i interrupt this series to bring you...

a little discussion on dating.

i know, thrilling, right?  i thought you'd think so.

story time!

when: last saturday, 9:00 pm to 12:00 pm

with: we'll call him mr. f.  {no, not mr. ferrars, he's elusive}

scheduled: saturday, 7:00 pm {last minute planner, apparently}

i had plans for saturday - quite, nice ones.  genni and i made delicious dinner together, had plans for homemade peanut butter hot chocolate {yes, i'm a fool for that stuff}, and redboxed the movie letters to juliet.  which is cheesy and charming!  perfect for a saturday night at home.  however, earlier in the day i was determined to convince someone to come rock climbing with me.  i've been wanting to for quite a while - it's an intriguing idea. unfortunately none of my gal friends were interested in learning by my side.

mr. f. called at around seven - about the time dinner was finished and the movie was starting.  he asked me to tag along while he went rock climbing that night, so. . . how could i resist? 

we finished the movie with just enough time for genni to help a frantic me decide which jeans would be the least hindering while climbing a wall.  and. there was still time for peanut butter hot chocolate after the date - that's an important fact.

to fill in, there is a little bit of background information important to the situation.  mr. f. has been asking me out since the beginning of last semester.  he's friendly, enthusiastic, entertaining, and kind of short.  for a while, these dates were consistent and despite the fact that i wasn't really attracted {at all}, i was determined to at least give him a chance.  soon, i was relieved of my obligation to ask him to stop paying for meals and such {i'd decided firmly that he was great friend material - but nothing more} because frequency began to wane considerably.  the strange thing is that it continued, just with decreasing frequency. . .and still does, sometimes often, sometimes quite a while will go by in between even a hello.  it's odd.  and i still can't figure out why it even continues to begin with - except the fact that i really wanted to go rock climbing. :)

anyway. . . i loved learning to climb.  it was exciting, new, and felt incredible!  i would love to go again, but only with someone who really knew how - like mr. f.  but i don't think i can push that any further and still feel morally correct.  i'm determined not to send signals in the direction of me wanting anything more.

i wish there were some kind of social LDS code for "hey! we like the same things and it's socially convenient for me to hang out with you, but i'm really not interested in anything but the social convenience and gain for myself."  selfish, i know.  but still - i would love to rock climb.  just not to encourage.

to get to the point, mr. f. kind of adds to my frustration with the unpredictability of the male species.  i know, i know, girls can be just as unpredictable.  but really? it doesn't seem that way to me.  i can't figure his motive to keep spending money on me for something that is clearly going nowhere.  i don't like instability.  i'm having a difficult time figuring out what's in his mind.

also. . . i wish there were another kind of code or sign for "hey. i really think you are quite a spectacular person and we would probably get  along great, so you should ask me out... or something like that."  because sometimes discrete signals just aren't quite received.  as i wish they were. yeah. :)

but that's another story!

all you need is love.

day nine.

question: what virtues do you value in yourself?

finding a way to answer this question is making me squirm a little bit.  to make myself squirm less, i'm going to pick one virtue i value in myself and use a very valid excuse: i've been listing the last several posts even though the challenge didn't ask me to.  so. . . for this one, i feel like i'm off the hook.

although sometimes it gets me into trouble, makes me look slightly ridiculous, or pushes me a little bit on the over-zealous side of the scale, i love.  i love easily, i love so many different things, and i love with all of me.  i'm grateful that i'm a passionate person and that i feel things with intensity.  maybe this seems like a bit of a contradiction: we are commanded to love one another and also to bridle our passions.  however.  i believe it is a virtue to be passionate about life - to truly take deep and powerful enjoyment in living.  i value that characteristic a great deal, and i'm thankful that i have enough love.

enough love for the people that will come into my life.

enough love for the places i'll go - the unusual and familiar.

enough love for all the different things i'll see, hear, smell, taste, and touch.

and enough love to love all the things i love in my past and all things held in the future.

and somewhere deep, i think i have that love for myself, too.  the love shelf just needs a good dusting-off, i think.

you always wanted to know my secret, didn't you?

day eight.

task: share a beauty secret.

