go take a look!

i guest-posted today over at cardigan empire as part of a beauty-full series - a very big honor.

go here to check it out!

...aaaand let me know what you think.

nearing the end...

the best thing about today so far: my last class canceled.

the worst thing about today so far: i only have time to write one of the four essays due at three.

what i'm doing to make up for it: praying really really hard.  {and studying my brains out for this final}

also, big accomplishment - last night at 1:30 am. i finished the last research paper of my undergraduate career.  and i think i'll feel the relief more after everything else is finished... because it hasn't even started to hit me yet how almost done i am.

the last of the last of EVER.

yes. this is it.

the very last week of school for the rest of my {bachelor's degree} existence.  and for the record, i've only thought about smashing a professor's head with a 2x4 a few times.  and it was only one professor.

i have seven papers to write this week.  yes, thank heaven none of them are over five pages.  {i can do five pages! i can do that!}

today was the last time i made the three-...more like four-hour drive from ivins to happy valley, and it'll be the last for a long, long time.  which... yes, you'd think would be bittersweet.  after all, i've found a lot of happiness in provo.  i've found more love in provo than i ever expected - in more ways than i'd dared to hope for.  and the overwhelming emotion upon looking back at my two and a half years here is joy.

so yes, it is a little bittersweet to leave.  luckily, what's waiting for me after i leave provo is enough of an incentive to encourage me to throw caution to the wind, put on a wedding dress, and do the reminiscing after i've left behind these tall snow-covered mountains.

really, right there's not room in my brain for almost anything but homework.

and wedding.

and taylor.

okay.  really there's not room for anything BUT taylor and wedding.  and i'm just trying to squeeze the homework and finals  parts in long enough to get passing grades this semester and then WAHOO!

graduated and married.

goodness... all these changing labels.  no more a student {in the formal sense}.  no longer a girlfriend, no longer just a roommate.

but a wife... yeah, that's a scary thought sometimes, that's for sure.

and... a texan?  is that even what they call themselves?

i'll be honest, i don't know if i can claim that one.  i'm a utahn.  and i claim that more than a little.

yep.  bring on the stereotypes.  i might not claim all those, but it's true.  i'll always be a utahn at heart.


...and just to clarify, i purposefully refute the female utahn reputation of big hair.  please, girls, go brush those rats out and throw away that awful piece of plastic.

ps. engagement pictures coming soon!

home again, home again...

friday afternoon, ari, me, natalie and paige packed up our cars and headed south for a fun weekend at home.  my sisters had planned a bridal shower for me on saturday {prefaced by an appointment with the cake lady where ari and i sampled four different kinds of delicious wedding cake}.

after a whole afternoon of opening gifts and enjoying the beautiful decorations and delicious food my sisters had prepared, i came to two conclusions: 1) i am incredibly blessed, and 2) people are so generous.  some of these women i haven't seen in several years and others have been friends with my mom, but have never really had a relationship withe me personally.  and yet, they gave gifts and advice that were thoughtful, high quality, useful, and much needed.

so just to start a little early thanks-giving, i'm thankful for the women in my life.  my sisters know how to make me happier than ever, and learning from the examples of each of these women was meaningful.

and now i'm home again.  everyone but me drove back up to happy valley today.  thanks to byu's power to declare tuesday a friday, i don't have class this coming week at all.  not that i've gone this last week, really... but still.  it's relieving to know that i'm not going to class and not missing class this week.

i'm happy to be back with my cats, and my mom and dad, and as usual, my clinging to hailey is already making her go crazy.  i'm also already missing my morning run {which always is a little hard to catch at home}.  and missing taylor... but not for long!!

found this on pinterest a few days ago, and it gave me shivers.

it made me want to really wake up.

because i'm a believer.

family and cheese.

i'm blessed, and also a little crazy.

tonight i went to dinner with my mom and natalie, and really talked.  we talked about my upcoming wedding {the food, the decoration...}, we talked about ethnocentrism and the beauty of different cultures, and about the movie anonymous {which i want to see SO badly}.

and now, here i am sitting in my underwear because i ate so much at dinner.  i get upset sometimes because i have more than one day at a time in which i exercise and eat really well {and start feeling really great}, and then i go and blow it with one massive meal with more cheese than one cow could produce in a lifetime.  not that we get cheese ...directly from cows.  i know where cheese comes from.  but you know what i mean.  a lot of cheese.

so.  while my shirt is uncomfortable over my protruding stomach for the next couple of days, i just need to remember that i am blessed.  with good family and good company.  and next time we want to go out for a treat, i'll suggest somewhere without so much cheese.

what i've been up to lately

provo's getting colder and colder.  the mountains have been white for the past few weeks - not just a little dusting on top, either.

aaaand as the holidays get closer, something else is getting closer, too.

it's been a while since i've written.  and in that little while, a whole lot has happened.  taylor visited the first week in october, and while he was here he put a little something sparkly on a special finger {with my consent, of course}.  and i couldn't be happier.  we're getting married in the saint george temple on december 29th, 2011.

story to follow, i promise.

so lately, {obviously} i've been up to quite a bit.  in december, i'll be graduating from byu, getting married, and moving to a far away land...not quite as far away as japan though.  i've been trying to maintain passing grades in my classes {more difficult than it's ever been}, working wedding plans long distance with everyone, and generally going crazy adjusting to the idea of being a wife.  i'm excited, that's for sure.  and so at peace, too.

unfortunately during all this doing, i haven't been finishing any writing.  when i logged onto blogger, it kindly informed me that i had four recent posts saved as drafts that hadn't been published yet.  at least there's proof i've been trying! ;)  but i'm going to start.  probably not a whole lot... but you know.  a little at least.  which means more than once every month and a half!

also, taylor flies to utah in eight days.  and counting.

a few little weekly successes

yesterday, i was school-productive from eight am until six pm, and after that i did other very productive things that didn't have to do with school {big, big improvement from my usual}.  today, i got an 85% on a test that i didn't study for {and have an attendance rate of about 50%}.  oh, and i think i might have found a job today... cross your fingers for me.  it's been a pretty good week.  life's going a good way lately.  busy busy busy, as usual, but i'm happy.  that's for sure.

and a have a feeling this weekend is going to be pretty darn great, too.

tomorrow, i pick up taylor from the airport in salt lake city, and i'm practically counting the hours.  i'm debating going to any of my classes because i know i'll be so distracted anyway, but then... yeah, i should go.  i've already started a bad little habit of missing quite a bit of class this semester that i'm desperately attempting to remedy.

one hour of strength training today.  and it was a rainy day that reminded me so much that there is a massive difference between utah rain and seattle rain.  i'm glad i grew up {and am back} with the good kind.

i'm getting in the habit of writing again!

and also really loving peppermint patty green monsters this week.

excuses.

so this whole blogging a lot thing was really short-lived, huh?

i have excuses, don't worry.  see, i was really sick {see previous post}, and then when i started to get better i realized everything i missed while i was sick.  like homework, and lots of it.  but really... i haven't done a whole lot yet.  but i have been running more - and it feels really really good.  i'm remembering the self-control it takes to pull myself out of bed every morning before the sun comes up to run.  at least, i remember that self-control, even if i haven't quite unearthed it yet.

so there's that.  and... i've been catching up with my roommates because i quarantined myself to my room the whole week i was sick so no one would catch what i had and have to suffer, too.  on a side note, i'm not sure that was the greatest idea as it caused me to eat very, very, very little for an entire week.  which made me cry.  but i guess in retrospect, i was kind of too sick to actually get up and eat anything, anyway.

but i guess mostly, i've been too busy being in love to write a whole lot.  yep, IN LOVE!  so... i'm still going to be writing.  after all, it's my last semester and i have to finish documenting the journey that i started at the very first of school in happy valley.  also, this blog is looking a little blah to me lately... again.  so i might find time to do a little colorful tweaking.  good idea, no?

sick sick sick

sometimes, you're body just says, "enough is enough! go to your room for a week!"  and while i wouldn't really listen to anyone else telling me that, when my body does. . . i kind of have to listen.

i've been sick {in bed} since getting back from ivins on monday night.  a couple of my sisters were feeling a little under the weather while i was there, and my niece and nephew had been sick.  but really, it was nothing big to worry about - just a mild sore throat that stuck around or a 24 hour flu.

so, really, who knows what i caught?

