anyway, all that to say that my job as a testing proctor isn't half bad. sure, it's a lot of sitting and asking for people's ID and waving metal detectors in front of people's faces. but in addition to getting a lot of eye-rolls about our "airport" procedures, i also get to read. and to write (obviously... i am still at work). in fact, i had enough free time i had today to read several blog series that i've been meaning to read for quite some time. like...months. it seems funny to write while i'm at work because it's typically very stop-and-go. i have intervals of three or four minutes of free time. if i'm lucky, i'll get a whole ten. it's always been easiest to write when i had a big block of time with absolutely nothing to do (including no interruptions).
so instead of writing, i started affirmation doodling. which is a very cool thing. if you haven't tried this, you must! i started with just a blank piece of lined notebook paper. at the top i penned things i love about me. then i started listing. three things.. four things.... a few full sentences with descriptions of how i've grown the last few months... and then it started. i wasn't writing on the lines anymore, some words were bold and big, others small and scribbled. each word with it's own personality, it's own story, it's own voice showing emotion. and i realized that computers can't do that. they can't show you the emotion that it takes to write the phrase i'm afraid. they can't tell you the confidence of a dark period at the end of a satisfying sentence.
i've been toying with the idea of art journaling. i have a giant journal, and i use it, but not as freely as i'd like to. before i put a pen to paper i start to analyze. is it good enough? is it creative enough? is the idea finished enough to actually start writing or drawing it out?
it's the same hang-up i get with my blog.
it won't make sense.
i'll sound silly/naive/immature.
i won't come out the way i see it in my head.
people won't take my experiences seriously.
so what?
i've been reading about vulnerability and how it's a big ally to the belief that you have great worth. and those two create a perfect environment for connection.
...and i just had work to do for 20 minutes and now i can't remember where in the world i was going with that. eventually, i know i wanted to talk about what i doodle-journaled today:
i love that i'm starting to do things (basic things) - like eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i'm full, cooking healthy food, going to bed early, working, doing my "homework," exercising - for good reasons. i used to do things like this because i didn't like myself and i wanted to be a different person. i'd do these things because i didn't like my body, because i felt guilty and ashamed if i didn't, because i didn't feel like a good person otherwise or because i was afraid of not being as good as the others around me.
and it's a good realization (like a blanket in my heart) that i'm starting to do these things because (disregarding my surroundings, my body, the people i interact with...) no matter what, i'm worth it. it feels good to take care of myself because i love myself, instead of because i don't. i love feeling taken care of. i love feeling healthy and worth it and (most of all) loved. especially when i'm loved by myself.
because it doesn't matter how many other people love you or how much other people love you. until you can know (and feel) that God loves you and that you love yourself, it simply doesn't make a difference.
and that's today's work rant.
go write a list of things you adore about yourself. not just think are fine, not things that you wish you liked. things you really love about yourself.
and maybe the whole point of this from the beginning was to say that once we can love ourselves and know our worth like that, connection is 1000 times easier. a bajillion times easier. in fact, i bet it's not even really scary anymore. i believe that, i think.
here's to being fearless.
