project: you are what you think - the beginning of a new journey.

it's a new day.

and yes, i know that's a very obvious statement.  but.  today is different.  today marks the beginning of a new goal, experiment, and potentially life-altering decision.

there are a million different things that shape you into who you are, exactly, right?  considering what i deeply believe, the first (or what should be first) is our Heavenly Father - His plan for us through our compliance with it.  next, the Lord has told us that "as a man thinketh, so is he."  i also believe in the largely quoted (and never taken quite seriously enough) statement, "you are what you eat."  i strive for the first, devoutly.  i almost obsess over the latter, strictly.  until now, i have payed only vague acknowledgement to the second: you are what you think (disappointingly).

in actuality, your thoughts determine your reality, and your perception of it.  i've known this, but largely (and ashamedly) have ignored the fact.

remember how i'm sick?  it got worse yesterday.  the goal was to not be bed-ridden, and to my disappointment i failed miserably.  i did get out of bed, but only to move to the couch and in front of the television.  how pathetic is that?  i don't even watch television.  i've been blaming this nasty cold on the stress of last semester in combination with the sweets that were altogether too plentiful my last week in provo (for a while).  i'm sure these elements played a role.  after all, you are what you eat, and i was eating what makes me sick.  i know my body doesn't hold up very well under extreme stress or pressure, and that's exactly what i was in.  but.  here's the confession: what have i been thinking through all this stress and some uncharacteristic unhealthy eating? unhappy thoughts.

i've been a nervous wreck the past couple of weeks.  angry often, upset regularly, annoyed like clockwork, and emotionally distraught daily.  my mom was kind enough to point out last night that i am positively worrying myself sick, literally.  worse, i'm a basket case worrying about things that i mostly can't control to begin with.

the last few weeks of this type of thinking i like to think are uncharacteristic because of how drastic i've been.  but really.  i need to be brutally honest with myself for a moment here. so allow me a moment.  i try to be a very optimistic person, i really do. however, past that determination, i struggle with negative thoughts often.  mostly toward myself or my current situation, i stress, demand perfection, worry worry worry, etc.

today, it stops.  today is the beginning of project "you are what you think."

the first thing i'm going to cure is this blasted cold.

i'm going to take it a few steps at a time because oh-how-i-know i have a whole lot to work on.  it's daunting.  a little nerve-wracking.  but it's time to really give it a shot - whole-heartedly.

i talked some about the little beast of a chronic illness i was diagnosed with several years ago, fibromyalgia.  i've contained it with diet, controlled it with lifestyle.  i've liked to think for the past year or so that it's gone because i don't want to give in to what's left of it.  today is the beginning of it's banishment.

this is a big step.  an overwhelming journey to begin.  but no matter what, the only logical way to go is up.

and guess what?
i can do hard things.

i'm up to the task.

wish me luck!
and anyone want to join me in my journey?

full blown cold

it's official.

apparently i wasn't resting quite enough for my body post-semester.  i've been fighting the beginnings of a nasty cold going around the family for a few days now.  and today, the bug stopped playing around and hit full force.  sneezing, coughing, eye-watering, loss of voice, swollen glands, and aches all over: i have a cold.

however, it's an encouraging thought to look back at the past several years and realize that a little cold right now is really not a big deal.  i haven't really been sick in the past several years.  slight fibromyalgia fluctuation, exhaustion, but never the flu, never bad colds.  so.  a little cold can't be that bad, right?

the goal is to not let it put me all the way in bed.

but. we'll see what tomorrow brings.  it's hard to stay in bed when there's sunshine outside waiting to be played in!

of cats and such things.

i think my cats have a death wish.  i honestly miss these two little critters like crazy when i'm away, but one of the first things they do once i'm home is lose another life.  i was jump-roping this morning: click, click, click, click went the rope hitting the tile in our front room.  then with no warning my twelve-year-old cat holly (who had been lazily snoozing in the window sunlight) pounced on the tile exactly where my rope was hitting, getting herself smacked sharply on the head by the rope.  surprising? in fact, yes.  holly is no-nonsense cat - she does not play.  she's also a little too old to be chasing things.  death wish? apparently.

a few minutes later (after making sure the rope didn't do too much damage to my kitty's head), the younger cat came around the corner.  merlin is only a couple years old, and still very much a moody, playful, brainless siamese kitten.  and he pounced.  this time i was spinning full-force and he took the momentum right on the tip of his nose.  he yowled for about a minute and walked around sideways, shaking his head and sneezing for about five.  maybe he doesn't have quite the death wish the older cat seems to demonstrate, but.  if all merlin's friends decided to jump off a cliff, i'm pretty sure he would follow, too.

cats are crazy, but considering the little bit of excitement they add to life, who doesn't love them?

