sufficiently humbled.

i've been in freak-out mode for the last few days.  okay, so maybe i've just had really bad pms - which {i admit freely} every few months turns me into an emotional monster.  and yes, for the past several days, i've been nothing short of an emotional monster.  i've complained about tiny things that really didn't matter, i angered over things that normally would have me laughing.... you know the drill.  mostly, my natural reactions to basic situations have been out of control.  for example, when the second counselor in my single's ward asked me {today} to speak in church next week, before i stopped myself, i blurted out, "NEXT WEEK???"  he stammered for a minute, then said, "um... i am sorry about the short notice."

i accepted happily, of course.  but i feel like lately my life's been in that sort of panic mode.  some unexpected happens and i freak out for a minute before realizing, oh yeah, this is just life! 

i could blame it on pms all i want, and believe me, it's a truth that everything has been absolutely exemplified by my reeling emotions the last week, but in reality - straight, unemotional reality - i've been on freak-out mode, too.

i've been so busy that a lot of the basics have fallen by the wayside a little.  running, sleep, eating habits, scripture study... it's all been extremely sporadic.  and today, during church, i felt very humbled.  very instructed.

i realized how much i've been relying on my own strength to get me through the first few weeks of this internship, to get me through being away from the people i love.  and i've been so afraid that my strength wouldn't be enough.  the crazed freak-out mode was a result of me knowing {deep down} that i just didn't have enough to do it.  and i don't - that, i know for sure.  i don't have what it takes to be this far out of my comfort zone every single day.  i don't have what it takes to be so far away from everyone i love so much and still have the emotional strength and capacity to do what i need to here and love them from far away.

then i realized how silly i was being.  as humans, i know we have a tendency to rely on ourselves - it's our nature.  but it's never enough.  and one of the biggest tests of this life is to see if we figure out who to turn to.  after realizing how much i've relied on my own strength the past little while, i feel a little ridiculous - because i know better.  but luckily, Heavenly Father is always there.  even when we realize He's been waiting a long time for us to simply ask.

and now that i've realized this, really and fully, i have a feeling things are going to be looking up a little.  it's always easier when two are carrying the burden of one.  and i know with His help, i can do a lot more than i even know.  which is so comforting, right now.  because there's a lot that i know i can't do on my own, in my future.

so today, i've re-evaluated my priorities and rearranged my time a little so i can put Him back in first place.  and it's extremely relieving to have finally realized that all i really have to do is ask, then listen, then obey.