i can tell you it's nothing fun.  last night as i was taking out my contacts, i couldn't remember which eye was my right eye and i decided i really was sick of being sick and tired.  just done with it.  however, i'm also determined not to confine myself to my room again.  the tower of tissues next to my bed isn't great company.  so i let myself sleep again this morning, but i'm going to finally unpack today.  do a few small things around the house... take lots of naps if i get tired.  make myself green smoothies, down emergenC like sick fish, and keep some zinc drops on hand.

being sick does have a few benefits:
instead of being in class, i was helping erika choose a duvet cover and came across the most incredible anthropologie sale i've ever seen.  yes, i'll be stalking the ups man.
i finally started the book total money makeover by dave ramsey and i fully expect it to help me change my financial life.
aaaand... yeah, those are the only benefits i can think of.

i'm going to try not to think about how much homework i have to makeup, and i'm going to venture out of my room a little bit {which is big, for this week}.

here's to green smoothies and cough drops.  i'll be blogging sneeze-free soon.

i like this jessica better

first, the canker sore on my lip has officially reached the "people probably think my lip is deformed" stage.  not that you can see it, but it's drastically impairing my ability to speak normally... or at all.  ouch.  it really is pretty bittersweet that the juiciest sweetest plum of the season caused me to bite my lip so hard it bled.  and really, that line is not as metaphorical as it sounds or should be.  i really ate the most incredible plum ever, and i really did bite my lip and it bled.  a lot.

and if i said that in church, my sister would hold up a massive sign from the back of the room that read "TMI!"  but this isn't church.  it's a blog.  and on the blog we can basically say whatever we want and nothing is too much information, right?? ...erm.

moving on.

i'm addicted to baking.  no worries, this post isn't nearly as serious as it already sounds.  i'm not being literal.  although food has become the greatest excuse not to do homework the past two and a half weeks.  see, there were many things i was deprived of while i was in seattle.  {also, there's a positive seattle experience post in the making.  no, it wasn't all horrible.  just sometimes..in someways..you know.} one of these deprivations was a drastic lack of me cooking or baking anything.  that's right.  you know your soul is slowly dying and it's time to make some drastic changes when you go for that long without getting giddy over what's coming out of the oven.  or, at least i do.

but i'm making up for it.

in the past several days, i've made raspberry cornmeal pancakes with celestial cream, banana chocolate chip muffins, falafel with tzatziki sauce, and a massive batch of monster cookies.  oh yeah, and italien breakfast sandwiches.  ask me about those later!

really, not only am i enjoying food more than i have in well, a really long time, i'm also eating in pure guilt-free moderation.  disclaimer: no one is perfect.  ever.  but i've hit this blissful balance the last week or so between being healthy and eating all the foods i love {love and either have always restricted or binged on}.  it's this awesome stress-free mental food umbrella - being able to eat what i love when i'm hungry stop when i'm full.

it's strange, too.

see, i've had a lot of sugar lately, in retrospect.  and it's not like i've stayed at an ideal calorie intake or really been working out to my personal satisfaction.  the cool thing is that it doesn't matter much anymore.  not that being healthy doesn't matter, but my perspective has changed so much.  healthy isn't eating a perfect diet anymore; healthy is eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.

and look at that.

without even intending to, i've worded what i've been attempting to put into language since the end of the summer: health isn't perfection anymore, it's eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.  and it's being happy about it, too!

ideology shift?

i think so.  and it's in a really good direction.  so, i'm taking this moment to celebrate.  i didn't sit down with the intention to write about my eating disorder recovery, but that's what came out.  i've changed over the summer.  natalie said it best about two weeks ago.  she said, i like this jessica better.  the one who'll eat cupcakes with me and not care about how much sugar they have in them because they are so good!  that's paraphrased, but you get the idea.  i'm a more relaxed individual, now.  i'm more me, less... less obsessive and stressed.  because when i let go of all those expectations of perfect everything for myself, i became a little closer to the real me.  and that's the real point, here.

isn't it?

so that's it.  i'm reestablishing my relationship with food {and my own awesome body}.  and also, i love to bake.  hey, look - back to the beginning.  what i meant to write about was this:  this week, i can't wait to go to sunflower market and check out their all-natural meat section.  also, i can't wait to delve into a few unopened cookbooks to figure out how to cook the meat!  and because i love to see things come out of the oven i'm also going to be making white cheddar rosemary scones and chocolate chip apricot scones.  incredible, i know.

and i'm going to have some left-over falafel for dinner.

and the point of this whole post: i love food and i'm happy.

at the same time.

happy eating! :)

pancake saturdays reestablished.

saturday morning pancake roommate breakfasts - one of the best traditions ever established in my life outside of the my family.  today, the pancake tradition was brought back to life!  like i've already said, i'm so happy to be living with these girls again.  the difference between living with people who want to love each other and living with people who are decidedly indifferent is like the difference between living in australia and sibera.  and that analogy might only work for those of us who find the outback appealing... anyway, i feel like i spent quite a bit of time in siberia this summer, and it's good to be back in the sun.

to celebrate being all back in provo, the four of us planned a little weekend extravaganza. guru's for dinner {one of the best veggie burritos in provo}, pirates of the carribbean at the {two} dollar theater, and a few epic games of speed scrabble {with several new variations to bump up the competition}.  oh! and i can't forget the banana smoothies topped with fudge at one a.m. .... and the disney princess youtube videos.  yeah.

this morning topped off our little celebration when we brought back our weekend pancake tradition.  every weekend, we rotate making pancakes for each other.  this week was my week.  raspberry cornmeal pancakes with chocolate chips and celestial cream - yum? yeah.


lately, more than anything, i'm grateful for these people:

• erika {the newest addition - bio coming soon}, who is just as big a foodie as me.  we spent a solid two hours last night passionately drooling over each other's favorite food stories.  fresh patries in spain, seattle's best greek food, conveyer belt sushi bars, molly moon's worth-a-million-dollar ice cream, and beecher's cheese factory... we are two women who have a very mutual passion for beautiful food.
• genni, who gives the most amazing back rubs.  i love her peacefulness and her nightgowns.
• ariana, the provider of our speed scabble/bananagrams obsession.  beautiful, sensible and grounding.  i think our apartment would be more emotionally out of control without her logical mind.
• taylor, who is my sanity.  i'm also extremely grateful for the ability to text, to talk on the phone without internet static interruptions, and a much more workable time-zone connection.  he motivates me to learn and helps me remember i love the social sciences during my last semseter.  he helps me regain composure when i'm freaking out, and puts perspective on my decision-making process by reminding me i don't have to know everything right now.
• natalie.  who provides yet another layer of emotional comfort and support this semester.  living with people i love is only exemplified by the fact that we can't stay away from each other because we have so much darn fun together!  homework parties, excursions to the chocolate and the mall... yes, yes i love to live by natalie again.
• hailey, who texts me at night and always reminds me i'm loved from home, too.
• my parents - who take me out to breakfast and still usually answer their phones even though i call them multiple times a day - sometimes.

basically, i'm feeling loved right now.  it's been so long since i've been surrounded by people who care about me, and it just feels so darn good!

just as good as raspberry cornmeal pancakes.

2 nephi 22:2

behold, God is my salvation; i will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he has also become my salvation.

a month in review.

august flew by, filled with wonderfulness.  sometimes, i don't write because life comes at me too fast to process, live, and write about it at the same time.  sometimes i don't write because i'm in the depths of despair. but in august, i didn't write because life got so good it simply demanded my full attention!

the month started with the end of the flourishing families project.  it was a whirl, and looking back, it's all slightly blurred.  one thing i can say is i was glad to see it go.  it was an incredibly defining life experience for me.  and {as usual} those are the ones we're happiest to have done be finished with.  i'll miss seattle, and i'll always remember the experience.  i'll value what i learned this summer.  and i was glad to have the experience end.

only a few days after the end of my internship, taylor {formerly known as the musician - he has a good name, so i might as well use it!} came back from adventuring in japan to visit me in seattle!  it was a long-awaited reunion, and worth every bit of over three months of waiting.  after showing him some of my favorite spots in the emerald city, we drove to central oregon to spend a week with his family.  hiking, making fabulous food, pictures and stories and souvenirs from japan, movies at night and games during the day made an amazing week.

