sacred matters: dr. randy day

being at byu provides all sorts of incredible opportunities around the world and on campus.  tonight, i attended a lecture given by professor randy day - one of my very favorites from my time here.  he's the man in charge {so to speak} of the flourishing families project i'll be interning with this summer.  i've taken four different courses from him as a professor, and each time i've loved the qualities he so easily brings out in me and my peers as students.  from him i learned to really think critically, to develop my own ideas, and to challenge the ideas of others - even if they've existed for centuries.  through his prodding, i developed a confidence in my own ideas {especially when it comes to the social sciences}.  with his high bar of scientific creativity, i've written the paper i'm most proud of - my own small brain-child.  he's the biggest reason i'm even considering graduate studies in a little over a year.

considering, mind you.  that's still a year away.

tonight, i'm exceedingly grateful for his lecture.  i've been feeling. . .a little disappointed with my classes, lately.  last semester, i had to stretch myself more than i ever have, intellectually.  i thrived on the critical thinking process.  i thought about it when i didn't have anything else to think about.  it practically consumed my existence. i found myself {often} eating dinner and thinking about the connection between eating disorders and family processes.  {yes, i realize what a science nerd that makes me.}

this semester, i've just felt slumped.  my classes really haven't ignited that fire that i was so used to last term.  no one has told me they think i can create my own ideas - let alone articulate them well enough to form a researchable topic.  i've missed it.

tonight, that fire was rekindled.  i remembered how deep down i love research and love finding the answers to burning questions i have about families and the way they work.  once again, i feel motivated to learn, to push myself, and to share that information with everyone else so they know, too.  that way we can all grow together.

i might establish i periodic social science discussion on the blog, here. . .
the idea makes me happier than anything tonight!

thank you, dr. day, for helping me to remember tonight why i love research, family, and social science.  i needed a wake-up call!

nut butter fail + thoughts on my new electronic addition

fun plans tonight!  a few girls from high school/home ward are coming over for a collaborative taco night.  it will probably become the new tradition.  we all used to go out to dinner together once a month{ish}, but now ironically, we don't have quite the money we used to.

today, i was really craving nut butter.  but not just any nut butter.  i wanted something decadent, something extra creamy, something chocolate.

even though i was pretty much extremely hungry by the time i walked home from class (really, two-thirty lunch was never my thing), i decided that this nut butter had to happen.  sometimes, you just have to have some chocolate nut butter, right?  well... okay, i do! :)

i dropped my backpack on the ground and promptly gathered all my ingredients.  half almond, half pecan.  that's right, this was going to be deluxe.  sadly, i forgot one small detail.  my food processor valiantly takes on all the frozen bananas i throw at it.  most of time, it chokes through the nuts and dates till i can make them into balls for "cookies".  but i'd never tried to turn nuts to butter in this mini appliance before.

at first, i thought it was going to work!  it whirred {too loudly, as usual}.  after one minute, though, i'd given it all it could take.  so, relunctantly (but i'm sure to the relief of my neighbors), i gave up.

today, decadent chocolate pecan-almond butter = bitter nutty crumble.

it was okay on my chocolate peanut butter oatmeal though.  {but that's another story... can you say addicted??}

so, transitioning from my mini food processor fail to my new computer {still nameless}.

last post was a bit of a rant.  complete incomprehension of electronic devices does that to me, i guess.  really, truly, i am so darn thankful to have a computer again.  the week i went without was just. . .off.  i don't like to admit it, but i felt pretty disconnected.  lately, blogging is the main creative outlet in my life {other than food adventures every so often that do come out okay}.

so.  i'm happy to be back.  happy to have this little computer!

and i'm sure eventually, it will learn to behave itself and {in time} will also earn the privilege of being named.

i'm off to eat some bitter nut crumble!
{and prep the kitchen for the party.}

all of you that can, go eat some nut butter for me, will ya? :)

i'm baaaaack!

