last saturday, my internship officially ended. a month ago, i would have given anything to be right here right now. but then the sun came out.
i've been packing, starting to clean, and getting distracted by beautiful seattle all week already. now it comes to it, i'm not so sure i want to leave. i'm realizing all the things i'm going to desperately miss.
like in the early mornings, the man in the gym that doesn't speak any english, but always has a massive smile and loves his grandchildren more than anything in the world.
the misting - there's no such things as sprinkling rain here, i've decided. it doesn't sprinkle, it mists. and sometimes that mist is so mysterious and beautiful.
driving down the 5 today, i realized how much i'll miss driving in seattle, too. now don't get me wrong - driving in seattle can excessively obnoxious. it's prevented me from eating ice cream more than twice this summer. although i'm not sure if that's good or bad. but when you're on the 5 driving south, the view of the city is breath-taking. with the water surrounding it and sailboats blowing on the water... it's a sight burned into my memory that i'd die to come back and experience again someday.
i'd still never live here, if it was my preference. the rain is just too much for me most months. but my families were right - this city sparkles in the sunshine!
at the moment, my room's still a slight disaster area, although i think i'm starting to see sense in my madness. the kitchen's still dirty, and i need to find a way to remove the nails in the wall. but i'm procrastinating. i don't like to pack, and now i don't want to go away quite so quickly, either.
it took a while, but now i really do love seattle.
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 9
Thursday, July 28
meat
today, i'm eating italien chicken sausage, and a slice of turkey. {both from happy animals.}
and that's a really, really big deal!
some days, meat tastes absolutely divine to me. others, i can barely get it past my gag reflex. but we're working, here! baby steps...
also a delicious salad with grape tomatoes and banana peppers (my favorite pepper ever).
i've decided there's no way to politely eat a grape tomato...
or a slice of meat for that matter.
i'm just not good at politely eating meat. and i need to work on that before eating it in public.
bon appetit!
and that's a really, really big deal!
some days, meat tastes absolutely divine to me. others, i can barely get it past my gag reflex. but we're working, here! baby steps...
also a delicious salad with grape tomatoes and banana peppers (my favorite pepper ever).
i've decided there's no way to politely eat a grape tomato...
or a slice of meat for that matter.
i'm just not good at politely eating meat. and i need to work on that before eating it in public.
bon appetit!
Sunday, July 24
my long absence
it's been an interesting summer.
i blog, i stop... i blog about not blogging, then i stop again.
but i think i've started to understand why i just haven't been able to get myself to blog lately. my sister told me last week,
"there's a time to write and a time to experience. you're just experiencing right now."
i think that's a big part of it. after doing everything i'm doing everyday, there just isn't enough in me most days to sit down and write about it. it's taken all my emotional energy to DO.
then, there's another part, too. this summer has changed me. enough that i might call it an ideological shift. according to social science research, those don't happen often in people's lives. maybe once, very rarely twice, and sometimes people go through life without ever experiencing something that makes them question who they are in relation to everyone else in the world.
this summer, the shift has been rather gradual, but looking back now, it seems to override all the other experiences i've had while living in seattle. it's hard to even put words to it... i'm just simply not the same.
it has quite a bit to do with my inner state of peace, with my relativity to others around me. the fact that i know i can't compete with the world anymore, so i might as well live in peace with it. it has quite a bit to do with deciding not to go to graduate school and to explore other options to live and love what i'm living. it has loads to do changing the way i eat.
i feel like i'm still kind of ... grasping at air trying to put my hands on it sometimes. which really, can get frustrating because most of the time i'm not sure how to live, now that the way i used to live isn't right for me anymore.
through all of this, the thought of writing it down has been a little ridiculous. and yet, i couldn't really write about anything else because of how unimportant it all seemed in comparison. so, the simple solution was to stop writing for long periods of time.
i've been thinking really hard about coming back lately. back to provo, back to ivins, first. back to school, back to the blog. and when i've thought about coming back to the blog, more often than not i've thought about not coming back at all. it feels like i've outgrown the roots of this blog.
paisley: my first description stated that i was the pattern - that during life, it always seemed so chaotic; it didn't make sense. but when i looked above, stepped back, i could see the pattern. my life was the pattern.
while that's a cute philosophy, it's just not me anymore.
i'm refusing to be a part of anything approaching chaos.
i've fantasized at times about never coming back to the blog again once my journey through school is over. it's certain now. the initial goal was to make it through college. i'm almost there. come december, i'll finish my last class and walk out of byu, for good. after that, it's goodbye, paisley.
i'm not sure if i'll start another, but i have plenty of time to think about that!
i hope i'm back consistently, at this point. but i can't be sure. when one is ideologically unsteady, you never can tell when things are going to tilt off-balance again and send me into another bout of emotional overload. but i can hope that doesn't happen. and as long as it doesn't, i'm back for at least another five months!
i blog, i stop... i blog about not blogging, then i stop again.
but i think i've started to understand why i just haven't been able to get myself to blog lately. my sister told me last week,
"there's a time to write and a time to experience. you're just experiencing right now."
i think that's a big part of it. after doing everything i'm doing everyday, there just isn't enough in me most days to sit down and write about it. it's taken all my emotional energy to DO.
then, there's another part, too. this summer has changed me. enough that i might call it an ideological shift. according to social science research, those don't happen often in people's lives. maybe once, very rarely twice, and sometimes people go through life without ever experiencing something that makes them question who they are in relation to everyone else in the world.
this summer, the shift has been rather gradual, but looking back now, it seems to override all the other experiences i've had while living in seattle. it's hard to even put words to it... i'm just simply not the same.
it has quite a bit to do with my inner state of peace, with my relativity to others around me. the fact that i know i can't compete with the world anymore, so i might as well live in peace with it. it has quite a bit to do with deciding not to go to graduate school and to explore other options to live and love what i'm living. it has loads to do changing the way i eat.
i feel like i'm still kind of ... grasping at air trying to put my hands on it sometimes. which really, can get frustrating because most of the time i'm not sure how to live, now that the way i used to live isn't right for me anymore.
through all of this, the thought of writing it down has been a little ridiculous. and yet, i couldn't really write about anything else because of how unimportant it all seemed in comparison. so, the simple solution was to stop writing for long periods of time.
i've been thinking really hard about coming back lately. back to provo, back to ivins, first. back to school, back to the blog. and when i've thought about coming back to the blog, more often than not i've thought about not coming back at all. it feels like i've outgrown the roots of this blog.
paisley: my first description stated that i was the pattern - that during life, it always seemed so chaotic; it didn't make sense. but when i looked above, stepped back, i could see the pattern. my life was the pattern.
while that's a cute philosophy, it's just not me anymore.
i'm refusing to be a part of anything approaching chaos.
i've fantasized at times about never coming back to the blog again once my journey through school is over. it's certain now. the initial goal was to make it through college. i'm almost there. come december, i'll finish my last class and walk out of byu, for good. after that, it's goodbye, paisley.
i'm not sure if i'll start another, but i have plenty of time to think about that!
i hope i'm back consistently, at this point. but i can't be sure. when one is ideologically unsteady, you never can tell when things are going to tilt off-balance again and send me into another bout of emotional overload. but i can hope that doesn't happen. and as long as it doesn't, i'm back for at least another five months!
Sunday, May 22
apartment number 311a.
it's high time i properly introduced my new setting - and its relevant characters.
upon arriving in seattle in the pouring rain {nearly a month ago}, i was informed by a handsome man with a thick beautiful accent that i would be staying in apartment number 311a. my first impressions of the apartment was that the hallway smelled funny - which it does. perpetually. however, the giant red wall and adjacent wall of windows makes up for the smell that usually doesn't cross the 311 threshold anyway. as i've said before, 311a has character. we have a decent sized balcony {perfect for reading when the sun's out}. although it has two bedrooms, they are in no way created equal. luckily, i share the master bedroom - complete with its own tiny balcony and a half bathroom. the other bedroom is rather cramped, but livable. every time we open the bathroom door after taking a shower, our fire-alarm goes off and it takes a good ten minutes before it will be quiet. i think it might be slightly impairing my hearing. also, every time anyone turns on a hair-dryer, the power goes off and we have to flip all the breakers. that can't be a good sign, i'm sure. the kitchen is small, and generally unremarkable. however, our view does deserve remark. as mentioned before {several times}, from our windows, you'd think we live in a treehouse. all the buildings in our apartment complex {which is massive, by the way} look kind of cabin-like. okay, well...like four-story cabins. but they blend into the trees, and the squirrels and crows and finches complete the woodsy feeling i get every time i look out the windows. the tibetan prayer flags hung outside our window also add a nice touch. however, we still do not have a trash can.
i live in 311a with three other girls - also flourishing families researchers {which means we talk about work a lot}. upon moving in, melissa gave each of us in 311a "street names." that means she calls brittany "butters," victoria "beckster," and me "j-jo." sometimes brittany is also "bunnie." this creates a strange kind of name separation in my mind and every time i try to address one of my roommates i'm not quite sure what's going to come out. the most common mistake is that i call melissa "melanie" - all the time. which doesn't exactly make her happy. so i've resorted to trying to only call her "mel," which should solve the problem.
in mel's words, victoria is almost as earthy as i am. victoria is a vegetarian foodie, a vocabulary einstein, and {like me} reads social science literature for pleasure. eating mangoes is one of her favorite things to do in the entire world. she has an incredible {and incredibly unique} sense of humor. her favorite color is purple, and she's a night-owl. she brought me breakfast this morning while i was in bed and not feeling well: peppermint tea, two buttermilk scones with honey, and apple slices. yes, i loved it and her.
brittany, or butters {i still haven't found a happy medium of exactly what to call her}, is sweet. we met in family finance last semester before either of us knew we were both going to seattle with the flourishing families project, and we both very much wanted to be friends. little did we know, we'd end up living together for the summer. she has long reddish brown hair that makes me miss long hair quite a bit. she's calm and fun-loving and is one of the best talk-to people i've ever met. mostly, she's a great support. and she's learning to play victoria's guitar.