train of thought derailing a little... i miss my kittens when i'm not home.  but this summer, i miss superman - and the missness doesn't really compare to missing cats.  two months of missing has gone by already {can you believe it?  summer half way over}.  well, tomorrow at least.  tomorrow's the half-way.  when the missness is finally downhill.  and yes, i count down.  hopeless romantic, i told you.  anyway, the last two months have been such a whirl.  there really isn't a separation in my memory between winter and spring semesters, and spring semester only boosted the stress level and made my perception of time more warped.  i'm a little afraid though, now that i'm not nearly as busy or distracted, that the next two months will move by too slowly, painfully.  one thousand miles seems such an easy distance sometimes, with all the convenient technology of the 21st century.  but sometimes, the technology just doesn't help, and you crave real, face-to-face interaction.  so.  here's to two more months.  eight more weeks of superman's absence.  after all, the second half of any separation is supposed to fly by even faster... right?

night frights

so it's going on more than a week now.  a week that i just absolutely cannot sleep.  you'd think that once all the stress was whisked away and the comforts of home surrounded me that sleep would come easily, naturally.  unfortunately, my body has a different opinion than yours.

or maybe it's my mind.  because, you see, it's not that i can't sleep because i'm restless or achy or just not tired.  i can't sleep because my mind simply will not turn off.  and i'm not thinking of nice things, either.  i go over and over whether or not all the doors in the house are locked, how big the cat has to be to set the sensor light on outside my window, and if that sound i heard in the kitchen was the cat or... wait, the cat's by my feet.  what in the world could have made that sound in the kitchen??  etc.

usually, going to bed is a bit of a self-calming exercise to begin with.  i'm no stranger to the solution of hum a hymn and pick your favorite memory to mull over until you doze off and don't have to worry about the could-be robber outside your bedroom window.  but the last week has been an unnatural panic every time the light goes out.  i don't remember being afraid of the dark when i was younger, but somehow that fear must have developed with a surplus of information.  information about the rapes around my apartment.  information about how easy it would be to break the front door in if you really wanted to.  information about the importance of carrying mace around in my purse... or hand if i really want to be prepared.  simply too much information.  taking greater care with safety precautions in my apartment coupled with all the stress of the closing of last semester has made me paranoid.  and i can't seem to turn off the paranoia quite as quickly as it seemed to come on.

but.

sooner or later, i have to get some sleep.  after all, one can die from exhaustion.  it's a fact.

so. i might as well try again tonight.

goodnight.

and wish me luck.

the best dad

dad in disneyland, 2008

i have the best dad in the entire world.  sounds cliché, i know.  but guess what? it's true.  every father's day i obsess for a couple weeks before, thinking, this father's day i'll get that perfect thing that will tell him exactly how grateful i am, something that embodies my love, gratitude and appreciation in one or two items.  but.  1) those one or items don't exist - there is no one thing that would show him exactly how much i love him, and 2) my dad is one of those hard-to-buy-for people.  maybe it's because i want the gift to mean too much, but every gift i can think of giving just seems too much like a generic... thing, object, devoid of deep meaning.  so i change strategies.  there won't ever be a one thing perfect enough to show him how grateful i am for his sacrifice, his example.  i can only try to live up to it, try to be worthy of the sacrifices he's made and follow the example he's set.  and hopefully, someday, that will be a gift enough to show just how much he means to me.

happy father's day!

rejuvenation

so.

spring semester is finally, finally over.  i'm still a little frantic.  i keep trying to remember and make mental lists of everything that needs accomplishing and what gets turned in when.  only after a few minutes of that do i realize, hey wait.  i'm finished. i don't actually have any deadlines to meet for the next two and half months.  i'm a little surprised at how long it's taking to sink in.

but, not surprisingly, my body has already realized that the backpack full of stress has been lifted.  and, naturally, it does what it usually does after all the stress goes away.  i crashed.  i've slept until noon the last two days in a row {which isn't unusual after a demanding semester}.  i've been a little dazed.

so i decided to give myself the weekend off. i haven't (and i'm not going to) read anything until monday.  i'm not going to worry about how much i should exercise, what i should eat, or what projects i want to jump into.  until monday.  i think it'll be good for me to have a little wind-dooown time, before i start sewing, painting, and (oh yeah) frantically searching for a job. any suggestions? ... i need them.  pathetically.
but i'm not going to think about that for another day and a half.

it's surreal, being home again.  with natalie back from london, all my sisters coming over for family dinner, my nephew william learning to walk, fresh apricots (from our own trees) in my bowl, curling up with my kitties, sleeping in a room with two of my sisters.  but a good kind of surreal.  a restful, beautiful, dream-like kind of surreal.  and i hope it lasts.

at least enough to rejuvenate all my parts - body, spirit, mind, emotions, etc. - enough to go back, just for another two semesters.