all you need is love.

day nine.

question: what virtues do you value in yourself?

finding a way to answer this question is making me squirm a little bit.  to make myself squirm less, i'm going to pick one virtue i value in myself and use a very valid excuse: i've been listing the last several posts even though the challenge didn't ask me to.  so. . . for this one, i feel like i'm off the hook.

although sometimes it gets me into trouble, makes me look slightly ridiculous, or pushes me a little bit on the over-zealous side of the scale, i love.  i love easily, i love so many different things, and i love with all of me.  i'm grateful that i'm a passionate person and that i feel things with intensity.  maybe this seems like a bit of a contradiction: we are commanded to love one another and also to bridle our passions.  however.  i believe it is a virtue to be passionate about life - to truly take deep and powerful enjoyment in living.  i value that characteristic a great deal, and i'm thankful that i have enough love.

enough love for the people that will come into my life.

enough love for the places i'll go - the unusual and familiar.

enough love for all the different things i'll see, hear, smell, taste, and touch.

and enough love to love all the things i love in my past and all things held in the future.

and somewhere deep, i think i have that love for myself, too.  the love shelf just needs a good dusting-off, i think.

you always wanted to know my secret, didn't you?

day eight.

task: share a beauty secret.

...do i have a beauty secret??

okay, first thoughts: initially, this is what i typed: i'm in college, so naturally, i don't have a whole lot of time to spend on my looks...  then i thought this: wait, what am i thinking?  this says beauty secret, not physical appearance secret.  it seems this whole idea of breaking away from the idea that beauty is absolutely tied to physical appearance is a little tough.  but progress is progress!  and while there is physical beauty, that's not just what beauty is...

SO.

now to my real beauty secrets....

1. get enough sleep, eat lots of vegetables, and exercise enough for your body.

i think it's beautiful to see a woman who is wide awake and alive with energy!  and really, that's achieved through health.  that healthy glow that some women seem to just have is not really as random as i used to think.  it comes from truly taking care of your body, trusting your body, and doing what's best for yourself.

2.  take time to look presentable, then forget about what you look like.

there are so many things in this life more important than the way we look.  while it's important to look presentable {so you can feel confident}, it's easy to overdo it, too.  set a certain amount of time in the morning to spend on your appearance and after that time allotment, don't think about it again.  the most beautiful and attractive women are the ones paying attention to things outside of themselves - not to themselves.

3. smile.

it doesn't matter what you're teeth look like.  a smile brightens any face and most people's day.  the most beautiful women in the world smile - a lot.  smile at the people in the grocery store, smile at your cat when you're telling him not to chew up your friend's slippers {true story}, smile at the burned spatula you left on the frying pan {also true story}... you get the picture.  for me, especially when things have the potential to turn stressful {or even disastrous}, a smile can turn things into a laugh and dissolve all that built-up tension.  isn't life better if we laugh and smile at it, anyway? :)

some encouragement

day seven.

task: write a post to encourage another beautiful woman.

as usual, i can't choose just one.  i'm surrounded by so many beautiful, strong women - and really, we all need encouragement sometimes, don't we?  i feel like this entry has the potential to take over my whole blog!  but no worries.  i'll control myself.

my dear sabrina danielle,

          sometimes life likes to take us on a roller-coaster ride - even if we didn't pay for a ticket.  and sometimes {albeit less frequently}, the sky decides to drop a tornado on us at the same time.  but there are two important things to consider: science has shown that tornadoes can't last very long, and the longest roller-coaster in the world is only four minutes.  {which, granted, is a looong time for a roller-coaster, but stay with me.}  really, after a roller-coaster ride and a tornado, you might have crazy bad hair and a sore back for a couple days... but after that, think of the stories you could tell!  you know that everything happens for a reason, that each person we meet brings something to our lives that we need.  God knows what we need and when we need it.  always remember that i'm here for you no matter what - that you can come to me with anything and everything and i'll always love you!  you can do anything - one day at a time and with the help of all those who love you {which is a lot in case you were wondering ;)}.

all my love to you - cookies and ice cream and taxi services included.

love your jessi :)

starving for real beauty.

day six.

