dear, dear, dear

dear sabrina,
i think you might hate me for telling you i was getting married by sending you an announcement.  which i think you received after i was married... but i still love you and think about you tons.  here's to writing you an actual letter this month.
love dido.

dear mom,
i miss sitting at the kitchen table with you eating healthy treats, playing games, and talking about lots of nothing that meant everything.  i miss you.  thank you for sending me my wedding cake and the remote to our tv.  now we can watch new episodes of psych and the office while we're eating cake.  i've been meaning to call and catch up.  here's to skyping for more than ten minutes with you and dad tomorrow.
love your daughter.

dear blog,
you still don't look like i want you to, but no worries.  after an hour and a half, i finally figured out how to use my scanner.  now, you won't be sad much longer! :)  here's to making you awesome.
love your scribbler.

dear taylor,
this morning you saw your first client.  i'm proud of you and will always admire your drive, ambition and proactive life.  thank you for going to school to make the world a better place and to help us have the money to live some of our dreams.  i can't wait to hear how it went.  here's to getting you through school with my sad little income.  i love you muches.
love your wifey.

dear brian doyle,
you've made me cry twice already in the last two weeks.  your exploration of the mad wild miracle of the heart inspires me, uplifts me and gives me motivation to talk to strangers.  you're downright right.  everybody has a story.  why don't i start asking them to tell it?  here's to savoring the last fourth of your book.
love your avid admirer.

dear lunch,
i don't know what to eat for you, but i'm darn hungry.  here's to finding something with good enough left-overs that i'll like them for dinner on my break, too.
love your eater.

from cold to dates and work to goals

this morning i'm freezing.  fingers cold, lips blue even after blowing my hair dry at high heat {bad for my hair? yes. but i had to do something to stop the goosebumps from spreading}.  so here i sit, massive mug of hot chocolate in hand, still trying not to shiver.

i live by the phrase "cold hands, warm heart."

this morning, i skipped the gym {which i'm sure i'll get my fill of over the next four weeks}.  however, i still put in a pretty strenuous full-body strength workout with taylor.

my fruit bowl is heaping - yams, two bunches of bananas to satisfy my need for green smoothies, two grapefruits the size of my head, a red onion, little dry clementines and a bunch of garlic.  fruit is one of the most beautiful things in the world.

last night, after my complaining that sometimes i just didn't feel like making dinner, taylor shewed me out of the kitchen and made some delicious paninis with more homemade onion rings.  it was divine - to eat delicious food i didn't make, to have time to talk with mindy, and to work out some blogging kinks.  it was also divine to eat our wedding cake before dinner, play two rounds of bananagrams afterward {i finally broke his winning streak!}, and then have him follow me around reading fablehaven while i got ready for bed and took my daily vitamins.  it was a pretty beautiful date-night, overall.

and in retrospect, i'm even more glad i turned down the offer for five more hours of work yesterday.  it paid off.  my manager sent me a text this morning asking if i was comfortable closing without supervision tonight {for the first time - i've only closed once before}.  after consideration, i told him i thought i'd be fine.  he replied by saying he has total confidence in me.

it's good to be validated - especially by the person who's writing your paycheck twice a month.  i feel empowered after his comments.

i also can't wait to take a break at work tonight.  silly, i know, to be looking forward to my break before i've even started working.  but just see - yesterday, they switched the classic-flavored machines.  now, we have chocolate.  and it's hands-down the best chocolate frozen yogurt i've ever had.  i plan to drench it with caramel and white chocolate sauce, maybe some strawberries and granola... and savor every last lick.

monday starts the beginning of my kick-butt goals.  an hour of exercise a day, sugar once or twice a week, and no more telling myself that i feel like crap or that i hate my body.  i've fallen back into all that negative self-talk more than i'd realized.  yesterday, when i was feeling the fear, i noticed how the fear slowly morphed into a committee in my head that was critically analyzing my failure in every area.

and that's when my commitment to these new goals hit an all-time high.
no more of that.  you are what you think {..and eat} and i'm not going to tear myself down any more.

i started a project once to change the way i viewed my body.  i wrote about the beginnings in my previous record, and kept at it mentally for quite a while, but didn't write about it very often.  this time, i'm going to chart my progress, watch my growth, and be mindful of how i'm doing with it all mentally and physically.

the biggest goal this time is to intentionally create goals that will form a lifestyle i can maintain.  one that will help elevate my thoughts, work my body, and have me feeling happy, healthy and balanced.  not restricted and perfect.

after all, i'm striving for progress here.  not perfection.

over and out.
have a sunny weekend!