mel completes our ensemble. if i had to describe her in one word, it would be intense..or maybe crazy... or extreme... or... okay, really i wouldn't describe her in one word at all. she runs marathons, kick boxes, and is very tan. she's exuberant and social {a california girl through and through}, and she loves a good party. she has a curious mind and learns from the people around her - a talent, in my opinion. she's obsessed with costco tortillas, and doesn't call anyone by their real name. if she had her way, the apartment wouldn't have any doors - not even on the bathrooms.
it's been a different experience living with people i don't know. there isn't nearly as much privacy as i'm used to, and communicated boundaries has been an experience. mostly, we've already had loads of silly fun. and really, with this crazy job, i'm quite happy i'm living with a support group who knows the ups and downs of a research position. we're kind of an odd group, but really... life's more fun that way, anyway!
upon arriving in seattle in the pouring rain {nearly a month ago}, i was informed by a handsome man with a thick beautiful accent that i would be staying in apartment number 311a. my first impressions of the apartment was that the hallway smelled funny - which it does. perpetually. however, the giant red wall and adjacent wall of windows makes up for the smell that usually doesn't cross the 311 threshold anyway. as i've said before, 311a has character. we have a decent sized balcony {perfect for reading when the sun's out}. although it has two bedrooms, they are in no way created equal. luckily, i share the master bedroom - complete with its own tiny balcony and a half bathroom. the other bedroom is rather cramped, but livable. every time we open the bathroom door after taking a shower, our fire-alarm goes off and it takes a good ten minutes before it will be quiet. i think it might be slightly impairing my hearing. also, every time anyone turns on a hair-dryer, the power goes off and we have to flip all the breakers. that can't be a good sign, i'm sure. the kitchen is small, and generally unremarkable. however, our view does deserve remark. as mentioned before {several times}, from our windows, you'd think we live in a treehouse. all the buildings in our apartment complex {which is massive, by the way} look kind of cabin-like. okay, well...like four-story cabins. but they blend into the trees, and the squirrels and crows and finches complete the woodsy feeling i get every time i look out the windows. the tibetan prayer flags hung outside our window also add a nice touch. however, we still do not have a trash can.
i live in 311a with three other girls - also flourishing families researchers {which means we talk about work a lot}. upon moving in, melissa gave each of us in 311a "street names." that means she calls brittany "butters," victoria "beckster," and me "j-jo." sometimes brittany is also "bunnie." this creates a strange kind of name separation in my mind and every time i try to address one of my roommates i'm not quite sure what's going to come out. the most common mistake is that i call melissa "melanie" - all the time. which doesn't exactly make her happy. so i've resorted to trying to only call her "mel," which should solve the problem.
in mel's words, victoria is almost as earthy as i am. victoria is a vegetarian foodie, a vocabulary einstein, and {like me} reads social science literature for pleasure. eating mangoes is one of her favorite things to do in the entire world. she has an incredible {and incredibly unique} sense of humor. her favorite color is purple, and she's a night-owl. she brought me breakfast this morning while i was in bed and not feeling well: peppermint tea, two buttermilk scones with honey, and apple slices. yes, i loved it and her.
brittany, or butters {i still haven't found a happy medium of exactly what to call her}, is sweet. we met in family finance last semester before either of us knew we were both going to seattle with the flourishing families project, and we both very much wanted to be friends. little did we know, we'd end up living together for the summer. she has long reddish brown hair that makes me miss long hair quite a bit. she's calm and fun-loving and is one of the best talk-to people i've ever met. mostly, she's a great support. and she's learning to play victoria's guitar.
mel completes our ensemble. if i had to describe her in one word, it would be intense..or maybe crazy... or extreme... or... okay, really i wouldn't describe her in one word at all. she runs marathons, kick boxes, and is very tan. she's exuberant and social {a california girl through and through}, and she loves a good party. she has a curious mind and learns from the people around her - a talent, in my opinion. she's obsessed with costco tortillas, and doesn't call anyone by their real name. if she had her way, the apartment wouldn't have any doors - not even on the bathrooms.
it's been a different experience living with people i don't know. there isn't nearly as much privacy as i'm used to, and communicated boundaries has been an experience. mostly, we've already had loads of silly fun. and really, with this crazy job, i'm quite happy i'm living with a support group who knows the ups and downs of a research position. we're kind of an odd group, but really... life's more fun that way, anyway!
Friday, April 22
everything leaves.
i'm thankful for a washer and dryer in my apartment tonight so i don't have to be waiting at a laundry facility in provo, utah in the middle of the night. it's really late, and my eyes are feeling scratchy.
leaving is a funny thing. i've been thinking so much about it lately. . . leaving is good: it means growth. leaving is tedious because i hate to pack. leaving is exhilarating because adventure is out there! {pilot goggles and all.}
leaving is difficult - i don't want to let go, yet.
big changes are always a little tough to stomach for me, but this semester is a new degree of distasteful. i've become more attached to here lately. the people are harder to leave. my roommates and i have all avoided packing this semester. we've loved living with one another so much. it's been peaceful, motivating, sometimes silly, and mostly just downright fun to live together. my family is always hard to leave behind, particularly my niece and nephews. they change so much between my monthly visits home. it's hard to imagine how much they'll change after four months of being away. and then there's the musician. my consolation in this case is that i'm not the only one leaving. while i'm having adventures in seattle, he'll be adventuring as well. japan is far away. seattle is far away. strangely, i find myself un-heart-broken. it'll be a challenge, but i know i'm in a much better place emotionally to handle this kind of challenge right now than. . .before.
i attended byu's graduation ceremony today. natalie {who finished in december} is graduating, and the musician is graduating. i couldn't help but think of the inconstancy of my life right now. always moving apartments, always changing my address. the people in my life coming and going so quickly that sometimes it's difficult to keep track of who came first. everyone leaves, lately. genni to home, ari to boston, the musician to japan, my family leaving home and leaving here back to home, sabrina to florida, me to seattle. close to eight thousand graduates left byu this graduation. the snow left provo, and soon i will, too.
i know i'm becoming repetitive. it's like a circular track in my mind, my thoughts going round and round and round. it's strange that it's not exactly bothering me. mostly i think it's because i'm not the only one leaving. . . or maybe more because i'm not being left. that was always the hardest.
there are a few things i have consciously decided to leave, however. after debating.
i'm leaving the bathroom scale. for me, this is actually a lot bigger deal than i thought it would be. there's been a good deal of hype lately about "throwing out the scale" and ripping off all size tags from clothing. i was never really attached to the scale. okay, that's a lie. i wasn't attached until last semester when for the first time there was a scale in my bathroom constantly. it brought out more obsessiveness than i liked. i've wanted to throw it away all semester, sometimes desperately. for a while it became an ugly enemy - always taunting me, reminding of things i didn't want to remember, things i struggled to accept, things i feared i couldn't rid myself of.
but i'm through with it.
i've decided that leaving is a good time to leave a few things behind in my life as well, leave out some bad habits. i've made such massive leaps of progress this semester when it comes to eating, health habits, self love, self confidence, courage, and trust. although i've told myself that it doesn't really bother me to have it there, i know it does because every time i walk by i'm tempted "just to see..."
so the scale stays - for good. in the trash, for that matter. i'm leaving the last bits of that ugly disorder behind.
i think sometimes, in order to leave things out of our lives that shouldn't be there we have to actually physically leave. an interesting concept - that physically leaving can aid emotional leaving so much.
and it makes me wonder what else i'm leaving that i don't realize yet.
or what i'm taking to seattle that i'll need to leave there when it's time for me to leave again.
and come home.
leaving is a funny thing. i've been thinking so much about it lately. . . leaving is good: it means growth. leaving is tedious because i hate to pack. leaving is exhilarating because adventure is out there! {pilot goggles and all.}
leaving is difficult - i don't want to let go, yet.
big changes are always a little tough to stomach for me, but this semester is a new degree of distasteful. i've become more attached to here lately. the people are harder to leave. my roommates and i have all avoided packing this semester. we've loved living with one another so much. it's been peaceful, motivating, sometimes silly, and mostly just downright fun to live together. my family is always hard to leave behind, particularly my niece and nephews. they change so much between my monthly visits home. it's hard to imagine how much they'll change after four months of being away. and then there's the musician. my consolation in this case is that i'm not the only one leaving. while i'm having adventures in seattle, he'll be adventuring as well. japan is far away. seattle is far away. strangely, i find myself un-heart-broken. it'll be a challenge, but i know i'm in a much better place emotionally to handle this kind of challenge right now than. . .before.
i attended byu's graduation ceremony today. natalie {who finished in december} is graduating, and the musician is graduating. i couldn't help but think of the inconstancy of my life right now. always moving apartments, always changing my address. the people in my life coming and going so quickly that sometimes it's difficult to keep track of who came first. everyone leaves, lately. genni to home, ari to boston, the musician to japan, my family leaving home and leaving here back to home, sabrina to florida, me to seattle. close to eight thousand graduates left byu this graduation. the snow left provo, and soon i will, too.
i know i'm becoming repetitive. it's like a circular track in my mind, my thoughts going round and round and round. it's strange that it's not exactly bothering me. mostly i think it's because i'm not the only one leaving. . . or maybe more because i'm not being left. that was always the hardest.
there are a few things i have consciously decided to leave, however. after debating.
i'm leaving the bathroom scale. for me, this is actually a lot bigger deal than i thought it would be. there's been a good deal of hype lately about "throwing out the scale" and ripping off all size tags from clothing. i was never really attached to the scale. okay, that's a lie. i wasn't attached until last semester when for the first time there was a scale in my bathroom constantly. it brought out more obsessiveness than i liked. i've wanted to throw it away all semester, sometimes desperately. for a while it became an ugly enemy - always taunting me, reminding of things i didn't want to remember, things i struggled to accept, things i feared i couldn't rid myself of.
but i'm through with it.
i've decided that leaving is a good time to leave a few things behind in my life as well, leave out some bad habits. i've made such massive leaps of progress this semester when it comes to eating, health habits, self love, self confidence, courage, and trust. although i've told myself that it doesn't really bother me to have it there, i know it does because every time i walk by i'm tempted "just to see..."
so the scale stays - for good. in the trash, for that matter. i'm leaving the last bits of that ugly disorder behind.
i think sometimes, in order to leave things out of our lives that shouldn't be there we have to actually physically leave. an interesting concept - that physically leaving can aid emotional leaving so much.
and it makes me wonder what else i'm leaving that i don't realize yet.
or what i'm taking to seattle that i'll need to leave there when it's time for me to leave again.
and come home.
