the breaking point

thursday. it's always thursday.

i've learned the value of keeping things clean. everything functions better when the dishes are consistently done, the blankets folded, the bed made, the trash picked up, the desk....well, the desk is never what i would call "clean," but typically it's as close to clean as a desk belonging to an artist and a student married with no filing system is going to get.

we keep things fairly tidy around these parts. most days we clean up the meals right after we eat them. most days we tidy things up before we hit the sack so we wake up to a clean(ish) apartment.

and then comes thursday...

thursday seems to be the point at which that all goes out the window. actually, back up. wednesday night i have late meetings and thursday work is always early. thursday is typically a long day for us both and by the time we get home, we realize that we didn't clean up after breakfast on wednesday, lunch tupperware is still on the counter, and we're lucky if left-overs are in the fridge from the previous night. so thursday. thursday's the day when i walk in the door and want to start a revolution against the dishes and blankets and clutter.

can you say throw everything out the window we haven't used in two days?

i can.

luckily, the mess is resolved by friday afternoon (typically). then the weekend starts off on a better note than a hoarder's nest.  okay, it's not ever even close to that kind of thing, but you know when it feels that way because you can't remember why you're keeping the box under the desk or the stack of papers on top? (there's a reason...i know it.)

i clean because i deserve to live in a home where my mind can be at peace.
i clean because i love myself enough to let myself relax in a clutter free (don't look in the closet...) apartment.
i clean because i'm worth cleanliness.

in a way, thursday is a good reminder to check my schedule, not to make sure i don't miss the next appointment, but to make sure that i delete at least one appointment. thursday reminds me that unless i want to hire a maid i need to make my home-life a priority (and really, i don't want a maid). this thursday i was reminded that i need to take the time to slow down and refill the birdfeeder! those poor birds - i haven't even paid attention to them for three days.

i'm not one to live for the weekends despite the fact that i adore my days off. but thursday is the reason why we need weekends. and that's the reason today that i am thankful for weekends, early-off days and a cleaning-partner. otherwise, i would run out of dishes really really quickly.

and i suppose the reason to be thankful for periodic relocation is that eventually the darn closet will get sorted out... right? :)

i'm off to get seconds of dinner - the cilantro smell on my hands is just too irresistible!

bay leaves and gratefuls

today, i ate a bay leaf. it was 90% chewed before i realized what i was doing. yes, i was pretty darn hungry. such are my 10 hour workdays - waiting for one of my back-ups to walk past my door so i can yell at them to pleeaaase come in so i can have a break!!! 

luckily, the leaf was all that bad. it was sitting in stew for about five days before i ate it, so it wasn't all crunchy like you would think a bay leaf would be.

gratefuls!

- i'm grateful for 70 degree sunny weather while others are hunkered down with no power (my prayers are on the east coast).
- i'm grateful for halloween. i saw more creative pumpkins and cool costumes on facebook today than i have in a long while. and most made me smile (instead of gag)!
- i'm grateful for close friends that i can text when i need a loving voice - i'm glad i have people to turn to.

the winning salon.

so today. today i had a haircut appointment. for lots of women, that's exciting. soothing, even. something to look forward to. at one point in my life, that was the case. back when i would have patrick cut my hair. but lately.... a haircut appointment fills me with dread.

i was afraid today because i was going to a stylist that a) didn't have much experience, and b) went to hair school in texas. but this was different. beautiful, in fact. from sitting in her chair all the way until i left the door, i felt comfortable. i'm pretty sure at one point, i even used the words, "yeah, go for it - i trust you." i came out with a haircut better than i've had in probably two years.

yes, that was a good experience. pixie. razor cut.

she was a good communicator and for that i am grateful. she listened, and for that i am grateful. i laughed several times while i was there, and for that i am grateful. no longer need i dread every hair salon i pass in abilene. texas, i've found the girl who won't give me a mullet!


i'm grateful for good hairs and haircut appointments that end with smiles instead of tears.
i'm grateful for the beautiful crisp sunrise that turned my mood to happier.
i'm grateful for the gym that allows me to run when the weather isn't cooperating.

-- pictures to follow.

repentance from a negative nancy.

this week has been blah. see previous post and note my sour mood stringing the day together. last night, i vowed that today i'd start over a little bit, that i wouldn't wait until next week to get over myself. and then this morning happened. you know, that thing that happens sometimes in the morning? yeah, it happened this morning: i woke up.

i recommitted myself at work when i realized half the people i was occupying the same space with seemed happier than i was - and each one of them had a big excuse to not be. they just weren't using it.

so... i stumbled upon this.

(watch it. please. it might just change your life. or even just your day.)

powerful.

powerful.

really, those last few minutes blew me away. reverse the formula, be positive in the present and gain the happiness advantage.

i had to watch it three times to pick up the specifics because he talks so darn fast! but there at the end when he starts spewing off those things that are scientifically backed to reverse the formula? this is what does it.

1. 3 new gratefuls every day. writing down three new things you're grateful for every day for 21 days retrains your brain to scan the world for the positive instead of the negative - which is how most people are conditioned. thinking a little about "one slice" research (the brief scanning or first impressions our brains get and how they affect us and the way we treat others), the fact that this one little practice can change our "scanning" so much is incredible.

2. journaling about a positive experience you've had within the last 24 hours allows your brain to re-live it. which basically means adding one positive experience to your day. who's brain doesn't want that? (especially with what that positivity can do for your brain's learning centers...)

3. exercise teaches your brain that your behavior matters. i knew i loved exercise. i knew it.

4. meditation lets your brain heal from the cultural ADHD we've created by constantly mutli-tasking. funny, i was watching this while eating my lunch, taking notes, texting and listening to music. no wonder i had to watch it three times.... anyway, the practice of meditation allows your brain time to focus. something we all need to relearn in this world.

5. last, random or conscious acts of kindness also help retrain your brain for positivity. he described sending a positive, praising, or thanking email to someone in your social support network upon opening your email inbox. i love that idea. so much. i currently have 10 emails that are marked as unread so i remember to reply with these types of messages. so often, they are the ones that get put off the longest. if i did one a day upon opening my email, think of the positivity that would spread!

not that productivity is everything, but the statistic he throws out at the end is profound: your brain is 31% more productive while happy than while negative, neutral, or stressed. happier is more productive than neutral.

these practices seem pretty life changing to me. especially if really applied to all areas of work in my life.

(also, on a side note, the word neutral is odd. i took me about seven times to figure out the correct spelling.)

so. he says happier is more productive. more efficient.

what do i say?

one, two, three, GO.

i think i just found an experiment worth writing about.

5 excerpts from one of THOSE days.

my pajama pants are stained with chocolate. again. i don't think i've ever had an endangered species bar without getting little melting flakes all over what i'm wearing. consequently, a lot of my clothes have small (barely noticeable.. i think) brown chocolate stains.

---------------

i got home from work today ready for lunch. i couldn't really catch a break at work because the last couple hours were busy. consequently a late lunch and a starving me. not starving - i ate two nutballs on the way home. once home, in pajamas and jewelry off, i sat and stared at the fridge for a full ten minutes before deciding nothing sounded good and i had too little energy to do anything with the (seemingly) random assortment of refrigerated items (i planned a menu before shopping...really). okay, move to the cupboards. crackers? nope. chips. chips.... and cheese. nachos was the only thing that sounded edible this afternoon. hopefully my nutritious appetite will be back for dinner (in addition to my motivation to cook...).

---------------

this morning at work, after seeing the results of her test a woman burst into tears. burst. literally. luckily, they were happy tears and she wasn't in need of consolation. that's a tremendously good thing because the crying caught me off guard this time and i think all i said was something like oh... congratulations! you can... have a seat in the lobby for a minute if you need to. and that's about as empathetic as i get today.

