for those times when you just really need to laugh so hard it makes your stomach cramp and your eyes water. this was that time for me tonight, demetri martin was the source of its accomplishment, and these are tonight's best of the best: enjoy :) in the words of the soy creamer carton, "shake well and smile often."
“I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.”"
"If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy."
"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!"
-- demetri martin