Friday, April 15
music
hours past midnight, and i really ought to be sleeping. i have a drive in front of me in the morning - quick trip home and i'm already on my way back up to happy valley - and if i'm going to stay awake on the freeway, i need some sleep. why am i awake, you ask? well, it's because of music.
see, one of the more valuable things i lost when my little green laptop decided to die was my entire {and extremely cherished} music collection. i say collection because it truly was that. i had music on my ipod from early high school {mae, all-american rejects, relient k}. i had music from every good friend who agreed to a music exchange party for years back, things like taylor the latte boy and pink martini. i had a unique section from most of my lovers through my dating years - some really bizarre, some i listened to regularly. artists as random as cartel, sea bear, and the byu men's choir. the disney song kiss the girl from the little mermaid, the intro song from mission impossible II that my mom loves to dance to, a massive chunk of sabrina's music that she was generous enough to share with me {sufjan stevens, lady gaga, the shins}.
i had never listened to quite a bit of it. a large portion of the never-listened-to section was given to me by a boy with language that wasn't quite up to par. this part i'm happy to be rid of. it sat there going stale because i didn't want to sort through it to find what was actually good and what was sour.
. . . i'm getting sidetracked.
to get to the point, despite the fact that i hadn't even listened to all this music, and that ninety percent of it wasn't actually mine, it was absolutely a part of me. this itunes collection told a story. the story of my friends, the story of my difficulties, the story of my twitterpated fantasies, the story of my lovers, the story of my heartaches and successes. it told my story.
and it's gone.
is it really lame that this is the part of my old computer i miss the most? i had papers on there that took me hours and hours - sucked the life out of me for weeks. i had lists of everything important i'd accomplished in life and everything i wanted to someday check off. years worth of budgets, creative writing, pictures. . .etc. and yet, the part that seemed the most me was my music - because it told my story.
"this will be good for you!" chimes natalie. {as she's helping me sort through a package of music i'd given her a while back to restore to my possession.} "a new start! you don't ever have to be reminded of that one horrible relationship again when his music starts playing on your computer...because it won't be there!"
and i guess that's just it. i like memories. i like the good and the bad - knowing where it came from, where i came from. music is a big reminder for me - of all things good and bad.
a new start really is a good thing. i think it's coming at an opportune time, a time when i needed to have my memory hard-drive wiped clean, slightly...metaphorically. it scares me to let those things go, i think. i hold on to them tightly because they're mine to remember.
but the last while i've felt very. . . new-start-ish.
i remember specifically, february 13th, coming home at about 10:00 pm and telling genni, "it just feels like the start of something new. a new chapter. i don't know why yet, but something's different. i can feel it."
and then i think of all the things life's forced me {against my will, more often than not} to let things go the last while. it's been quite the load. things i've lost, things lost on me, people i'll never see again, things i'll never read, little mementos that triggered memories - all gone. and i think, maybe it's a good thing, this losing. some of those songs were the only tie left to certain memories. when i listened, i would remember things i otherwise wouldn't be able to recall at all.
and maybe it's a good thing those memories have been bound to my subconscious. i think it's a not-so-subtle hint that i need to move on.
because if i expect to give a new chapter in my life full attention, i need to let the old ones stay old. stay in the past.
and maybe the best way to do that was to wipe my hard-drive clean. it seems a little brutal to me still. but i guess drastic times call for drastic measures.
well. the drastic measures have been made, and i'm waiting to see signs of drastic times.
don't get me wrong. things are swell. yes, even abnormally or drastically swell! and i want that to keep going. but i'd also like to have a little foresight and understand why it was so important that i lose all that music and all those memories.
because really, i'm missing all the albums of jimmy eat world pretty tremendously right now.
but then. . .i think i've already found some more than decent substitutions. . .
here's to future music. . .and drastic times and drastic measures.
and also, natalie just suggested that sometime i write a comical version of this post outlining all the music i received from each boyfriend i had. man, that'd be a list, for sure!
and yes, comical is a good word.
but that's another day. :)
goodnight, music-lovers!
ps. my cat just ate a really big bug. ew... second thoughts about sleeping with her tonight... ew.
see, one of the more valuable things i lost when my little green laptop decided to die was my entire {and extremely cherished} music collection. i say collection because it truly was that. i had music on my ipod from early high school {mae, all-american rejects, relient k}. i had music from every good friend who agreed to a music exchange party for years back, things like taylor the latte boy and pink martini. i had a unique section from most of my lovers through my dating years - some really bizarre, some i listened to regularly. artists as random as cartel, sea bear, and the byu men's choir. the disney song kiss the girl from the little mermaid, the intro song from mission impossible II that my mom loves to dance to, a massive chunk of sabrina's music that she was generous enough to share with me {sufjan stevens, lady gaga, the shins}.
i had never listened to quite a bit of it. a large portion of the never-listened-to section was given to me by a boy with language that wasn't quite up to par. this part i'm happy to be rid of. it sat there going stale because i didn't want to sort through it to find what was actually good and what was sour.
. . . i'm getting sidetracked.
to get to the point, despite the fact that i hadn't even listened to all this music, and that ninety percent of it wasn't actually mine, it was absolutely a part of me. this itunes collection told a story. the story of my friends, the story of my difficulties, the story of my twitterpated fantasies, the story of my lovers, the story of my heartaches and successes. it told my story.
and it's gone.
is it really lame that this is the part of my old computer i miss the most? i had papers on there that took me hours and hours - sucked the life out of me for weeks. i had lists of everything important i'd accomplished in life and everything i wanted to someday check off. years worth of budgets, creative writing, pictures. . .etc. and yet, the part that seemed the most me was my music - because it told my story.
"this will be good for you!" chimes natalie. {as she's helping me sort through a package of music i'd given her a while back to restore to my possession.} "a new start! you don't ever have to be reminded of that one horrible relationship again when his music starts playing on your computer...because it won't be there!"
and i guess that's just it. i like memories. i like the good and the bad - knowing where it came from, where i came from. music is a big reminder for me - of all things good and bad.
a new start really is a good thing. i think it's coming at an opportune time, a time when i needed to have my memory hard-drive wiped clean, slightly...metaphorically. it scares me to let those things go, i think. i hold on to them tightly because they're mine to remember.
but the last while i've felt very. . . new-start-ish.
i remember specifically, february 13th, coming home at about 10:00 pm and telling genni, "it just feels like the start of something new. a new chapter. i don't know why yet, but something's different. i can feel it."
and then i think of all the things life's forced me {against my will, more often than not} to let things go the last while. it's been quite the load. things i've lost, things lost on me, people i'll never see again, things i'll never read, little mementos that triggered memories - all gone. and i think, maybe it's a good thing, this losing. some of those songs were the only tie left to certain memories. when i listened, i would remember things i otherwise wouldn't be able to recall at all.
and maybe it's a good thing those memories have been bound to my subconscious. i think it's a not-so-subtle hint that i need to move on.
because if i expect to give a new chapter in my life full attention, i need to let the old ones stay old. stay in the past.
and maybe the best way to do that was to wipe my hard-drive clean. it seems a little brutal to me still. but i guess drastic times call for drastic measures.
well. the drastic measures have been made, and i'm waiting to see signs of drastic times.
don't get me wrong. things are swell. yes, even abnormally or drastically swell! and i want that to keep going. but i'd also like to have a little foresight and understand why it was so important that i lose all that music and all those memories.
because really, i'm missing all the albums of jimmy eat world pretty tremendously right now.
but then. . .i think i've already found some more than decent substitutions. . .
here's to future music. . .and drastic times and drastic measures.
and also, natalie just suggested that sometime i write a comical version of this post outlining all the music i received from each boyfriend i had. man, that'd be a list, for sure!
and yes, comical is a good word.
but that's another day. :)
goodnight, music-lovers!
ps. my cat just ate a really big bug. ew... second thoughts about sleeping with her tonight... ew.
Wednesday, April 6
patterns.
the last few weeks i've been reminded that i'm not perfect - often. life isn't crashing down or anything, i haven't had some massive humbling experience that will make me an incredibly better person in the future. it's one of those on-going "this will make me a better person eventually" sorta things. i've been quiet about my health for a little while because there wans't much to talk about - everything was incredibly {and blissfully} stable. it was stable because my routine was stable - fairly, at least.
a few weeks ago, that stability was more than slightly overturned. . .gradually. can something be gradually overturned? maybe that's a really abstract metaphor. but it was. routine stability slowly turned into near chaotic living.
lately,
i don't do as much homework as i used to.
my sleep schedule has been the opposite of what i want it to be - meaning i've been going to bed early and waking up late, going to bed late and waking up early, and going to bed really late and waking up really really late.
running and yoga have been sporadic, at best.
food. . .oh, food. . .
my diet's been something like 70% pure sugar, 20% processed carbohydrates, and 10% actual digestable food.
i've been told that my room is a pretty reliable measure of my inner-state. if life is stable, my room is impressively clean and organized - and it stays that way for weeks at a time. however, my stress level, defined as the amount of change present and anticipated {thank you, family adaptation and resiliency for teaching me that life stress doesn't have to make me stressed} is directly correlated to the messiness of my room. it's a positive line - and yes, it's usually exponential.
something like....
this.
so, that's a long explanation for one little sentence: i think my room is messier than it's ever been.
now, let me clarify slightly. i'm not super stressed out - see, there's a big difference.
stress = the amount of change a person is undergoing.