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a truck twice the size of my apartment was tailing me really close on the way home from work. it was the long on-ramp and there was a car in front of me. i couldn't speed up and it literally looked like he was trying to shish kabob me with the spikes on the front end of his obviously-trying-to-prove-something vehicle. i tapped my breaks a couple times. and he got closer. and i got angry. right before another lane opened up he switched lanes and gunned it, passing me in the wrong lane. the only problem? the car in front of me had switched lanes, too. he didn't seem to mind that there wasn't enough room for a mini cooper to pass me coming from the wrong way, like he was. if i hadn't of slammed on my brakes i'd be roadkill. a victim of his effort to prove something to society with a truck big enough for two families to live in. don't worry. i laid on my horn for a full 30 seconds until he was too far away to hear.

---------------

reviewing today's to-do list: dishes, clean the bathroom, make dinner and lunches and dinner to-go for tomorrow, the gym for an hour.... the thing that's not on the list is a nap. and that's exactly what is going to happen. one more square of my rhino bar smothered with natural peanut butter and i'm hitting the sack. maybe tonight i'll clear this slate and write my gratitude post i'd planned for today. but first i need to go wake up on the other side of the bed.

the IN club

the temperature has finally started dropping in abilene. a couple weeks ago, i saw for the first time a ten-day forecast of temperatures all lower than 95 degrees.  today, it looked cooler outside, mostly overcast.  so in the afternoon i pulled on my running shorts and a t-shirt and headed out for a two-mile loop around campus. thirty seconds outside my car and i was back inside, shivering. no two-mile loop. a trip to the gym instead. my car's thermometer (which is always off) said it was 57 degrees.  it may be chronically off, but 57 is a definite a change from the typical 107 it reads on most afternoons.

finally, finally it's starting to feel like fall.

tonight, on a quick trip to the grocery store, i wore a jacket, a scarf and a beanie.  i remembered how completely i love weather that lets me wear five layers and thirteen colors at once.  you can't do that in shorts and t-shirt weather. it's just not possible.

tonight, i cooked butternut squash and this morning we ate the last of the pumpkin muffins.  i've cooked three different kinds of squash in the last three weeks.  fall food. warm, comfy and steaming.

i feel like i've finally been accepted to the in club. you know, that club of people who live in places of this world where the leaves are turning colors and stuff. for weeks, i've suffered facebook cover pictures of people playing in leaves, blog posts boasting of being able to wear scarves again. recipes for soups soups soups and pumpkin everything. and for weeks all i had was 107 degree weather with no possibility of soup that hadn't been thoroughly chilled.

but now.
now, i'm finally
in.

now come on, abilene. let's keep this up.

love list:: the last two weeks

cold house + warm bed.  unintentional afternoon naps.  one perfect batch of chocolate peppermint cupcakes.  eating dinner cross-legged on the couch with pillows and blankets.  the little women soundtrack.  unexpected storm clouds, dark ones.  creative non-fiction.  chili-cheese fries.  water.water.water.  brown leather anything.  ten days under 95 degrees.  plum eyeliner.  classic crime, phoenix.  someone else's unsecured wifi.  charts for exercise.  charts for dailies.  dishes ignored, finished or not.  small notes on my lunchbox.  small pictures on my nightstand.  the tie-rack serving as jewelry-rack finally on the wall.  the miracle of the pineapple lamp still in one piece (here & here).  a week of not-too-early mornings.  the tipping point of a pumpkin splurge.  craving vegetables, not chocolate.  blue jays & scissor-tailed fly catchers.  fresh cilantro.  rowing.  wintercrest.  running in the rain (seattle throw-back).  lego storm troopers framed.  the turquoise pen.  big bracelets.  overnight oats with peanutbutter and cocoa.  finally acting on the urge to write.

autumn, almost?

at the beginning of my run this morning, it felt like texas might actually have seasons. it was colder, a little. sadly, a half hour later (after the sun came up) i realized it was just a trick.  it seems like the world is on the tipping point of autumn everywhere... but here. i'm eating pumpkin already, and soup. and stalking facebook pictures of fall leaves. and really really hoping for a change of seasons. i'm ready for it.


grateful...

i'm grateful for the fall party. summer seamed eternal until i smelled autumn soup and pumpkin biscuits baking. now, it's fall in blood even if it's still over 100 degrees outside. a good celebration was exactly what i needed this weekend. it reminded me of all the excitement to come. the fall party is the opening of my favorite part of the year.

i'm grateful for a three day weekend. sometimes, that's what it takes to get my mind off work and onto more important things. staying up late watching psych, spending as long as i wanted at the gym, organizing my house a little more.... i feel life back in my bones. i think i'm ready for another week!

i'm so thankful for skype. really, without it i would never be able to participate in this global community. being thousands of miles (ish) away from family just wouldn't be bearable without it. despite it's hiccups, freezes, echoing, and dropped calls, it really is a blessing.

i'm grateful for a knows-everything mother. it doesn't matter if it's a canker sore or ear problems, she has a solution that (almost always) works. and usually doesn't cost very much. she's just about the greatest resource there is. not to mention friend... :)

i'm grateful for the sun that rises while i'm running, and for an entire container of orange honey butter. i'm grateful for wonderful books and the good company they are. i'm grateful for a job that gets us by and for the olive garden in abilene (really, it's one of the most familiar things here). i'm grateful for birds with long, long tails and birds with funny voices. and for clean, cold water after a good workout.


ps. i just checked the weather again. not a single day over 95 degrees in the ten-day forecast! now, now, i'm really celebrating. the heat has an end after all!

create something.

“All I know is if you don’t figure out this something, you’ll just stay ordinary. And it doesn't matter if it's a work of art, or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something… new, and there it is, and it's you, out in the world, out side of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it… and you know a little more about… you! A little bit more than anyone else does… Does that make any sense at all?”
--P.S. I Love You.

windmills

Yesterday, i drove to pick up Taylor from the top of the hill on campus - as i usually do. It had just stormed, a good long one that woke me up several times in the middle of the night and continued to periodically dump down its bucketfuls throughout my work day. The sky was starting to clear in that magnificent way it does, patches of bright blue visible behind the billowy clouds. Looking down from the hill for the first time, I noticed them. The light was just right, highlighting the very horizon and the army of windmills that turned steadily on its edge. They glinted as if only a mirage, a miracle vision brought by the storm and soon to be gone with the sunset.

I'd been wanting a good storm for a while. The longing had buried itself somewhere deep in my bones (which was disconcerting considering I longed for a very specific type of Abilene storm - that being in my bones worries me slightly).

While I sat there on the top of the hill waiting, watching the gleaming power-generating landscape, I came to a conclusion: this storm was the answer to a craving, a deep-seated plea from my soul sent up the to universe, please... please, let it storm!

I've formed a habit of trying to meet my own needs and first recognizing these cravings for sleep, carbs, a phone call, some fruit or chocolate. I'm learning to recognize them, then satisfy them. I'm not perfect , nor do I intend to be, but I am improving. Slowly, I'm understanding that the more I give my body (and mind... and heart...) what it asks for, the more subtly it asks, the less it demands. And herein lies the solution for binging, over-doing the sweet and running on empty (for me, I believe).

That's my part - that's what taking care of myself means. That's the charge of my stewardship.

