every now and again i'm compelled to go back through my stacks and read my writing from past years. today, sitting on a bed in an apartment that's mostly vacant (and soon an apartment for which i won't have to pay rent) i found myself doing just that - leafing back through my old blog. today, i was reading through a specific time period.
one year ago (plus a month) i was getting ready to leave for seattle. my husband (then boyfriend) was leaving for japan for the summer and at the time i wasn't sure if our relationship would continue past that point. and i didn't know how i felt about that uncertainty, either. i remember the feeling - mostly because i wrote about it well. it seemed as though life was based on leaving and i longed for some sort of permanence.
i wrote about getting back on track with my health habits, not wanting to part with dearly-loved roommates, leaving my scale behind, and my thoughts on my eating disorder recovery.
in a discussion with my husband earlier today i said something along the lines of it just feels like i was still really naive right before i went to seattle. it changed something in me and i've grown so much.
and then on the bed reading my blog post from a year ago about moderation, self-forgiveness, confidence and self-love, i was taking notes (and taking to heart) what this girl was saying. sometimes we were better at some things than we are now, and it's funny when we don't remember.
that doesn't make much sense. what i'm trying to say (i think) is i realized that a year ago i had a pretty good (and healthy, really genuinely healthy) grip on parts of life that i struggle with from day to day the last while. and it surprised me when i started telling myself i should take the advice of the younger-me.
basically, where we are now is a product of where we've been (right?). but that doesn't mean that we're better in all areas. and it doesn't mean that we're worse in all areas, either. it just means different. and sometimes we have to relearn lessons over and over and over and over before they really stick, really get deep down in our heads and our hearts.
so i looked back. and realized that i'm relearning a lot of lessons that i really used to have a good, fairly firm grip on.
deep breath.
i'm not who i was. i'm who i am.
and it's okay to not be as on top of things as i was a year ago. and not just because of the space between. sure, the space of 13 months counts for something, but when there's no space between (take last week) and one minute i'm fine and dandy and looking at how far i've come and the next i'm wallowing in distress because i'll never be good enough, it's okay. it's okay that there isn't space between.
that was quite a ramble.
the whole take-home here is just that i'm okay the way i am at this very instant. disregarding where i was yesterday or a year ago, i'm okay right now - wherever and however i am.
and so are you, yaknow?
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