after an eighteen hour day of driving, we arrived in ivins - home sweet home.  most of the week in ivins was made up of packing and sorting... over the years i've acquired too much stuff, and it was time to condense what i was keeping at my parent's house.  besides sitting in a room full of boxes, taylor and i went to a play at tuacahn.  they did a great job of making the little mermaid enjoyable to all ages - and up-to date with a new feminist ending.  not sure how i felt about it.  we also made more than one trip to kneaders, ate at the adobe ice box, and i had my first taste of nelson's frozen custard.  it's crazy that i've never been there before!  after my first taste, i'm sure i'll be back for more.  also, going through all those boxes would have gotten pretty tedious {and probably have taken much less time} if we hadn't had a good supply of movies!  we watched mega mind, a knight's tale, tangled, and you again? {which was hilarious and so so strange}.

really, a week home is never enough time to spend with my family, but byu is like a magnet sometimes.  i just couldn't stay away from my beloved university.  thick on the sarcasm there.  really, though.  coming back to provo had its good and bad.  i was thrilled to see genni and ari and to meet the new addition to our fdl apartment: erika from seattle {go figure}.  i was not, however, very happy to take taylor to the airport.  the {almost} three weeks we spent together was happier than i even imagined it would be, and saying goodbye is never easy for me.  after i stopped crying, i came home, accepted a cream-filled doughnut from genni, and started to unpack - like crazy.

that was a week ago, and i'm almost finished!  the first week of school has me realizing i'm going to be digging for motivation this semester.

and also making cupcakes, looking under rocks for work, and reviving some old hobbies.

august was almost unbeatable, but in the words of dr. gibson "now you can take time to recover and enjoy it all!"  and i plan to.  happy september!

i finally love it here.

last saturday, my internship officially ended.  a month ago, i would have given anything to be right here right now.  but then the sun came out.

i've been packing, starting to clean, and getting distracted by beautiful seattle all week already.  now it comes to it, i'm not so sure i want to leave.  i'm realizing all the things i'm going to desperately miss.

like in the early mornings, the man in the gym that doesn't speak any english, but always has a massive smile and loves his grandchildren more than anything in the world.

the misting - there's no such things as sprinkling rain here, i've decided.  it doesn't sprinkle, it mists.  and sometimes that mist is so mysterious and beautiful.

driving down the 5 today, i realized how much i'll miss driving in seattle, too.  now don't get me wrong - driving in seattle can excessively obnoxious.  it's prevented me from eating ice cream more than twice this summer.  although i'm not sure if that's good or bad.  but when you're on the 5 driving south, the view of the city is breath-taking.  with the water surrounding it and sailboats blowing on the water... it's a sight burned into my memory that i'd die to come back and experience again someday.

i'd still never live here, if it was my preference.  the rain is just too much for me most months.  but my families were right - this city sparkles in the sunshine!

at the moment, my room's still a slight disaster area, although i think i'm starting to see sense in my madness.  the kitchen's still dirty, and i need to find a way to remove the nails in the wall.  but i'm procrastinating.  i don't like to pack, and now i don't want to go away quite so quickly, either.

it took a while, but now i really do love seattle.

gelato nostalgia

bring on the sun!
this week, seattle is sparkling.  i find myself thinking, "yeah... yeah, i could stay here for a long time..."
and then i remember the last three and a half months of grey and rain and freezing humid cold and tell myself to come back to reality.  really, as gorgeous as the emerald city is in the "summer," i'm too much of a desert rat to live in a rain forest.

this afternoon {despite all the scrambling to finish everything from office work and interviews to packing, moving, and cleaning}, victoria and i decided that sunshine demanded we eat gelato.  so, i put down my almost finished class-work {please, 399r, get out of my life}, she stopped frantically trying to sell everything flourishing families owns, and we took a little {hourlong} trip to wallingford.  which has within the last several weeks, become one of my favorite parts of seattle.  it's almost tied with fremont.

the fainting goat was good to us.

and really, how awesome is that sign?  definitely double points for artistic taste.  not to mention the incredible gelato flavors: honey rose, nutella, virgin mojito, salted caramel, and so so many more.  my tastebuds were tingling.

while in the gelato shop, "hello, seattle" by owl city came on the radio - a provo classic.  suddenly, a massive wave of nostalgia hit me and i realized how sad i am to be leaving this unique city and beautiful experience.  we spent the rest of the time reminiscing about the whole trip - start to finish.

also, this summer i've found a new love for waffle cones.  when you're feeling slightly indulgent, nothing does it like a waffle cone.

speaking of extras like that... i'm in a fight with food blogs lately.  because american women can't separate pleasure from calories and calories from weight.  and half the time the word "calorie" replaces the word "food" even on blogs that claim to be simply for the love of the substance without weight-watching connotations.  not that being aware is wrong.  i've been hyper aware of how messed up our food media is lately.

but who wants to spoil a good gelato posts with talk like that?  not me... so, forget that and let's enjoy that upside down goat!

{of course, saving that conversation for later...}

also, this was an absolutely great little tea shop next door.  i think i want that clock in my apartment.. because after all, it's always T time!  :)

race #2

i did a really ambitious thing yesterday.

i wanted to run a half marathon at the end of the summer - train while i was in seattle.  but... that didn't happen.  it might have been a really good thing - it could have been a good stress outlet, forced me to keep my eating habits in check, and probably would have helped me fit into some of clothes that are just too  snug at the moment.  but it also could have been a disaster.  it might have stressed me out more because i wasn't eating well enough to feel good while running so much.  it could have taken too much time, and goodness knows i did NOT need another demand on my time this summer.

but it didn't happen.  and really, there's no use going over the what if's.

but, now it's going to happen.

i spent the last month letting myself be slowly persuaded by mindy {who is my inspiration} to run the halloween half marathon in provo.  two days before halloween.  after all, who doesn't want to run thirteen miles in a costume?

yesterday, i signed up!

i'm not as nervous as i thought i'd be.  something about the enthusiasm of my roommates {who also signed up, without any running experience at all} gives me a little boost of confidence.  it'll be a good thing - a good goal to help my body feel strong again.

and i get to wear a costume!

this morning: 3 miles around greenlake.  it's only up from here! :)

meat

today, i'm eating italien chicken sausage, and a slice of turkey.  {both from happy animals.}

and that's a really, really big deal!

some days, meat tastes absolutely divine to me.  others, i can barely get it past my gag reflex.  but we're working, here!  baby steps...

also a delicious salad with grape tomatoes and banana peppers (my favorite pepper ever).

i've decided there's no way to politely eat a grape tomato...
or a slice of meat for that matter.

i'm just not good at politely eating meat.  and i need to work on that before eating it in public.

bon appetit!

wherein dr. day restores my sanity.

today is a glorious day.

today is glorious for two reasons.

1) i woke up to an amazing thunderstorm.  really, if you're going to be cloudy, bring the thunder with you!  while i don't do rain so well, i adore thunder.

2) we're going home early!!


really, it's just about the best thing that ever happened to me.  after vacation, i've been feeling severely ready to leave.  although i'll admit, i've found my love for this place {in a very sudden and large way}, i'm also extremely excited to be moving on.  sometimes, that time just comes, and when it comes, there is simply no sense in dragging things on.

dr. day understands this.  in fact, he seems to understand this better than most of the general population.  see, when he came in to work today, he said, "this is the end."  and he meant it.  no more dragging everything on for another three weeks. after this week, we'll be finished up with our work and after next, we'll all be having a party and heading home!  ten days left in seattle.

only ten days.

and that is very, very doable.

dr. day, i love you.

my long absence

it's been an interesting summer.

i blog, i stop... i blog about not blogging, then i stop again.

but i think i've started to understand why i just haven't been able to get myself to blog lately.  my sister told me last week,

"there's a time to write and a time to experience.  you're just experiencing right now."


i think that's a big part of it.  after doing everything i'm doing everyday, there just isn't enough in me most days to sit down and write about it.  it's taken all my emotional energy to DO.

then, there's another part, too.  this summer has changed me.  enough that i might call it an ideological shift.  according to social science research, those don't happen often in people's lives.  maybe once, very rarely twice, and sometimes people go through life without ever experiencing something that makes them question who they are in relation to everyone else in the world.

this summer, the shift has been rather gradual, but looking back now, it seems to override all the other experiences i've had while living in seattle.  it's hard to even put words to it... i'm just simply not the same.

it has quite a bit to do with my inner state of peace, with my relativity to others around me.  the fact that i know i can't compete with the world anymore, so i might as well live in peace with it.  it has quite a bit to do with deciding not to go to graduate school and to explore other options to live and love what i'm living.  it has loads to do changing the way i eat.

i feel like i'm still kind of ... grasping at air trying to put my hands on it sometimes.  which really, can get frustrating because most of the time i'm not sure how to live, now that the way i used to live isn't right for me anymore.