And the rest, well, just like that storm, I'll leave that to my Higher Power and trust that no bone-deep longing gets left unattended for long.

books, books, and more books!

my whole life i've been a one-book woman. i've never been able to handle reading more than one at once. but once i graduated, things changed in that area of my life. at this moment, i'm reading five (i think) different books. plus listening to chapters of an audio book as their released one at a time by the artist. to me, this is proof that my brain misses being in school. for my entire life (well, since i was, what, 12 years old?) i've been trained to think in subject blocks. now those physical time blocks are gone, it's transitioned very smoothly into the reading of multiple books at once.  good, bad? i'm not sure.  any other time i've tried for more than one book at once, i end up getting overwhelmed and not finishing any of them at all. usually what follows is a several-month-long absence of reading anything of my own choosing (which right now is... well, everything!). but this time i'm slowly chugging away at all of the books at different speeds.  but all of them are getting read - none of them feel neglected at all. which is different.

sadly, this way it takes a tremendous amount of time to finish one book. but we'll see how it goes. right now i'm reading more because there's always a book to fit my mood. always.

as a side note, at work today i'm realizing the therapeutic benefits of ripping scratch paper into bits. who would have thought?

foreigner in the lone star state

you're not from here, are you?

again, today i was asked that question. it comes up so much, i almost want to carry a sign with me that says no, i'm not texan. today, she thought i was from wisconsin.  when i told her it was utah, she replied well, i knew it was somewhere north!

texans have a funny habit of pointing out people who are clearly not native. and to a texan, a non-native is anyone without their drawl or slang. it surprised me today because i really couldn't tell a difference between the way i was speaking and the way she was.  but she was texan. and thus to her, the difference was absolutely obvious.

i'd like to come home with a pair of boots, but i can do without the accent.  people here say it takes about two years to pick it up, but when i was working at red mango, i said y'all.  i'll admit it. i was around so many old farmers coming in for coffee that it just rubbed off.  luckily, that's been gone again for some months. secretly, i have a fear of leaving this place in a year and saying y'all and other such texanities (like profanities... get it??) for the rest of my life. like an incurable disease that's not quite terminal. but if i'm being a good student of anxiety-reduction techniques i realize that i could just go to speech therapy the rest of my life and that might help me change or accept the texan that seeped into my blood.

hypothetical. i reeked north to these people, it seems.

the point is. it's funny that they recognize it so quickly.  all it takes is a few sentences and they instantly know i'm a foreigner and have been in these parts less than two years. like a sixth-sense natural to texas blood.


i was also informed today that after moving to texas, there is a 30 day period in which you must register your car in the state and a 90 day period wherein you are required to obtain a texas driver's licence. and surrender your old one.  that's right.  they take your old driver's licence.  seeing as i've been here more than 6 months now and i haven't done either of these things, i probably ought to.  but.... i just happen to really really  like my current driver's licence. the picture is great (which is big, considering how often i say that about a picture of myself). not only that, it doesn't expire for years and years! and it's from utah. which makes it better than one i'd get here by far. also, if i get a new driver's licence now i'll pay a fee, then when i change my name i'll probably have to pay another fee for a new one. not to mention the cost of registering my car here...which may or may not mean i'll have to switch insurance providers.  all for one more year? really?

a very large and significant part of me wants to ignore those requirements altogether.  the only problem then is the panic attack i might have every single time a policeman pulls out behind me.

eek.

maybe i could get away with it? ....maybe?

remembering january

getting ready to drive through zion to grab a bite to eat. january 2012.

the texas heat has me wishing it was winter and i was back in zion.  gah, what i wouldn't give for a little snow right now! autumn better be around the corner or i might shrivel up down here.

affirmations, vulnerability and self-love

today, i'm working a 12 1/2 hour day. and i only have 3 1/2 left. i hit the wall about a half hour ago.  before 3:30, i wasn't looking at the clock, wasn't searching for things to do... but then it hit. and i started looking at the clock every two minutes. and it started taking two hours for two minutes to pass.  and so i blog.  i guess i've been avoiding it.      subconsciously.  after all, it's almost been a month since i've really sat myself down and written anything worth calling writing.  maybe it's been longer...?

anyway, all that to say that my job as a testing proctor isn't half bad.  sure, it's a lot of sitting and asking for people's ID and waving metal detectors in front of people's faces.  but in addition to getting a lot of eye-rolls about our "airport" procedures, i also get to read. and to write (obviously... i am still at work).  in fact, i had enough free time i had today to read several blog series that i've been meaning to read for quite some time. like...months.  it seems funny to write while i'm at work because it's typically very stop-and-go.  i have intervals of three or four minutes of free time.  if i'm lucky, i'll get a whole ten.  it's always been easiest to write when i had a big block of time with absolutely nothing to do (including no interruptions).

so instead of writing, i started affirmation doodling. which is a very cool thing.  if you haven't tried this, you must!  i started with just a blank piece of lined notebook paper.  at the top i penned things i love about me.  then i started listing.  three things.. four things.... a few full sentences with descriptions of how i've grown the last few months... and then it started.  i wasn't writing on the lines anymore, some words were bold and big, others small and scribbled.  each word with it's own personality, it's own story, it's own voice showing emotion.  and i realized that computers can't do that.  they can't show you the emotion that it takes to write the phrase i'm afraid.  they can't tell you the confidence of a dark period at the end of a satisfying sentence.

i've been toying with the idea of art journaling. i have a giant journal, and i use it, but not as freely as i'd like to. before i put a pen to paper i start to analyze.  is it good enough?  is it creative enough?  is the idea finished enough to actually start writing or drawing it out?

it's the same hang-up i get with my blog.

it won't make sense.

i'll sound silly/naive/immature.

i won't come out the way i see it in my head.

people won't take my experiences seriously.

so what?

i've been reading about vulnerability and how it's a big ally to the belief that you have great worth. and those two create a perfect environment for connection.

...and i just had work to do for 20 minutes and now i can't remember where in the world i was going with that.  eventually, i know i wanted to talk about what i doodle-journaled today:

i love that i'm starting to do things (basic things) - like eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i'm full, cooking healthy food, going to bed early, working, doing my "homework," exercising - for good reasons.  i used to do things like this because i didn't like myself and i wanted to be a different person.  i'd do these things because i didn't like my body, because i felt guilty and ashamed if i didn't, because i didn't feel like a good person otherwise or because i was afraid of not being as good as the others around me.

and it's a good realization (like a blanket in my heart) that i'm starting to do these things because (disregarding my surroundings, my body, the people i interact with...) no matter what, i'm worth it.  it feels good to take care of myself because i love myself, instead of because i don't. i love feeling taken care of.  i love feeling healthy and worth it and (most of all) loved.  especially when i'm loved by myself.

because it doesn't matter how many other people love you or how much other people love you.  until you can know (and feel) that God loves you and that you love yourself, it simply doesn't make a difference.

and that's today's work rant.

go write a list of things you adore about yourself.  not just think are fine, not things that you wish you liked.  things you really love about yourself.

and maybe the whole point of this from the beginning was to say that once we can love ourselves and know our worth like that, connection is 1000 times easier.  a bajillion times easier.  in fact, i bet it's not even really scary anymore.  i believe that, i think.

here's to being fearless.

thankful

the walls in the house are bare and so are the bookshelves.  but i'm loving the new lower lights album, especially the song nearer, my God, to thee.  it's one of my favorites and they do it so well.  peaceful.  with a harmony i can sing along to.  also God be with you 'til we meet again.  that one restores sanity quicker than most for me.

tonight i'm grateful for a roof over my head and loving family who provide a secure fallback that i'll always be thankful for.  i'm thankful for peaceful music and chocolate.  i'm thankful for God and for prayer - that i can turn to him when i don't know what to do with myself.  i'm thankful that he knows better and that he has a plan.

and i'm thankful for a new week.  a new day, a new start.

it's a generous God who gives us infinite chances to take a deep breath...
and try again.

and the moving begins!

tonight, the packing begins!  we planned on starting to pack up our apartment about a week ago, but i don't think it's sunk in that we're moving yet (for either of us) because everything's still in it's place.  everything.  so, with six days before we have to load everything up from this apartment, move it six miles, unload it into a new apartment, and sign papers at both, nothing has been started yet.  tonight's the night.

loud music.

good snacks.

and the promise of a free redbox promo code waiting for us as long as we reach our goal.  or just another episode of merlin.  thanks, hailey, for getting us hooked!

i'm a little sad to leave this apartment.  it's been good to us.  it's kept out {most of the} awful texas bugs.  it's provided a free gym pass, which has allowed me to keep my sanity.  it's been big enough for all our stuff, small enough that i haven't gotten freaked out the few nights i've had to sleep in it alone, and it's fit our furniture perfectly (something we're a little concerned about with this new place).  also, there's a man that lives just across the complex from us who has a massive long-haired cat.  every couple of days he comes out, sets the cat on the grass in the sun to soak up fresh air, sits down on the stairs and thinks.  i love that cat with my whole heart.  and i love seeing the man pick up the cat when it's time to go inside, give it a big love-squeeze, pet and kiss it, and hold it the whole way back in.  that man loves his cat, and his cat loves him back.  so i'll miss those things quite a lot.