...do i have a beauty secret??

okay, first thoughts: initially, this is what i typed: i'm in college, so naturally, i don't have a whole lot of time to spend on my looks...  then i thought this: wait, what am i thinking?  this says beauty secret, not physical appearance secret.  it seems this whole idea of breaking away from the idea that beauty is absolutely tied to physical appearance is a little tough.  but progress is progress!  and while there is physical beauty, that's not just what beauty is...

SO.

now to my real beauty secrets....

1. get enough sleep, eat lots of vegetables, and exercise enough for your body.

i think it's beautiful to see a woman who is wide awake and alive with energy!  and really, that's achieved through health.  that healthy glow that some women seem to just have is not really as random as i used to think.  it comes from truly taking care of your body, trusting your body, and doing what's best for yourself.

2.  take time to look presentable, then forget about what you look like.

there are so many things in this life more important than the way we look.  while it's important to look presentable {so you can feel confident}, it's easy to overdo it, too.  set a certain amount of time in the morning to spend on your appearance and after that time allotment, don't think about it again.  the most beautiful and attractive women are the ones paying attention to things outside of themselves - not to themselves.

3. smile.

it doesn't matter what you're teeth look like.  a smile brightens any face and most people's day.  the most beautiful women in the world smile - a lot.  smile at the people in the grocery store, smile at your cat when you're telling him not to chew up your friend's slippers {true story}, smile at the burned spatula you left on the frying pan {also true story}... you get the picture.  for me, especially when things have the potential to turn stressful {or even disastrous}, a smile can turn things into a laugh and dissolve all that built-up tension.  isn't life better if we laugh and smile at it, anyway? :)

some encouragement

day seven.

task: write a post to encourage another beautiful woman.

as usual, i can't choose just one.  i'm surrounded by so many beautiful, strong women - and really, we all need encouragement sometimes, don't we?  i feel like this entry has the potential to take over my whole blog!  but no worries.  i'll control myself.

my dear sabrina danielle,

          sometimes life likes to take us on a roller-coaster ride - even if we didn't pay for a ticket.  and sometimes {albeit less frequently}, the sky decides to drop a tornado on us at the same time.  but there are two important things to consider: science has shown that tornadoes can't last very long, and the longest roller-coaster in the world is only four minutes.  {which, granted, is a looong time for a roller-coaster, but stay with me.}  really, after a roller-coaster ride and a tornado, you might have crazy bad hair and a sore back for a couple days... but after that, think of the stories you could tell!  you know that everything happens for a reason, that each person we meet brings something to our lives that we need.  God knows what we need and when we need it.  always remember that i'm here for you no matter what - that you can come to me with anything and everything and i'll always love you!  you can do anything - one day at a time and with the help of all those who love you {which is a lot in case you were wondering ;)}.

all my love to you - cookies and ice cream and taxi services included.

love your jessi :)

starving for real beauty.

day six.

question: {jaded beauty.} has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

i'll admit it: i've been slightly apprehensive to answer this question.  it's one that i saw when i started the project (reading over the questions) and thought, wow... that one will be tough to tackle.  i don't have my thoughts completely together, but i'm going to give it a shot and hope it comes out making at least a tiny bit of sense.

at age sixteen, i was energetic, enthusiastic about life, and a perfectionist.  the problem didn't start as a desire to be thin, a dissatisfaction with my body, or even a conscious act.  in fact, i wasn't consciously aware of the strain i was placing on my body by limiting my food intake until my mother asked a very important question one night, a question that saved my life and started a new chapter.

she was sitting on the couch, and i was at her feet.  i was already emotionally weary.  it had been a long day, it was late at night, and my sixteen-year-old heart was broken so horribly it could never be repaired {or so i thought at the time}.  i don't remember what we were talking about.  i simply remember her interrupting the subject to place her hand on my shoulder and ask, jessica, why haven't you been eating?

i sobbed.  teenage mascara running down my face, hands and feet tingling from lack of oxygen, tissue box at my feet, i sobbed good and hard.

