i have a bad case of senioritis.

a few minutes ago i sat down at my desk, opened my laptop {who is slowly earning a name - i've started brainstorming}, opened my little planner, and looked over my homework load for the coming week.

it looked a little like this:

• monday: discussion paper due, meeting with advisor to make sure i'm on track to graduate when i want to.
• thoughts: i haven't started this paper yet. . .i wonder if i could get away with skipping it.  i don't really want to meet with the advisor.  i should, but. . .
• tuesday: seattle travel plans have to be finalized {eek}.
• exciting, yes!  but the musician just got back from seattle, and he said it was difficult to navigate.  and. . .i'm not exactly a directionless individual, but i know i'm going to get lost.  well, adventure is out there! and coming up fast.
• wednesday: biography nine page paper due.
• this is one of those assignments that i hope will teach me never to procrastinate again.  at the moment, i'm on page fifty-five of the three hundred page biography that i have to write a nine page paper about by wednesday.  aaaaand every time i sit down to read, i fall asleep.  yeah, it's that dull.
• thursday: all day sucked up by the fulton research conference!
• that's right, folks!  it's finished - our poster is submitted and we're setting up on thursday.  because my schedule is free of classes on thursday, i'll be there the whole day filling in-between for everyone else that has to leave often throughout.  really, i'm concerned {almost most} about my feet.  a whole day standing in dress shoes. . .doesn't sound appetizing to me, especially when my feet already hate my shoe wardrobe.  new shoes before thursday? YES.
• friday: eight page marriage interview paper due.
• yeah. . .haven't done the interview yet.  this one will probably be completed {start to finish} on thursday night.

mostly, looking over my planner for next week made me realize that my senioritis is at an all-time high.  despite the fact i have a million things to do, i'm going to make a quick trip to the health food store, play my music really loud, clean my room, make granola to send to allison, and maybe talk to the musician a little more.  honestly, i kind of hope all these deadlines just. . .sort of. . .evaporate! 

*poof!*

gone. 

just like that.

but if not, it'll all be over soon!  for better or worse. . .

{and no, that's not an allusion to anything but my gpa.}

the LOVE game: V

1. i love every single bud on every single tree in provo today.
2. i love flowered skirts and cardigans.
3. i love a cloudless sky.
4. i love my sympathetic roommates as they wake me up to tell me i'm late for class.
5. i love the five-day forecast showing only one day this week below fifty.
6. i love walking into class five minutes late when the professor is right behind me.
7. i love my hair in bun on top of my head and out of my face.
8. i love company at breakfast.
9. i love frozen bananas - oh the potential!
10. i love spring cleaning. . .and packing {that needs to start oh so soon!}.

. . .on the flip side, i do not love box elder bugs, especially the one in my room.  yes, he's dead.  yes, i screamed.  yes, i'm considering throwing away the text book i smashed him with.  if box elder bugs didn't exist, spring in provo would be nothing short of glorious!

what do you love today?

panic alternative: stand on a chair.

my head's been floating a little the past few days.  there are two weeks of school left.  well, scratch that.  i wanted to write this post yesterday, at which point there would have been two weeks of school left.  now, there are less than two weeks of school left.

in any normal semester, i would haven known this.  no, not only would i have known this, i would have held a celebration at two weeks.  thrown my homework in the air and made gourmet cupcakes - complete with raspberry filling and chocolate drizzled over the buttercream frosting.  but this hasn't exactly been a typical semester, has it?

this semester, i wasn't counting down.  actually, the one-month mark passed me up without my conscious awareness of it.  i didn't count because i've been insisting on a one day at a time mindset.  my philosophy was that if i only focussed on one day at a time, i wouldn't have any major panic attacks about moving to a very foreign corner of the united states with nothing but my car and a work phone {basically}.  what i hadn't considered was what would happen when the moving day came.

luckily, i came upon some wise words.  last week, i started thinking about this whole moving thing more realistically - you know, envisioning myself there and other nerdish techniques.  that's helped keep me calm, too.

however, as a testament to my floating head, the fact that i only have two weeks left in which to finish a major amount of papers and books and projects never crossed my mind.  until yesterday, that is.  so, what did i do?  i started to have a panic attack, then stopped myself.  {note, i am extremely proud of the progress that shows in everything after this point.}  i calmed-talked myself, saying things like "all i can do will be enough," and "it's not too much if you take it slowly."  i did four minutes of wall-sits, two minutes of full plank position, eighty reps of boat-pose twists with a five pound weight. . .and as a result i can barely sit in a chair today.  after all of that, i drank almost two quarts of water while standing on a kitchen chair in the middle of the kitchen and living room.  and it worked.

i'm going to remember this strategy because it kicked the up-coming panic attack in the backside!

positive affirmations + a killer workout + lots of water + standing on something really tall = a calmer and happier me!

i know the bit about me standing on a chair might seem a little strange, but i promise it works.  next time you're feeling overwhelmed, go stand on a chair or table and do some deep breathing.  when you're that high above everything, there's nothing left to close in on you.  it's magic.

so, back to these two weeks left of class: it's going to be busy.  but i also have a feeling that it might just be the best two weeks of the semester.  i'm on a roll right now - which is a good thing to be on while the semester is coming to a close.  i'm also feeling much more energetic than is typical for me come close to finals week.

