thoughts on rest and days off.

this weekend, my body's forcing me to take a mandatory few days off.  which, i'll admit, is always better to schedule myself than have my body schedule it for me.  but either way, i'll feel better afterward.  at the moment, i'm not exactly enjoying the large cold sore on my chin, but i have learned a few things.  okay... not really learned, re-learened.  or remembered..

1. my body can handle a couple weeks of heightened sugar intake just fine - as long as i have a couple weeks after that of no stress, almost perfect diet, and consistent exercise.  oh yeah, and lots of sleep.  during the last couple weeks of winter semester, i was eating quite a bit more sugar than my body is used to.  coming from that into a work environment {that's been a big change and a kind of a constant, nagging sort of stress}, i shouldn't have been surprised when my body said, "wait a minute...I DON'T HAVE THE NUTRIENTS I NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS!" and then.... crash.  first headaches, then fatigue, then neck pain, then cold sore.  it did try to give me warning signs, first.  so i can't complain.  

2.  speaking of warning signs, this has been a great re-learning experience because i've remembered that i need to pay attention to those warning signs my body's giving me and do something about them instead of just shrugging them off and saying, "oh, my headache will go away eventually."  the last three weeks in seattle, i've been shrugging-off all the signals my body's sending me more than ever.  but i'm glad to have a reminder.  now, i'm going to re-start working to stay more in-tune with what my body needs.  i'm going to do more yoga, eat more vegetables, and make some time every day for just me - to meditate and relax.

3.  i've also learned yet another lesson about social comparison.  i'm competitive - if you don't believe me, just come play cards with me and my sisters.  i worried, coming up here, that i wouldn't be able to keep up.  after all, i'm with a group of students that are elite - to say the least.  i'm not sure how in the world i was placed with most of them, to be honest.  while i've taken big leaps in not comparing myself to others physically, it's okay to compare myself in every other way, right?  ...wrong.  dead wrong, in fact.  everyone has their own individual 100%.  for some, that means a fifty-hour work week, for others it's a casual twenty.  while twenty-hour work weeks here won't quite cut it {for the next several weeks, at least}, i'm finding that i can't push myself to the same limits that others judge their work by.  i can make sure i'm collecting quality data, doing my best in everything i'm doing, but not taking on so much that i'm overwhelmed.  individual's work styles are just about as different as individual's physical-selves.  and that's why there's no good in comparing - even though it happens often in all different settings.

to be honest, i'm really glad i have a couple of days to slow down.  i didn't realize how absolutely out-of-touch with myself i was until i woke up this morning.  these next couple of days will be used to center myself again - return to being okay with my inner-self, so i can work with my body to accomplish what i need to, instead of ignoring its limits and trying to push to the extreme.

speaking of extreme... from the internet, i've been exploring bikram yoga studios in seattle, and i can tell you i'm more than intrigued.  i've been wanting an extra push when it comes to yoga, lately, and i think this might be the thing to try.  105 degrees with 50% humidity, and it's 90 minutes long.  eek!  it scares me... but one of the biggest reasons i'm here is to overcome things that scare me {more on that to come}.  so i'm going to give it a try.  i'm going to work up to it, first.  despite their claim that you don't need to even be physically active to try it, i'd like to not embarrass myself. :)  

also, there is the cutest little finch that's building a nest outside my window today.  she keeps standing on my windowsill with her beak absolutely stuffed with grass.  she looks in and twitches her head back and forth as if she's trying to say, "hey! i need some help here! this stuff is so heavy!"  it's adorable.  and i wish i could help her.  be strong, little bird!

so pretty much, i love.

today, life's been darn good.

earli{er} morning - when the sun came up.

video-chats with my musician.

run around greenlake.

half-day off to grocery shop.

beautiful organic produce and artisan bread.

chats with the family.

a {tiny} glimpse of the sun.

productive office hours.

cold water from the klean kanteen, with a drop of digetzen.

a wall of only windows.

tristan prettyman, then switchfoot.

squirrels.

lunch with my roommates.

amazon student - with books on the way.

and mostly a lot more peace than was present in my life last week.

sufficiently humbled.

