self image

day thirteen.

task: write about something you'd like to change about yourself for the better.

i am a big advocate of goals.  reading over some of my posts from a while back i laughed at how much that topic popped up unintentionally.  there are always quite a few things about myself i'm working on - i pick little projects, topics of improvement, i guess you could say.

right now, my biggest goal for change isn't really an actual change in... well, myself.  rather it's a process of becoming happy with myself the way i am {while still having a drive to improve}.  the way i view myself has taken a roller-coaster ride the past five {plus} years.  i'm working on changing that right now - diligently.  some days it's a painfully slow process, some days i feel like i make leaping bounds forward.  reprogramming my mind to think about myself differently is truly a slow process, and it takes more self-discipline than i ever imagined.  but i believe it will be worth the effort - a million times worth the effort.  my goal is to achieve a consistently healthy mindset of myself, to develop patience for myself, and to allow myself to not be perfect all the time.

i'm a work in progress. :)

and it's okay.

see, look at that - how far i've come.  i'm starting to believe it, and that's a big step in the right direction!

overcoming the programming

day twelve.

question: what wears you out as a woman?

well. . . i don't want to be a downer.  we're trying to keep a positive attitude here!  so, i'm tweaking this question slightly.  creative liberty, yaknow.

right now, the thing that wears me out is something i very much have control over - but i don't always keep it in check.  social comparison is a killer, sometimes silent, sometimes not so much.  i was in church last sunday singing the opening hymn when a girl behind me leaned over and to her roommate whispered (about the chorister) she's so skinny and beautiful!  social comparison is rampant around here {and really everywhere among women today}.  i catch myself at the indoor track sometimes thinking things like i would love to look like her or if i could have anyone's body, it would be hers.

it's more than hard to put a stop to all of that when it's in your mind.  but it's absolutely necessary.

social comparison is one of the most wearing things we do to ourselves and {in my opinion} one of the most difficult to overcome.  i'm far from saying i'm over it - it wears me out, i'll admit it!

but it's also important to know how to combat those things that wear us down.

i'm not the expert here, either.  but there are a few things i've tried that help me out!

1. look other women in the eye.  when i compare myself to others, i really don't think i'm thinking about them as women - women who suffer the same wear and tear i do, women who are my equals.  as i focus on looking at other girls in the eye, i take my focus away from comparing my body to theirs and place it on our common ground.  after all, they are women just like me.

2. list things everyday (start with five, then ten...) that you love about your body.  i started this a while back, and at first being sincere with myself was incredibly difficult.  but as i've continued, i find there really are things that are uniquely mine - that i can love about my body today.

3. wear comfortable clothing.  when i'm having a bit of a down-on-myself day despite my efforts, uncomfortable clothes make me want to stay home and never look at myself or other women again!  but if i'm comfortable, i don't think about it as much - i can forget about the way i look and focus on the task at hand.

4. have a hobby.  pick something you love to do - that you love so much you want to think about it all the time.  in situations where i feel myself falling to social comparison, i pull out my love box.  i think about the things i love to do, to create, that make me feel fulfilled.  it restores the sense of self-worth i need to keep my mind away from making comparisons.

do you have tips to avoid negative social comparison?

starving for real beauty.

day six.

question: {jaded beauty.} has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

i'll admit it: i've been slightly apprehensive to answer this question.  it's one that i saw when i started the project (reading over the questions) and thought, wow... that one will be tough to tackle.  i don't have my thoughts completely together, but i'm going to give it a shot and hope it comes out making at least a tiny bit of sense.

at age sixteen, i was energetic, enthusiastic about life, and a perfectionist.  the problem didn't start as a desire to be thin, a dissatisfaction with my body, or even a conscious act.  in fact, i wasn't consciously aware of the strain i was placing on my body by limiting my food intake until my mother asked a very important question one night, a question that saved my life and started a new chapter.

she was sitting on the couch, and i was at her feet.  i was already emotionally weary.  it had been a long day, it was late at night, and my sixteen-year-old heart was broken so horribly it could never be repaired {or so i thought at the time}.  i don't remember what we were talking about.  i simply remember her interrupting the subject to place her hand on my shoulder and ask, jessica, why haven't you been eating?

i sobbed.  teenage mascara running down my face, hands and feet tingling from lack of oxygen, tissue box at my feet, i sobbed good and hard.

the truth was, i had no idea.  i didn't know why i hadn't finished a meal in the last several months. i had no idea why i had been so obsessive about buying a smaller jeans size.  reflecting in that moment i knew it was true, but i didn't know why.

