thoughts on rest and days off.

this weekend, my body's forcing me to take a mandatory few days off.  which, i'll admit, is always better to schedule myself than have my body schedule it for me.  but either way, i'll feel better afterward.  at the moment, i'm not exactly enjoying the large cold sore on my chin, but i have learned a few things.  okay... not really learned, re-learened.  or remembered..

1. my body can handle a couple weeks of heightened sugar intake just fine - as long as i have a couple weeks after that of no stress, almost perfect diet, and consistent exercise.  oh yeah, and lots of sleep.  during the last couple weeks of winter semester, i was eating quite a bit more sugar than my body is used to.  coming from that into a work environment {that's been a big change and a kind of a constant, nagging sort of stress}, i shouldn't have been surprised when my body said, "wait a minute...I DON'T HAVE THE NUTRIENTS I NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS!" and then.... crash.  first headaches, then fatigue, then neck pain, then cold sore.  it did try to give me warning signs, first.  so i can't complain.  

2.  speaking of warning signs, this has been a great re-learning experience because i've remembered that i need to pay attention to those warning signs my body's giving me and do something about them instead of just shrugging them off and saying, "oh, my headache will go away eventually."  the last three weeks in seattle, i've been shrugging-off all the signals my body's sending me more than ever.  but i'm glad to have a reminder.  now, i'm going to re-start working to stay more in-tune with what my body needs.  i'm going to do more yoga, eat more vegetables, and make some time every day for just me - to meditate and relax.

3.  i've also learned yet another lesson about social comparison.  i'm competitive - if you don't believe me, just come play cards with me and my sisters.  i worried, coming up here, that i wouldn't be able to keep up.  after all, i'm with a group of students that are elite - to say the least.  i'm not sure how in the world i was placed with most of them, to be honest.  while i've taken big leaps in not comparing myself to others physically, it's okay to compare myself in every other way, right?  ...wrong.  dead wrong, in fact.  everyone has their own individual 100%.  for some, that means a fifty-hour work week, for others it's a casual twenty.  while twenty-hour work weeks here won't quite cut it {for the next several weeks, at least}, i'm finding that i can't push myself to the same limits that others judge their work by.  i can make sure i'm collecting quality data, doing my best in everything i'm doing, but not taking on so much that i'm overwhelmed.  individual's work styles are just about as different as individual's physical-selves.  and that's why there's no good in comparing - even though it happens often in all different settings.

to be honest, i'm really glad i have a couple of days to slow down.  i didn't realize how absolutely out-of-touch with myself i was until i woke up this morning.  these next couple of days will be used to center myself again - return to being okay with my inner-self, so i can work with my body to accomplish what i need to, instead of ignoring its limits and trying to push to the extreme.

speaking of extreme... from the internet, i've been exploring bikram yoga studios in seattle, and i can tell you i'm more than intrigued.  i've been wanting an extra push when it comes to yoga, lately, and i think this might be the thing to try.  105 degrees with 50% humidity, and it's 90 minutes long.  eek!  it scares me... but one of the biggest reasons i'm here is to overcome things that scare me {more on that to come}.  so i'm going to give it a try.  i'm going to work up to it, first.  despite their claim that you don't need to even be physically active to try it, i'd like to not embarrass myself. :)  

also, there is the cutest little finch that's building a nest outside my window today.  she keeps standing on my windowsill with her beak absolutely stuffed with grass.  she looks in and twitches her head back and forth as if she's trying to say, "hey! i need some help here! this stuff is so heavy!"  it's adorable.  and i wish i could help her.  be strong, little bird!

so pretty much, i love.

today, life's been darn good.

earli{er} morning - when the sun came up.

video-chats with my musician.

run around greenlake.

half-day off to grocery shop.

beautiful organic produce and artisan bread.

chats with the family.

a {tiny} glimpse of the sun.

productive office hours.

cold water from the klean kanteen, with a drop of digetzen.

a wall of only windows.

tristan prettyman, then switchfoot.

squirrels.

lunch with my roommates.

amazon student - with books on the way.

and mostly a lot more peace than was present in my life last week.