question: {jaded beauty.} has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

i'll admit it: i've been slightly apprehensive to answer this question.  it's one that i saw when i started the project (reading over the questions) and thought, wow... that one will be tough to tackle.  i don't have my thoughts completely together, but i'm going to give it a shot and hope it comes out making at least a tiny bit of sense.

at age sixteen, i was energetic, enthusiastic about life, and a perfectionist.  the problem didn't start as a desire to be thin, a dissatisfaction with my body, or even a conscious act.  in fact, i wasn't consciously aware of the strain i was placing on my body by limiting my food intake until my mother asked a very important question one night, a question that saved my life and started a new chapter.

she was sitting on the couch, and i was at her feet.  i was already emotionally weary.  it had been a long day, it was late at night, and my sixteen-year-old heart was broken so horribly it could never be repaired {or so i thought at the time}.  i don't remember what we were talking about.  i simply remember her interrupting the subject to place her hand on my shoulder and ask, jessica, why haven't you been eating?

i sobbed.  teenage mascara running down my face, hands and feet tingling from lack of oxygen, tissue box at my feet, i sobbed good and hard.

the truth was, i had no idea.  i didn't know why i hadn't finished a meal in the last several months. i had no idea why i had been so obsessive about buying a smaller jeans size.  reflecting in that moment i knew it was true, but i didn't know why.

once i tried to break the habit and started to form normal eating habits again, i realized how much the disorder had affected my perception of beauty, of myself and other women.  i had not been viewing myself or the women around me as daughters of God, beautiful human beings with the inborn potential to nurture, love, and create life.  i had been seeing myself and others as mere objects - machines that badly needed perfecting.

it was a slow process to change that mindset.

the journey isn't over yet.  but i'm a happier and healthier traveler now than i was five years ago, two years ago, even a year ago.

today, i'm working diligently to eat three meals a day, to exercise enough for my body each day.  i'm being flexible about what i eat, finding the balance between healthy food and still living a little.  i'm trying to consciously find a few things about my body to be thankful for every day {no matter how small}.  

today, i can say i have some theories.  my in-depth study of eating disorders from a social science perspective has given me a little window into my past.  through this i can see glimpses of the warning signs, the predictors, and the recovery stages.

today, i can say i work hard to be healthy.  some days it's a massive daunting challenge and others i feel the freedom of a healthy and correct view of myself.  but overall, i'm in upward motion - each down day isn't as down as the previous, each good one is higher than the last.

the world's definition of beauty stains each of us a little differently, i think.  it's the process of washing away those stains that molds who we are - little by little.  with the help of our Savior, overcoming any challenge is possible.  especially for healing the taint the world's definition of beauty leaves on the soul, His help is necessary.  because to Him, we are all beautiful.  defects, faults, and all, He takes us as we are, willing to save us each individually.

and that's the miracle: that no matter how stained, we can always develop an eye to see our own beauty and that of others.  little by little, day by day, holding His hand.

wake up, my heart

day five.

task: write a post thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.

is it possible to name one?

there have been so many people who have touched my heart.  however, i think the phrase make my heart come alive is one that requires a little more depth.  there have been a few, for certain, and to those individuals i am always grateful.  it was they who helped me to truly feel alive.  they helped me to be myself, trust my heart, and gave me wings.

to louisa may alcott:  to this incredible woman i will always be thankful.  her story, little women, made my heart come alive at a young age.  i soared with her characters' success and cried at their loss.  this was one of the first books to truly make my heart come alive.

to j.r.r. tolkien:  little women may have been one of the first to reach deep inside me, but the work of this incredible man stirred my heart so much that it started a lengthy obsession.  i'm still moved by his writing, deeply.  i'm thankful to him for creating characters that speak to me of unlikely heroes {even in the smallest}, of companionship and courage in the face of unlikely success, of hope and freedom and sacrifice.

to a boy i once loved: true friendship can make the heart soar.  i'll always be thankful to this boy for being a true friend, for accepting me just as i was, for encouraging me to be better, and for leaving me when it was necessary.  friendships, especially those that come into our lives to teach us and leave once we've learned, are some of the most awakening things this earthly experience has to offer.

to isa sandra moskowitz, terry hope romero, and rebecca bent:  these women made my heart come alive several years ago and still do today.  these are the authors of vegan cupcakes take over the world.  add to this of women my incredible sister, lori, for gifting the book to me upon my high school graduation.  once i started baking, i simply couldn't stop.  they helped show me that i could love food.  they showed me that food could make people happy.  and to this day i'm grateful for that.