that's right.  i'm back up, back online, back to blogging! {not to mention doing homework...something that didn't get quite as finished without the convenience of a computer.}

here's the story {of my unexpected absence}:

one morning, i woke up late.  not unusual; this semester i've been waking up late almost every day i have class.  i hope to end this habit when the weather decides to let the sun shine in the morning.  scrambling for time, i turned on my computer to type up a paper quickly before i ran to class with no make-up on.  *note: this is how you know you have senioritis - when you're writing {not just printing} your papers a half hour before class starts.  yeah.... i digress.

so, i wrote the paper, hit the print button, crammed it in my backpack, shut my beautiful green laptop, and ran to school.  yes, i was over five minutes late.

fast-forward five hours.  i came home from class looking slightly disheveled because of my lack of umbrella in the rain, but i did not have mascara running down my cheeks because i never put it on that morning.  i went to room, opened my beautiful green {did i mention cooperative?} laptop to look up a few blogs, check my facebook. . . waste time.  after wasting a significant amount, i dragged my feet into the kitchen for lunch.  dragged.  you see, i'd been back from st. george for a week and still hadn't managed to get myself to the grocery store to buy produce.  and... a lack of produce = no motivation to cook.

i opened my cupboard.
i opened the fridge.

...and then i heard a strange sound coming from my bedroom.  something was clicking.  something was beeping in a really strange sort of way.

i went to investigate found a dead computer.  beeping, clicking, and a black screen.  i couldn't wake it up.  after a few minutes, it died altogether.  restarting it only aggravated the condition because it kept exclaiming {in capital letters} that it COULD NOT FIND THE INTERNAL DRIVE.  bad sign.

byu's computer repair center tells me the hard drive is fried - no chance of ever seeing those files again.  luckily, i have brothers-in-law in high computer places who assure me i can at least get something off.  i pray i can.  really hard.


but for the time being i have a new little laptop.  one that is not green, is short, and enjoys undoing all the customizations i give it.  that's right, this little brat is a dishonest computer.

i'm determined to tame it?  and give it a name.

once i stop being bitter about my dead baby laptop...the beautiful green one.

this new computer is insisting a few changes as well.  i can't stand the way my blog looks on the screen.  this screen is like....extra extra EXTRA stretch.  vertically, it looks like they were trying to save money, and horizontally, i think the designer thought he was assembling a wide screen television.  so, i think my blog looks really strange only taking up less than half the screen... so.  time to redo that. again.
i'm also going to be using grooveshark.com a heck of a lot more.  me without music is just a bad idea.  and at the moment, this unnamed silver object is musicless.

but.  for now, i need to stop trying to make it listen to my customizing suggestions and find something to eat.  because my neck hurts tremendously from looking down and craning my neck forward to see the minuscule text.  why? why make such a massively long screen and fill it with text {i swear} a font size 6? why?  unless every dell designer in the universe has eye sight like superman.  in which case, they should go back home.

and now... dinner.

predicament

you know, the funny thing about blogs is you have to have a functioning computer....

which at the moment, i don't have.

i can't wait to write about my race!  it was thrilling - and one of the best things i've ever done for myself.

but... until my computer's little brain gets fixed, i'm a frozen duck.  feathers stuck to my sides {as far as the blog goes, at least}.  and by frozen duck, i didn't mean duck meat... i wasn't talking about a dead duck, just a very very cold one.  like the ducks this morning in byu's little pond - frozen, not dead.

anyway. happy blogging.

i hope to return soon....

to my nanny

day fifteen.

task: write to encourage a friend and inspire her beauty.

my darling natalie fish,

     have i ever told you you're one of the most beautiful women i know?  you passions in life inspire me, your accomplishments motivate me, and your spirit of adventure gives me strength to do the scary things in life.  the beauty of your faith has strengthened me and fed mine so many times.  as i've seen your determination toward life and happiness and your continual work work work to achieve it, i've realized even more how great your example is.  your insistence upon happiness is contagious.  and that, itself, is beautiful.

     living without you here is lonely, sometimes.  i was so used to your constant bubbly exuberance for life.  your energy and happiness kept me going so many times, kept me seeing the good and the possibilities.  you live with a vibrancy that gives life {full, beautiful life} to everyone around you.

     thank you for playing the love game with me when i needed it.  thank you for letting me cry when i wanted to and telling me to toughen up when i was ridiculous.  i still play those games in my head - and i hope you do, too! the last year and a half of living so easily together has become a part of me.  thank you for giving me that!