through all of this, the thought of writing it down has been a little ridiculous.  and yet, i couldn't really write about anything else because of how unimportant it all seemed in comparison.  so, the simple solution was to stop writing for long periods of time.

i've been thinking really hard about coming back lately.  back to provo, back to ivins, first.  back to school, back to the blog.  and when i've thought about coming back to the blog, more often than not i've thought about not coming back at all.  it feels like i've outgrown the roots of this blog.

paisley: my first description stated that i was the pattern - that during life, it always seemed so chaotic; it didn't make sense.  but when i looked above, stepped back, i could see the pattern.  my life was the pattern.

while that's a cute philosophy, it's just not me anymore.

i'm refusing to be a part of anything approaching chaos.

i've fantasized at times about never coming back to the blog again once my journey through school is over.  it's certain now.  the initial goal was to make it through college.  i'm almost there.  come december, i'll finish my last class and walk out of byu, for good.  after that, it's goodbye, paisley.

i'm not sure if i'll start another, but i have plenty of time to think about that!

i hope i'm back consistently, at this point.  but i can't be sure.  when one is ideologically unsteady, you never can tell when things are going to tilt off-balance again and send me into another bout of emotional overload.  but i can hope that doesn't happen.  and as long as it doesn't, i'm back for at least another five months!

the city of roses

this week, my focus is on keeping things simple.  i have a few big projects to get underway before my family comes to visit in a week, so cutting out all the unnecessary fluff will help tremendously, i'm sure.  it's also a big list-making week {to make sure i actually reach my goals}.

even though the idea of independence day in seattle, was thrilling, i opted for a holiday in another just-as-cool city.  i spent the long weekend with hannah's family {a fellow research assistant} in portland, oregon.  the plan formed a little over two weeks ago - hannah, gregory, me and victoria would drive down to the city of roses right after work on friday - not to return to work until tuesday.  the plan soon included brittany and victoria's friend ty {who spontaneously visited from alberta canada}.  together, the six of us made a fabulous group for adventuring.

because we're into list-making around here...

friday:  we made our quick getaway after office hours (our three-times-a-week morning work meeting).  sadly, the three hour drive to portland took us more than five hours because of holiday traffic added to seattle's unpredictable traffic times.  after driving through the city, we drove to more central oregon where we hiked angel's rest, an absolutely stunning view of the rivers and mountains.  incredible introduction to the trip!  already tired and hungry at 9:00pm, we drove to hannah's house where vegetarian pizza was waiting for us on the kitchen table.

saturday:  portland exploration!  beginning with pancakes {made by gregory and hannah courtesy of the bradford's kitchen} and filled with saturday market {which to-date, is one of the coolest things i've ever done}.  i came away from the market with incredibly fresh greek cuisine, a bracelet handmade from a danish tea can, earrings and a barrette made from spoons, a sunburn, and sore feet.  oh, and an insatiable desire for a coffee bag messenger bag, dreadlocks, and henna paste.  we filled the afternoon with powell's books {largest bookstore in the united states}, and voodoo doughnuts {funky vegan doughnut shop with just about everything imaginable - good and bad}.  as we came home, we realized we were in for a treat staying with the bradford family: black bean chipotle burgers with rice and black bean salad and pasta pesto salad - complete with texas sheet cake and ice cream for dessert.

sunday: sunday i woke up late {score for me - i only did this once the whole vacation!}, scrambled to get ready for church, and enjoyed an early sacrament meeting.  we hurried back to the bradford's for sanwhiches and to pack up some fruit and change, and we were off to the oregon coast!  ...with a quick stop at the tillamook dairy factory to supplement {free self-guided tour, free cheese, free ice cream}.  the day at the beach was glorious.  clear skies, sand, cliffs, and big waves.  we sat on our blanket and visited, rolled up our pants and played in the {diminished} waves, climbed through a tunnel, and caught some sun.  actually, the sun caught me - my skinny jeans only rolled up so far... thus, i now have the world's dorkiest three-quarter-calf sunburn line.  and it's not even gradual - nope, one straight line of bright red burn.  haven't figured out how to get rid of that one yet...

monday: HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!  truthfully, one of the most memorable independence holidays i've had in my short lifetime.  mr bradford woke us with the smell of breakfast: soughdough french toast with fresh strawberries and pure maple syrup, vegetarian sausage, scrambled eggs, and orange juice.  after breakfast, we pulled out hannah's henna paste and painted ourselves pretty.   then we packed our bags again and hit the road - back to the gorge!  the hike we chose this time was the most magnificent i've ever seen - a lifetime highlight.  after looping behind a massive waterfall to start, we trekked up switchbacks for {what seemed like} days.  coming to an overlook, we could see three waterfalls, only several feet separating them, tumbling down hundreds of feet.  after gaping at the sight for a few minutes, we trudged on, eager to see what other glories the end of the hike held.  after some time, as we reached the end of the trail, coming very near the edge of the waterfalls.  we decided to get just a little closer.  and that idea had us sitting in between the three waterfalls hanging our feet over the massive cliff while eating clementines, snapping pictures of our feet hanging over the edge and laughing.  we simply couldn't get enough of this tumbling river.  so we hiked upstream {literally on the rocks in the river} till we found an ideal spot for rock sculptures.  we built for quite a while, took pictures of each, brittany fell in the river while crossing to the other side, and we decided to find the trail and head back.  six hours after we started hiking, we arrived back at the falls and decided we simply couldn't leave without seeing multnomah falls.  it was an incredible sight!  tired and sore again, we drove home and arrived to moroccan lentil stew with curry and apricots inside half an acorn squash accompanied by corn on the cob, greek quinoa salad and macaroni salad.  after that, we enjoyed home-made lime-basil sorbet while playing mexican train.  fireworks in the park followed shortly after, and we ended the day by lighting off some of our own little fireworks and dancing in the street with sparklers.  really, one of the best holiday vacations - i'll remember it forever.

tuesday: we packed up and headed home!  and this time, the three hour drive only took three hours.

and now i'm back in sunny seattle, where it's finally realized that it should have been summer for the last three months.  that means it's warmed up - a little.  sadly, you miss what you once wished away, and at the moment i'm wishing the heat and humidity would back off until we figure out our dysfunctional air conditioner.

to take my mind off my sweatiness, i'm making plans - and goals:

homemade pita bread tomorrow
cupcakes and sweet potato casserole on friday {to celebrate ffp's thanksgiving in july, of course}
internship course all caught up before family vacation...

and last of all, get rid of this blasted cold sore! second of the year... which {i guess} really makes me grateful i'm passed the years where that would have been mild.

happy {finally} summer, everyone!

while scanning...

tonight, i'm celebrating a surprise package from my wonderful mother!

one of the happiest moments of a poor college student's existence (in my opinion) is the arrival of a package - especially when that package contains goods that are far beyond my budget.  like larabars.  YUM.

this week's been a little up and down, and even as i'm writing this, i'm regretting that i have to use the phrase "this week."  writing has been altogether too sparse so far this summer.  speaking of, after this week, i only have a month left of my internship.  june flew by so quickly i barely remember the individual days.  and as my time in seattle comes (quickly) to a close, i'm more motivated to do more than just work - and to document it all.  which means more pictures.  finally.

reminiscing for a moment, a week ago, bekah and i had a rather climactic moment.  all our office work was finished.  that's right.  even if we had wanted to work, there would have been basically nothing to do.  good feeling, for sure.  however, all good things come to an end, right?  saturday saw us spending all day in olympia and tacoma on interviews south of here.  it made for a long day, but satisfying because it took us down to five interviews left to complete.  not bad, eh?  in addition to those interviews, two completed packets came back into our hands from overseas, and with the addition of a "mission impossible interview" completed, i'm in the office again.  scanning.