sufficiently humbled.

i've been in freak-out mode for the last few days.  okay, so maybe i've just had really bad pms - which {i admit freely} every few months turns me into an emotional monster.  and yes, for the past several days, i've been nothing short of an emotional monster.  i've complained about tiny things that really didn't matter, i angered over things that normally would have me laughing.... you know the drill.  mostly, my natural reactions to basic situations have been out of control.  for example, when the second counselor in my single's ward asked me {today} to speak in church next week, before i stopped myself, i blurted out, "NEXT WEEK???"  he stammered for a minute, then said, "um... i am sorry about the short notice."

i accepted happily, of course.  but i feel like lately my life's been in that sort of panic mode.  some unexpected happens and i freak out for a minute before realizing, oh yeah, this is just life! 

i could blame it on pms all i want, and believe me, it's a truth that everything has been absolutely exemplified by my reeling emotions the last week, but in reality - straight, unemotional reality - i've been on freak-out mode, too.

i've been so busy that a lot of the basics have fallen by the wayside a little.  running, sleep, eating habits, scripture study... it's all been extremely sporadic.  and today, during church, i felt very humbled.  very instructed.

i realized how much i've been relying on my own strength to get me through the first few weeks of this internship, to get me through being away from the people i love.  and i've been so afraid that my strength wouldn't be enough.  the crazed freak-out mode was a result of me knowing {deep down} that i just didn't have enough to do it.  and i don't - that, i know for sure.  i don't have what it takes to be this far out of my comfort zone every single day.  i don't have what it takes to be so far away from everyone i love so much and still have the emotional strength and capacity to do what i need to here and love them from far away.

then i realized how silly i was being.  as humans, i know we have a tendency to rely on ourselves - it's our nature.  but it's never enough.  and one of the biggest tests of this life is to see if we figure out who to turn to.  after realizing how much i've relied on my own strength the past little while, i feel a little ridiculous - because i know better.  but luckily, Heavenly Father is always there.  even when we realize He's been waiting a long time for us to simply ask.

and now that i've realized this, really and fully, i have a feeling things are going to be looking up a little.  it's always easier when two are carrying the burden of one.  and i know with His help, i can do a lot more than i even know.  which is so comforting, right now.  because there's a lot that i know i can't do on my own, in my future.

so today, i've re-evaluated my priorities and rearranged my time a little so i can put Him back in first place.  and it's extremely relieving to have finally realized that all i really have to do is ask, then listen, then obey.

uncomfortable.

it has again been positively too long.  i'm still figuring things out, here in seattle.  still trying to get into a routine, some sort of schedule that gives me room to breath, to cook, to run, and to blog.  

it was a beautiful day, today.  sunny, slightly cloudy, evening rainstorm, and high sixties.  it's been a beautiful week.  one morning, bekah and i went to greenlake together to take a morning run.  greenlake is already one of my favorite places in the city.  the trail around the small, clear lake is almost three miles and full of joggers, dogs, rollerbladers, walkers, runners, and bikes.  people are friendly when they exercise and being there feels safe, feels most like home, so far.  that morning was completely clear.  we started running just as the sun was coming up, and i've seen few things as beautiful.  the reflection off the water was so bright that i could hardly see anything for several minutes.  canadian geese glided around the lake, squirrels dashed out of their trees to see the sun, and i was more energetic than i've been in weeks.  it was a glorious morning - one where my feet felt like they were flying, my lungs had air to spare, and the breeze cooled me off just enough.  it reminded me of the reasons i run - why i would never give it up.

greenlake is a close second to my red mountain running trail.  i've never ran anywhere quite as beautiful as the red mountains of ivins, but greenlake is a different experience.  running by a lake is much different than running in the quiet stability of mountains.  it took a couple times to really get the feel for it - the enjoyment of the water, the way i enjoy the mountains.  but now, i look forward to nothing quite as much in my day-to-day.

i wonder sometimes why we do things that make us uncomfortable.  why do people run, move to countries where they don't speak the language, accept jobs and internships that are far out of their comfort zone?  so many of the big things in life don't have guaranteed outcomes.  it's impossible to say whether we'll look back and see the best experience of a lifetime or the most ridiculous mistake you've ever made.

