first, the canker sore on my lip has officially reached the "people probably think my lip is deformed" stage. not that you can see it, but it's drastically impairing my ability to speak normally... or at all. ouch. it really is pretty bittersweet that the juiciest sweetest plum of the season caused me to bite my lip so hard it bled. and really, that line is not as metaphorical as it sounds or should be. i really ate the most incredible plum ever, and i really did bite my lip and it bled. a lot.
and if i said that in church, my sister would hold up a massive sign from the back of the room that read "TMI!" but this isn't church. it's a blog. and on the blog we can basically say whatever we want and nothing is too much information, right?? ...erm.
moving on.
i'm addicted to baking. no worries, this post isn't nearly as serious as it already sounds. i'm not being literal. although food has become the greatest excuse not to do homework the past two and a half weeks. see, there were many things i was deprived of while i was in seattle. {also, there's a positive seattle experience post in the making. no, it wasn't all horrible. just sometimes..in someways..you know.} one of these deprivations was a drastic lack of me cooking or baking anything. that's right. you know your soul is slowly dying and it's time to make some drastic changes when you go for that long without getting giddy over what's coming out of the oven. or, at least i do.
but i'm making up for it.
in the past several days, i've made raspberry cornmeal pancakes with celestial cream, banana chocolate chip muffins, falafel with tzatziki sauce, and a massive batch of monster cookies. oh yeah, and italien breakfast sandwiches. ask me about those later!
really, not only am i enjoying food more than i have in well, a really long time, i'm also eating in pure guilt-free moderation. disclaimer: no one is perfect. ever. but i've hit this blissful balance the last week or so between being healthy and eating all the foods i love {love and either have always restricted or binged on}. it's this awesome stress-free mental food umbrella - being able to eat what i love when i'm hungry stop when i'm full.
it's strange, too.
see, i've had a lot of sugar lately, in retrospect. and it's not like i've stayed at an ideal calorie intake or really been working out to my personal satisfaction. the cool thing is that it doesn't matter much anymore. not that being healthy doesn't matter, but my perspective has changed so much. healthy isn't eating a perfect diet anymore; healthy is eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.
and look at that.
without even intending to, i've worded what i've been attempting to put into language since the end of the summer: health isn't perfection anymore, it's eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious. and it's being happy about it, too!
ideology shift?
i think so. and it's in a really good direction. so, i'm taking this moment to celebrate. i didn't sit down with the intention to write about my eating disorder recovery, but that's what came out. i've changed over the summer. natalie said it best about two weeks ago. she said, i like this jessica better. the one who'll eat cupcakes with me and not care about how much sugar they have in them because they are so good! that's paraphrased, but you get the idea. i'm a more relaxed individual, now. i'm more me, less... less obsessive and stressed. because when i let go of all those expectations of perfect everything for myself, i became a little closer to the real me. and that's the real point, here.
isn't it?
so that's it. i'm reestablishing my relationship with food {and my own awesome body}. and also, i love to bake. hey, look - back to the beginning. what i meant to write about was this: this week, i can't wait to go to sunflower market and check out their all-natural meat section. also, i can't wait to delve into a few unopened cookbooks to figure out how to cook the meat! and because i love to see things come out of the oven i'm also going to be making white cheddar rosemary scones and chocolate chip apricot scones. incredible, i know.
and i'm going to have some left-over falafel for dinner.
and the point of this whole post: i love food and i'm happy.
at the same time.
happy eating! :)