stress =/ how stressed out i feel.
moving across the country + end of the semester + anticipating leaving things here i'm really attached to = a whole lot stress!
so, to get to what i wanted:
i haven't been doing as well as i'd like. all this changing and anticipating the massive changes that are coming up soon has had me a little nervous. this week it's caught up to me. my neck has hurt more than usual - little remnants of fibromyalgia pain. my clothes are all a little tighter than is mentally comfortable because my eating habits have been so off. old vices tend to surface most during times of change. i know this, so all this isn't completely unexpected. and i've learned to manage it better - a week {or in this case, a few} of really off eating and a few extra pounds don't have me being intensely restrictive. in fact, after recognizing how crazy my eating habits have been my reaction was very carefully intentional: keep three balanced meals a day, try to cut back on the sugar so i feel better. it's difficult because it's still not my default. but i'm learning, and i am incredibly impressed with myself for taking time to learn, instead of being reactive and restrictive.
anyone who's had a recovery processes of their own is aware of the monumentalness of what i'm doing. recognizing patterns enough to stop the cycle is a massive part of pulling out of any addictive practice. this is one really big "test" i've noticed since starting to mentally beat anorexia out of my life. i'm glad i was able to recognize a pattern, and i'm glad that i've learned to react the way i now can. it's been a process, but looking back i'm impressed with how much i've learned - even just this semester. now, even though my room is still a disaster area, my health habits can all jump back on track instead of swinging to a different extreme.
overall, i'm a much more stable person than i was four months ago, or a year ago, or four years ago. and it's good to reflect on that kind of monumental progress - especially when the going gets tough!
another reason i'm proud of myself today: i went to sleep at 10:00 pm last night, and i pulled myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning. before my class started at 10, i'd written a paper, ran, made myself breakfast, eaten breakfast, and gotten completely ready for the day {aka, no ponytail}. now. . .THAT is major progress, don't you think??
and we'll just disregard the fact that i only went to one class today because of how freezing cold i was. :)
speaking of, i'm off to find some really warm socks!
and make a crazy effort to deep clean my room. :)
Monday, April 4
be still, my soul.
this morning, i peeked through my blinds and found my world covered in six inches of powdery, clumpy snow. the kind that weighs the trees down until the blossoming branches touch the side walk and streets. despite my restlessness for spring, it was magical all over again - absolute proof i'm becoming more accustomed to provo winters than i ever thought possible. walking at the south end of campus, i noticed the ducks seemed a little more than annoyed at the sudden cold spell than usual, and i smiled. i dealt with the snow today better than the ducks did, i think.
this weekend is a highlight for me {of the semester entirely}. general conference is one of my favorite holidays. okay, not actually a holiday, but it felt like one this time around. having two full days to soak as much spiritual strength as i can from my leaders is a privilege i treasure. especially now, as i have changes springing at me from all sides, it was more than encouraging. it was restful. rest that i dearly needed {although i hadn't realized it before now}.
i feel rejuvenated. like i have the tools i need to move forward.
there are a few things that have been worrying me lately. the future {immediate and far} is on my mind more than usual, lately. as a woman, i have a strong desire to have a family - someday. i want that family to be my first priority. however, as my bachelor's degree nears it's end {thankfully}, i have a large decision to make. to have a master's, or not to have a master's? i've been the pendulum in that clock for quite some time. i know i could thrive in that situation, that i could love that education and the career it led to with all of myself. but i worry it would distract me from what i really want in this life: to have a family of my own. i know the temptation would grow to replace that with other things. it would become easier to be more self-centered, easier to be only self-reliant, easier to be too. . .independent.
maybe it's a silly worry - i know plenty of women who have gone beyond master's degrees, with and without families who are living their lives in line with principles i value. but then again, i know my weaknesses - some of them. and i worry about putting myself in that situation.
this weekend, i glimpsed a little rest from that worry and those decisions. while hearing inspired messages, i received my own little peace. the thought that i would know what to do. that i can pray and go to the house of the Lord to guide my decisions, peacefully.
i still don't know what to do. i'm not sure exactly the things i should definitely pursue {as more options present themselves}. but i know i'll be guided by my Heavenly Father to the course He would have me walk on. i felt sure {through this weekend} that being in seattle over the summer will be difficult, that it will be more of a test than i've even anticipated, in more ways than i've dreamed about. but i know now that it is what i am to do. i know it's an experience meant to refine me, meant to make me stronger and help guide my future - as uncertain as it seems right now.
i know my Savior loves me and will be there to support me as i face things i'm still afraid of right now. i know He can help me turn that fear into faith - for the two cannot exist in the same space, like light and darkness.
i also know i need to sleep if i'm going to wake up to run in the morning {and yes, that's a need}.
i sat down to write about something almost completely unrelated to all. . .this. but apparently my subconscious had other plans.
tomorrow, i won't be quite as deep! :)
goodnight, world. here's to waking up to spring again!
Monday, March 28
wherein i purchase something of value.
the week i went without a computer changed a few things. one of the more significant alterations was the way i keep track of life. see, on my computer, i had something like twelve to twenty lists {current lists}. it's how i kept track of homework, goals, and birthdays. it's my system of housework, keeps me on track - where i need to be when i need to be there. i do make physical lists, too. my sticky-note obsession otherwise would cease to thrive. the perpetual problem with these is that they almost always end up lost. hopelessly so. lost in my purse, my backpack, in a pile of binders and textbooks, on the kitchen table, in the kitchen trash bin. when i lost my computer, i lost all my lists - the important ones that told me what i actually needed to be accomplishing in life. the result was an almost absolute lack of homework {which was wonderful for about a week}. nothing needed to be done, because there weren't any lists to tell me what to do.
i haven't been able to recreate the planner i kept for myself on the last computer. it just seemed too much of a hassle - and something that wasn't necessary seeing as i didn't have anything that needed to be done anyway. my lack of planner led to unfinished homework, which led to panic mode, which led to a purchase that i am sure proves my existence as a nerd. yes, i bought a planner, but not just any planner.
as i walked into the byu bookstore saturday afternoon, i was on a mission to find the perfect planner. something flexible: i'm an artist by nature, a doodler, and that requires an extreme amount of freedom in my planning. yes, i'm a bit of an oxymoron. i needed something that didn't proclaim procrastination. i did not want to open up this little bit every hour to see the months of january, february, and march completely empty. i might have a bad habit, but that would just be too revealing. i wanted space. none of this "one inch square box" for every day. no, no. i demand space to breathe, to write, to doodle, and to make lists to my heart's content.
it turns out the only planner in the entire three level overly-priced facility that vaguely fit these criteria was the r.m. planner.
i was on a mission, but not that kind of mission. i carried it around for a full half hour before convincing myself that my dire need out-weighed the level of nerdness i would reach by making the purchase. i justified in every way putting it back. but my obsessive-list-making self won the battle. i bought the planner.
i thought i could cover my tracks by placing a large very cool sticker on the front. cover up the too-large bold-face letters spelling out that i am a returned missionary who simply can't return to normal life without my pocket book planner. but i was wrong.
saturday night, the musician {who deserves his own post in which i will fully explain the not-quite-fitting title} told me plainly i couldn't disguise that little book with just a band sticker. at byu, things like that are just too well-known. i laughed.
"wanna bet? one big ingrid michaelson sticker will do the trick!"
but i was wrong. oh so absolutely wrong.
this morning in family finance, i sat next to my current internship partner. as i looked over tomorrow's activities, she reached over and exclaimed {not quietly}, "i know that planner!!"
yes, yes, i am a nerd. the twenty-one-year-old who has not served a mission carrying around a returned missionary planner - complete with sections for specific goal setting. i'm still going to find stickers. cool ones. and until then, i'll keep the front page folded back for those who are slightly out of practice when it comes to detecting that unmistakable thick spiral binding.
my consolation: it made the musician laugh. and i dearly love to hear people laugh.
i haven't been able to recreate the planner i kept for myself on the last computer. it just seemed too much of a hassle - and something that wasn't necessary seeing as i didn't have anything that needed to be done anyway. my lack of planner led to unfinished homework, which led to panic mode, which led to a purchase that i am sure proves my existence as a nerd. yes, i bought a planner, but not just any planner.
as i walked into the byu bookstore saturday afternoon, i was on a mission to find the perfect planner. something flexible: i'm an artist by nature, a doodler, and that requires an extreme amount of freedom in my planning. yes, i'm a bit of an oxymoron. i needed something that didn't proclaim procrastination. i did not want to open up this little bit every hour to see the months of january, february, and march completely empty. i might have a bad habit, but that would just be too revealing. i wanted space. none of this "one inch square box" for every day. no, no. i demand space to breathe, to write, to doodle, and to make lists to my heart's content.
it turns out the only planner in the entire three level overly-priced facility that vaguely fit these criteria was the r.m. planner.
i was on a mission, but not that kind of mission. i carried it around for a full half hour before convincing myself that my dire need out-weighed the level of nerdness i would reach by making the purchase. i justified in every way putting it back. but my obsessive-list-making self won the battle. i bought the planner.
i thought i could cover my tracks by placing a large very cool sticker on the front. cover up the too-large bold-face letters spelling out that i am a returned missionary who simply can't return to normal life without my pocket book planner. but i was wrong.
saturday night, the musician {who deserves his own post in which i will fully explain the not-quite-fitting title} told me plainly i couldn't disguise that little book with just a band sticker. at byu, things like that are just too well-known. i laughed.
"wanna bet? one big ingrid michaelson sticker will do the trick!"
but i was wrong. oh so absolutely wrong.
this morning in family finance, i sat next to my current internship partner. as i looked over tomorrow's activities, she reached over and exclaimed {not quietly}, "i know that planner!!"
yes, yes, i am a nerd. the twenty-one-year-old who has not served a mission carrying around a returned missionary planner - complete with sections for specific goal setting. i'm still going to find stickers. cool ones. and until then, i'll keep the front page folded back for those who are slightly out of practice when it comes to detecting that unmistakable thick spiral binding.
my consolation: it made the musician laugh. and i dearly love to hear people laugh.
