music

hours past midnight, and i really ought to be sleeping.  i have a drive in front of me in the morning - quick trip home and i'm already on my way back up to happy valley - and if i'm going to stay awake on the freeway, i need some sleep.  why am i awake, you ask?  well, it's because of music.

see, one of the more valuable things i lost when my little green laptop decided to die was my entire {and extremely cherished} music collection.  i say collection because it truly was that. i had  music on my ipod from early high school {mae, all-american rejects, relient k}.  i had music from every good friend who agreed to a music exchange party for years back, things like taylor the latte boy and pink martini.  i had a unique section from most of my lovers through my dating years - some really bizarre, some i listened to regularly.  artists as random as cartel, sea bear, and the byu men's choir.  the disney song kiss the girl from the little mermaid, the intro song from mission impossible II that my mom loves to dance to, a massive chunk of sabrina's music that she was generous enough to share with me {sufjan stevens, lady gaga, the shins}.

i had never listened to quite a bit of it.  a large portion of the never-listened-to section was given to me by a boy with language that wasn't quite up to par.  this part i'm happy to be rid of.  it sat there going stale because i didn't want to sort through it to find what was actually good and what was sour.

. . . i'm getting sidetracked.

to get to the point, despite the fact that i hadn't even listened to all this music, and that ninety percent of it wasn't actually mine, it was absolutely a part of me.  this itunes collection told a story.  the story of my friends, the story of my difficulties, the story of my twitterpated fantasies, the story of my lovers, the story of my heartaches and successes.  it told my story.

and it's gone.

is it really lame that this is the part of my old computer i miss the most?  i had papers on there that took me hours and hours - sucked the life out of me for weeks.  i had lists of everything important i'd accomplished in life and everything i wanted to someday check off.  years worth of budgets, creative writing, pictures. . .etc.  and yet, the part that seemed the most me was my music - because it told my story.

"this will be good for you!" chimes natalie.  {as she's helping me sort through a package of music i'd given her a while back to restore to my possession.}  "a new start!  you don't ever have to be reminded of that one horrible relationship again when his music starts playing on your computer...because it won't be there!"

and i guess that's just it.  i like memories.  i like the good and the bad - knowing where it came from, where i came from.  music is a big reminder for me - of all things good and bad.

a new start really is a good thing.  i think it's coming at an opportune time, a time when i needed to have my memory hard-drive wiped clean, slightly...metaphorically.  it scares me to let those things go, i think.  i hold on to them tightly because they're mine to remember.

but the last while i've felt very. . . new-start-ish.

i remember specifically, february 13th, coming home at about 10:00 pm and telling genni, "it just feels like the start of something new.  a new chapter. i don't know why yet, but something's different.  i can feel it."

and then i think of all the things life's forced me {against my will, more often than not} to let things go the last while.  it's been quite the load.  things i've lost, things lost on me, people i'll never see again, things i'll never read, little mementos that triggered memories - all gone.  and i think, maybe it's a good thing, this losing.  some of those songs were the only tie left to certain memories.  when i listened, i would remember things i otherwise wouldn't be able to recall at all.

and maybe it's a good thing those memories have been bound to my subconscious.  i think it's a not-so-subtle hint that i need to move on.

because if i expect to give a new chapter in my life full attention, i need to let the old ones stay old.  stay in the past.

and maybe the best way to do that was to wipe my hard-drive clean.  it seems a little brutal to me still.  but i guess drastic times call for drastic measures.

well.  the drastic measures have been made, and i'm waiting to see signs of drastic times.

don't get me wrong.  things are swell.  yes, even abnormally or drastically swell!  and i want that to keep going. but i'd also like to have a little foresight and understand why it was so important that i lose all that music and all those memories.

because really, i'm missing all the albums of jimmy eat world pretty tremendously right now.
but then. . .i think i've already found some more than decent substitutions. . .

here's to future music. . .and drastic times and drastic measures.

and also, natalie just suggested that sometime i write a comical version of this post outlining all the music i received from each boyfriend i had.  man, that'd be a list, for sure!
and yes, comical is a good word.

but that's another day. :)
goodnight, music-lovers!

ps. my cat just ate a really big bug.  ew... second thoughts about sleeping with her tonight... ew.

the {almost} last day of class celebration

for as long as i can remember, on the very last day of school my mom would pick my sisters and me up from class and take us out to ice cream.  it's just about the best last day of class celebration ever.  it takes priority over parties, friend lunches, and everything else.  last day of class ice cream is my favorite. ever.  being three and a half hours away from mom, i'm always a little sad on the last day of class when no one's going to pick me up and pay for my yogurt {because believe me, this tradition will not die}.  luckily {not to repeat myself too many times} i live with a couple fantastic girls that believe in traditions involving good food and the end of school.  i'm driving home on the last day, so we're a day early here.  we felt safe to assume at this point that no one will die before tomorrow's over with.

mine's the one with the oreo crumbs, of course.  ari's on the left, and genni's on the right.  because frozen yogurt tells a lot about a person, right? :)

my beautiful girls!

ari and me

devoured!

we talked about having a little book club over the summer - we're going to chose a book we'll read to talk about when we get back together again in the fall.  oh yes, and we are officially living together again in the fall - one story up for an extra window {yay!}.  we dreamed about summer plans, avoided going home to one last night of homework, and talked about animal testing... and cats falling from buildings... and rats on the top floor of the swkt.  weird, right?  who in the world would have thought they kept rats up there. . .

oh glorious yogurt.  it was a much needed reunion.  thank you, mom, for the absolutely excellent tradition!  and thank you, roommates, for keeping it up!