our new apartment might have a green wall (which could be fun).  it has a pretty iron gate around the pool covered in vines which i like.  and i'm not excited about the mutual-practically-outdoor-facility at all.  the day i get my own washer and dryer is a day i'll celebrate for the rest of my life... and so will taylor because it means he won't always have to do the laundry... ha :)

so that's about all i know about this new place.  we'll see how it goes.  i'm sure once i can find an affordable gym on that side of town, i'll be able to deal with any problems that might come up - a good workout goes a long way.

on that note, having just finished a workout i need a good snack.  happy weekend! :)

ps.  i found another thing i like about texas.  cool cowboy boots are everywhere!  seriously, everywhere.  even regular stores like buckle have a big section just for the boots.  before i come home, i'm going to have an awesome pair.  and really, they are awesome.  so many different colors and patterns... i don't know how i'll ever choose!

accomplished.

last week, i completed my six-week exercise goal!  in trying to build a healthy maintainable lifestyle, i wanted to incorporate several different types of exercise.  usually, i get into just one for spurts with breaks in-between activities where i'm not doing much at all.  so, the goal was to run/walk 3-4 times a week, while working up to a 5k distance again.  in addition, i wanted at least 1 hour of power yoga a week, three days of strength training and 1-2 rest days.  the schedule was a good fit for me right now because it allowed for flexibility from day to day.  if i didn't feel up to running on monday, i could take a break from the pounding, do yoga and be ready for more intense cardio on tuesday.  it was also nice to measure my running in "this many days per week" rather than miles per week like i used to.  after about week 3 of my goal, my hip and knee of my left leg started bothering me quite a bit, so i had to tone down my running and walk a little more.  the plan allowed me to ease into running slower than i anticipated while still being able to reach my goal.  because of that, i'm tackling the setback to my running with a lot of stretching and being mindful not to push my legs too hard.

so, all completed, here's the chart!

of course, this probably only makes sense to me.  but for the sake of documenting and remembering my progress without collecting clutter, i have to put it somewhere so it doesn't become clutter.  for the sake of my mental health, you know...

for a while i was just keeping the chart on the desk next to my laptop, but after cleaning i pinned it on the wall above the desk.  what i didn't realize is that the location was an absolutely horrible place to write.  so the last two weeks are practically illegible.  but really that's irrelevant because i did what i set out to!!

although this was meant to be just a test period, it worked so well for me that i'm going to continue this plan for another six weeks while i keep working toward building my running back up to at least a 5k distance.  i love incorporating the strength training and my body craves yoga.

i've also realized that my body does quite a bit better when i don't run every single day.  for the last three weeks or so, every time i've run three days in a row i'm sore and exhausted and it gets harder with each day.  if i give myself a rest in between (running on monday, wednesday and friday) then my legs are much happier and my body doesn't feel quite so beat-up.  this was kind of an interesting discovery since most of my running progress in the past was made during times when i committed to run 5-6 times a week.  i understand now why i felt like i was wearing myself out!

all bodies are created differently, i guess.  some can take 5 days of running in a row and others (like me, it seems) need more cross-training and a break from the repetitive pounding in order to feel good!

anybody else have good work goals their plodding away at?

btw, happy friday! :)

bible belt collections

greg laswell's doing good things for my soul today.

and guess what? i've added another thing that i like about texas (although i'll admit i don't love this one all the time, there are sometimes i really really do love it).

bible-belt road signs.

they're everywhere.  absolutely everywhere!  you can't drive for more than a couple blocks anywhere in the city without being reminded...

God is good.
Save me Jesus.
Come have a Spiritual Explosion!!

they are all over and they are such good reminders.  okay, the spiritual explosion one has me laughing every time i see it on my way to church, but most of them are actually inspirational - good reminders to keep God in every part of life.  these signs have me thinking a lot about worship lately.  we all do it differently, every single person on the planet worships uniquely.  some devote their life to scriptural text, others to christian rock music and some simply make a reverence out of going on hike.  although i do believe in truth, as in some things are right and others are wrong, i also believe in degrees.  good, better, best, if you will.  in some things, we are commanded to worship - renewal of covenants with God, study of the words He's prepared to guide us through life.  and in some things, we are simply left to find things to do with our lives that are right - find ways in our unique situation to worship.

for me, i feel closer to God while i'm hiking and enjoying the grandeur of nature than almost any other time.  music helps me feel closer to my Savior, too.  sometimes hymns and music of peace, sometimes christian rock or a simple line of truth from an everyday artist.

sometimes i struggle to feel truly worshipful at church but i know that it pleases God when we serve in his church and participate in the rituals he has created for his children so they can feel a part of his family.

in the end (or..beginning) it comes down to figuring out what things bring you (personally) closer to God and what things create more separation.  then, doing more of the first and less of the last!

and back to bible-belt signs.  i don't know what most of those churches teach, specifically.  i know there are many similarities and many difference in our beliefs.  but in the end, we're all believing in something.  and i love their signs, their reminders.  they take my mind closer to Christ, lift my thoughts out of the mire of this world that they so often get stuck in.  and i love that these messages are proof that people are (in their own various ways) worshiping God and encouraging others to do likewise.

in decision, i'm going to start a collection of pictures: my favorite signs from that time i lived in the bible belt.

oh yeah. that's still now.  i better start carrying my camera everywhere.

now, for your listening pleasure, some greg laswell.  enjoy :)

an interview

it's storming again in texas.  the last two days it's been all thunder, lightning and humidity, and tonight it's still a steady pitter-patter and pounding.  despite the rain, the moths still flop around trying to find a dry patch of air and the monster-crickets still chirp on.  sadly, the storms can't even control the bugs.

it's been a day.  a long day where at the end i'm grateful i can sit on my couch, eat a peanut butter cookie and watch the downpour from the safety of a second-story apartment and a sliding-glass door.

this morning i interviewed for a job (first, driving with taylor to an appointment so i could take the car).  he helped talk me through some questions - which has become fairly standard before interviews these days.  it helps.  by the time he jumps out of the car and wishes me luck, i feel confident, competent and somewhat calm.  a great run this morning added to feeling all-around pretty great.  as i walked up to the interviewing office, i could see that the interview before me was still in progress.  over the next ten minutes of waiting my turn, my hope for this job diminished slowly.  typically, there will always be someone with ten years more experience, or someone willing to take lower pay and work more hours.  there will usually be others more qualified and less qualified than me.

so as i tried not to overhear the woman before me boast of her ten years of secretarial and management experience, my little hope for being one of the most qualified slipped to ground and rolled away, leaving me with nothing but the firm resolve that i have something to offer - many things to offer and many things i can be very good at.

as my turn came, i walked into the office with a straight back and laid my strengths out for examination.  i left feeling competent, with little hope of being called back.  i can honestly say that i've never been less nervous for an interview.  apparently when i can actually see and hear in front of me that my chances are slim my nerves vanish and leave me with nothing but courage to do what needs to be done and surrender for the things i can't control.  it's a peaceful place to be, even if it's not making us any money.

after the interview we drove to the mall and picked up a few applications for lower-paying and more likely employment.  a girls' clothing store, a maternity clothing store... and back i'll go tomorrow to turn them in for review.


and tonight, i'm sitting on the couch making a grocery list and eating a peanut butter cookie.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  and i'm competent.  and i'm good at many things.

progress

lately, i've realized my progress.  i've noticed myself reaching out to God and to friends instead of food.  i've recognized my fears, my anger and anxieties and worked through them instead of stuffing them up and trying to ignore or deny them.  lately, i've been eating good food in good amounts.  i've been exercising and resting, treating my body well.  i've been acknowledging the necessity of pitfalls and set-backs, looking at them as opportunities to learn and experiment more.