Monday, March 7
i'm baaaaack!
that's right. i'm back up, back online, back to blogging! {not to mention doing homework...something that didn't get quite as finished without the convenience of a computer.}
here's the story {of my unexpected absence}:
one morning, i woke up late. not unusual; this semester i've been waking up late almost every day i have class. i hope to end this habit when the weather decides to let the sun shine in the morning. scrambling for time, i turned on my computer to type up a paper quickly before i ran to class with no make-up on. *note: this is how you know you have senioritis - when you're writing {not just printing} your papers a half hour before class starts. yeah.... i digress.
so, i wrote the paper, hit the print button, crammed it in my backpack, shut my beautiful green laptop, and ran to school. yes, i was over five minutes late.
fast-forward five hours. i came home from class looking slightly disheveled because of my lack of umbrella in the rain, but i did not have mascara running down my cheeks because i never put it on that morning. i went to room, opened my beautiful green {did i mention cooperative?} laptop to look up a few blogs, check my facebook. . . waste time. after wasting a significant amount, i dragged my feet into the kitchen for lunch. dragged. you see, i'd been back from st. george for a week and still hadn't managed to get myself to the grocery store to buy produce. and... a lack of produce = no motivation to cook.
i opened my cupboard.
i opened the fridge.
...and then i heard a strange sound coming from my bedroom. something was clicking. something was beeping in a really strange sort of way.
i went to investigate found a dead computer. beeping, clicking, and a black screen. i couldn't wake it up. after a few minutes, it died altogether. restarting it only aggravated the condition because it kept exclaiming {in capital letters} that it COULD NOT FIND THE INTERNAL DRIVE. bad sign.
byu's computer repair center tells me the hard drive is fried - no chance of ever seeing those files again. luckily, i have brothers-in-law in high computer places who assure me i can at least get something off. i pray i can. really hard.
but for the time being i have a new little laptop. one that is not green, is short, and enjoys undoing all the customizations i give it. that's right, this little brat is a dishonest computer.
i'm determined to tame it? and give it a name.
once i stop being bitter about my dead baby laptop...the beautiful green one.
this new computer is insisting a few changes as well. i can't stand the way my blog looks on the screen. this screen is like....extra extra EXTRA stretch. vertically, it looks like they were trying to save money, and horizontally, i think the designer thought he was assembling a wide screen television. so, i think my blog looks really strange only taking up less than half the screen... so. time to redo that. again.
i'm also going to be using grooveshark.com a heck of a lot more. me without music is just a bad idea. and at the moment, this unnamed silver object is musicless.
but. for now, i need to stop trying to make it listen to my customizing suggestions and find something to eat. because my neck hurts tremendously from looking down and craning my neck forward to see the minuscule text. why? why make such a massively long screen and fill it with text {i swear} a font size 6? why? unless every dell designer in the universe has eye sight like superman. in which case, they should go back home.
and now... dinner.
here's the story {of my unexpected absence}:
one morning, i woke up late. not unusual; this semester i've been waking up late almost every day i have class. i hope to end this habit when the weather decides to let the sun shine in the morning. scrambling for time, i turned on my computer to type up a paper quickly before i ran to class with no make-up on. *note: this is how you know you have senioritis - when you're writing {not just printing} your papers a half hour before class starts. yeah.... i digress.
so, i wrote the paper, hit the print button, crammed it in my backpack, shut my beautiful green laptop, and ran to school. yes, i was over five minutes late.
fast-forward five hours. i came home from class looking slightly disheveled because of my lack of umbrella in the rain, but i did not have mascara running down my cheeks because i never put it on that morning. i went to room, opened my beautiful green {did i mention cooperative?} laptop to look up a few blogs, check my facebook. . . waste time. after wasting a significant amount, i dragged my feet into the kitchen for lunch. dragged. you see, i'd been back from st. george for a week and still hadn't managed to get myself to the grocery store to buy produce. and... a lack of produce = no motivation to cook.
i opened my cupboard.
i opened the fridge.
...and then i heard a strange sound coming from my bedroom. something was clicking. something was beeping in a really strange sort of way.
i went to investigate found a dead computer. beeping, clicking, and a black screen. i couldn't wake it up. after a few minutes, it died altogether. restarting it only aggravated the condition because it kept exclaiming {in capital letters} that it COULD NOT FIND THE INTERNAL DRIVE. bad sign.
byu's computer repair center tells me the hard drive is fried - no chance of ever seeing those files again. luckily, i have brothers-in-law in high computer places who assure me i can at least get something off. i pray i can. really hard.
but for the time being i have a new little laptop. one that is not green, is short, and enjoys undoing all the customizations i give it. that's right, this little brat is a dishonest computer.
i'm determined to tame it? and give it a name.
once i stop being bitter about my dead baby laptop...the beautiful green one.
this new computer is insisting a few changes as well. i can't stand the way my blog looks on the screen. this screen is like....extra extra EXTRA stretch. vertically, it looks like they were trying to save money, and horizontally, i think the designer thought he was assembling a wide screen television. so, i think my blog looks really strange only taking up less than half the screen... so. time to redo that. again.
i'm also going to be using grooveshark.com a heck of a lot more. me without music is just a bad idea. and at the moment, this unnamed silver object is musicless.
but. for now, i need to stop trying to make it listen to my customizing suggestions and find something to eat. because my neck hurts tremendously from looking down and craning my neck forward to see the minuscule text. why? why make such a massively long screen and fill it with text {i swear} a font size 6? why? unless every dell designer in the universe has eye sight like superman. in which case, they should go back home.
and now... dinner.
Saturday, February 5
the un-outfit post #1
day four.
task: post a picture of your favorite outfit.
well, to be honest, i don't have a favorite outfit. i have a lot of them! my dad has always calls me punky brewster, and i love that he does! for me, a really really good outfit day is one that i don't think i could pile on more patterns or colors if i tried. no worries, i usually don't look like a fool when i leave my apartment.
BUT! no picture of that today! i don't love outfit posts.... i don't know, it seems a little too much like.. "look at me and my CUTE clothes!" i'll post one throughout this challenge, maybe, so my children can appreciate that i looked crazy even when i was their age.
something a little more exciting than an outfit happened today... i got a haircut! eeeek!
usually, the following happens:
stage 1: i hate my hair and schedule a hair appointment.
stage 2: i decide i really like my hair, consider canceling my appointment and am convinced by others to keep it - for my sanity and theirs.
stage 3: i consider a kazillion different hair styles, from pixie cuts to different colors.
stage 4: nervously, i go to my appointment.
stage 5: i come out hating life intensely. i consider suing the stylist, shaving my head, and posting hate notes about the salon all over town.
stage 6: my roommates, friends and family avoid me for two weeks until i blow the steam off and decide it'll grow out.
but THIS time...
this time is different. everything panned out as usual until i entered the salon. i sat in a massage chair while they washed my hair, the stylist listened to me and took time on my hair - not rushed a bit! and i walked out loving my hair more than i have in over a year... or maybe over two years. for the first time in a long time, i feel very... me. very very me.
it's really good to have me-hair back.
so.
this is it! i tried to post a video... but it wasn't working. and i don't know why. soooo i'll get that figured out sometime soon and post it then.
fun, yeah?? :)
Sunday, January 30
loveme.
january and i have been in the middle of a love-hate relationship this year. i love the blue skies, he drops snow on me. i hate the cold, and it warms up. i make incredible resolutions to start the new year off. . . and with the first month they go the way of the world {which is away}.
i feel like january shouldn't really be a part of the year. see, everyone makes all these great resolutions and plans to change, do things a little differently, be a little better. but come the end of january and most of us are on the same old track.
for that reason, i now decree january a test month - not a real one.
for the rest of my life, i intend to make my new year's resolutions at the end of january. that way, i've had time to try out a few different things. i've had time to try to change things, i know what works and what doesn't, and i won't be horribly frustrated by the end of the first month of the new year when nothing has changed.
a test month. i'll try a different strategy every week or so. then, come february, i'll have a plan - a concrete plan. i'll know exactly what i want to change and how i want to change it. . .at least, that's the hope.
luckily, this is a perfect year to start this strategy. it's almost the end of january and quite a few of my resolutions from the previous year have failed - miserably. okay, let's be a little more optimistic! not failed miserably. . . just not quite accomplished the over-arching goal, which is actually what i'd like to talk about.
so: new year's resolution {post test-month}:
{this is a big one}.
i've come up with a theme for this year: loveme.
loving myself has been a challenge since i can remember, and to be honest i'm terrified to tackle it. this encompasses a lot. from demanding much too much of myself, placing extreme restrictions on myself, placing no restrictions on myself, mental guilt-tripping. . . it's been a long road of self-abuse. but it's time to put a stop to it. this goal will change the dynamics of the blog quite a bit, i expect. i'll be blogging about things like eating disorders, mental attitude, general health, nutrition, having a relationship with Christ, social relationships, expectations, attitudes about men and women, social competition and comparison, and more as they surface. this is a year-long project. but by then end, i expect to have a better opinion of myself, to learn to truly take care of myself, to be happy to be me. in short, this year will be a turning point - one that will shape my future drastically. by the end, i hope to believe there's nothing i can't do.
project loveme will have quite a few different components and stages. i still haven't worked out a fool-proof plan, but there'll be more to follow on that later. i am determined to do a few things right off the bat. i've been wanting to write about these issues for a long time, but it was just never the right time. but i've realized that i can't keep waiting for the right time, i just have to start now, where i am. so i'm actually going to write about these things - address my real life issues and how i'm overcoming them. i'm going to post more pictures of myself. selfish? i thought that at first, too. but not anymore. i want this to be a record of me, of my life, and pictures are a way to do that, while also helping with my own self-image.
the first step:
i wanted something that would really get me writing about all this, more than once a month. so, to start off, i'll be trying out a blog challenge called project 31. it's all about women, real beauty, and being unique. i'll start that on february 1. {and yes, i know that february doesn't have 31 days, but i missed january!}
after that i'm not sure where i'll head. my hope is that it will help me be more comfortable writing about all this - all this stuff that's much more me.