tonight, i'm really not sure why i do those things that scare me and make me uncomfortable.  i think the human race, in general, is a little masochistic.

it's been one of those long, loooong weeks that fly by so quickly i don't remember what i really did.  i'm excited tomorrow is sunday - the day when i don't need to be pushed to work.  when i can rest - really, really rest.

get things done day!

today is my productivity for life day.  that means that my main goal is to get all the basic things done - the rest of the week has been productivity for work, so i'm super happy it's thursday and i have a little room to breathe.  i've already gone to the gym, cleaned the office entirely, and eaten breakfast.  now, i need to take a shower, put clean sheets on my bed, go to the art museum {free!}, grocery shop, do some laundry {first, figure out this laundry card business}, go to an interview, and hopefully find some time to read.

it's a long list for one day - especially when you can never really say how long it'll take to peruse an art museum. my productivity would skyrocket if i skipped the museum and decided to go next month on free thursday, but really. . .i just love art.  i can't decide what to do yet.  because i absolutely have to find time today for groceries...and laundry.  because really, that whole thing called living on oatmeal is just getting ridiculous!  so maybe i'll hold off on art till work slows down slightly in a month.

also, i learned a song on the guitar yesterday!  it's about time i pick up another instrument.  no matter what it is, it feels darn good to make music again.  it's simple and cute - and i'm still working on this whole "i can sing and play at the same time" deal.  but it's coming, and i love it!

happy thursday!

the ugly side of research

research is fun - i get to go inside strangers houses, hook them up to machines, be bossy and tell them what to do for three hours, kick their kids out, lock their pets in closets, play with cameras and laptops and other machines that i don't know the names of.  i get to wear dorky polo shirts and khaki pants.  i get to drive around seattle and oooh and ahh at all the glorious little houses.  i get to act like a stalker - with a purpose.  i get to spend all this time with other hyper-over-achievers.  i get to see my professors act like normal people.

but here are a few things i didn't exactly expect when i applied for a research position:

for every two hours i'm with a family, i pay them more than i make in a week.

while the family completes their little video-discussion tasks, i wait outside the front door - no matter how much it's raining. . .or how freezing it is. . .or how much i forgot my shoes when i stepped outside. . .  oh, and i can't throw things at their poor dog that's trying to break its chain and bite off my head.

no matter what, the interview goes on.  that means that while the whole family is having a screaming-match, i get to politely tell them which questions they missed and instruct, "i need you to go over this section one more time." that also means that i can't decide i've had enough of this irresponsible teenager when she won't listen to us after six times of telling her to turn off her phone and put it away.  i also can't take the phone, thus i become the broken record.

"please turn off your cell phone."
"during this portion, you can't have your phone with you."
"while you complete the questionnaire, you are not permitted to text on your phone."
"we would appreciate your compliance with our policy not to answer your cell phone while we are in your home unless it's an emergency."
your friends at the mall are not considered emergencies.
if i can't talk to my boyfriend while i'm in your home, you can't talk to yours either.  believe me, i feel your pain.
no, really.  turn off your darn phone.

being a researcher also means that i have to say things to my supervisor like, "yes, that entire section of data is unusable.  see, i wasn't aware that the monitors were marked differently than i was used to before i was in the home.  yes, it's my fault."

being a researcher means that i probably don't have time to take care of my basic human needs.  thus, my hair will be scary for the next few months, i will not be wearing makeup, i haven't done laundry in weeks, i've been living off oatmeal for several days because i don't have time to grocery shop, and i fall asleep while talking on the phone and wake up in the middle of the night only to realize i'm still in my uniform, still have my contacts in, and haven't set my alarm for the morning.  it means i don't expect to ever fully unpack.  it means i'm cutting down my to-read list and scratching things off my summer-to-do list.  not because i've read and done them, but because i'm now aware it's just not going to happen.

and now that it looks like i've ranted sufficiently, i just have to say that i really do love my job.  i love to see all different dynamics of family life and work with other crazy-like-minded people.  i do.  i may not love the screaming family, but their barking dog sure was gorgeous.