    i love you a bazillion.

love,

{your} fishy.

p.s. it's been much too long since i've been properly dipped and bitten.

the un-outfit post #2

day fourteen.

task: ...outfit post. {a.k.a my excuse to blog about something else}

i never had a valentine's post!  i'm so sad i forgot!  so i'm going to do a valentine's recap + a few other random tidbits...  basically, this is {once again} creative liberty to celebrate my womanhood in ways other than take pictures of my clothes. which, as i've said, i'll get to.  maybe once. :)

valentine's day is my favorite.  okay, maybe not quite favorite, but when it comes to random holidays it gets up there on my charts.  i love love!  and i love to celebrate love.  a couple days before the fourteenth, my parents came through provo on their way to slc.  after breakfast, they surprised me with valentine's gifts!  admittedly, my favorite thing about the holiday is that my wonderful father gives me flowers and my incredible mother makes heart-shaped scones for breakfast!  this year, because i wasn't home i didn't get to enjoy scones by mom, but i did attempt them myself!

the flowers from my dad are still brightening my everyday!  because i wasn't going to be there for scones this year, my mom gave me a chocolate bar - dark orange. . .YUM.  it was definitely a treat.  i've been being super careful with sugar lately so my running will be tip-top shape for the race in a week.  the chocolate was much-needed and much-enjoyed!

speaking of this race, i signed up tonight!  the dogtown 9k and half marathon is going to eat my dust in a week, let me tell you.  actually, i'm a little nervous. . . :-}  this is my first race, and i've worked so hard to get to it, but i'm already feeling the nerves.  hopefully, this is one of those cases where i'm nervous for a week beforehand and then completely calm on the day of the event.

i planned out my training schedule at the beginning of the month and have stuck pretty close to it!  this week i've fallen off the grid a little bit.  i haven't had a car, and i'm a chicken when it comes to running in the cold.  but!  i've been adding in a few other things {besides running}.  annalisa, my roommate from last summer, was just certified as a personal trainer.  she and i went to the gym last night and she showed me a thing or two about weight-lifting.  i'm really new to anything other than running and yoga, so it was exciting!  as to be expected, i've been a little sore all day long, but it feels tremendous to have muscles sore other than the ones i run with.  tomorrow i'm hoping to tackle somewhere between five and six miles.... wish me luck!

so back to valentine's day.  genni and i decided that it was high time for a proper number 103 girls' night, and that valentine's day was just the right time to do it!  we went all out.  pulling our mattresses into the living room, we smooshed them together for a sleep-over.  

we both enjoyed the pile of blankets.  i think we used most of them in the apartment. . . which is quite a few!  and they came in handy during the movie.  i know, i know, valentine's day is the day to watch sappy chick-flicks!  but we just weren't in the mood for anything but my beloved lord of the rings.  i know.  i'm a nerd.  but it really is so darn good.

it may be quiet everyone once in a while with just two of us in the apartment, but when it comes to holidays, genni and i know how to celebrate.  it's been so fun with the two of us the last month!

of course, all sleep-overs have a few necessary ingredients.  we made pizza together, had hot chocolate, edamame, and {of course} chowed down on the valentine's scones i made earlier that morning.  it was a splurge day, that's for sure.  but you have to have a little treat every once in a while, and there's no better time than a holiday!
ps. the pizza and hot chocolate were to die for that night!

me and my food - usually the happiest part of my day.  well, besides running! :)

self image

day thirteen.

task: write about something you'd like to change about yourself for the better.

i am a big advocate of goals.  reading over some of my posts from a while back i laughed at how much that topic popped up unintentionally.  there are always quite a few things about myself i'm working on - i pick little projects, topics of improvement, i guess you could say.

right now, my biggest goal for change isn't really an actual change in... well, myself.  rather it's a process of becoming happy with myself the way i am {while still having a drive to improve}.  the way i view myself has taken a roller-coaster ride the past five {plus} years.  i'm working on changing that right now - diligently.  some days it's a painfully slow process, some days i feel like i make leaping bounds forward.  reprogramming my mind to think about myself differently is truly a slow process, and it takes more self-discipline than i ever imagined.  but i believe it will be worth the effort - a million times worth the effort.  my goal is to achieve a consistently healthy mindset of myself, to develop patience for myself, and to allow myself to not be perfect all the time.

