basically, i love my roommates.

because anyone who'll stay up to watch confessions of a shopaholic and eat this yummy goodness with me is just my favorite.

ps. that's overnight oats, cookiedough ice cream, AND peanutbutter banana soft serve. one of the best girls' night treats we've had this semester!

a few things i've enjoyed lately. . .

rainy day sleep-ins

polka-dot pajama pants

a clean floor

running with my music up super loud

long talks with my roommates late late late

the color code personality profile

sisters who take my surveys in the middle of the night

brothers-in-law that say the funniest things and give the best advice ever

midnight yoga

my internship girls and their straightforward opinions

back rubs that bring me back to sanity

lunch dates that leave me laughing for hours

pancake dinners right before bed

all things mutual

curly hair + the absence of bangs

peace, after searching and worrying

really big quilts wrapped around me everywhere

hard work paying off {fulton conference second place!}

patterns.

the last few weeks i've been reminded that i'm not perfect - often.  life isn't crashing down or anything, i haven't had some massive humbling experience that will make me an incredibly better person in the future.  it's one of those on-going "this will make me a better person eventually" sorta things.  i've been quiet about my health for a little while because there wans't much to talk about - everything was incredibly {and blissfully} stable.  it was stable because my routine was stable - fairly, at least.

a few weeks ago, that stability was more than slightly overturned. . .gradually.  can something be gradually overturned?  maybe that's a really abstract metaphor.  but it was.  routine stability slowly turned into near chaotic living.

lately,

i don't do as much homework as i used to.

my sleep schedule has been the opposite of what i want it to be - meaning i've been going to bed early and waking up late, going to bed late and waking up early, and going to bed really late and waking up really really late.

running and yoga have been sporadic, at best.

food. . .oh, food. . .

my diet's been something like 70% pure sugar, 20% processed carbohydrates, and 10% actual digestable food.

i've been told that my room is a pretty reliable measure of my inner-state.  if life is stable, my room is impressively clean and organized - and it stays that way for weeks at a time.  however, my stress level, defined as the amount of change present and anticipated {thank you, family adaptation and resiliency for teaching me that life stress doesn't have to make me stressed} is directly correlated to the messiness of my room.  it's a positive line - and yes, it's usually exponential.

something like....

this.

so, that's a long explanation for one little sentence: i think my room is messier than it's ever been.

now, let me clarify slightly.  i'm not super stressed out - see, there's a big difference.

stress = the amount of change a person is undergoing.

stress =/ how stressed out i feel.

moving across the country + end of the semester + anticipating leaving things here i'm really attached to = a whole lot stress!

so, to get to what i wanted:

i haven't been doing as well as i'd like.  all this changing and anticipating the massive changes that are coming up soon has had me a little nervous.  this week it's caught up to me.  my neck has hurt more than usual - little remnants of fibromyalgia pain.  my clothes are all a little tighter than is mentally comfortable because my eating habits have been so off.  old vices tend to surface most during times of change.  i know this, so all this isn't completely unexpected.  and i've learned to manage it better - a week {or in this case, a few} of really off eating and a few extra pounds don't have me being intensely restrictive.  in fact, after recognizing how crazy my eating habits have been my reaction was very carefully intentional: keep three balanced meals a day, try to cut back on the sugar so i feel better.  it's difficult because it's still not my default.  but i'm learning, and i am incredibly impressed with myself for taking time to learn, instead of being reactive and restrictive.

anyone who's had a recovery processes of their own is aware of the monumentalness of what i'm doing.  recognizing patterns enough to stop the cycle is a massive part of pulling out of any addictive practice.  this is one really big "test" i've noticed since starting to mentally beat anorexia out of my life.  i'm glad i was able to recognize a pattern, and i'm glad that i've learned to react the way i now can.  it's been a process, but looking back i'm impressed with how much i've learned - even just this semester.  now, even though my room is still a disaster area, my health habits can all jump back on track instead of swinging to a different extreme.

overall, i'm a much more stable person than i was four months ago, or a year ago, or four years ago.  and it's good to reflect on that kind of monumental progress - especially when the going gets tough!

another reason i'm proud of myself today: i went to sleep at 10:00 pm last night, and i pulled myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning.  before my class started at 10, i'd written a paper, ran, made myself breakfast, eaten breakfast, and gotten completely ready for the day {aka, no ponytail}.  now. . .THAT is major progress, don't you think??

and we'll just disregard the fact that i only went to one class today because of how freezing cold i was. :)

speaking of, i'm off to find some really warm socks!

and make a crazy effort to deep clean my room. :)

i'm obsessed with the weather.

weather.com just became one of my top ten most visited sites.  yep. . .it must be spring!  i know i'm officially obsessed when the hourly forecast stays open the entire day, and all the weather websites start remembering my zip-code.