{time passes...}

so... because something went wrong and the rest of my draft wasn't saved. this is it for tonight!  there was more... but i don't remember exactly what it was all about.  it's late.  sadly, i missed my workout today... but i think i have some pretty great plans for the weekend - working out and otherwise.  happy almost weekend!

i found my happy place.

i found my love in seattle.

one of four studios in the world,

donation-based.

the best yoga workout i've ever had,

and the happiest.

on a busy street,

i found that seattle is capable of

peace.

i strugs. and i love my dad.

strugs: n./adj.; an alternative form of the word struggling, invented by victoria and used frequently this summer to describe the general state of... well, me.

sympathy? scorn, maybe? actually victoria is quite a factual person.  i'm almost positive her use of the word is simply a fact, devoid of emotional attachment.  this is pretty apparent from the way she uses the word.  something like, "this is jessica. she strugs."

which reminds me of a time several years ago when (upon entering the kitchen), natalie {endearing older sister as always} introduced me to a very large group of friends like this: "this is my sister jessica. she's diseased!"

i won't go as far as to say i was traumatized, although the fact that the moment is burned into my memory speaks for itself.  at that point, i'd come to accept the fact that i was {as she so politely put it} diseased.

the point is, the last few weeks, i strugs.  although, i'm not sure i'm exactly using the word correctly.

at first, living in seattle didn't seem to phase me much more than making me forget to breath several times a day {stress or beauty... or both}.  i remember distinctly telling my mother that i expected to have at least a small emotional breakdown after being here for a week or so.  after all, it's kind of the way my body deals with change sometimes.  a good cry can be a good thing.  but for some reason, i couldn't really relax enough to cry, and everything just kept building up and up and up.

and then, i cried.  and since then, i haven't really been able to stop.  not to say i'm crying all the time.  but moreso than any self-respecting individual wants to cry.

i came to seattle with this team with the awareness that i might have difficulty with several things.

first, i'm on a team of perpetual over-achievers who have their lives planned by day for the next five years.  yes, i've been accused of being an over-achiever, but now that i've been placed in a league of them, i've realized the title is not mine, nor do i want it to be.  i'm a peaceful person, who likes simplicity, quiet nights at home, and a low-stress environment.  i don't think i want a graduate degree, and after i graduate i don't really know what the next step in life will be.  i'd rather be a full-time mom with a part time yoga-teaching job than a 40-hour-a-week career woman, if that's in the up-stairs plans for me.  for the girls on this team, that mindset seems unusual.  most of them know where they want to go to grad school (although i'm closer to graduation than most of them and i'm still unsure if i'm going to grad school or not).  most of them are actively moving toward a full-time career.  true, most of them also want to be mothers, but in the words of one of the female professors we met with, "why not have both??"

is it really that odd to just... not want both?  to be honest, the idea of having a full-time career while trying to be a good wife and even thinking about children just kind of makes me sick.  i take my hat off to the women that can do it all, while very simply saying, i'm just not one of them.

and then there's the endless debate of what actually is driving that personal desire.  am i just lazy to only want one instead of trying to have both at once?  would i rather not compete for full-time careers because i think i wouldn't have what it takes in that area?  would i be selling myself short or stifling the academic talent i've been given if i stop at a bachelor's degree, and in the future decline full-time work to raise children?

truthfully, i have never felt so tormented by the bind of that decision.  i understand this is far, far in my future.  however, i also understand that my present path will determine my future, and after seeing the dollar amount of my undergraduate education, i won't be choosing an academic path that doesn't lead to at least some financial compensation, if i chose an academic future at all.

really, i believe in marriage and in motherhood.  and i believe in those things as a highest life priority - way, way above a career for me.

society expects women to have successful careers, be wonderful wives and mothers, to do both at the same time and to want to do both just as much.  but... isn't it okay just to pick one?

mostly, it's wonderful to be surrounded by other young women who are high achievers because it pushes me see how far i can stretch - and teaches me my limits, too.  it's impressive to see girls who are driven enough to insist that life give them both {family and career} at the same time.  but it's also difficult to have different expectations, to want different things, and to value much different things in life, too.

and that's why i strugs this summer.  because it's hard to feel different.


by the way, as a way to end this discussion about society's expectation for women, i'd like to say...

happy father's day!!!

especially to my dad.

he is the best father that anyone could ever have.  i look up to him more than anyone else.  thank you, dad, for always being there to listen, to give me advice, steer me back on track, and make sure i'm doing okay.  i value your support and love so very much.  and i love you with all my heart!

have a happy father's day!

for crying out loud, have a cupcake.

in my experience, there is a theme among roommates these days.  

after graduating from high school, i received one of the most influential gifts ever given to me: vegan cupcakes take over the world.  yes, i can thank my lovely sister lori for changing my life.  for a solid year, i made vegan cupcakes like i owned a bakery.  several batches a week!  it taught me that when you give people cupcakes, it makes them happy, then they love you.  {as illustrated by the diagram below.}  by the way, this is just background information - i'm getting to my point in a moment.  anyway, this is a natural cycle, process of life.  give people delicious things to eat and they will love you.

cupcake-love diagram

HOWEVER.

in my experience, this apparently universal truth is subject to a complete phenomena when the female brain hits age twenty.  see, when i moved into my first apartment, one of the first things i said to my new roommate was, "hey. i'm going to make you cupcakes and you're going to love me."  {okay, not literally, but you get the idea.  i did in fact tell her i was going to make her cupcakes.}  she replied with, "no, don't! i don't want to eat that. i'll throw them away!"  

that was the beginning of the decline in my delectable pastry baking.  since that time, i have always had at least one roommate who protested the making of sweet-things in the apartment.  {with several small-period exceptions.}  therefore, i should not have been surprised when not one, but two of my roommates this summer protest the making of only-slightly-unhealthy delishishness.  

here's the kicker: 

i've recently learned that it isn't just my roommates.  oh, sure, give cupcakes to the male interns and they'd have a party!  but, to the gals?  think again.

one is abstaining from all desserts for the entire summer {believe me, sugar's in more than desserts, ladies.}  one will eat desserts, but only if it doesn't make her calorie-count for the day spike too much.  another, zero carbohydrates for the summer.  yet another will only eat bread on the weekends, and her roommate is supporting the goal by joining in the obsessive restriction of all things bread.

are we stressed, ladies?

don't get me wrong, i've had my share of sugar-free days, weeks, months... my sister has been upset more than once by my restriction of sweets.  i've had my share of eating obsessions, but from them i've learned that over restriction and dieting only leads to binging, out-of-whack hormones, and still more obsession.

it's time we reconsider the pressure we're putting on ourselves, don't you think?

because after all, with the demands we're placing on our bodies and minds, eventually something's going snap.

i've started reading the triple bind, and it speaks to me.  it talks about the pressures of being female in today's society, and yaknow... they have a point.

more to follow.

writer's block.

life's been strange the past week{ish}.  and several times i've started to mentally blame my neglected blog on the fact that i'm busy.  but really, let's be honest, here.  i'm just going through a significant period of writer's block.  about every other day, i sit down at my computer to write and something unusual happens: nothing.

every time i'm just...kind of, well... blank.

this summer's already been a swirl of decisions made, second-guessed, and called off.  plan-b's thought through entirely only to be discarded.  on one hand, it's already been an exhaustingly moody summer.  but on the other hand, it's been mostly many moments of pure happiness.  but... on the third hand, i've had more days of depressed restlessness than ever before.  i've known concretely what the next year of my life will look like six different times already - and none of them overlap even the slightest.  i've cursed the cold for seeping into every possible crack it could and screamed at the humidity for making me sticky and sweaty.  i've apologized for being a horrible person multiple times to my work partner, my roommates, my boyfriend, and my messy room {which takes the brunt of it all}.

yesterday {while i couldn't think of anything to write}, i read over several posts i wrote from last summer, which {if i had to title it} would be the time period of finding inner-joy.  i looked back and marveled.  i wrote those words?  while i remember learning those lessons, i'm not sure what happened between points a and b.  not that i'm unhappy.  not in the least.

just excessively inconsistent.

i'm the kind of person that thrives on structure - scheduled {but not overly-busy} days.  predictability in almost every area of life.  spontaneity present, but definitely on a back-burner.  and i have fully realized that if i  wanted to stick with that high-structure sorta thing, i definitely picked the wrong summer job.

but we end up with the things in life that help us grow, yes?

yes.  yes, we do.

looking back i can see what a massive period of growth last summer was for me, and i can only hope that in hindsight this summer will look similar.  i feel like i'm learning some of the same lessons {over and over and over again}, but in circumstances that increasingly build in difficulty.  last summer i learned to find joy in life while in the most predictable and safe setting possible, home.  this summer, i'm trying to learn to find that inner peace and joy while in an extremely unpredictable setting, one that is constantly changing and constantly go go going.  it's more difficult, that's for sure.

but... {deep inhale breath}

hard is good.

and i can do hard.

also, this whole "what do i want to do with my life after school" thing is really starting to drive me crazy. so, let's take a pole, shall we? :)

things that very well could be in jessica's future {aka, pick the future you want to vicariously live through my blog}:

• social work master's degree
• yoga teaching certification program
• massage therapy school
• family studies research master's degree
• holistic nutrition and healing master's degree 
• or the all-present option of calling a bachelor's degree sufficient and finding a groovy job at a cool cafe or bakery while being poor and having time to read books i want to read, run races i want to run, and get a dog.

and honestly, that last one is awful appealing, lately.

and now i'm going to go do yoga and meditate about all that stuff for a while {which really means i'll be thinking of anything BUT those things}.

this summer's mantra: "i can be happy independent of my environment, my schedule, and my messy apartment."

now... to prove it.

happy weekend :)

the ice cream that changed my life, among other things.

of course, the first thing i have to take pictures of is food.  naturally :)

first comes first.  it was a big day for brittany - she'd been home from her mission for one whole year!  because she served spanish speaking, mexican food was on the menu.  however, we were all a little short on energy and patience after our evening interviews... not to mention we were going to eat each other if we didn't get food quick.  so, we decided to take a trip down to the corner taco stand.  great stuff, that.