i've been in freak-out mode for the last few days.  okay, so maybe i've just had really bad pms - which {i admit freely} every few months turns me into an emotional monster.  and yes, for the past several days, i've been nothing short of an emotional monster.  i've complained about tiny things that really didn't matter, i angered over things that normally would have me laughing.... you know the drill.  mostly, my natural reactions to basic situations have been out of control.  for example, when the second counselor in my single's ward asked me {today} to speak in church next week, before i stopped myself, i blurted out, "NEXT WEEK???"  he stammered for a minute, then said, "um... i am sorry about the short notice."

i accepted happily, of course.  but i feel like lately my life's been in that sort of panic mode.  some unexpected happens and i freak out for a minute before realizing, oh yeah, this is just life! 

i could blame it on pms all i want, and believe me, it's a truth that everything has been absolutely exemplified by my reeling emotions the last week, but in reality - straight, unemotional reality - i've been on freak-out mode, too.

i've been so busy that a lot of the basics have fallen by the wayside a little.  running, sleep, eating habits, scripture study... it's all been extremely sporadic.  and today, during church, i felt very humbled.  very instructed.

i realized how much i've been relying on my own strength to get me through the first few weeks of this internship, to get me through being away from the people i love.  and i've been so afraid that my strength wouldn't be enough.  the crazed freak-out mode was a result of me knowing {deep down} that i just didn't have enough to do it.  and i don't - that, i know for sure.  i don't have what it takes to be this far out of my comfort zone every single day.  i don't have what it takes to be so far away from everyone i love so much and still have the emotional strength and capacity to do what i need to here and love them from far away.

then i realized how silly i was being.  as humans, i know we have a tendency to rely on ourselves - it's our nature.  but it's never enough.  and one of the biggest tests of this life is to see if we figure out who to turn to.  after realizing how much i've relied on my own strength the past little while, i feel a little ridiculous - because i know better.  but luckily, Heavenly Father is always there.  even when we realize He's been waiting a long time for us to simply ask.

and now that i've realized this, really and fully, i have a feeling things are going to be looking up a little.  it's always easier when two are carrying the burden of one.  and i know with His help, i can do a lot more than i even know.  which is so comforting, right now.  because there's a lot that i know i can't do on my own, in my future.

so today, i've re-evaluated my priorities and rearranged my time a little so i can put Him back in first place.  and it's extremely relieving to have finally realized that all i really have to do is ask, then listen, then obey.

uncomfortable.

it has again been positively too long.  i'm still figuring things out, here in seattle.  still trying to get into a routine, some sort of schedule that gives me room to breath, to cook, to run, and to blog.  

it was a beautiful day, today.  sunny, slightly cloudy, evening rainstorm, and high sixties.  it's been a beautiful week.  one morning, bekah and i went to greenlake together to take a morning run.  greenlake is already one of my favorite places in the city.  the trail around the small, clear lake is almost three miles and full of joggers, dogs, rollerbladers, walkers, runners, and bikes.  people are friendly when they exercise and being there feels safe, feels most like home, so far.  that morning was completely clear.  we started running just as the sun was coming up, and i've seen few things as beautiful.  the reflection off the water was so bright that i could hardly see anything for several minutes.  canadian geese glided around the lake, squirrels dashed out of their trees to see the sun, and i was more energetic than i've been in weeks.  it was a glorious morning - one where my feet felt like they were flying, my lungs had air to spare, and the breeze cooled me off just enough.  it reminded me of the reasons i run - why i would never give it up.

greenlake is a close second to my red mountain running trail.  i've never ran anywhere quite as beautiful as the red mountains of ivins, but greenlake is a different experience.  running by a lake is much different than running in the quiet stability of mountains.  it took a couple times to really get the feel for it - the enjoyment of the water, the way i enjoy the mountains.  but now, i look forward to nothing quite as much in my day-to-day.

i wonder sometimes why we do things that make us uncomfortable.  why do people run, move to countries where they don't speak the language, accept jobs and internships that are far out of their comfort zone?  so many of the big things in life don't have guaranteed outcomes.  it's impossible to say whether we'll look back and see the best experience of a lifetime or the most ridiculous mistake you've ever made.

tonight, i'm really not sure why i do those things that scare me and make me uncomfortable.  i think the human race, in general, is a little masochistic.

it's been one of those long, loooong weeks that fly by so quickly i don't remember what i really did.  i'm excited tomorrow is sunday - the day when i don't need to be pushed to work.  when i can rest - really, really rest.