i'm getting really, REALLY good at leaving voice-messages.
i'm not scared to call random people i don't know.
i have a queen bed, so i don't feel squished when i fall asleep with paperwork all over my bed.
i'm learning - a lot.

oh, and the exciting fact of the day is that i get to see the musician again in seven days!  that's right - seven.  which practically makes up for the barking dog and screaming family.
seven! 
and counting.

i love seattle. also, i'm a researcher.

no pictures yet - still searching for batteries for my little dead camera.  but there have been so many happenings, lately!

i officially feel like a researcher.  nerdy, i know. :)  i had my first interview last night {which went splendidly, by the way}.  it was exhilarating!  and awakened that deep little passion in my heart for research.  official nerd, that's for sure.  and i lovelove it.

after working almost an eleven hour day yesterday, a few hours of peace this morning were in order.  it was strange {at first} to take a trip to the temple with a professor.  and i'm pretty sure that initial weirdness won't ever leave, but i love it nonetheless.

i've driven through seattle several times now.  i love it.  i love it i love it i love it.  i simply can't get enough of it!  it's. . .gorgeous.  it's a forest... and the ocean... and a massive city... and a quaint little village with cottages.  and a treehouse - which is where i live...and love.

i simply can't get enough of it.

it makes me breathe, it makes me live.


i've discovered how much i love new places.  i love that i don't expect the water or the trees or the random skyscrapers...

it's. . .new.  beautiful.
it's alive.

foodie night number one.

it's eight in the morning and i've been awake for two hours!  which is a big contrast to last semester when i was usually slightly late to my class at ten am.  there's something about a consistent summer routine that's extremely satisfying to me.  i'm a creature of habit, naturally, but routine in the summer time makes me happier than usual school routine.  possibly because it seems more achievable.

however, i will admit waking up at six is tough when you just didn't get to bed quite on time.  i've found some real connections among my fellow interns.  when victoria and i moved in, we discovered we held very similar philosophies on eating meat and food in general.  we both hold a generally whole-foodist approach and are vegetarian {except for the seldom exception of happy home-farm-raised animals}.  gregory, another intern in our group, holds very similar beliefs.  slightly more strict on the vegetarian scale than i am, but much less vegan than me, with a passion for cooking and ethnic food, he is an absolute foodie - heart and soul.  i didn't get enough sleep last night because my before-bed routine {which involves quite a bit of talking on the phone to several different significant people} was pushed back by my new-found food lovers.

as victoria and i were on our way out the door to scope out some local indian food, gregory texted us both.  "to all vegetarians and flexitarians, thai food off the cuff at my place!  be there around six."

thai food and indian food are about equal in my book - two favorites.  and really, free vegetarian food that i know is going to be healthy?  who could resist??

long story short, the food was amazing, the conversation was steller, and the company made me feel a little more at home in seattle.  not to mention, i now have a long list of recommended health food markets and other food-related destination points to visit in seattle.  several, i'm sure, will become second homes.  we spent several hours talking vegetarian-talk, moving back and forth between the logistics of vegetarianism, vegetarianism and LDS beliefs, vegetarianism in the scriptures, our individual transitions to a whole-foods attitude, and the general food industry vs. whole foodism.

it's been much too long since i've had conversations of that sort, and i feel so blessed to have found a few people that share my passion for food in such similar ways.  it makes it easier here to cook for other people {something i love and thrive off of} and gives me a little comfort knowing that others will do the same for me - and i'll be able to eat knowing i'm having something healthy, something i would cook for myself.

thus was the beginning of vegetarian foodie night number one.  i'm sure there will be many more to follow over the course of the summer, and i can't wait to see my recipe collection grow!

seattle run

there are so many things that i haven't been able to post about lately!  but i'm determined to catch up - although i'm also well aware this catch-up might take me quite a while.  see, i don't exactly have the internet in my seattle apartment.  yet.  monday should be the day when all that is taken care of, but until then i'm trying to sneak onto other people's unsecured networks {which has only been successful once}, and i'm parking myself in the flourishing families office where the internet is free for our use.  the problem: i don't have a key to the office yet.  those are still coming and eventually i'll have one.  but for now, snagging some internet time is a little tricky.