so, here's the plan of attack:

• early to bed, early to rise: i need about eight hours a night to function.  these next few weeks, i'm going to shift my sleep schedule a tad bit for maximum productivity.  i'll be in bed before eleven and i'll be up and running before seven.
• exercise!  if there's anything that keeps me happy and energetic, it's a good run.  i've been laying off running the last while because of my sore feet, but i'm going to start slowly {very slowly, at the demand of my sad feet} stepping it up again.  five days a week - resting on wednesday and sunday.
• good food:  i've had a hard time trying to tinker with my diet lately.  with crazy things coming at me from all sides, if i try to buckle down i end up sitting on the floor with cinnamon and sugar toast, a bag of chocolate chips, hot chocolate, and ice cream....which is what we don't want. :)  i'm aiming for three balanced meals a day and not too much sugar.  my goal is to listen to my body.
• study: i need some major focus time.  with mornings a little more free, i'm going to really utilize my morning energy to crank out some papers.  i'll have evenings free to finish more reading while i'm feeling a little more sluggish.

so that's the plan.  it'll probably change. . .because they usually adapt to my roommate's schedules, too.

ready. . .

go!

the unlikely conversation

dear future,

i'm taking a major risk -  one i've been {to be frank} pretty darn scared of this last year.  i wish i could talk to you right now, face to face.  i want to sit down and have a massive prioritizing session with you.  i want to ask you,
"are my decisions making you pull your {longer} hair out?"
"is this a time to be completely logical or let my heart take one of the reins again?"
"how hard, exactly, will it be to be in seattle this summer?"
"am i being too risky??"

i know, all this risk-taking behavior the last two semesters is quite uncharacteristic of the sort-or-not-really adult me.  it's more reminiscent of the reckless teenage me, the one who's heart had full hold on both reins.  but, isn't a little risk a good thing?

i'm unsure.
all i know right now is it feels darn good.

which is why i wish we could visit - that darn goodness can lead in two directions: fabulous and disastrous.  which is terrifying. . .and absolutely exhilarating!

wishing like mad i could meet you,
love a hesitantly exhilarated you.

wherein i purchase something of value.

the week i went without a computer changed a few things.  one of the more significant alterations was the way i keep track of life.  see, on my computer, i had something like twelve to twenty lists {current lists}.  it's how i kept track of homework, goals, and birthdays.  it's my system of housework, keeps me on track - where i need to be when i need to be there.  i do make physical lists, too.  my sticky-note obsession otherwise would cease to thrive.  the perpetual problem with these is that they almost always end up lost.  hopelessly so.  lost in my purse, my backpack, in a pile of binders and textbooks, on the kitchen table, in the kitchen trash bin.  when i lost my computer, i lost all my lists - the important ones that told me what i actually needed to be accomplishing in life.  the result was an almost absolute lack of homework {which was wonderful for about a week}.  nothing needed to be done, because there weren't any lists to tell me what to do.

i haven't been able to recreate the planner i kept for myself on the last computer.  it just seemed too much of a hassle - and something that wasn't necessary seeing as i didn't have anything that needed to be done anyway.  my lack of planner led to unfinished homework, which led to panic mode, which led to a purchase that i am sure proves my existence as a nerd.  yes, i bought a planner, but not just any planner.

as i walked into the byu bookstore saturday afternoon, i was on a mission to find the perfect planner.  something flexible: i'm an artist by nature, a doodler, and that requires an extreme amount of freedom in my planning.  yes, i'm a bit of an oxymoron.  i needed something that didn't proclaim procrastination.  i did not want to open up this little bit every hour to see the months of january, february, and march completely empty. i might have a bad habit, but that would just be too revealing.  i wanted space.  none of this "one inch square box" for every day.  no, no.  i demand space to breathe, to write, to doodle, and to make lists to my heart's content.

it turns out the only planner in the entire three level overly-priced facility that vaguely fit these criteria was the r.m. planner.

i was on a mission, but not that kind of mission.  i carried it around for a full half hour before convincing myself that my dire need out-weighed the level of nerdness i would reach by making the purchase.  i justified in every way putting it back.  but my obsessive-list-making self won the battle.  i bought the planner.

i thought i could cover my tracks by placing a large very cool sticker on the front.  cover up the too-large bold-face letters spelling out that i am a returned missionary who simply can't return to normal life without my pocket book planner.  but i was wrong.

saturday night, the musician {who deserves his own post in which i will fully explain the not-quite-fitting title} told me plainly i couldn't disguise that little book with just a band sticker.  at byu, things like that are just too well-known.  i laughed.

"wanna bet? one big ingrid michaelson sticker will do the trick!"

but i was wrong.  oh so absolutely wrong.

this morning in family finance, i sat next to my current internship partner.  as i looked over tomorrow's activities, she reached over and exclaimed {not quietly}, "i know that planner!!"

yes, yes, i am a nerd.  the twenty-one-year-old who has not served a mission carrying around a returned missionary planner - complete with sections for specific goal setting.  i'm still going to find stickers.  cool ones.  and until then, i'll keep the front page folded back for those who are slightly out of practice when it comes to detecting that unmistakable thick spiral binding.

my consolation: it made the musician laugh.  and i dearly love to hear people laugh.