so.
let project loveme begin!
i feel like january shouldn't really be a part of the year. see, everyone makes all these great resolutions and plans to change, do things a little differently, be a little better. but come the end of january and most of us are on the same old track.
for that reason, i now decree january a test month - not a real one.
for the rest of my life, i intend to make my new year's resolutions at the end of january. that way, i've had time to try out a few different things. i've had time to try to change things, i know what works and what doesn't, and i won't be horribly frustrated by the end of the first month of the new year when nothing has changed.
a test month. i'll try a different strategy every week or so. then, come february, i'll have a plan - a concrete plan. i'll know exactly what i want to change and how i want to change it. . .at least, that's the hope.
luckily, this is a perfect year to start this strategy. it's almost the end of january and quite a few of my resolutions from the previous year have failed - miserably. okay, let's be a little more optimistic! not failed miserably. . . just not quite accomplished the over-arching goal, which is actually what i'd like to talk about.
so: new year's resolution {post test-month}:
{this is a big one}.
i've come up with a theme for this year: loveme.
loving myself has been a challenge since i can remember, and to be honest i'm terrified to tackle it. this encompasses a lot. from demanding much too much of myself, placing extreme restrictions on myself, placing no restrictions on myself, mental guilt-tripping. . . it's been a long road of self-abuse. but it's time to put a stop to it. this goal will change the dynamics of the blog quite a bit, i expect. i'll be blogging about things like eating disorders, mental attitude, general health, nutrition, having a relationship with Christ, social relationships, expectations, attitudes about men and women, social competition and comparison, and more as they surface. this is a year-long project. but by then end, i expect to have a better opinion of myself, to learn to truly take care of myself, to be happy to be me. in short, this year will be a turning point - one that will shape my future drastically. by the end, i hope to believe there's nothing i can't do.
project loveme will have quite a few different components and stages. i still haven't worked out a fool-proof plan, but there'll be more to follow on that later. i am determined to do a few things right off the bat. i've been wanting to write about these issues for a long time, but it was just never the right time. but i've realized that i can't keep waiting for the right time, i just have to start now, where i am. so i'm actually going to write about these things - address my real life issues and how i'm overcoming them. i'm going to post more pictures of myself. selfish? i thought that at first, too. but not anymore. i want this to be a record of me, of my life, and pictures are a way to do that, while also helping with my own self-image.
the first step:
i wanted something that would really get me writing about all this, more than once a month. so, to start off, i'll be trying out a blog challenge called project 31. it's all about women, real beauty, and being unique. i'll start that on february 1. {and yes, i know that february doesn't have 31 days, but i missed january!}
after that i'm not sure where i'll head. my hope is that it will help me be more comfortable writing about all this - all this stuff that's much more me.
so.
let project loveme begin!
Wednesday, January 19
i'm not a bad blogger... just a really good liver.
i've done yoga everyday for the past two weeks {except sunday}.
i ran yesterday for fourty-five minutes - at night {an accomplishment this semester}.
i've eaten three meals a day for the last four consecutive days.
today is the first day i haven't finished all my due homework this semester.
january is practically three-fourths of the way over and my nights of almost-eight hours of sleep are already more than last semester.
i go to family home evening.
and drink lemon-cayenne warm water in the mornings.
i've giant journaled twice this month,
and drawn three cartoons.
i've only been late to class once - by fifteen seconds.
my books are now color-categorized.
and the pictures on the wall are rearranged - not to mention the kitchen cupboards!
but lately, i just don't write quite as much.
i'll write more -
when i feel like it.
my favorite thing about this week is weather so warm the snow's melting! well, yesterday and the day before. today will give us new snow. . .which is better than old snow, anyway!
i ran yesterday for fourty-five minutes - at night {an accomplishment this semester}.
i've eaten three meals a day for the last four consecutive days.
today is the first day i haven't finished all my due homework this semester.
january is practically three-fourths of the way over and my nights of almost-eight hours of sleep are already more than last semester.
i go to family home evening.
and drink lemon-cayenne warm water in the mornings.
i've giant journaled twice this month,
and drawn three cartoons.
i've only been late to class once - by fifteen seconds.
my books are now color-categorized.
and the pictures on the wall are rearranged - not to mention the kitchen cupboards!
but lately, i just don't write quite as much.
i'll write more -
when i feel like it.
my favorite thing about this week is weather so warm the snow's melting! well, yesterday and the day before. today will give us new snow. . .which is better than old snow, anyway!
Wednesday, January 5
merry christmas, happy new year, and hit january's ground running
happy new year!!!
okay, i know i'm a little late. i could say merry christmas as well because i missed that one first. i took a little extended vacation during the holidays. a break from. . .well, everything. everything, that is, except a lot of wonderful and needed relaxation!
i want to jump right into the new year, new semester, new goals, and all that stuff. but first, here's a brief review of the holidays from my perspective:
- hours of tamale-making while watching beezus and ramona three times (love it!)
- started sense and sensibility and still can't put it down. darn that willoughby - he gets me every time in the movie, too!
- was renamed nanny by my almost-two-year-old nephew. i'm still not sure how i feel about this. however, i'm comforted by the fact that he actually said my name first, and that his calling everyone nanny originated by him missing the collective: "nanny and jessi."
- was second place in ticket to ride! an accomplishment in my family, i assure you
- played carcasone into the hours of the night with hailey and natalie
- ate waaaaaay too much sugar (no worries, i'm repentant now)
- sang in the family christmas eve program
- made avocado tomitillo salsa for that evening's dinner
- saw the movie tangled twice. man, if the holiday media has a highlight for me, it's this one. i laaooooove it. i want to watch it again and again! i'm listening to the soundtrack daily, and still cracking up at the funny parts. new ideal man: eugene fitzherbert. i've gotta find me one of those, someday. more on this obsession to follow, that's really what it is!
- and caught a cold. a cold that is ALMOST GONE! i'm elated. but knocking on wood and praying at intervals.
overall, i had quite the needed dose of family love this holiday season. it was fabulous. fantastic. restful. and i didn't want to leave.
but life goes on!
and really, i love january. a lot, actually. new beginnings are addicting for me - i think it gives me some sort of strange adrenaline rush. . .
you already know my obsession with little goals, and in january i get to make big ones!
so. new year. new me. some changes to come, so be watching!
happy january!
and... a few photos from over the break:
hailey's christmas toes
my wonderful nephew ashton and me - playing chess with him is always a highlight of home!
my family's wonderful christmas tree. best. tree. ever.
Saturday, November 6
birthday!! and a shocking surprise.
yes, that's right. this week {thursday} was my twenty-first birthday. because the last year has sincerely taken me for a whirl, i'll be updating soon. new profile. new layout. new life lists. new goals {i do this by birthday more than by year...i think it makes them more personal}. new pictures. new-ish me. . . . but not really more grown-up. i've officially decided i don't believe in growing up. not that i'm throwing responsibility to the wind and joining the peter pan generations, here. i'm just not growing up in the usual sense.. i'm growing up in the literal sense.
thanks mostly to the saintly natalie, my birthday celebration was an absolutely fabulous blast. she made me breakfast, bought me a package of guilty pleasure veggie corndogs, planned, organized, decorated, and more. a little group of close friends {natalie, sabrina, beth, genni, and me} went to dinner at happy sumo - YUM sushi. so so great. later that night, we played spit for hours, watched emperor's new groove, ate mountains of cupcakes, threw over a hundred yellow balloons around, played some kazoo, attempted an unsuccessful learning session of killer bunnies, and generally had a ball. my birthday had really been kicked off the night before {starts at midnight!} with a thrilling, ear-splitting round of happy birthday by the general living room crowd.
mostly, i felt loved - which is what a birthday is all about.
sadly, the decorations came down yesterday in preparation for our vigorous cleaning checks {PASS}.
and now for my news...
this coming summer, i will not be blogging from little happy valley. i won't be blogging from home-sweet-home-ivins, either. i'll be blogging from seattle!
shocked?
i was, too.
remember that internship i applied for? well, there are two branches: one in provo, one in seattle, washington. i applied for the provo branch. logically, i'd be close to home, wouldn't have to drive my car all over a huge city...it just made sense. but guess what? they offered me a spot in seattle. and guess what? i took it! i'm nervous, anxious, eager, excited, scared, anticipatory, still shocked, horribly sad to be leaving my family for a solid four months, fabulously thrilled by the thought of such a huge adventure, and feeling so many different and contradictory things i don't know how to react. except for excited. i am that. also nervous. i know i'm that, too.
did i say nervous?
satisfactorily, i can now say to my dear little future: i found you!
adventure, here i come!
i feel a little like buzz lightyear. see, for me, seattle is practically infinity. i can't even imagine what beyond would look like!
thanks mostly to the saintly natalie, my birthday celebration was an absolutely fabulous blast. she made me breakfast, bought me a package of guilty pleasure veggie corndogs, planned, organized, decorated, and more. a little group of close friends {natalie, sabrina, beth, genni, and me} went to dinner at happy sumo - YUM sushi. so so great. later that night, we played spit for hours, watched emperor's new groove, ate mountains of cupcakes, threw over a hundred yellow balloons around, played some kazoo, attempted an unsuccessful learning session of killer bunnies, and generally had a ball. my birthday had really been kicked off the night before {starts at midnight!} with a thrilling, ear-splitting round of happy birthday by the general living room crowd.
mostly, i felt loved - which is what a birthday is all about.
sadly, the decorations came down yesterday in preparation for our vigorous cleaning checks {PASS}.
and now for my news...
this coming summer, i will not be blogging from little happy valley. i won't be blogging from home-sweet-home-ivins, either. i'll be blogging from seattle!
shocked?
i was, too.
remember that internship i applied for? well, there are two branches: one in provo, one in seattle, washington. i applied for the provo branch. logically, i'd be close to home, wouldn't have to drive my car all over a huge city...it just made sense. but guess what? they offered me a spot in seattle. and guess what? i took it! i'm nervous, anxious, eager, excited, scared, anticipatory, still shocked, horribly sad to be leaving my family for a solid four months, fabulously thrilled by the thought of such a huge adventure, and feeling so many different and contradictory things i don't know how to react. except for excited. i am that. also nervous. i know i'm that, too.
did i say nervous?
satisfactorily, i can now say to my dear little future: i found you!
adventure, here i come!
i feel a little like buzz lightyear. see, for me, seattle is practically infinity. i can't even imagine what beyond would look like!