"now, for the camera, we'll introduce you.  from left to right, this is victoria, brittany, and jessica."  - direct quote from the flourishing families interview script. 

brittany on {okay, two days after} her big day.

next, pictures of something that really did change my life.  molly moon's.  one the best things i've ever put in my mouth.  really, seriously, it's just that darn good.  i don't even eat sugar, and this is good enough i'd be willing to make a once-a-week exception to the rule for the summer.  

really, it's that good.

brittany, victoria, and me - happy lil' roommates. 

brooke and liz - two of the coolest gals ever. 

brooke, thoroughly enjoying her double-scoop waffle cone of sasquatch and salted caramel.

me, simply falling even deeper in love with this glorious substance.  double-scoop waffle cone of sasquatch and honey lavender.  {ps. the sasquatch is one of the best things ever invented - theo chocolate with caramel, chocolate, and granola.}

victoria and brittany - feeding each other like the loving roommates they are. 

liz and victoria - both bowls gone - one of the most satisfying and disappointing feelings one could have.

more, please? :)

apartment number 311a.

it's high time i properly introduced my new setting - and its relevant characters.

upon arriving in seattle in the pouring rain {nearly a month ago}, i was informed by a handsome man with a thick beautiful accent that i would be staying in apartment number 311a.  my first impressions of the apartment was that the hallway smelled funny - which it does.  perpetually.  however, the giant red wall and adjacent wall of windows makes up for the smell that usually doesn't cross the 311 threshold anyway.  as i've said before, 311a has character.  we have a decent sized balcony {perfect for reading when the sun's out}.  although it has two bedrooms, they are in no way created equal.  luckily, i share the master bedroom - complete with its own tiny balcony and a half bathroom.  the other bedroom is rather cramped, but livable.  every time we open the bathroom door after taking a shower, our fire-alarm goes off and it takes a good ten minutes before it will be quiet.  i think it might be slightly impairing my hearing.  also, every time anyone turns on a hair-dryer, the power goes off and we have to flip all the breakers.  that can't be a good sign, i'm sure.  the kitchen is small, and generally unremarkable.  however, our view does deserve remark.  as mentioned before {several times}, from our windows, you'd think we live in a treehouse.  all the buildings in our apartment complex {which is massive, by the way} look kind of cabin-like.  okay, well...like four-story cabins.  but they blend into the trees, and the squirrels and crows and finches complete the woodsy feeling i get every time i look out the windows.  the tibetan prayer flags hung outside our window also add a nice touch.  however, we still do not have a trash can.

i live in 311a with three other girls - also flourishing families researchers {which means we talk about work a lot}.  upon moving in, melissa gave each of us in 311a "street names."  that means she calls brittany "butters," victoria "beckster," and me "j-jo."  sometimes brittany is also "bunnie."  this creates a strange kind of name separation in my mind and every time i try to address one of my roommates i'm not quite sure what's going to come out.  the most common mistake is that i call melissa "melanie" - all the time.  which doesn't exactly make her happy.  so i've resorted to trying to only call her "mel," which should solve the problem.

in mel's words, victoria is almost as earthy as i am.  victoria is a vegetarian foodie, a vocabulary einstein, and {like me} reads social science literature for pleasure.  eating mangoes is one of her favorite things to do in the entire world.  she has an incredible {and incredibly unique} sense of humor.  her favorite color is purple, and she's a night-owl.  she brought me breakfast this morning while i was in bed and not feeling well: peppermint tea, two buttermilk scones with honey, and apple slices.  yes, i loved it and her.

brittany, or butters {i still haven't found a happy medium of exactly what to call her}, is sweet.  we met in family finance last semester before either of us knew we were both going to seattle with the flourishing families project, and we both very much wanted to be friends.  little did we know, we'd end up living together for the summer.  she has long reddish brown hair that makes me miss long hair quite a bit.  she's calm and fun-loving and is one of the best talk-to people i've ever met.  mostly, she's a great support. and she's learning to play victoria's guitar.

mel completes our ensemble.  if i had to describe her in one word, it would be intense..or maybe crazy... or extreme... or... okay, really i wouldn't describe her in one word at all.  she runs marathons, kick boxes, and is very tan.  she's exuberant and social {a california girl through and through}, and she loves a good party.  she has a curious mind and learns from the people around her - a talent, in my opinion.  she's obsessed with costco tortillas, and doesn't call anyone by their real name.  if she had her way, the apartment wouldn't have any doors - not even on the bathrooms.

it's been a different experience living with people i don't know.  there isn't nearly as much privacy as i'm used to, and communicated boundaries has been an experience.  mostly, we've already had loads of silly fun.  and really, with this crazy job, i'm quite happy i'm living with a support group who knows the ups and downs of a research position.  we're kind of an odd group, but really... life's more fun that way, anyway!

thoughts on rest and days off.

this weekend, my body's forcing me to take a mandatory few days off.  which, i'll admit, is always better to schedule myself than have my body schedule it for me.  but either way, i'll feel better afterward.  at the moment, i'm not exactly enjoying the large cold sore on my chin, but i have learned a few things.  okay... not really learned, re-learened.  or remembered..

1. my body can handle a couple weeks of heightened sugar intake just fine - as long as i have a couple weeks after that of no stress, almost perfect diet, and consistent exercise.  oh yeah, and lots of sleep.  during the last couple weeks of winter semester, i was eating quite a bit more sugar than my body is used to.  coming from that into a work environment {that's been a big change and a kind of a constant, nagging sort of stress}, i shouldn't have been surprised when my body said, "wait a minute...I DON'T HAVE THE NUTRIENTS I NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS!" and then.... crash.  first headaches, then fatigue, then neck pain, then cold sore.  it did try to give me warning signs, first.  so i can't complain.  

2.  speaking of warning signs, this has been a great re-learning experience because i've remembered that i need to pay attention to those warning signs my body's giving me and do something about them instead of just shrugging them off and saying, "oh, my headache will go away eventually."  the last three weeks in seattle, i've been shrugging-off all the signals my body's sending me more than ever.  but i'm glad to have a reminder.  now, i'm going to re-start working to stay more in-tune with what my body needs.  i'm going to do more yoga, eat more vegetables, and make some time every day for just me - to meditate and relax.

