Today's Victories

today i gave myself some chocolate chips and peanut butter. it wasn't unusual. but, see, yesterday i declared today "clean eating week." which basically means i've been eating a lot of sugar and sweets, not very many fruits and vegetables and i haven't been getting outside and getting the exercise that makes me feel top notch. i've felt sluggish and less than great. so, today was the beginning of clean eating week. i was also aware that i needed to not slip into restriction. clean eating week did NOT mean that i was going to restrict myself and cut out sweets or sugar completely. it wasn't going to mean that i felt deprived. that was the trick.... i wanted some chocolate chips, but i couldn't - i was supposed to be eating well this week. i struggled with the thought for while, maybe an hour or so. and then, realization dawned. i was trying to give my body what it needs, what is respectfully good for it without going over the top and withholding everything it loves. so i took out the chocolate chips, got a spoonful of peanut butter and enjoyed. it was delicious. and afterward, i felt satisfied. i also had some orange, carrot, beets and potatoes today. and i ran 2.5 miles in the sunshine. treating my body well in lots of different ways. after the last two weeks, today was a big victory that way.

today, i did two loads of laundry. but wait - i didn't just do two loads of laundry, i did two loads of laundry AND folded them all. and put them away. really, need i say more to explain why that's a victory? i have to add though, the washer and dryers ate an extra $1.75 and instead of kicking them (the usual response), i simply thought, it's a good thing i'm rich! all about perspective, people. really.

today, i had a balance of wakefulness and rest. i kept going. i started cleaning the kitchen this morning. i didn't finish until tonight, but i did accomplish much of what i set out to. today i changed the tablecloth and put on a table runner to beautify our home just a tab bit. straightened the bed, folded the sofa blankets. and i gave myself a nice long nap. the time was unintentional, but i gave my body some compassion for the hard work it's been doing lately. success, indeed.

tonight, i made some small conversation with a stranger - a simple thing that made a big difference in my day.

today i changed my perspective probably 325 times. the victory then is not that i didn't slip, but that i got back on track without giving up and letting myself stew in rumination and bad mood.

and i wrote twice - that's more than in weeks.

victorious day. here and there, a little bit all the time.

Forgive.

forgive yourself the mornings you eat much too much for breakfast and it ruins your day. forgive yourself the silent treatment you gave your husband just because he pointed out one of your faults. the last day off when you didn't get a single thing done because you couldn't stop reading - forgive yourself for that, even though it means there's twice as much to do today. the anger that stirs in your stomach for all the times no one responded, let yourself feel it, let it be there, let it devour you for a moment. then take a deep breath and forgive yourself for your unkind thoughts, then another breath and let everyone else be unresponsive. God's not. the times when you don't want anyone to see what you write, when you just want to curl up and hide in your corner of the bed and not be found for days and days and days, forgive yourself that isolation. for the piled up dishes and messy desk. for the unmade bed that is a bad, bad day and for the bad day that turns into a two-week funk, forgive yourself those things and let the funk be just that. for the days you take care of everyone but yourself and the people who let you, forgive yourself those days, those tendencies and those relationships. for too much sugar and not enough sunshine. for checking pinterest and facebook ten times in an hour. for scowls and angry words and off-days.

forgive yourself.