every time i'm just...kind of, well... blank.
this summer's already been a swirl of decisions made, second-guessed, and called off. plan-b's thought through entirely only to be discarded. on one hand, it's already been an exhaustingly moody summer. but on the other hand, it's been mostly many moments of pure happiness. but... on the third hand, i've had more days of depressed restlessness than ever before. i've known concretely what the next year of my life will look like six different times already - and none of them overlap even the slightest. i've cursed the cold for seeping into every possible crack it could and screamed at the humidity for making me sticky and sweaty. i've apologized for being a horrible person multiple times to my work partner, my roommates, my boyfriend, and my messy room {which takes the brunt of it all}.
yesterday {while i couldn't think of anything to write}, i read over several posts i wrote from last summer, which {if i had to title it} would be the time period of finding inner-joy. i looked back and marveled. i wrote those words? while i remember learning those lessons, i'm not sure what happened between points a and b. not that i'm unhappy. not in the least.
just excessively inconsistent.
i'm the kind of person that thrives on structure - scheduled {but not overly-busy} days. predictability in almost every area of life. spontaneity present, but definitely on a back-burner. and i have fully realized that if i wanted to stick with that high-structure sorta thing, i definitely picked the wrong summer job.
but we end up with the things in life that help us grow, yes?
yes. yes, we do.
looking back i can see what a massive period of growth last summer was for me, and i can only hope that in hindsight this summer will look similar. i feel like i'm learning some of the same lessons {over and over and over again}, but in circumstances that increasingly build in difficulty. last summer i learned to find joy in life while in the most predictable and safe setting possible, home. this summer, i'm trying to learn to find that inner peace and joy while in an extremely unpredictable setting, one that is constantly changing and constantly go go going. it's more difficult, that's for sure.
but... {deep inhale breath}
hard is good.
and i can do hard.
also, this whole "what do i want to do with my life after school" thing is really starting to drive me crazy. so, let's take a pole, shall we? :)
things that very well could be in jessica's future {aka, pick the future you want to vicariously live through my blog}:
- social work master's degree
- yoga teaching certification program
- massage therapy school
- family studies research master's degree
- holistic nutrition and healing master's degree
- or the all-present option of calling a bachelor's degree sufficient and finding a groovy job at a cool cafe or bakery while being poor and having time to read books i want to read, run races i want to run, and get a dog.
and honestly, that last one is awful appealing, lately.
and now i'm going to go do yoga and meditate about all that stuff for a while {which really means i'll be thinking of anything BUT those things}.
this summer's mantra: "i can be happy independent of my environment, my schedule, and my messy apartment."
now... to prove it.
happy weekend :)