3.  i've also learned yet another lesson about social comparison.  i'm competitive - if you don't believe me, just come play cards with me and my sisters.  i worried, coming up here, that i wouldn't be able to keep up.  after all, i'm with a group of students that are elite - to say the least.  i'm not sure how in the world i was placed with most of them, to be honest.  while i've taken big leaps in not comparing myself to others physically, it's okay to compare myself in every other way, right?  ...wrong.  dead wrong, in fact.  everyone has their own individual 100%.  for some, that means a fifty-hour work week, for others it's a casual twenty.  while twenty-hour work weeks here won't quite cut it {for the next several weeks, at least}, i'm finding that i can't push myself to the same limits that others judge their work by.  i can make sure i'm collecting quality data, doing my best in everything i'm doing, but not taking on so much that i'm overwhelmed.  individual's work styles are just about as different as individual's physical-selves.  and that's why there's no good in comparing - even though it happens often in all different settings.

to be honest, i'm really glad i have a couple of days to slow down.  i didn't realize how absolutely out-of-touch with myself i was until i woke up this morning.  these next couple of days will be used to center myself again - return to being okay with my inner-self, so i can work with my body to accomplish what i need to, instead of ignoring its limits and trying to push to the extreme.

speaking of extreme... from the internet, i've been exploring bikram yoga studios in seattle, and i can tell you i'm more than intrigued.  i've been wanting an extra push when it comes to yoga, lately, and i think this might be the thing to try.  105 degrees with 50% humidity, and it's 90 minutes long.  eek!  it scares me... but one of the biggest reasons i'm here is to overcome things that scare me {more on that to come}.  so i'm going to give it a try.  i'm going to work up to it, first.  despite their claim that you don't need to even be physically active to try it, i'd like to not embarrass myself. :)  

also, there is the cutest little finch that's building a nest outside my window today.  she keeps standing on my windowsill with her beak absolutely stuffed with grass.  she looks in and twitches her head back and forth as if she's trying to say, "hey! i need some help here! this stuff is so heavy!"  it's adorable.  and i wish i could help her.  be strong, little bird!

so pretty much, i love.

today, life's been darn good.

earli{er} morning - when the sun came up.

video-chats with my musician.

run around greenlake.

half-day off to grocery shop.

beautiful organic produce and artisan bread.

chats with the family.

a {tiny} glimpse of the sun.

productive office hours.

cold water from the klean kanteen, with a drop of digetzen.

a wall of only windows.

tristan prettyman, then switchfoot.

squirrels.

lunch with my roommates.

amazon student - with books on the way.

and mostly a lot more peace than was present in my life last week.

sufficiently humbled.

i've been in freak-out mode for the last few days.  okay, so maybe i've just had really bad pms - which {i admit freely} every few months turns me into an emotional monster.  and yes, for the past several days, i've been nothing short of an emotional monster.  i've complained about tiny things that really didn't matter, i angered over things that normally would have me laughing.... you know the drill.  mostly, my natural reactions to basic situations have been out of control.  for example, when the second counselor in my single's ward asked me {today} to speak in church next week, before i stopped myself, i blurted out, "NEXT WEEK???"  he stammered for a minute, then said, "um... i am sorry about the short notice."

i accepted happily, of course.  but i feel like lately my life's been in that sort of panic mode.  some unexpected happens and i freak out for a minute before realizing, oh yeah, this is just life! 

i could blame it on pms all i want, and believe me, it's a truth that everything has been absolutely exemplified by my reeling emotions the last week, but in reality - straight, unemotional reality - i've been on freak-out mode, too.

i've been so busy that a lot of the basics have fallen by the wayside a little.  running, sleep, eating habits, scripture study... it's all been extremely sporadic.  and today, during church, i felt very humbled.  very instructed.

i realized how much i've been relying on my own strength to get me through the first few weeks of this internship, to get me through being away from the people i love.  and i've been so afraid that my strength wouldn't be enough.  the crazed freak-out mode was a result of me knowing {deep down} that i just didn't have enough to do it.  and i don't - that, i know for sure.  i don't have what it takes to be this far out of my comfort zone every single day.  i don't have what it takes to be so far away from everyone i love so much and still have the emotional strength and capacity to do what i need to here and love them from far away.

then i realized how silly i was being.  as humans, i know we have a tendency to rely on ourselves - it's our nature.  but it's never enough.  and one of the biggest tests of this life is to see if we figure out who to turn to.  after realizing how much i've relied on my own strength the past little while, i feel a little ridiculous - because i know better.  but luckily, Heavenly Father is always there.  even when we realize He's been waiting a long time for us to simply ask.

and now that i've realized this, really and fully, i have a feeling things are going to be looking up a little.  it's always easier when two are carrying the burden of one.  and i know with His help, i can do a lot more than i even know.  which is so comforting, right now.  because there's a lot that i know i can't do on my own, in my future.

so today, i've re-evaluated my priorities and rearranged my time a little so i can put Him back in first place.  and it's extremely relieving to have finally realized that all i really have to do is ask, then listen, then obey.

uncomfortable.

it has again been positively too long.  i'm still figuring things out, here in seattle.  still trying to get into a routine, some sort of schedule that gives me room to breath, to cook, to run, and to blog.  

it was a beautiful day, today.  sunny, slightly cloudy, evening rainstorm, and high sixties.  it's been a beautiful week.  one morning, bekah and i went to greenlake together to take a morning run.  greenlake is already one of my favorite places in the city.  the trail around the small, clear lake is almost three miles and full of joggers, dogs, rollerbladers, walkers, runners, and bikes.  people are friendly when they exercise and being there feels safe, feels most like home, so far.  that morning was completely clear.  we started running just as the sun was coming up, and i've seen few things as beautiful.  the reflection off the water was so bright that i could hardly see anything for several minutes.  canadian geese glided around the lake, squirrels dashed out of their trees to see the sun, and i was more energetic than i've been in weeks.  it was a glorious morning - one where my feet felt like they were flying, my lungs had air to spare, and the breeze cooled me off just enough.  it reminded me of the reasons i run - why i would never give it up.

greenlake is a close second to my red mountain running trail.  i've never ran anywhere quite as beautiful as the red mountains of ivins, but greenlake is a different experience.  running by a lake is much different than running in the quiet stability of mountains.  it took a couple times to really get the feel for it - the enjoyment of the water, the way i enjoy the mountains.  but now, i look forward to nothing quite as much in my day-to-day.

i wonder sometimes why we do things that make us uncomfortable.  why do people run, move to countries where they don't speak the language, accept jobs and internships that are far out of their comfort zone?  so many of the big things in life don't have guaranteed outcomes.  it's impossible to say whether we'll look back and see the best experience of a lifetime or the most ridiculous mistake you've ever made.

tonight, i'm really not sure why i do those things that scare me and make me uncomfortable.  i think the human race, in general, is a little masochistic.

it's been one of those long, loooong weeks that fly by so quickly i don't remember what i really did.  i'm excited tomorrow is sunday - the day when i don't need to be pushed to work.  when i can rest - really, really rest.

get things done day!

today is my productivity for life day.  that means that my main goal is to get all the basic things done - the rest of the week has been productivity for work, so i'm super happy it's thursday and i have a little room to breathe.  i've already gone to the gym, cleaned the office entirely, and eaten breakfast.  now, i need to take a shower, put clean sheets on my bed, go to the art museum {free!}, grocery shop, do some laundry {first, figure out this laundry card business}, go to an interview, and hopefully find some time to read.

it's a long list for one day - especially when you can never really say how long it'll take to peruse an art museum. my productivity would skyrocket if i skipped the museum and decided to go next month on free thursday, but really. . .i just love art.  i can't decide what to do yet.  because i absolutely have to find time today for groceries...and laundry.  because really, that whole thing called living on oatmeal is just getting ridiculous!  so maybe i'll hold off on art till work slows down slightly in a month.

also, i learned a song on the guitar yesterday!  it's about time i pick up another instrument.  no matter what it is, it feels darn good to make music again.  it's simple and cute - and i'm still working on this whole "i can sing and play at the same time" deal.  but it's coming, and i love it!

happy thursday!

the ugly side of research

research is fun - i get to go inside strangers houses, hook them up to machines, be bossy and tell them what to do for three hours, kick their kids out, lock their pets in closets, play with cameras and laptops and other machines that i don't know the names of.  i get to wear dorky polo shirts and khaki pants.  i get to drive around seattle and oooh and ahh at all the glorious little houses.  i get to act like a stalker - with a purpose.  i get to spend all this time with other hyper-over-achievers.  i get to see my professors act like normal people.

but here are a few things i didn't exactly expect when i applied for a research position:

for every two hours i'm with a family, i pay them more than i make in a week.

while the family completes their little video-discussion tasks, i wait outside the front door - no matter how much it's raining. . .or how freezing it is. . .or how much i forgot my shoes when i stepped outside. . .  oh, and i can't throw things at their poor dog that's trying to break its chain and bite off my head.

no matter what, the interview goes on.  that means that while the whole family is having a screaming-match, i get to politely tell them which questions they missed and instruct, "i need you to go over this section one more time." that also means that i can't decide i've had enough of this irresponsible teenager when she won't listen to us after six times of telling her to turn off her phone and put it away.  i also can't take the phone, thus i become the broken record.