on being real

after a several month break from writing, i came back to it for several reasons.  first, i wanted to write in this format again because i love it - it wakes me up, helps me feel alive and search for the good in life.  i decided to write again because it's therapeutic for me.  because in times when i'm not feeling like it, the act of writing stretches me to find ten things i love or just to put to words to what's going on in my mind.  there are lots of reasons, really.

one reason i decided to write again was to push myself to write honestly about negative emotion.  when i unintentionally stopped writing last summer, it was because there was a large void of positive emotion in my life.  i was dueling with depression again and couldn't bring myself to write openly about what was going on inside of me.  so i posted sporadically.  when i experienced something that brought me joy, i wrote about it.  when i saw a pocket of sunlight in the rainy city, i captured it with my words.  but i couldn't put words to the rain.  i denied my struggles even to myself.

today, i'm discovering the difficulty of what i've set out to do.  i've started a post about my fears four times, backspacing the first paragraph over and over.  

all i want to say today is that i'm fighting my fear.

today i'm afraid of being inadequate, being not good enough in so many ways.

today i'm afraid of giving up certain struggles because they give me protection, provide the excuses i need to justify certain behaviors.

today i'm afraid of failure, afraid of to try and not succeed.

today i'm afraid of giving up control over everything and everyone around me, even though i know i don't have it anyway.

today i'm afraid of being weak, being controlled and not having the self respect to stand up for my truths.

and there it is - no fancy metaphor.  today, i'm feeling a lot of fear.

on a more upbeat note, the onion rings turned out great last night.  aaaand although i slept in a lot longer than i planned, i slept wonderfully and feel rested today.  which is big, after working a ten hour day yesterday.

today, i've already spoken my truth to my boss and told him i wasn't going to fill in last minute at work tonight {with no excuse - i didn't tell him i didn't feel well and i didn't tell him i was too busy}.  no excuses, just a plain truth.  that's big for me.

now, after retaining my night off, i plan to enjoy the rest of the day.

give my fear to God,

let Him take control

and just see what happens when i muster the faith to try.

happy weekend! :)

after work,

there's a little spark in my heart tonight.  surprising after a ten hour shift {and the fact that i've been awake for almost seventeen hours}.  i came home tonight to a clean house, my best friend putting left over pad thai on the stove, and a foot rub.  and fablehaven, and two-month old chocolate wedding cake.  and a flannel shirt and pj pants.

i'm grateful today to live in a place where i could get a job three weeks after i started looking.
i'm thankful for a husband who pays attention, works hard, and gives our relationship everything he has.
i'm thankful for pajama pants.
and a left over onion {hello, onion rings in barbecue sauce...}
i'm thankful for an over-zealous coffee salesman curious about my religion.
i'm thankful for parfaits of white peach and blueberry frozen yogurt stacked with strawberries, granola, chocolate and yogurt chips.
and mostly pad thai and left over chip crumbs.

on another note, i can't wait to fry these onion rings.  if this turns out, i might have found an excuse to buy an extra onion every few days...
also, i can't get enough of the wet engine by brian doyle.  it's honestly literally one of the most beautiful and heart-wrenching things i've ever read {and if he read that line, he'd probably either get a good laugh or roll his eyes at my ill-timed overused metaphor}.  i love the man and his stories - and his collection of other people's stories.

and he's given me a massive new respect for hummingbirds and heart surgeons.

...now for my onion rings.

happy march!  spring's that much closer for the portion of the world that believes in seasons.  for me, it's that much closer to the time when the growing heat will justify my frozen yogurt consumption just a little more.

bird heaven

if there's one thing i love about abilene texas, it's the birds.  i haven't looked up anything about this yet, but i plan to learn more about all the crazy birds here.  it's winter everywhere else, so i assume all the birds are just here for the warm weather that never goes away.  once it's 115 degrees with 80 percent humidity, i expect them to leave.  so just in case my theory is correct, i'm soaking up all the bird-watching i can get in.  and that basically means, i keep my eyes peeled while running in the morning so i don't get dropped on.  this morning alone, i saw a blue heron, a seagull {where the heck is the water??}, a massive flock of black birds/crows, a tiny group of little friend finches, two bluebirds, a group of pigeons, and a bunch of other nameless little beauties that are multicolored and shimmery.  it's incredible, i'm telling you.  sometimes at night, i feel like i'm in the alfred hitchock movie "the birds" {which i've yet to see - going to wait winter out before i do}.  they fly so thickly that parts of the sky go black, in big v-shapes and massive swarms.  i'm never seen so many birds in one place.  also, i did not take this picture, but it is exactly what i saw.  the crazy animal was probably three feet tall.  incredible, right?