Wednesday, October 27
to october:
lately, i love the yellow leaves crunching under my black shoes while i run on the provo streets, swishing and whirling on the pavement. the watercolor east mountains, staying transparent from dawn till late afternoon, give the days a surreal quality {as if in a fairytale}. confused clouds - all different shades of blue and grey, all different shapes and speeds floating - play around the mountain tips, concealing their heights, failing to hide the white sunlight, the sunlight the last days of october have still permitted power to leak through to rest on my eyelashes and cheeks.
lately, i wake up slowly because the mornings have turned blue. i peak out the blinds, anticipating the first morning i'll wake to white covering my windowsill, the stair-rails, the light-posts, the trees. the sun is tardy usually, these days. on the walk to class, this morning, natalie read aloud to me (essays by brian doyle); the moving text kept my mind off the frigid air. scarves. coats. mittens. socks and tights. frozen breath in air. red trees covered with spiderwebs of ice. these are the days i crave yoga in the early mornings, to wake up before the sun.
lately, midnight comes too soon. october is slipping away from beneath my toes, whisping and threading through my fingertips and out of grasp {like a handful of sugar}. it's real - very real. although each individual day isn't filled with specific memories lifetime lasting, the repetitive nature of waking and cracking the blinds to check for snow leaves a fingerprint in the storage center of my mind.
october has been a remembering month, granting nostalgic longing for lost people, lost places, lost emotions. the onset of winter tends to have that effect - a clinging, of sorts, while memories are buried under white drifts. checking for that burial is an anticipation, i guess. soon, the snow will cover more than the leaves. i've never felt quite so freed by the idea of winter as i do this year. there have been things i've neglected to bury, but the snow is coming; the first flurries danced in the valley today. and when snow buries autumn's dead, the earth can begin to heal, to restore, and once again to play.
and about the scrabble interview: i was called back for a second (which took place last friday). individual this time, luckily! the waiting shouldn't last long. the promise of the first of november clutches the back of my mind constantly. honest to goodness, i want this internship!
lately, i wake up slowly because the mornings have turned blue. i peak out the blinds, anticipating the first morning i'll wake to white covering my windowsill, the stair-rails, the light-posts, the trees. the sun is tardy usually, these days. on the walk to class, this morning, natalie read aloud to me (essays by brian doyle); the moving text kept my mind off the frigid air. scarves. coats. mittens. socks and tights. frozen breath in air. red trees covered with spiderwebs of ice. these are the days i crave yoga in the early mornings, to wake up before the sun.
lately, midnight comes too soon. october is slipping away from beneath my toes, whisping and threading through my fingertips and out of grasp {like a handful of sugar}. it's real - very real. although each individual day isn't filled with specific memories lifetime lasting, the repetitive nature of waking and cracking the blinds to check for snow leaves a fingerprint in the storage center of my mind.
october has been a remembering month, granting nostalgic longing for lost people, lost places, lost emotions. the onset of winter tends to have that effect - a clinging, of sorts, while memories are buried under white drifts. checking for that burial is an anticipation, i guess. soon, the snow will cover more than the leaves. i've never felt quite so freed by the idea of winter as i do this year. there have been things i've neglected to bury, but the snow is coming; the first flurries danced in the valley today. and when snow buries autumn's dead, the earth can begin to heal, to restore, and once again to play.
and about the scrabble interview: i was called back for a second (which took place last friday). individual this time, luckily! the waiting shouldn't last long. the promise of the first of november clutches the back of my mind constantly. honest to goodness, i want this internship!
Friday, October 1
goals, balance, and food
so once the first round of midterms hits (byu classes normally have two midterms), schedules get so crazy that there isn't much time to think about what you're going to eat for lunch tomorrow. this, for me, is a little tragic - i take a lot of joy in planning meals and even more in making meals that take me more than five to ten minutes. this week was the beginning of midterms, but the first round won't end for me for another two weeks or so. after that, i'll only have a few days until the cycle starts all over again.
so i've made a new little resolution. i'm going to start making something exciting (something i've never made before) every weekend! i like to give myself at least a little break on the weekends most of the time, and this will be a perfect way to satisfy my cooking-craving that i starve from during the week. it should also keep my pallet satisfied - college-quick food has my mouth in a constant depression most of the time. for the first test, i've decided to try vegetarian pot stickers and chinese chow mein, although i'm a little skeptical about the mushrooms and the bok choy... but hey! this is an experiment, so caution to the wind! right??
change of thought pattern, slightly..
i also have another little goal i'm starting today. okay, it's more like a lifestyle change, i guess. but that all starts with small goals, i think. this all started with a post by loveyoulongtime a few days back. she talks about the little things she does to show her love to herself (really, it's a great little post - you'd like it). it made me think about how hectic my life has been the past few weeks and the things i usually do to remember my worth that have been sacrificed lately. nothing huge, but sometimes small things count the most.
so i'm going to implement a few things and bring a few things back into my life:
i'm going to treat myself to eight hours of sleep a night (which will be a huge improvement).
i'll let myself feel a little more feminine and make time to paint my nails - pink! i haven't done this in quite a while.
in this lifestyle, there isn't much alone-calming time, so i'm going to calm myself and have some very me-time with yoga - several times a week.
i'm going to start eating breakfast sitting down every morning - without rushing (fifteen-minute breakfasts - oh yeah!). that way it'll be more than an apple out the door.
i really love to shower, and i love to wear skirts, but lately i've been in such a rush that shower time has been significantly cut down. so i'm going to make time to shower everyday without rushing, and shave enough to wear a few more skirts.
now that i've realized how many things i cut out of my schedule during school, things that really make me remember that loving myself is important, i've realized that it's the lack of these things that make me feel frantic when i get busy. i think bringing them back will help me feel more balanced and secure in my lifestyle right now!
what things do you do to bring balance back to your life?
ps. i've decided that once you start dating frequently, the inevitability of a really bad, awkward, depressing, or time-wasting date is a little daunting. the pro: sometimes you get really great stories.... and sometimes you come home laughing and looking forward to your own apartment.
pps. HAPPY OCTOBER!
so i've made a new little resolution. i'm going to start making something exciting (something i've never made before) every weekend! i like to give myself at least a little break on the weekends most of the time, and this will be a perfect way to satisfy my cooking-craving that i starve from during the week. it should also keep my pallet satisfied - college-quick food has my mouth in a constant depression most of the time. for the first test, i've decided to try vegetarian pot stickers and chinese chow mein, although i'm a little skeptical about the mushrooms and the bok choy... but hey! this is an experiment, so caution to the wind! right??
change of thought pattern, slightly..
i also have another little goal i'm starting today. okay, it's more like a lifestyle change, i guess. but that all starts with small goals, i think. this all started with a post by loveyoulongtime a few days back. she talks about the little things she does to show her love to herself (really, it's a great little post - you'd like it). it made me think about how hectic my life has been the past few weeks and the things i usually do to remember my worth that have been sacrificed lately. nothing huge, but sometimes small things count the most.
so i'm going to implement a few things and bring a few things back into my life:
i'm going to treat myself to eight hours of sleep a night (which will be a huge improvement).
i'll let myself feel a little more feminine and make time to paint my nails - pink! i haven't done this in quite a while.
in this lifestyle, there isn't much alone-calming time, so i'm going to calm myself and have some very me-time with yoga - several times a week.
i'm going to start eating breakfast sitting down every morning - without rushing (fifteen-minute breakfasts - oh yeah!). that way it'll be more than an apple out the door.
i really love to shower, and i love to wear skirts, but lately i've been in such a rush that shower time has been significantly cut down. so i'm going to make time to shower everyday without rushing, and shave enough to wear a few more skirts.
now that i've realized how many things i cut out of my schedule during school, things that really make me remember that loving myself is important, i've realized that it's the lack of these things that make me feel frantic when i get busy. i think bringing them back will help me feel more balanced and secure in my lifestyle right now!
what things do you do to bring balance back to your life?
ps. i've decided that once you start dating frequently, the inevitability of a really bad, awkward, depressing, or time-wasting date is a little daunting. the pro: sometimes you get really great stories.... and sometimes you come home laughing and looking forward to your own apartment.
pps. HAPPY OCTOBER!
Thursday, September 23
minor
for the last few weeks {monthish} i've been contemplating quite a few very large decisions. for example:
in short, i have been overwhelmed with the options. naturally, when one has a list of possible opportunities this long, one chooses something that was never on the list to begin with. which is exactly what i did.
that's right, my mourning days are over. i am now an official visual arts minor, and i don't have to cry out in jealousy every time i meet an illustration major. true, this decision pushes my graduation out another semester. now, the date is december - slightly more than a year away. that's a daunting thought, surely. but after considering all the many options in my life right now, the only one that feels right is just to stay put for a little while longer. and to compound that, it makes more sense than the rest do. now, the possibility of finding a paid internship (that i'll love) will be considerably easier because i can look during the summer without worrying about graduation.
i do have one concern: money.
but my reasoning is thus: money was the one factor that almost stopped me from coming to this university to begin with (which, i feel, has been one of the best decisions in my life). so, if money wasn't a good enough reason to stop that, it's not enough to stop this. money will work itself out, somehow.
i also have one soapbox:
a pet-peeve, of sorts. it drives me crazy when boys and girls stay in college for eternity playing around. they take all the fun classes, perpetually put off making decisions about their major and future in general. i think this exemplifies the stereotype of my generation - the generation that doesn't know how to grow up and take the reins. i am decidedly not doing this. i realized this was a large reason for my rush through school - the goal of graduating with my bachelors when i was twenty. but guess what? i realized adding a minor wasn't considered playing around - and i can still have a lot of fun doing it!
so there you go.
i'm now very settled with my decision to do what i'm passionate about (study families), while also incorporating one of my first loves into my education (art).
and i can't wait to step into that art building.