"please turn off your cell phone."
"during this portion, you can't have your phone with you."
"while you complete the questionnaire, you are not permitted to text on your phone."
"we would appreciate your compliance with our policy not to answer your cell phone while we are in your home unless it's an emergency."
your friends at the mall are not considered emergencies.
if i can't talk to my boyfriend while i'm in your home, you can't talk to yours either.  believe me, i feel your pain.
no, really.  turn off your darn phone.

being a researcher also means that i have to say things to my supervisor like, "yes, that entire section of data is unusable.  see, i wasn't aware that the monitors were marked differently than i was used to before i was in the home.  yes, it's my fault."

being a researcher means that i probably don't have time to take care of my basic human needs.  thus, my hair will be scary for the next few months, i will not be wearing makeup, i haven't done laundry in weeks, i've been living off oatmeal for several days because i don't have time to grocery shop, and i fall asleep while talking on the phone and wake up in the middle of the night only to realize i'm still in my uniform, still have my contacts in, and haven't set my alarm for the morning.  it means i don't expect to ever fully unpack.  it means i'm cutting down my to-read list and scratching things off my summer-to-do list.  not because i've read and done them, but because i'm now aware it's just not going to happen.

and now that it looks like i've ranted sufficiently, i just have to say that i really do love my job.  i love to see all different dynamics of family life and work with other crazy-like-minded people.  i do.  i may not love the screaming family, but their barking dog sure was gorgeous.

i'm getting really, REALLY good at leaving voice-messages.
i'm not scared to call random people i don't know.
i have a queen bed, so i don't feel squished when i fall asleep with paperwork all over my bed.
i'm learning - a lot.

oh, and the exciting fact of the day is that i get to see the musician again in seven days!  that's right - seven.  which practically makes up for the barking dog and screaming family.
seven! 
and counting.

i love seattle. also, i'm a researcher.

no pictures yet - still searching for batteries for my little dead camera.  but there have been so many happenings, lately!

i officially feel like a researcher.  nerdy, i know. :)  i had my first interview last night {which went splendidly, by the way}.  it was exhilarating!  and awakened that deep little passion in my heart for research.  official nerd, that's for sure.  and i lovelove it.

after working almost an eleven hour day yesterday, a few hours of peace this morning were in order.  it was strange {at first} to take a trip to the temple with a professor.  and i'm pretty sure that initial weirdness won't ever leave, but i love it nonetheless.

i've driven through seattle several times now.  i love it.  i love it i love it i love it.  i simply can't get enough of it!  it's. . .gorgeous.  it's a forest... and the ocean... and a massive city... and a quaint little village with cottages.  and a treehouse - which is where i live...and love.

i simply can't get enough of it.

it makes me breathe, it makes me live.


i've discovered how much i love new places.  i love that i don't expect the water or the trees or the random skyscrapers...

it's. . .new.  beautiful.
it's alive.

foodie night number one.

it's eight in the morning and i've been awake for two hours!  which is a big contrast to last semester when i was usually slightly late to my class at ten am.  there's something about a consistent summer routine that's extremely satisfying to me.  i'm a creature of habit, naturally, but routine in the summer time makes me happier than usual school routine.  possibly because it seems more achievable.

however, i will admit waking up at six is tough when you just didn't get to bed quite on time.  i've found some real connections among my fellow interns.  when victoria and i moved in, we discovered we held very similar philosophies on eating meat and food in general.  we both hold a generally whole-foodist approach and are vegetarian {except for the seldom exception of happy home-farm-raised animals}.  gregory, another intern in our group, holds very similar beliefs.  slightly more strict on the vegetarian scale than i am, but much less vegan than me, with a passion for cooking and ethnic food, he is an absolute foodie - heart and soul.  i didn't get enough sleep last night because my before-bed routine {which involves quite a bit of talking on the phone to several different significant people} was pushed back by my new-found food lovers.

as victoria and i were on our way out the door to scope out some local indian food, gregory texted us both.  "to all vegetarians and flexitarians, thai food off the cuff at my place!  be there around six."

thai food and indian food are about equal in my book - two favorites.  and really, free vegetarian food that i know is going to be healthy?  who could resist??

long story short, the food was amazing, the conversation was steller, and the company made me feel a little more at home in seattle.  not to mention, i now have a long list of recommended health food markets and other food-related destination points to visit in seattle.  several, i'm sure, will become second homes.  we spent several hours talking vegetarian-talk, moving back and forth between the logistics of vegetarianism, vegetarianism and LDS beliefs, vegetarianism in the scriptures, our individual transitions to a whole-foods attitude, and the general food industry vs. whole foodism.

it's been much too long since i've had conversations of that sort, and i feel so blessed to have found a few people that share my passion for food in such similar ways.  it makes it easier here to cook for other people {something i love and thrive off of} and gives me a little comfort knowing that others will do the same for me - and i'll be able to eat knowing i'm having something healthy, something i would cook for myself.

thus was the beginning of vegetarian foodie night number one.  i'm sure there will be many more to follow over the course of the summer, and i can't wait to see my recipe collection grow!

seattle run

there are so many things that i haven't been able to post about lately!  but i'm determined to catch up - although i'm also well aware this catch-up might take me quite a while.  see, i don't exactly have the internet in my seattle apartment.  yet.  monday should be the day when all that is taken care of, but until then i'm trying to sneak onto other people's unsecured networks {which has only been successful once}, and i'm parking myself in the flourishing families office where the internet is free for our use.  the problem: i don't have a key to the office yet.  those are still coming and eventually i'll have one.  but for now, snagging some internet time is a little tricky.

even though i know there's a lot of catch-up for doing, i'm going to save that for when i can be cozied-up on my queen-sized bed with a large mug of tea.  that's when i'll write about graduation, my last days in provo, the road trip to the seattle, and the first stages of work and project move-in.  with a few pictures. . .a few.  my camera always dies as the most inconveniet time possible - which is now.

this morning, i went on my first run in the city, and oh it was so needed!  for some reason, running in a new city always makes it easier to love a new city.  it lets you get to know the city on a level you don't get from the driver's seat of a car.  my run was just a half hour, and i only ran up the main road that my apartment complex is conveniently located on.  but that was enough - enough to have me sighing at the old moss-covered bricks that surround all the trees and how everything here can stay so surprisingly moist even when it's not raining.  running is different here.  we're surrounded by slight incline in every direction which is very different from provo running.  the sidewalks are wide, for the most part, but usually also covered in mud.  i've heard there's a great running trail not too far from here.  it circles a small lake and is suposedly one of the prettiest places in the world {according to one of the project professors}.  i can't wait to find it and make it my own.  although i'm surrounded by many more people than ever before, it seems easier to run by that peace that running brings me.  the rain and clouds seem to mute most noise and the moss and trees make me feel like i'm in a forest - an illusion i'm happy about.

i've been running alone for most of my running existence.  but seattle is a little too big and too foreign for me to just take a run on my own.  luckily, my work partner {rebekah} feels the same way.  she's positive and sweet and we seem to run really well together.  eventually, we'll be joined by brooke - the work partner of my roommate.  we seem to all be at about the same pace and all want to step things up a notch and find a race or two this summer to run.  i'm more than thrilled to have some running support!  it was one thing i was most nervous about - finding a consistent schedule that would work for other girls as well, finding other girls that seemed about on-pace with me, finding places to run without getting lost.

the latter is still a concern, but i think it'll come eventually.  i have a pretty good layout of the surrounded two or three miles. . .which i understand isn't much, but it's a start!  especially for someone as directionally challenged as i am.  i know where the nearest grocery store, mall, and target are.  which is a big, big step!  it does help tremendously that we are only minutes away from all.  and while i'm still definitely working on the layout of the apartment complex {it's massive}, i do know where the flourishing families office is, the guys' apartment with a television and massive movie collection, and my own apartment are located.  and at the moment, that's proabably all i need!

later today, i can't wait to go exploring a little.  i'm going to make a list of all the things i want to see and do in seattle this summer - probably not exhaustive, but massive, for sure.  i'm open to suggestions!  in fact, i WANT suggestions.  please.  because i'm starting at nothing.  ooookay, not really nothing.  i want to find that running trail, and i want to go to an ethiopian restaurant, and find the city gum wall.  more to come on that!

and now, it's time to really start my day.  i've had my chocolate peanutbutter oatmeal, showered and now to do some unpacking before my meetings!

it's cloudy, with the ever-present mist heavy in the air this morning.  really, the weather is absolutely fascinating to me, to be honest.

{ps. this was written this morning at 7:30 on a word processor while sitting at the kitchen table watching the beautiful seattle morning rain shower and watching the squirrels scamper away for cover.  now, while i'm posting i'm sitting in the flourishing families office watching the afternoon rain shower.  rain, rain, rain.  it's so much more beautiful than i thought it would be!}