i've been trying to live my life with vulnerability and courage, seeing every day as a new start, a new chance.  i've been filling up my calendars and checking off days - creating visual proof of my efforts and successes, proof that i'm not perfect and no longer trying to be.

scripture of the week

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
-- Matthew 11:28-30

being yoked with Christ brings me rest, respite and peace.  with him, there is no burden too heavy to keep going.  happy sabbath, everyone!

writer's inconvenient scheduling

my very best writing time used to be mid-afternoon.  while at byu, i had a twenty minute walk home from class everyday.  usually afternoon and usually alone.  i didn't realize it at the time, but that walk was absolutely ideal writing prep time.  on my way home, i'd day dream, process the day's happenings, and think deep thoughts about life, religion and the social sciences (as if i didn't get enough of it in class...).  typically, once i'd get home, i'd plop my backpack on the bed, sit in my chair and write until everything was out of my head.  most of the time i wouldn't even take off my shoes or my coat, which is pretty unusual for me - i'm comfort-demanding.

i feel like some of my best writing came from that time period, where my schedule had built-in thinking/pondering time.  and i think that's one of my biggest blocks, too.  right now, there isn't thinking time in my schedule.  the closest thing i have to mindless time right now (where i can't be doing anything else productive at the same time) is while i'm at the gym.  and let's be honest, here... while i'm at the gym my thoughts look something like this:

i'm so tired.
NO! i'm happy!  i'm energized!  i'm waking up!
...but my legs hurt..
YOU CAN DO THIS!  run run run, you're getting faster, you're running longer!
it isn't a big deal if i stop thirty seconds early....right?
I CAN FINISH! I CAN FINISH!


and so on.  it's difficult to brainstorm and think deep thoughts about anything when your mind is engaged in a constant battle of self-discipline against sore muscles.

this schedule, with no think time, is creating the illusion of writer's block.  for the last week, i sit down to write and stare at a blank screen for five minutes or so.  then over the next 15 minutes, i start six different sentences on different topics, backspacing each before the thought is even complete.  then finally i'll start a thought that feels sustainable (for a couple paragraphs, at least) and before i have a full paragraph sketched out, it's time to move on to something else.  so then right before bed, i'll hurriedly finish a few thoughts and click publish with no particular attachment to what i've just written.

which makes me kind of sad.

i'm seriously considering giving myself 15 minutes of meditation time before i write any words at all... that might do the trick.  or maybe some writing prompts?  my goal to write every day this month is looking pretty bleak after one week.  i want to write every day to practice, but i would really dislike writing 30 days of blah.

i need another challenge, i think.  and so the search will begin.  tomorrow.  tonight, i'm going to push publish without even so much as a read through and start trying to conquer the goal in the morning light.

also, i'm welcome to suggestions. really.

one of the good parts

i've had molly moons on the mind, lately.  it probably has something to do with an email from my mom with a link to their new cookbook... (you mean i can have molly moon's lavender honey ice cream at HOME?)  excited is an understatement.  although i'll admit the release of the ultimate ice cream cookbook gave me a small dose of anxiety, too.  see, the only time i've made ice cream was a total flop.  sure, it froze up okay and we devoured it and loved every bite.  but see... it didn't thicken at all.  as in, when i finally gave up, stopped the machine, and put it in the freezer, it was still liquid - an incredible amount of chocolate milk.

i'll have to practice.  ice cream, anyone?

anyway.  molly moon's has me thinking of seattle.  in lots of different ways.

i think i mentioned a while back that i'd finally come to terms with the city itself.  i decided i actually loved the place quite a lot.  it's a beautiful place with interesting people and a food culture to covet.  the experience is still requiring mull time, though.  i'm still not sure where i'm at with it.  with most life experiences, i can attach a general word or emotion to help me sort through the memories, put them in their mental boxes, all organized and resolved.  for example, i can say with surety that the last summer i spent in my ivins home was bliss.  pieces of my life were in disarray and i wasn't happy the whole time, but looking back i can say good memory and stick it in the wonderful box.  i can pin several relationship memories clearly in the negative life experience box.

but seattle?  i just can't peg the experience.  i guess most things in life aren't as simple as just good and bad, and probably most can't even be put on a gradient scale of black to white and all the shades in between.  all experiences have good parts, bad parts, weird parts and funny parts.  but it makes my organizational mind squirm to have things our of their boxes, sometimes.

despite the continuing mental confusion, there are a few things i can label specifically with good.  maybe even with fantastic.

molly moon's is one of them.  before seattle, ice cream was just ice cream.  if it was offered, i'd gladly take part in its consumption, but it wasn't ever my treat of choice.  molly moon's changed all of that.  i can't count the times i went that summer.  too many - or never enough depending on the viewpoint.  i ate more ice cream that summer than i'll probably eat this year.  okay, maybe more than i'll eat in the next two years.  and i fell in love with it!  the crunch of the waffle cones, the fresh vibrant flavors...  honey lavender was a reining favorite.  but i really love their sasquatch flavor, too.  this ice cream taught me how to live.

it took a girl who would always and forever choose chocolate over anything else and transformed her into someone who couldn't wait to try the next seasonal fruit flavor.  i started buying waffle cones, not giving a darn about how many calories they were (or how many extra dollars it would cost).  two different flavors if i get an extra scoop?  bring it on.

never before had i eaten a treat with such freedom.  i appreciated their commitment to local ingredients instead of caring what the calorie content was.  i savored the taste as long as possible instead of shoveling it down like most strictly rationed sugar in my life.  i learned that food, enjoyed, is food at it's best.

in part, molly moon's is to thank for helping me end unhealthy restriction in my life.  not that it's all the way done forever - just a bigger step in the right direction.  and in the right direction i'll continue to go.

now somebody get me that cookbook! ;)

fireworks + we bought a zoo

as it turned out, abilene does have fireworks.  pretty good ones.  last night, we planned to head to acu campus to watch the fireworks.  we didn't think it was particularly close to where they were being launched, but we wanted to go on a walk while we were waiting and were pretty sure it'd be as good a place to watch as any.  not long after we jumped on the freeway to head to the other side of town, the traffic started to pick up significantly.  abilene doesn't ever really have traffic (which is nice), so this was unusual.  a big group of cars all got off a few exists before we were going and that's when we started to see what abilene really does for independence day.  for several miles, cars (okay, trucks mostly) were pulling off the freeway wherever there was space.  the sides of the road were packed with trucks and people, parked in the weeds, sitting on tailgates, playing football... right next to the freeway.

sounds illegal, right?  i'm pretty sure it must be.  after passing the continuous tailgate party for a few minutes, we decided to change our plans and see what it was all about.  apparently, without even meaning to, we'd found the place to watch fireworks in abilene.  we flipped around and found a spot right in the weeds with everyone else.  everyone was facing a big field and we were fairly confused because we thought the fireworks were going to be launched from somewhere north of "downtown."

once the fireworks started, we were happy we'd followed the crowd this time.  they were being shot off from the field right in front of us!

true, our bums hurt from sitting on the top of our car, but the show was pretty fun.

after fireworks we saw why sections of the freeway in abilene have three lanes (the mysterious third lane has always been a little funny because it's really not needed).  it took us over an hour and a half to make a commute that typical takes 10 minutes or under.  talk about traffic.  despite the setback, we came home and watched a movie to finish off our celebration.

and now, we bought a zoo is one of my favorite family movies i've seen.  right up there with dan in real life in my book.  it was charming, real and wonderful!  my favorite thing in the whole movie was the "20 seconds of courage" idea.  really, i want to start using that in my life.

all it takes is 20 second of insane courage and great things will happen.  i promise!


love it.

anyway, off to dinner.  really wanting fresh bread today, but that won't be ready till tomorrow.  gotta find something else that sounds good!

