everything leaves.

i'm thankful for a washer and dryer in my apartment tonight so i don't have to be waiting at a laundry facility in provo, utah in the middle of the night.  it's really late, and my eyes are feeling scratchy.

leaving is a funny thing.  i've been thinking so much about it lately. . . leaving is good: it means growth.  leaving is tedious because i hate to pack.  leaving is exhilarating because adventure is out there! {pilot goggles and all.}
leaving is difficult - i don't want to let go, yet.

big changes are always a little tough to stomach for me, but this semester is a new degree of distasteful.  i've become more attached to here lately.  the people are harder to leave.  my roommates and i have all avoided packing this semester.  we've loved living with one another so much.  it's been peaceful, motivating, sometimes silly, and mostly just downright fun to live together.  my family is always hard to leave behind, particularly my niece and nephews.  they change so much between my monthly visits home.  it's hard to imagine how much they'll change after four months of being away.  and then there's the musician.  my consolation in this case is that i'm not the only one leaving.  while i'm having adventures in seattle, he'll be adventuring as well.  japan is far away.  seattle is far away.  strangely, i find myself un-heart-broken.  it'll be a challenge, but i know i'm in a much better place emotionally to handle this kind of challenge right now than. . .before.

i attended byu's graduation ceremony today.  natalie {who finished in december} is graduating, and the musician is graduating.  i couldn't help but think of the inconstancy of my life right now.  always moving apartments, always changing my address.  the people in my life coming and going so quickly that sometimes it's difficult to keep track of who came first.  everyone leaves, lately.  genni to home, ari to boston, the musician to japan, my family leaving home and leaving here back to home, sabrina to florida, me to seattle.  close to eight thousand graduates left byu this graduation.  the snow left provo, and soon i will, too.

i know i'm becoming repetitive.  it's like a circular track in my mind, my thoughts going round and round and round.  it's strange that it's not exactly bothering me.  mostly i think it's because i'm not the only one leaving. . . or maybe more because i'm not being left.  that was always the hardest.

there are a few things i have consciously decided to leave, however.  after debating.

i'm leaving the bathroom scale.  for me, this is actually a lot bigger deal than i thought it would be.  there's been a good deal of hype lately about "throwing out the scale" and ripping off all size tags from clothing.  i was never really attached to the scale.  okay, that's a lie.  i wasn't attached until last semester when for the first time there was a scale in my bathroom constantly.  it brought out more obsessiveness than i liked.  i've wanted to throw it away all semester, sometimes desperately.  for a while it became an ugly enemy - always taunting me, reminding of things i didn't want to remember, things i struggled to accept, things i feared i couldn't rid myself of.

but i'm through with it.

i've decided that leaving is a good time to leave a few things behind in my life as well, leave out some bad habits.  i've made such massive leaps of progress this semester when it comes to eating, health habits, self love, self confidence, courage, and trust.  although i've told myself that it doesn't really bother me to have it there, i know it does because every time i walk by i'm tempted "just to see..."

so the scale stays - for good.  in the trash, for that matter.  i'm leaving the last bits of that ugly disorder behind.

i think sometimes, in order to leave things out of our lives that shouldn't be there we have to actually physically leave.  an interesting concept - that physically leaving can aid emotional leaving so much.

and it makes me wonder what else i'm leaving that i don't realize yet.

or what i'm taking to seattle that i'll need to leave there when it's time for me to leave again.
and come home.

the countdown.

at the moment, my room looks like a six foot tall five year old walked in and decided that nothing belonged in the closet and everything belonged on the floor.

my finals are finally over.

the sky is cloudy and rainy {just one week of sunshine??}.

i can't find the packing tape.

i have to have all my belongings in a U-haul in two hours.

i haven't started packing.

i leave in three days.

i'm saying "i" way too much.

the potatoes on the counter are going bad.

all i can think about is hiking.  and strawberries.  and running.

oh yeah, and i ate eel last night - freshwater eel in my sushi.  also spicy tuna and shrimp.  i'm proud i could stomach them.  and if i ignored what they were, i could absolutely say it was some of the most delicious stuff i've ever tasted.

sushi = yum.

....i should start packing.

laugh

"laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."

--victor hugo