once i tried to break the habit and started to form normal eating habits again, i realized how much the disorder had affected my perception of beauty, of myself and other women.  i had not been viewing myself or the women around me as daughters of God, beautiful human beings with the inborn potential to nurture, love, and create life.  i had been seeing myself and others as mere objects - machines that badly needed perfecting.

it was a slow process to change that mindset.

the journey isn't over yet.  but i'm a happier and healthier traveler now than i was five years ago, two years ago, even a year ago.

today, i'm working diligently to eat three meals a day, to exercise enough for my body each day.  i'm being flexible about what i eat, finding the balance between healthy food and still living a little.  i'm trying to consciously find a few things about my body to be thankful for every day {no matter how small}.  

today, i can say i have some theories.  my in-depth study of eating disorders from a social science perspective has given me a little window into my past.  through this i can see glimpses of the warning signs, the predictors, and the recovery stages.

today, i can say i work hard to be healthy.  some days it's a massive daunting challenge and others i feel the freedom of a healthy and correct view of myself.  but overall, i'm in upward motion - each down day isn't as down as the previous, each good one is higher than the last.

the world's definition of beauty stains each of us a little differently, i think.  it's the process of washing away those stains that molds who we are - little by little.  with the help of our Savior, overcoming any challenge is possible.  especially for healing the taint the world's definition of beauty leaves on the soul, His help is necessary.  because to Him, we are all beautiful.  defects, faults, and all, He takes us as we are, willing to save us each individually.

and that's the miracle: that no matter how stained, we can always develop an eye to see our own beauty and that of others.  little by little, day by day, holding His hand.

loveme.

january and i have been in the middle of a love-hate relationship this year.  i love the blue skies, he drops snow on me.  i hate the cold, and it warms up.  i make incredible resolutions to start the new year off. . . and with the first month they go the way of the world {which is away}.

i feel like january shouldn't really be a part of the year.  see, everyone makes all these great resolutions and plans to change, do things a little differently, be a little better.  but come the end of january and most of us are on the same old track.

for that reason, i now decree january a test month - not a real one.

for the rest of my life, i intend to make my new year's resolutions at the end of january.  that way, i've had time to try out a few different things.  i've had time to try to change things, i know what works and what doesn't, and i won't be horribly frustrated by the end of the first month of the new year when nothing has changed.

a test month.  i'll try a different strategy every week or so.  then, come february, i'll have a plan - a concrete plan.  i'll know exactly what i want to change and how i want to change it. . .at least, that's the hope.

luckily, this is a perfect year to start this strategy.  it's almost the end of january and quite a few of my resolutions from the previous year have failed - miserably.  okay, let's be a little more optimistic!  not failed miserably. . . just not quite accomplished the over-arching goal, which is actually what i'd like to talk about.

so: new year's resolution {post test-month}:
{this is a big one}.

    i've come up with a theme for this year:  loveme. 
                 loving myself has been a challenge since i can remember, and to be honest i'm terrified to tackle it. this encompasses a lot.  from demanding much too much of myself, placing extreme restrictions on myself, placing no restrictions on myself, mental guilt-tripping. . . it's been a long road of self-abuse.  but it's time to put a stop to it.  this goal will change the dynamics of the blog quite a bit, i expect.  i'll be blogging about things like eating disorders, mental attitude, general health, nutrition, having a relationship with Christ, social relationships, expectations, attitudes about men and women, social competition and comparison, and more as they surface.  this is a year-long project.  but by then end, i expect to have a better opinion of myself, to learn to truly take care of myself, to be happy to be me.  in short, this year will be a turning point - one that will shape my future drastically.  by the end, i hope to believe there's nothing i can't do.

project loveme will have quite a few different components and stages.  i still haven't worked out a fool-proof plan, but there'll be more to follow on that later.  i am determined to do a few things right off the bat.  i've been wanting to write about these issues for a long time, but it was just never the right time.  but i've realized that i can't keep waiting for the right time, i just have to start now, where i am.  so i'm actually going to write about these things - address my real life issues and how i'm overcoming them.  i'm going to post more pictures of myself.  selfish?  i thought that at first, too.  but not anymore.  i want this to be a record of me, of my life, and pictures are a way to do that, while also helping with my own self-image.

the first step:
i wanted something that would really get me writing about all this, more than once a month.  so, to start off, i'll be trying out a blog challenge called project 31.  it's all about women, real beauty, and being unique.  i'll start that on february 1. {and yes, i know that february doesn't have 31 days, but i missed january!}

after that i'm not sure where i'll head.  my hope is that it will help me be more comfortable writing about all this - all this stuff that's much more me.

so.

let project loveme begin!