::summer love

happy 4th!

it was a sleep-in sort of day (with no tea, despite last night's supposing).  however... there were things much better than tea.  breakfast in bed is exactly what a sleep-in sort of morning calls for, and i'm glad my husband knows that even better than me!  i woke up to scrambled eggs and veggies, bacon, toast with jam, and a green smoothie.  sooooo yum!

i'm excited to see what texas can do with the 4th of july tonight.  i have my doubts, but hey - if a city can organize a daschund race, then they certainly can shoot off fireworks, right?  but fireworks or not it'll be a night of lacrosse-catch, a walk in the park, black bean burgers, and probably a movie.  or the hobbit.  we'll see which catches our fancy first.

have a happy summer independence day, everyone! :)

late-night tea and more missness

i drank a large amount of tea tonight from my theo chocolate mug.  it was divine.

sometimes all life needs is a big mug of tea.  or a good cry.

today was an unusually productive day in all.  quite a few long-time to-do list items were crossed off: chip in the windshield fixed, shower fixed, oven heating element replaced (no more sparks!), and a plethora of phone calls checked off.  also three (more) jobs applied to, another chapter of my book devoured, a successful eggplant adventure....  it's been a busy day, in all.

mostly it felt good to get up and get some things done.  and, as usual, it helped to start with a hard long workout and a good breakfast.

other than those things, though, today - and lately, really - i've just been missing.  missing coming home to a cat that purrs and sits on my feet.  missing the twenty-minute walk to campus in beautiful provo - beautiful provo no matter the season.  i've been missing that peace, the way the mindless beautiful calm walk opened up my mind to new ideas and the way it sometimes chased all thoughts away until i was left with only feeling the breeze and the sun on my skin, hearing the birds.

i've been missing the drive home from provo, back to ivins.  missing those mountains, the longs stretches of uninterrupted music of my choice, the eager phone calls along the way and the warmth waiting to sink into me as i walked into my ivins home.  i miss coming inside to find my family waiting for me, expecting me, hugging me and showing me all the things i'd missed in my forever month-long absence.

i miss living with my sisters.  sneaking away when homework was obnoxious to find some good food and great conversation.  i miss driving around with them in my car, the music up loud, the city dark, and having adventures on a whim.  i miss the exuberance in provo - the life that 40,000 young adults give to the air.  i miss the afterglow on the mountains and the way we would all scream at the ice.

i miss popcorn and the office with hailey.
i miss stopping by mindy's work to say hello at lunch breaks.
i miss late-night movies and desserts at lori and james' house.
i miss talks with dad, movies with dad, his teasing and always available wisdom.
i miss carrie and lori dropping by for a quick errand and staying for lunch and games.

i miss grocery shopping with mom, walking on the trail every morning with mom, and talking late into the night with her.

i miss larry's jokes and james' thoughtfulness.  i miss josh's motivation and acceptance.

i miss the red mountains and blue sky.  i miss hiking and hills.  i miss buying maple syrup and berries, coconut bliss and chocolate bars when i wanted a treat.  i miss frozen yogurt with natalie and hailey and mom and dad.  i miss picking apricots in the backyard, watering the garden and chasing the cats.  i miss chiropractors and massage therapists.  i miss art classes at dixie and working for a summer with one of my best friends.  i miss working toward a massive goal (my degree) and putting my everything into it.

i just miss... all the things i loved from all the places i've ever been and all the people who have been in my life.

the list of things to love here is growing, i suppose.  i really do love the storms and the birds.  i love having a gym membership and the new sphere that's added to one area of my life.  but while i have with me someone i love the most, there is a vast shortage of anyone-elses.  and something i'm learning more and more about myself is that i'm a lot more naturally social than i ever thought i was.  i like to be around people.

so, all you people who have ever been in my life and aren't physically that way right now, i miss you.  i can't wait to see you again, and i love you.

and i think tomorrow morning, i might just have another large mug of tea.

eggplant and bananagrams

tonight, i took advantage of taylor's work-through-dinner schedule to make myself a spicy-as-heck meal.  he puts up with my over-spicing ridiculously well, and i've learned to tone-down the hot sauce... a little.  but tonight i went all out.  with my sauteed summer squash and greens, i added more than half a fresh jalapeno.  and salsa. of course.

yum.
reading animal, vegetable, miracle has me dreaming about heirloom seeds and fresh food.  i can't wait to decide what to do with the eggplant in my refrigerator.  even if life gets dull, food will never.


-- 


i took a long hiatus and now it's several hours later.  after spewing all the information i just learned about genetically modified foods onto my husband's plate, i've now filled my quota for the day's stimulating conversation.


also i want to play more games.  tonight was bananagrams.  chess and carcasone are on the upcoming menu.


the last few weeks have been a little rough in texas.  we've hit some unexpected speed bumps and the emotional tires are still recovering... or just adjusting, maybe.  but we've had good food (even if rationed).  and we've played good games.  and we're good company to each other, taylor and me.


tonight, it's time for bed.  tomorrow holds an early run, lots more job applications, the promise of an adventure in the fridge (in the form of an eggplant), and probably the repairs of the oven, the shower, aaaand the windshield.  finally.


all that calls for some good sleep.  may your night be restful and your eggplant as exciting as mine is.


'night!

the LOVE game: sunday morning

1. i love sleeping in on sunday mornings.
2. i love days that are filled with finishing things - it just feels good to get some things done!
3. i love a clean desk. no papers. no clutter. no stacks of unnecessary things.
4. i love love love barbara kingsolver. really, sometimes i wish i could be her.
5. i love a full workout chart. goal accomplished!
6. i love homemade bread toasted with as much butter as it can hold.
7. i love summer veggies and fruit. can't get enough of them, really.
8. i love cool(er) evenings before the sun is down, with enough time to go outside and play.
9. i love my little plastic solar-powered waving daisy.  it's one of the happiest things in this house.
10. i love saturday night work-outs, when the gym is practically empty and the music isn't quite as bad as usual.

ps. you know you woke up on the wrong side of the bed when you get to number eight and it takes 15 minutes to think of the last three.  i ought to do this ten more times today to turn my mood around, really.

what do you love today?

i want to ride an elephant

sometimes i'm an adventurous person, in my head.  the other day i saw a picture on facebook of someone i used to know who is in thailand.  she was riding an elephant down a river, and i thought someday....i really really want to ride on an elephant.

the truth is there are a lot of adventures i want to have someday.

when i was younger, a family friend took hailey and me to the circus.  there was a big ring where they were giving rides on two very sad looking elephants.  and i wanted to ride so much.  basically i've wanted to ride an elephant as long as i can remember and although this opportunity was quite a bit less than the idea of riding an elephant down a stream while wearing exotic clothes and balancing a basket on my head, this was my opportunity!  we went to stand in line.  i remember how ecstatic i was - i could barely contain myself!  then i said something about my excitement and with a look that said really? grow up.. the woman who was our chaperone told me that i was much too old to ride the elephants.  we were only in line for my little sister.

and so my search for an elephant continues.


there are a lot of other adventures i want, too.  someday i want to go on a backpacking trip - a legitimate one.  i want to rock climb (outside... not just indoors).  i also reeeaaaalllllly want to go on a river rafting trip down the grand canyon.  and run a marathon.  and maybe do a triathlon someday.  and absolutely learn to snowboard.

and i want to see the great pyramid and what's left of the sphinx.  i want to walk the great wall of china.  and see the kangaroos, koala bears, and platypuses in australia.  while i'm at it, i'd love to go to hobbiton in new zealand and learn to surf and scuba dive.

i want to do a lot of things.  be a lot of things.

and someday i really am going to ride an elephant.  and if my kids ever want to, i'll tell them they are never too old to ride the elephants.

music and homemade bread

burned bread again today.  well, at least the tops.  i haven't seen the inside yet, but one thing is certain: baking bread in a toaster oven is tricky business.  our almost-dead ancient horrible oven died for real last night.  i wanted a BIG pan of roasted veggies!  but...when the heating element caught fire and started sparking all over the place, i decided it was time to retire the thing for good.  at least the veggies were finished by the time i saw the sparks, right?

also, this has nothing to do with vegetables, ovens or bread, but wesley blaylock's new ep is absolutely beautiful.  here are a couple of my favorites.  i especially love hannah blaylock (featured in the second).