i'm a work in progress. :)

and it's okay.

see, look at that - how far i've come.  i'm starting to believe it, and that's a big step in the right direction!

overcoming the programming

day twelve.

question: what wears you out as a woman?

well. . . i don't want to be a downer.  we're trying to keep a positive attitude here!  so, i'm tweaking this question slightly.  creative liberty, yaknow.

right now, the thing that wears me out is something i very much have control over - but i don't always keep it in check.  social comparison is a killer, sometimes silent, sometimes not so much.  i was in church last sunday singing the opening hymn when a girl behind me leaned over and to her roommate whispered (about the chorister) she's so skinny and beautiful!  social comparison is rampant around here {and really everywhere among women today}.  i catch myself at the indoor track sometimes thinking things like i would love to look like her or if i could have anyone's body, it would be hers.

it's more than hard to put a stop to all of that when it's in your mind.  but it's absolutely necessary.

social comparison is one of the most wearing things we do to ourselves and {in my opinion} one of the most difficult to overcome.  i'm far from saying i'm over it - it wears me out, i'll admit it!

but it's also important to know how to combat those things that wear us down.

i'm not the expert here, either.  but there are a few things i've tried that help me out!

1. look other women in the eye.  when i compare myself to others, i really don't think i'm thinking about them as women - women who suffer the same wear and tear i do, women who are my equals.  as i focus on looking at other girls in the eye, i take my focus away from comparing my body to theirs and place it on our common ground.  after all, they are women just like me.

2. list things everyday (start with five, then ten...) that you love about your body.  i started this a while back, and at first being sincere with myself was incredibly difficult.  but as i've continued, i find there really are things that are uniquely mine - that i can love about my body today.

3. wear comfortable clothing.  when i'm having a bit of a down-on-myself day despite my efforts, uncomfortable clothes make me want to stay home and never look at myself or other women again!  but if i'm comfortable, i don't think about it as much - i can forget about the way i look and focus on the task at hand.

4. have a hobby.  pick something you love to do - that you love so much you want to think about it all the time.  in situations where i feel myself falling to social comparison, i pull out my love box.  i think about the things i love to do, to create, that make me feel fulfilled.  it restores the sense of self-worth i need to keep my mind away from making comparisons.

do you have tips to avoid negative social comparison?

twofer one!

okay, maybe it's cheating to do catch-up questions all in the same post, but i guess that just means i'm a rebel.

day ten.

question: what is Christ teaching you as a woman?

to be honest, i ask myself that frequently the last while.  the ironic thing about figuring out what you're supposed to learn {or what you're attempting to be a student of} is a tricky task because you never truly know until after-the-fact.  i've learned recently {and am still processing the reality} that the only thing i can control in life is what i do.  that i can do what's right - what's exactly right - and the consequence might not be what i expect.  although i've always known i can't control the actions and decisions of others, i've really learned recently that i can't control the consequence those choices have on me.  which is a scary thought, sometimes.  but i think i'm getting used to it, slowly. . .

i know there's a ton more - that i'm supposed to be learning right now.  but i'm taking things one day at a time.  and hopefully as time goes on, i'll be able to look back at the culmination of those days and say wow, i really learned a lot.  after all, i'm trying to learn!  even if i don't exactly know what. :)

day eleven.

task: post a recipe!

well!  if you've read even a little, you know my obsession with new recipes, making up recipes, and raving about how much i love new food in general. 

i tried this a few days ago for dinner and it was quite a keeper.  i started with a recipe from ohsheglows {personally, an all-time favorite blog} and ended up with something very different... which usually happens because of a lack of on-hand ingredients (and this time the lack of an on-hand car and ready money to purchase those ingredients).  oh the budget of a college student!