- internship winter semester or summer semester?
- internship in provo or anywhere in the world?
- ...which internship??
- after april graduation, what next -
- frantic search for full-time job to cover expenses?
- yoga certification?
- stay in provo?
- move back to st. george?
- move...anywhere else?
- LDS mission (which very recently became a possibility with the closeness of my 21st birthday)?
- if so, mission in january? april? later?
in short, i have been overwhelmed with the options. naturally, when one has a list of possible opportunities this long, one chooses something that was never on the list to begin with. which is exactly what i did.
art minor!
i do have one concern: money.
but my reasoning is thus: money was the one factor that almost stopped me from coming to this university to begin with (which, i feel, has been one of the best decisions in my life). so, if money wasn't a good enough reason to stop that, it's not enough to stop this. money will work itself out, somehow.
i also have one soapbox:
a pet-peeve, of sorts. it drives me crazy when boys and girls stay in college for eternity playing around. they take all the fun classes, perpetually put off making decisions about their major and future in general. i think this exemplifies the stereotype of my generation - the generation that doesn't know how to grow up and take the reins. i am decidedly not doing this. i realized this was a large reason for my rush through school - the goal of graduating with my bachelors when i was twenty. but guess what? i realized adding a minor wasn't considered playing around - and i can still have a lot of fun doing it!
so there you go.
i'm now very settled with my decision to do what i'm passionate about (study families), while also incorporating one of my first loves into my education (art).
and i can't wait to step into that art building.
with full confidence that someday, my studio will look like this.
Friday, September 17
on travel
i'm feeling antsy in provo, today.
it's an adventure - but some days i'm not sure if it's big enough for me,
or if it's my adventure for more than a short while longer,
it's a growing feeling, and i can't pinpoint when it started.
it must have been somewhere between a cross-cultural family development course
in which i have no previous experience with other cultures
and most of the others do.
the seed could have been planted when natalie left for london,
but more likely when she came home -
with descriptions of the markets, the food, the diversity.
it might have been before that:
something of my own doing, by displaying
the beautiful hand-painted blue turkish bowl.
the intricate spoon from uruguay.
an eiffel tower lamp, always hovering above my bed.
a miniature vintage mannequin - from natalie, in london.
a desktop image of italy.
last night, i was {yet again} opened to the possibilities.
my friends sat around me, talking about
the places they'd been
things they'd seen
i've always been content at home.
happy to let others travel and see their spoils,
but it's getting to me.
and i'm antsy in provo.
hopefully just today.
it's an adventure - but some days i'm not sure if it's big enough for me,
or if it's my adventure for more than a short while longer,
it's a growing feeling, and i can't pinpoint when it started.
it must have been somewhere between a cross-cultural family development course
in which i have no previous experience with other cultures
and most of the others do.
the seed could have been planted when natalie left for london,
but more likely when she came home -
with descriptions of the markets, the food, the diversity.
it might have been before that:
something of my own doing, by displaying
the beautiful hand-painted blue turkish bowl.
the intricate spoon from uruguay.
an eiffel tower lamp, always hovering above my bed.
a miniature vintage mannequin - from natalie, in london.
a desktop image of italy.
last night, i was {yet again} opened to the possibilities.
my friends sat around me, talking about
the places they'd been
things they'd seen
i've always been content at home.
happy to let others travel and see their spoils,
but it's getting to me.
and i'm antsy in provo.
hopefully just today.
Sunday, August 29
week one in number 103
wow! in the chaos of moving, this little blog journal has been neglected. this past week has been such a flurry; it feels as if i've only been in provo a couple of days, and at the same time it's like i never left. there's two constants in provo: couples holding hands everywhere and a non-stop steaming of owl city in all the restaurants and stores.
it's been almost one week {tomorrow} that i've been back. i've opened boxes, gotten bruises, opened boxes, hung pictures, opened boxes, grocery shopped, organized my closet, bought my books, almost cut my little toe off, opened more boxes, put together an end-table, moved furniture, and ran around like a headless chicken most of the week. i still have an incredible amount to accomplish!
looking back, i realized that one year ago tomorrow, i started this blog to document my adventures while attending byu, as one who was not so certain this happy valley idea was her thing. in memory of my first post, written the day before the first day of class {today}, i'm taking a little walk down memory lane -- and staring over this year's brink a little as well.
first, read my first post. now, here's some commentary:
i live across the street from the second level, moderate-sized apartment of last year, in the building with the frills (which i have decided look convincingly like pineapples). i love the old houses with the broken shutters next door more than almost anything. as it turned out, the convenient parking garage located beneath the complex of little 205 was a more hospitable place than i realized. periodic break-ins, scary looking skaters, and glass from shattered windows soon became no surprise in the garage. luckily for me, my little green punky brewster car was never harmed, nor was i. provo still seems larger than a medium-sized city, although not quite like new york or hong kong. i'll admit freely, i am still capable of becoming hilariously lost. but after nailing down the few main roads (and carrying a map of campus around in my head and my backpack) things became much easier.
although changed considerably from last year, i am still not ordinary.
california-girl-beth lives next to my frilly pineapple complex in a quaint yellow house. na li, who was as mysterious the day she moved out as the first day we moved in, is around town somewhere, still finishing her chemistry degree and, i imagine, still having midnight solitary fashion shows with her roommate's full-length mirrors. natalie is with me still, thank goodness. i can't begin to say how grateful i am that we're still living together. we are still attempting to keep each other sane, and a little more healthy this semester.
this year, we've added two more girls to our apartment ingredient list. beth, or elizabeth, is a kindred spirit and long lost sister that served in the same mission as natalie. the day that a small public bus broke down in uruguay was a fateful day. you see, natalie and beth were both on that bus. i awoke to her singing yesterday and it made my heart smile. she loves to make almost-vegan cupcakes with me, and lets me cuddle with her. genny, or genevieve, is beth's younger sister. with six years between them and five between natalie and i, if you lined up all our ages, we could all be one big sister-family. genny is a saint. she brings a beautiful, sweet, calm presence that i prayed this apartment would find. she did my dishes this morning, and if you know me, you know that almost nothing makes my day more than finished dishes i didn't do. it's going to work splendidly, i think, the four of us.
this is the brink. the day before we all began classes. i don't expect to get lost. i'm not particularly nervous. but i am expectant, excited, and quite curious. i'm trying a lot of new things this semester. i'm an incredibly new me than i was a year ago. this is my last year, and i can't wait to see what's in store for me.
i miss my kitties, still terribly. i have a thousand pictures to hang on my bulliton board.
and i really can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. it's like being at the top of a roller coaster, the part when you can't see over the edge, and that alone takes your breath away.
adventure awaits.
and class begins tomorrow.
it's been almost one week {tomorrow} that i've been back. i've opened boxes, gotten bruises, opened boxes, hung pictures, opened boxes, grocery shopped, organized my closet, bought my books, almost cut my little toe off, opened more boxes, put together an end-table, moved furniture, and ran around like a headless chicken most of the week. i still have an incredible amount to accomplish!
looking back, i realized that one year ago tomorrow, i started this blog to document my adventures while attending byu, as one who was not so certain this happy valley idea was her thing. in memory of my first post, written the day before the first day of class {today}, i'm taking a little walk down memory lane -- and staring over this year's brink a little as well.
first, read my first post. now, here's some commentary:
i live across the street from the second level, moderate-sized apartment of last year, in the building with the frills (which i have decided look convincingly like pineapples). i love the old houses with the broken shutters next door more than almost anything. as it turned out, the convenient parking garage located beneath the complex of little 205 was a more hospitable place than i realized. periodic break-ins, scary looking skaters, and glass from shattered windows soon became no surprise in the garage. luckily for me, my little green punky brewster car was never harmed, nor was i. provo still seems larger than a medium-sized city, although not quite like new york or hong kong. i'll admit freely, i am still capable of becoming hilariously lost. but after nailing down the few main roads (and carrying a map of campus around in my head and my backpack) things became much easier.
although changed considerably from last year, i am still not ordinary.
california-girl-beth lives next to my frilly pineapple complex in a quaint yellow house. na li, who was as mysterious the day she moved out as the first day we moved in, is around town somewhere, still finishing her chemistry degree and, i imagine, still having midnight solitary fashion shows with her roommate's full-length mirrors. natalie is with me still, thank goodness. i can't begin to say how grateful i am that we're still living together. we are still attempting to keep each other sane, and a little more healthy this semester.
this year, we've added two more girls to our apartment ingredient list. beth, or elizabeth, is a kindred spirit and long lost sister that served in the same mission as natalie. the day that a small public bus broke down in uruguay was a fateful day. you see, natalie and beth were both on that bus. i awoke to her singing yesterday and it made my heart smile. she loves to make almost-vegan cupcakes with me, and lets me cuddle with her. genny, or genevieve, is beth's younger sister. with six years between them and five between natalie and i, if you lined up all our ages, we could all be one big sister-family. genny is a saint. she brings a beautiful, sweet, calm presence that i prayed this apartment would find. she did my dishes this morning, and if you know me, you know that almost nothing makes my day more than finished dishes i didn't do. it's going to work splendidly, i think, the four of us.
this is the brink. the day before we all began classes. i don't expect to get lost. i'm not particularly nervous. but i am expectant, excited, and quite curious. i'm trying a lot of new things this semester. i'm an incredibly new me than i was a year ago. this is my last year, and i can't wait to see what's in store for me.
i miss my kitties, still terribly. i have a thousand pictures to hang on my bulliton board.
and i really can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring. it's like being at the top of a roller coaster, the part when you can't see over the edge, and that alone takes your breath away.
adventure awaits.
and class begins tomorrow.
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