thanks to taylor for finding this gem!  ....on repeat :)

thinking of painting tonight... it's been a while and i'm itching to get back at it lately.  also i'll probably have three more slices of that bread.  while in the middle of writing, i already had one and it was glorious.  for some reason the toaster oven always turns the tops of the bread black, but it's never really burned....?  the bread is so moist it doesn't get hard at all.  and it doesn't taste too done at all.  horrah! for another toaster oven success.  really, sisters.  thank you.  it's because of you that i've been able to cook anything in the oven at all these last six months.  love you! :)


ps. chopping all my hair off is now inevitable.  the next time i'm even remotely close to lubbock, it's all coming off.  all of it!

tossing the closet

today i began the arduous task of cleaning out my closet (...a sub-project of cleaning out my whole apartment - which started last week).  and okay, it's not really that arduous; it's actually kind of fun.  at any given time i probably only ever wear 75% of what's in my closet and dresser.  lately that statistic is more like 15%.  if that.  i'm always grabbing for what's most comfortable and functional, and that ends up always being the same 10 items.  also, while watching videos from dress your truth (really, i'm pretty much obsessed) i heard that the average american woman has $6000 in her wardrobe (clothes, shoes, bags, accessories).  while i think i'm actually way way way below that number, there are definitely things in my closet worth a pretty penny that i haven't worn in months and months - or that i've only worn for a total of four hours.

seeing as the job search continues, i figured i might as well cash in the clothes i don't want anyway for some extra change... or extra money with which to pay our internet bill or something.  currently, there is a stack that takes up half our bed (and is at least two feet high) of clothes that i'm probably going to get rid of.  there's another stack on a chair about a foot high (stacked single-file) that i'm definitely going to sell, toss or give away.

now is the time when i really wish i were one of those famous bloggers with 15000 followers who cleans out their wardrobe by creating a subsection of their blog with images of clothes and prices.  i've known more than one woman who bought an article of clothing that way just because so-and-so owned it.  because it hung in her closet next to the one she wears in her profile picture.

yeah, it'd be pretty awesome to auction my clothes off and have obsessed women out-bidding each other for the skirt i wore in my profile picture two years ago.

BUT because that's not the case, i think ebay is going to become my new best friend.  and if that doesn't work, then i'll take the stacks to a consignment shop in lubbock... or something.

any online selling suggestions will be greatly welcomed.  i'm new at this.

in other news, i'm reading animal, vegetable, miracle (which has been on my list for ages) and absolutely eating it up (pun intended).  i already wanted to grow a garden.  now i think i'm going to go buy pots and start one on my balcony.  ....once the money starts flowing again.

speaking of vegetables, dinner tonight was delicious: lightly sauteed red onion, carrot, summer squash and kale; one hard-boiled egg; and a juicy plum for dessert.

yum.

it doesn't get any better than that, folks.

texas lessons

it's storming again tonight in texas.  these storms started a pattern forming in our apartment the last month or two.  typically one of us will see the stormcloud.  one dark massive wave across the otherwise empty blue big sky - exactly how you see a storm cloud in movies if they're created by magic or something else evil and unnatural.  about an hour later, both our phones will start ringing at the same time: the storm warning.  you'd think (because of the urgent tone of the recorded man) this automated message would bring some anxious preparations so our apartment didn't blow over in the damaging winds, get struck by dangerous lightning, or be pelted into an unrecognizable ball of debris by the extremely large hale.  but that's not the case.

the phone call is the signal to get a few snacks, open the blinds all the way, turn off the lights and get ready for the show.

texas storms are one of the few incredible things about this place.

they're fierce.
wild.

dangerous.

without fail after it's subsided (and sometimes still in the middle) the sirens sound.  the roads get crazy and there's always a few unlucky drivers that can't get inside quick enough.  but, without fail, they do pass.  the storms are actually very short-lived.  the longest this far into the season is still the very first - nearly four hours of pouring rain and window-rattling thunder.  but typically they're much shorter.  an hour, sometimes almost two.  then they pass, the clouds dissipate and everything is blue and clear again.

---

for the last several months, i've started a new routine at the gym.  heck, in the last few months i've started going to the gym for the first time in my life!  running's old news sometimes and i wanted to try my hand (or back..and legs, really) at weight-lifting.  so i've started dabbling.  typically i'll run (okay, okay.. and walk more) for a half hour, then sit on weird machines (or lift up big heavy objects that were only created so i could lift them then put them back down) for another fifteen or so.

sometimes i want to stop so so much.  the gym's unnatural to me.  i like to run outside in the clear where there's no one else in the entire wold - just me and the mountains and the sky.  but it's not safe to run in abilene and so i'm learning to be thankful for gyms.  (yes, even if texas food is twice the portions it ought to be and the healthy food movement has yet to hit the big country they do have a few gyms in this town - a few.)  but anyway.  working out, both running and weight lifting, are... well, i love it.  afterward.  okay, sometimes i love what i'm doing during, but not all the time - definitely not a lot.  the point is i love that while i'm doing it i burn.  i get totally and completely out of breath.  i think my legs aren't going to carry me.  i shake.  but then i walk out of the gym, take some deep breaths in the car, have a long drink of water... and everything goes back to normal.

---

the big point is all things pass.

texas storms are furious and frightening at times.  but they pass.
going to the gym makes me feel like i'm going to die, and sometimes i do for an hour afterward.  but then it passes and i go back to normal.  okay, better than normal (let's be honest, who doesn't love those endorphins?)

everything passes.
the rain.
the burning in my lower-half.
texas.
a tiny apartment.
and having no money.

all things pass.  that's what texas is teaching me these days - a funny thing for a town that looks like it's been here since the beginning of time to teach me that all things will pass eventually.  but they will.  and at the end of the next year and a half texas will reinforce that lesson by letting me leave and go back to places that believe in health food.  and city drainage systems.  and mountains.

yeah.  texas, too, will pass.


(for me, at least.  to all those who came here expecting it to be only a few months or years and are still here after 30 years, my heart goes out to you.  it weeps for you.  but, in all honesty, i will never be one of you.)

faubus lake

while i'm not really in love with abilene {and neither is taylor} it's taken a little while to start finding things that  really grab me about this place.  the first thing i really started to love was faubus fountain lake on acu campus.  it's not a lake at all - just a little pond.  kind of a glorified version of byu's duck pond.  at first (when it was cold), i'd just run around the track and see the lake for a good ten minutes of my run.  once it started getting warmer, i'd walk down the stone steps to sit by the water and read while i waited for taylor to stop therapatizing people so he could come play with me.  now, it's become our picnic spot.  we pack up our sandwiches and our mutual book sometimes and head over to watch the birds and fish while we eat and take turns reading to each other.  it's hot lately, but the sun is darn good for my legs!

this is our friend, the great blue heron.  he's a lonely bird that doesn't let any of the others (or us...) get close. i'm glad he's sticking around for the summer - he's about the only majestic part of abilene there is. {okay, okay, except for the lightning and thunder.  which is amazing, by the way.}

aaaand these are my toes loving the sun.  you can't see them in the pictures, but there are MASSIVE coyfish  in the pond.  bright florescent orange, red and glowing white.  and then there's one that's probably 3.5 feet long - really.  there's also a little angel fish that hangs out by the rocks.  she's pretty cute.

and here (at long last) is the grackle.  these birds are everywhere in abilene.  this is guy came over for a sip of water and was angry because the water level was too high for him to climb down.  they make an awesome sound with their heads tipped all the way back.  pretty cool birds.  sadly, everyone here hates them... well, except us i guess.  :-)

it was taylor's turn to read, so i sneaked a picture while he was at an exciting part.  we've just finished the fablehaven series and neither of us is finished grieving yet.  one of the best fantasies ever written, in my opinion.  just plain amazing.

even if most of the city is pretty sad, i'm glad there are a few little spots that satisfy my need for nature.  here's to hoping i find more!

linking

via.

this is a powerful blog about love, and the best beauty secret in the world.

something i've been thinking about lately again, from a woman who's changed the way i see the world.