curried {red & yellow} lentils with tofu

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 large red onion

1 medium carrot

1 large garlic clove

1 medium summer squash

1 tablespoon curry powder

1/2 tablespoon coriander

1/2 tablespoon cumin

1 cup uncooked red lentils

4 cups water

1 tablespoon lemon juice

salt & pepper

1 large green onion

1/2 block pre-fried tofu

okay... sadly, no pictures this time, but it's really beautiful stuff.  the spices make it come out bright yellow, creamy, and gorgeous!  first, fry the onion, carrot, and garlic in a big soup pot (with the oil.. of course).  when the onion is translucent, add the squash, too.  after the squash gets a tiny bit soft, add the spices and let them fry with the veggies for a minute.  add the dry lentils (so easy, i love it to death), water, and lemon juice.  bring to a boil, then reduce to medium heat and simmer for 25 minutes (stirring a few times).  after it gets pretty thick, add salt and pepper to taste.  i had a half block of extra firm tofu pan fried from the previous day that i tossed in with the lentils for the last 5 minutes (just enough to warm the tofu, but not enough to make it get crumbly).  it was fantastic with the added tofu.  sprinkle chopped green onion on top at the end for a tiny kick!

perfect for a cold day when one is desperately in need of comforting, warming, delicious {and healthy} food!

also, genni found this picture and i couldn't stop laughing at it.  this is probably the epitome of college-life cooking, i think.  my personal picture goes this way with buying new ingredients that are out of my usual cooking routine.

silly. :)

i interrupt this series to bring you...

a little discussion on dating.

i know, thrilling, right?  i thought you'd think so.

story time!

when: last saturday, 9:00 pm to 12:00 pm

with: we'll call him mr. f.  {no, not mr. ferrars, he's elusive}

scheduled: saturday, 7:00 pm {last minute planner, apparently}

i had plans for saturday - quite, nice ones.  genni and i made delicious dinner together, had plans for homemade peanut butter hot chocolate {yes, i'm a fool for that stuff}, and redboxed the movie letters to juliet.  which is cheesy and charming!  perfect for a saturday night at home.  however, earlier in the day i was determined to convince someone to come rock climbing with me.  i've been wanting to for quite a while - it's an intriguing idea. unfortunately none of my gal friends were interested in learning by my side.

mr. f. called at around seven - about the time dinner was finished and the movie was starting.  he asked me to tag along while he went rock climbing that night, so. . . how could i resist? 

we finished the movie with just enough time for genni to help a frantic me decide which jeans would be the least hindering while climbing a wall.  and. there was still time for peanut butter hot chocolate after the date - that's an important fact.

to fill in, there is a little bit of background information important to the situation.  mr. f. has been asking me out since the beginning of last semester.  he's friendly, enthusiastic, entertaining, and kind of short.  for a while, these dates were consistent and despite the fact that i wasn't really attracted {at all}, i was determined to at least give him a chance.  soon, i was relieved of my obligation to ask him to stop paying for meals and such {i'd decided firmly that he was great friend material - but nothing more} because frequency began to wane considerably.  the strange thing is that it continued, just with decreasing frequency. . .and still does, sometimes often, sometimes quite a while will go by in between even a hello.  it's odd.  and i still can't figure out why it even continues to begin with - except the fact that i really wanted to go rock climbing. :)

anyway. . . i loved learning to climb.  it was exciting, new, and felt incredible!  i would love to go again, but only with someone who really knew how - like mr. f.  but i don't think i can push that any further and still feel morally correct.  i'm determined not to send signals in the direction of me wanting anything more.

i wish there were some kind of social LDS code for "hey! we like the same things and it's socially convenient for me to hang out with you, but i'm really not interested in anything but the social convenience and gain for myself."  selfish, i know.  but still - i would love to rock climb.  just not to encourage.

to get to the point, mr. f. kind of adds to my frustration with the unpredictability of the male species.  i know, i know, girls can be just as unpredictable.  but really? it doesn't seem that way to me.  i can't figure his motive to keep spending money on me for something that is clearly going nowhere.  i don't like instability.  i'm having a difficult time figuring out what's in his mind.

also. . . i wish there were another kind of code or sign for "hey. i really think you are quite a spectacular person and we would probably get  along great, so you should ask me out... or something like that."  because sometimes discrete signals just aren't quite received.  as i wish they were. yeah. :)

but that's another story!