on another note, already this morning, i've had a hard time forgiving my body for not being perfect.  and yet, i went on a run, am already dressed, and have already eaten breakfast and am mid-snack.  also, i'm a naked face today - in preparation to take the naked face challenge, i'm going bare-faced every few days.  my hair still gets crazy without a blow-dryer, but man it's nice not to take the time to do my hair and makeup {not to mention, it can't be bad for my mental health to have a little less mirror time lately.}

also, mom mailed us our wedding cake two days ago, which means i might be chomping on some of that goodness for an early dessert.  yup, that sounds like it might hit the spot.

two mile run today, and it's hard not to feel like wimp for doing less than three.  but hey! i ran.  and sometimes that's a big step.  also, my legs are pretty sore, so i've gotta be doing something!

happy leap year day everybody!! in conjunction, it's my dream to have a baby on february 29th.  how awesome would it be to have a secret birthday that only REALLY came around every four years??  pretty cool, i think.

have a happy day!

day number one: a girl who knows nothing about coffee

day one of work done! my feet hurt, my middle back is aching a little and overall, i'm pretty tired.  today, i successfully switched the till, closed the till, counted the till, and ran the register for eight hours straight.  i also made small and large smoothies of every variety.  i only made one latte... and it exploded all over me, the machines, the floor, and the counter.  luckily the customer didn't see.  sadly, i think i served her a lukewarm tuxedo latte.  hope she liked her white and dark chocolate.

that experience out of the way, i can absolutely say that i don't mind my job at all, and after a bit of getting it into my comfort zone, i might like it quite a bit.  except for the coffee.  i just can't wrap my mind around coffee, still.  i've never had it, never made it, never been around it.  when someone wants a mocha, i couldn't tell you the difference between a caramel mocha and double chocolate frappe.  sadly, they also don't use recipe charts for the coffee, although they do for just about everything else.  eek.  i'm afraid i might splatter steamed milk all over me multiple more times before i get anything right in that zone of the work space.

that aside, i worked with a boy named pierce today.  pierce is scruffy, with a padawan braid that extends from the nape of his neck to his shoulder.  he's quiet, but he gets the job done and steps out of what's comfortable to do it right.  seems like a decent sort of man-in-formation.  katie closed with me today and despite the high-school-senior vibe she radiates, she was mildly pleasant.  i'm also afraid my manager is a down-right gossip.  makes me worry about staying on his good side a little, although {insert formation of a new self here} i know all i have to do is stick to my truths and i'll be just fine by me and God.

i found out today that every shift i work i get a free "whatever i want."  basically it made my day.

after that knowledge, i can tell you the white peach frozen yogurt mixed with blueberry frozen yogurt is practically one of the best things you'll ever put in your presently flavor-deprived mouth.

yum.  really, that's about all i can say.

over and out - it's way past bedtime.

the only natural thing to do was build a fort.

here i am: college graduate with a job.  my job might just be working as a shift lead for red mango, but it's still a job after college.  in addition, my husband {still can't get used to that phrase} scheduled his first client last week as an interning marriage and family therapist.  all that growing up in our house simply had to end. and be celebrated.

so, naturally taylor and i gathered all our furniture and blankets in one room {not to mention clothespins and hair ties} to build a fort.  it's basically the coolest fort in existence, complete with a queen-sized mattress, a television, a scrabble table, electricity, and tunnels to the bathroom and kitchen.

you can't move from the front door to any part of our student-sized apartment.  and today that could have been potentially hazardous.

the fort has been in place for several days now, and this morning we decided that to better move around our apartment, we'd better take down the tunnels.  which leaves the coolest part of the fort installed.

backing up slightly, a vital piece of this story starts weeks ago, when our shower rod started violently plummeting to the floor every other time we'd shower. or so.  this last saturday, we decided this had to be fixed. and quick.  so, saturday afternoon we marched down to the front office of good old apartment complex I.R. and put in a work order.

this morning, a man came to fulfill that order.  i thanked my lucky stars we'd uninstalled the tunnels not an hour before.

the really funny thing is, i don't think he even noticed the massive tent-like fort of blankets, chairs, lacrosse sticks, and mattress.  the short man moved so fast you could barely see him and without so much as an odd glance at our fortress monstrosity, he came, fixed the violent shower curtain, and left.

and from now on, i will not be afraid to show the repairman that we are a fort-building companionship.

although, i will keep the walk-ways clear every time we put in a work order.