finally finished with this beautiful, inspiring book.  i loved every sentence of every page.

i love love love it when someone people listen to stand up for a proper perspective.

and last but not least, here's something i've started working on again.  anyone wanna join me?

now vs. then

every now and again i'm compelled to go back through my stacks and read my writing from past years.  today, sitting on a bed in an apartment that's mostly vacant (and soon an apartment for which i won't have to pay rent) i found myself doing just that - leafing back through my old blog.  today, i was reading through a specific time period.

one year ago (plus a month) i was getting ready to leave for seattle.  my husband (then boyfriend) was leaving for japan for the summer and at the time i wasn't sure if our relationship would continue past that point.  and i didn't know how i felt about that uncertainty, either.  i remember the feeling - mostly because i wrote about it well.  it seemed as though life was based on leaving and i longed for some sort of permanence.

i wrote about getting back on track with my health habits, not wanting to part with dearly-loved roommates, leaving my scale behind, and my thoughts on my eating disorder recovery.

in a discussion with my husband earlier today i said something along the lines of it just feels like i was still really naive right before i went to seattle.  it changed something in me and i've grown so much.


and then on the bed reading my blog post from a year ago about moderation, self-forgiveness, confidence and self-love, i was taking notes (and taking to heart) what this girl was saying.  sometimes we were better at some things than we are now, and it's funny when we don't remember.

that doesn't make much sense.  what i'm trying to say (i think) is i realized that a year ago i had a pretty good (and healthy, really genuinely healthy) grip on parts of life that i struggle with from day to day the last while.  and it surprised me when i started telling myself i should take the advice of the younger-me.

basically, where we are now is a product of where we've been (right?).  but that doesn't mean that we're better in all areas.  and it doesn't mean that we're worse in all areas, either.  it just means different.  and sometimes we have to relearn lessons over and over and over and over before they really stick, really get deep down in our heads and our hearts.

so i looked back.  and realized that i'm relearning a lot of lessons that i really used to have a good, fairly firm grip on.

deep breath.

i'm not who i was.  i'm who i am.


and it's okay to not be as on top of things as i was a year ago.  and not just because of the space between.  sure, the space of 13 months counts for something, but when there's no space between (take last week) and one minute i'm fine and dandy and looking at how far i've come and the next i'm wallowing in distress because i'll never be good enough, it's okay.  it's okay that there isn't space between.

that was quite a ramble.

the whole take-home here is just that i'm okay the way i am at this very instant.  disregarding where i was yesterday or a year ago, i'm okay right now - wherever and however i am.

and so are you, yaknow?

the city that cries at least once a day

i think about seattle quite a bit, lately.  about how i've come to really love the concept of seattle in my mind despite how difficult it was to be there a year ago.  i hated seattle while i was there.  at least, i thought it was seattle i hated.  after the passage of time has dulled the experience slightly, i've been able to separate the experience (which was something close to hell) from the city, which i distinctly remember falling in love with (at some moments).  i miss it, i'll be honest.

what really keeps my attention though, when i think of the whole three-and-a-half months that was my adventure on the west coast is how impossible it was to write.  sure, i tried.  for the first few weeks, i woke up early and wrote while i was eating breakfast.  and then i started work, and then i started feeling less and smaller and not enough.  and then i stopped eating breakfast and stopped running and didn't wash my hair for days and days and days at a time.  after which i stopped writing altogether.

several times i've heard eating disorders described in a nutshell as simply not-wanting-to-feel.  yeah, there are a multitude of other things that go along with it, but if i had to boil it down to one thing, at this point in my life i would say the same thing.  the desperate suppressing of emotion, to the point that everything becomes distorted and simple tasks like getting out of bed and dressing yourself are. so. impossibly. difficult.

during the past five years, my struggle with food has dragged me underwater several times.  sometimes it's been a fight to keep my head above, and every so often i've had a short period where i simply floated.  in seattle i was drowning with my hands tied.

and that's why i stopped writing.  once in the cycle of negative emotion, numbing and food abuse, it makes complete sense to do all you can to stop feeling the negative emotions in hopes that you'll be able to feel happy and function normally again.  so i stopped writing because in order to write i had to open myself up.  i had to be vulnerable and ask myself what i was thinking about and what i was feeling.  and i couldn't do that without risking the start of the cycle all over again.


so i stopped.

it's still a wonder to me that from a place so void of self-compassion i exited my stay in seattle with something akin to determination.  toward the end, there was healing.  or the seeds of it.

but it's taken me longer to be able to write again.  at first, the idea of writing at all was daunting.  i didn't want to be that vulnerable ever, ever again.  old habits die hard, i guess.  i've always loved to write and after forming a three-year habit of writing several times a week, a summer-long hiatus didn't break it.  i started writing about every day things, common things, at first.  in places no one would ever see.

but i'm getting braver.

and if there's anything i've learned from my experience in seattle and the relationships that spanned over and through the dark time, it's that you can't bury those emotions forever.  they'll always find a way out.

so i'm going to start writing more about my adventure on the west coast.  because it's been on my mind.  and because i'm working on feeling again.  and because a lot of things happened in seattle that most people don't talk about. and because we'd all be a lot better off it we did talk about those things.

so here goes.

the elderly of abilene

tonight was grocery shopping night.  actually, that should have been last night, but other things came up and grocery shopping was put off until tomorrow - which is fairly typical.  the list was long, my husband and i were both tired, it was late and we were hungry.

once we got to the check-out stand and started putting groceries on the conveyor belt, i remembered we needed bananas.  so i took off to grab some.  while i was gone, taylor finished putting our groceries on the belt and began swiping his card and punching in the numbers.  as i walked back up to the stand, the older woman behind us finished placing her groceries behind ours.  it wasn't much: a couple bags of chips, a few bottled drinks.  she had a plastic separator between our items.  but as i walked up behind her to place the bananas in our section, she reached out quickly {sooo discretely} and took the can of olives from our section and placed them in her own.  just one can of olives.  with her groceries there was no way she could have thought it was hers - she had deliberately taken the can of olives from us to pay for them and take them home herself.

confused, as i set down the bananas i looked at the can of olives and then up into her face.  she looked away quickly.  i had seen her take them - she had seen me watch her take them.  i was only standing a foot away from her {and right in front of her} when she had.

my first impulse was to reach in front of her, take the can of olives and give it to the cashier to place safely in a bag and into our cart.  but i froze.  i couldn't do that - what if she started a scene, accused me of stealing her food?  i wanted to say something.  ma'am, those are my olives.  that's all it would have taken, probably.  but who knows?  i froze.  my husband paid, and spun our cart away and out into the parking lot.

she took my can of olives and with it my hope for american society {for the day}.  have we really fallen so far and become so used to instant gratification that we would steal from a stranger on that kind of an impulse?

she didn't break any laws - she paid for the darn can of olives.  all she did was greatly inconvenience the people in front of her to satisfy her instantaneous craving for olives.  she could have waited until her next shopping trip.  she could have asked the cashier to wait while she quickly grabbed another can from the isle we were standing right next to.  heck, she could have told me she was tired and asked if i would grab her a can of olives while she paid.  i would have.  happily.

but steal my can of olives?  really?

while working at red mango {which thankfully is completely over-with} i heard many an ancient person come for a cup of coffee and complain about my generation's sense of entitlement.  after today, i have no sympathy for them at all.  they may have lived in a better world once upon a time.  but today, 70 year old women feel entitled to steal from the grocery carts of twenty-something-year-olds.  if that's not an entitlement complex, i don't know what is.

thanks to you, old woman, my pasta salad will be entirely without olives this week.

fat talk

i was re-reading a few of my favorite posts from the brunette bombshell on body image, eating disorder recovery and food, when i came across this video.  sure, it's a few years old.  but it gave me goosebumps.  it has me thinking of how many times i let the way i look {or my perception of my appearance} dictate my actions.  this week i'll be more aware of what i say and think.  i don't want to be one of the many perpetuating a culture in which losing weight is the ultimate goal.