even though i know there's a lot of catch-up for doing, i'm going to save that for when i can be cozied-up on my queen-sized bed with a large mug of tea.  that's when i'll write about graduation, my last days in provo, the road trip to the seattle, and the first stages of work and project move-in.  with a few pictures. . .a few.  my camera always dies as the most inconveniet time possible - which is now.

this morning, i went on my first run in the city, and oh it was so needed!  for some reason, running in a new city always makes it easier to love a new city.  it lets you get to know the city on a level you don't get from the driver's seat of a car.  my run was just a half hour, and i only ran up the main road that my apartment complex is conveniently located on.  but that was enough - enough to have me sighing at the old moss-covered bricks that surround all the trees and how everything here can stay so surprisingly moist even when it's not raining.  running is different here.  we're surrounded by slight incline in every direction which is very different from provo running.  the sidewalks are wide, for the most part, but usually also covered in mud.  i've heard there's a great running trail not too far from here.  it circles a small lake and is suposedly one of the prettiest places in the world {according to one of the project professors}.  i can't wait to find it and make it my own.  although i'm surrounded by many more people than ever before, it seems easier to run by that peace that running brings me.  the rain and clouds seem to mute most noise and the moss and trees make me feel like i'm in a forest - an illusion i'm happy about.

i've been running alone for most of my running existence.  but seattle is a little too big and too foreign for me to just take a run on my own.  luckily, my work partner {rebekah} feels the same way.  she's positive and sweet and we seem to run really well together.  eventually, we'll be joined by brooke - the work partner of my roommate.  we seem to all be at about the same pace and all want to step things up a notch and find a race or two this summer to run.  i'm more than thrilled to have some running support!  it was one thing i was most nervous about - finding a consistent schedule that would work for other girls as well, finding other girls that seemed about on-pace with me, finding places to run without getting lost.

the latter is still a concern, but i think it'll come eventually.  i have a pretty good layout of the surrounded two or three miles. . .which i understand isn't much, but it's a start!  especially for someone as directionally challenged as i am.  i know where the nearest grocery store, mall, and target are.  which is a big, big step!  it does help tremendously that we are only minutes away from all.  and while i'm still definitely working on the layout of the apartment complex {it's massive}, i do know where the flourishing families office is, the guys' apartment with a television and massive movie collection, and my own apartment are located.  and at the moment, that's proabably all i need!

later today, i can't wait to go exploring a little.  i'm going to make a list of all the things i want to see and do in seattle this summer - probably not exhaustive, but massive, for sure.  i'm open to suggestions!  in fact, i WANT suggestions.  please.  because i'm starting at nothing.  ooookay, not really nothing.  i want to find that running trail, and i want to go to an ethiopian restaurant, and find the city gum wall.  more to come on that!

and now, it's time to really start my day.  i've had my chocolate peanutbutter oatmeal, showered and now to do some unpacking before my meetings!

it's cloudy, with the ever-present mist heavy in the air this morning.  really, the weather is absolutely fascinating to me, to be honest.

{ps. this was written this morning at 7:30 on a word processor while sitting at the kitchen table watching the beautiful seattle morning rain shower and watching the squirrels scamper away for cover.  now, while i'm posting i'm sitting in the flourishing families office watching the afternoon rain shower.  rain, rain, rain.  it's so much more beautiful than i thought it would be!}

why, yes. i do live in seattle.

that's right, folks.  i live in seattle.  my room is a mass of practically immovable boxes that i dragged up six flights of stairs.  my roommate is awesome. i'm pretty much finished eating out.

the city is incredible.  and beautiful.  and. . .more green than i knew existed.  and. . .wet.

and i have to unpack. and figure out what's for dinner - and where a grocery store is.  and find out how to have internet in my room.

so, i'm going to do those things.

yes, i'm feeling a little disconnected.

but the squirrels and crows outside on my balcony are very friendly new neighbors.