. . .75 degrees? please?  that's not asking too much, i don't think!

the musician

i met the musician last semester in a class that changed me more than most.  dr. day's advanced family processes: it inspired me to apply for the flourishing families project internship; it helped me find my confidence in my academic ability in the social sciences; i was reunited with a kindred spirit {allison barnes}; and i met the musician.

after a first impression, i was intrigued.  a typical upper-division marriage and family studies course at byu usually consists of married men with one to three children {disregarding the women, because i'm talking about dating, here}.  most are interesting and have their heads on straight.  they are also very unavailable.  the musician was not.  he was, surprisingly, single.

longish sandy hair he'd push away from his face, slate blue eyes that could look right through you sometimes.  he owned one of the more incredible leather jackets i've encountered, along with a messenger bag that proclaimed, "why, yes.  i am extremely cool, aren't i?"  it was taunting.

and intriguing.  absolutely so.

allison and i had more than one inside joke about this dreamboat boy.  i came across a page of notes from the class a few days ago that was covered with back-and-forth scribblings.  it was blatantly obvious we were paying attention in class. . .just not to the professor!  silly, i know.  but we were both single, idealistic daydreamers, and the musician was an ideal subject.

really, other than his attractive physical self, what intrigued me was his thought.  advanced family processes required a lot of risk-taking comment and critical discussion.  i felt more mentally stretched to my limit in that class than any other.  but the musician seemed to have a firm grasp on that kind of critical thought - his comments were important to the discussion because he could challenge our authors and professors.  in a good way. :)

he was a thinker, and it impressed me.

to defend myself slightly, i'm not creepy. . .or shallow.  at least, i hope not!  my interest wasn't just determined by his gorgeousness always sitting across the classroom from me.  i wasn't mooning over a magazine model.  in fact, i can remember three distinct times that he spoke to me, last semester.  and once, he opened a door for me {which distracted me for several hours afterward}.  allison had the privilege of mutual social circles - she knew his roommates.  so naturally, i also heard snippets from her.  which makes me both less of creepy and not shallow at all, right??

anyway, he's entered the scene, lately.  he's become a part of my life, right now.  so, he needed a name.

"the musician" isn't an entirely fitting title.  but to protect his identity and my peace of mind, i have to call him something.  i toyed with references to the social sciences because it's a connection we share.  i thought about some sort of byu-academic-related title that just seemed much to generic and typical.  "the social scientist" made me want to leave the story off the blog altogether {although i'll admit, it's something i like about him tremendously}.  "byu boy" made me queasy and put images in my head of the typical clean-shaved, missionary-haircut clones that plague. . .i mean grace. . .this campus.  and then i looked back over that page of notes from advanced family processes.  "the musician."  it seemed to fit, decently, at least.  it's what i would call him {in jest} to allison before i actually knew him in any face-to-face, real sort of way.  and it stuck.

so, from here on out {for now}, you'll know who i mean when i talk about "the musician."


because it's sure to come up again. :)

be still, my soul.

this morning, i peeked through my blinds and found my world covered in six inches of powdery, clumpy snow.  the kind that weighs the trees down until the blossoming branches touch the side walk and streets.  despite my restlessness for spring, it was magical all over again - absolute proof i'm becoming more accustomed to provo winters than i ever thought possible.  walking at the south end of campus, i noticed the ducks seemed a little more than annoyed at the sudden cold spell than usual, and i smiled.  i dealt with the snow today better than the ducks did, i think.

this weekend is a highlight for me {of the semester entirely}.  general conference is one of my favorite holidays.  okay, not actually a holiday, but it felt like one this time around.  having two full days to soak as much spiritual strength as i can from my leaders is a privilege i treasure.  especially now, as i have changes springing at me from all sides, it was more than encouraging.  it was restful.  rest that i dearly needed {although i hadn't realized it before now}.

i feel rejuvenated.  like i have the tools i need to move forward.

there are a few things that have been worrying me lately.  the future {immediate and far} is on my mind more than usual, lately.  as a woman, i have a strong desire to have a family - someday.  i want that family to be my first priority.  however, as my bachelor's degree nears it's end {thankfully}, i have a large decision to make.  to have a master's, or not to have a master's?  i've been the pendulum in that clock for quite some time.  i know i could thrive in that situation, that i could love that education and the career it led to with all of myself.  but i worry it would distract me from what i really want in this life: to have a family of my own.  i know the temptation would grow to replace that with other things.  it would become easier to be more self-centered, easier to be only self-reliant, easier to be too. . .independent.

maybe it's a silly worry - i know plenty of women who have gone beyond master's degrees, with and without families who are living their lives in line with principles i value.  but then again, i know my weaknesses - some of them.  and i worry about putting myself in that situation.

this weekend, i glimpsed a little rest from that worry and those decisions.  while hearing inspired messages, i received my own little peace.  the thought that i would know what to do.  that i can pray and go to the house of the Lord to guide my decisions, peacefully.

i still don't know what to do.  i'm not sure exactly the things i should definitely pursue {as more options present themselves}.  but i know i'll be guided by my Heavenly Father to the course He would have me walk on.  i felt sure {through this weekend} that being in seattle over the summer will be difficult, that it will be more of a test than i've even anticipated, in more ways than i've dreamed about.  but i know now that it is what i am to do.  i know it's an experience meant to refine me, meant to make me stronger and help guide my future - as uncertain as it seems right now.

i know my Savior loves me and will be there to support me as i face things i'm still afraid of right now.  i know He can help me turn that fear into faith - for the two cannot exist in the same space, like light and darkness.  

i also know i need to sleep if i'm going to wake up to run in the morning {and yes, that's a need}.  

i sat down to write about something almost completely unrelated to all. . .this.  but apparently my subconscious had other plans.

tomorrow, i won't be quite as deep! :)

goodnight, world.  here's to waking up to spring again!