the truth was, i had no idea.  i didn't know why i hadn't finished a meal in the last several months. i had no idea why i had been so obsessive about buying a smaller jeans size.  reflecting in that moment i knew it was true, but i didn't know why.

once i tried to break the habit and started to form normal eating habits again, i realized how much the disorder had affected my perception of beauty, of myself and other women.  i had not been viewing myself or the women around me as daughters of God, beautiful human beings with the inborn potential to nurture, love, and create life.  i had been seeing myself and others as mere objects - machines that badly needed perfecting.

it was a slow process to change that mindset.

the journey isn't over yet.  but i'm a happier and healthier traveler now than i was five years ago, two years ago, even a year ago.

today, i'm working diligently to eat three meals a day, to exercise enough for my body each day.  i'm being flexible about what i eat, finding the balance between healthy food and still living a little.  i'm trying to consciously find a few things about my body to be thankful for every day {no matter how small}.  

today, i can say i have some theories.  my in-depth study of eating disorders from a social science perspective has given me a little window into my past.  through this i can see glimpses of the warning signs, the predictors, and the recovery stages.

today, i can say i work hard to be healthy.  some days it's a massive daunting challenge and others i feel the freedom of a healthy and correct view of myself.  but overall, i'm in upward motion - each down day isn't as down as the previous, each good one is higher than the last.

the world's definition of beauty stains each of us a little differently, i think.  it's the process of washing away those stains that molds who we are - little by little.  with the help of our Savior, overcoming any challenge is possible.  especially for healing the taint the world's definition of beauty leaves on the soul, His help is necessary.  because to Him, we are all beautiful.  defects, faults, and all, He takes us as we are, willing to save us each individually.

and that's the miracle: that no matter how stained, we can always develop an eye to see our own beauty and that of others.  little by little, day by day, holding His hand.

wake up, my heart

day five.

task: write a post thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.

is it possible to name one?

there have been so many people who have touched my heart.  however, i think the phrase make my heart come alive is one that requires a little more depth.  there have been a few, for certain, and to those individuals i am always grateful.  it was they who helped me to truly feel alive.  they helped me to be myself, trust my heart, and gave me wings.

to louisa may alcott:  to this incredible woman i will always be thankful.  her story, little women, made my heart come alive at a young age.  i soared with her characters' success and cried at their loss.  this was one of the first books to truly make my heart come alive.

to j.r.r. tolkien:  little women may have been one of the first to reach deep inside me, but the work of this incredible man stirred my heart so much that it started a lengthy obsession.  i'm still moved by his writing, deeply.  i'm thankful to him for creating characters that speak to me of unlikely heroes {even in the smallest}, of companionship and courage in the face of unlikely success, of hope and freedom and sacrifice.

to a boy i once loved: true friendship can make the heart soar.  i'll always be thankful to this boy for being a true friend, for accepting me just as i was, for encouraging me to be better, and for leaving me when it was necessary.  friendships, especially those that come into our lives to teach us and leave once we've learned, are some of the most awakening things this earthly experience has to offer.

to isa sandra moskowitz, terry hope romero, and rebecca bent:  these women made my heart come alive several years ago and still do today.  these are the authors of vegan cupcakes take over the world.  add to this of women my incredible sister, lori, for gifting the book to me upon my high school graduation.  once i started baking, i simply couldn't stop.  they helped show me that i could love food.  they showed me that food could make people happy.  and to this day i'm grateful for that.

to angela liddon:  this woman is an inspiration.  she's reached the very deep parts of my heart and shown me that there is hope for happiness and peace with myself.  she's a blogger, a baker, a runner, and a beacon of light to anyone that's suffered eating disorders and body image issues.  reading her writing awakens me in a way that makes me want to do something.  it motivates me to live, to love, to really wake up.

these are just a few - there are so so many people that helped my heart to wake up, little by little, and i'm thankful for each of them.  God brings people to our lives in interesting ways, always for a reason.  and because of that, i'll always be grateful to Him.