to angela liddon:  this woman is an inspiration.  she's reached the very deep parts of my heart and shown me that there is hope for happiness and peace with myself.  she's a blogger, a baker, a runner, and a beacon of light to anyone that's suffered eating disorders and body image issues.  reading her writing awakens me in a way that makes me want to do something.  it motivates me to live, to love, to really wake up.

these are just a few - there are so so many people that helped my heart to wake up, little by little, and i'm thankful for each of them.  God brings people to our lives in interesting ways, always for a reason.  and because of that, i'll always be grateful to Him.

the un-outfit post #1

day four.

task: post a picture of your favorite outfit.

well, to be honest, i don't have a favorite outfit.  i have a lot of them!  my dad has always calls me punky brewster, and i love that he does!  for me, a really really good outfit day is one that i don't think i could pile on more patterns or colors if i tried.  no worries, i usually don't look like a fool when i leave my apartment.

BUT! no picture of that today!  i don't love outfit posts.... i don't know, it seems a little too much like.. "look at me and my CUTE clothes!"  i'll post one throughout this challenge, maybe, so my children can appreciate that i looked crazy even when i was their age.

something a little more exciting than an outfit happened today... i got a haircut! eeeek!

usually, the following happens:

stage 1: i hate my hair and schedule a hair appointment.

stage 2: i decide i really like my hair, consider canceling my appointment and am convinced by others to keep it - for my sanity and theirs.

stage 3: i consider a kazillion different hair styles, from pixie cuts to different colors.

stage 4: nervously, i go to my appointment.

stage 5: i come out hating life intensely.  i consider suing the stylist, shaving my head, and posting hate notes about the salon all over town.

stage 6: my roommates, friends and family avoid me for two weeks until i blow the steam off and decide it'll grow out.

but THIS time...

this time is different.  everything panned out as usual until i entered the salon.  i sat in a massage chair while they washed my hair, the stylist listened to me and took time on my hair - not rushed a bit!  and i walked out loving my hair more than i have in over a year... or maybe over two years.  for the first time in a long time, i feel very... me.  very very me.

it's really good to have me-hair back.

so.

this is it!  i tried to post a video... but it wasn't working. and i don't know why. soooo i'll get that figured out sometime soon and post it then. 

fun, yeah?? :)

professor

day three.

question: who inspires beauty?

it's late.  and i'm tired. but determined to proceed!

one of my professors a couple semesters ago was a woman who radiated feminine beauty.  she was in her mid-thirties, recently married, expecting her first baby, extremely tall, and beautiful in every way.  she had such a calm presence.  being around her was soothing and made me feel good about myself.  she was one of those people who brought out the beauty in everyone, and made everyone around her want to be a little better.  

i look up to her a lot.

thanks, professor erikson!

breakfast, lunch, & ripped jeans

surprisingly, there is no correlation between these two meals and the sad ending to my favorite pair of jeans.  but first things first!  and the first thing is breakfast! :)

i've been eating this breakfast almost everyday for the past two weeks!  it's really that good.  although if this keeps going i might run all the local health food stores out of muesli!

really, it's been my favorite.  it's takes all of two minutes to whip together in the morning and half the time i shovel it down just as quickly because it's so darn good!

strawberry chocolate goodness


1/4 cup muesli
1 tablespoon cocoa
1/2 cup rice milk

let that sit in the fridge for ten or fifteen minutes {or "overnight, as the swiss do!" as the packaging suggests}.
then add:

3 large strawberries, diced
1 tablespoon maple syrup
1-2 tablespoons almond butter
1 tablespoon unsweetened shredded coconut
1/2 tsp cinnamon

stir all together and just try to resist that deliciousness for more than a minute!
really, it's just about the best stuff ever.


today i had another little burst of cooking energy.  i've been a little sad over the result of my spinach artichoke dip for the last week or two.  the first try was pretty runny, and to be honest i'm not a fan of runny artichoke dip.  but i love it so much i had to give it another try!  this one was much more of a success. :)

vegan spinach artichoke dip


1/2 block extra firm tofu
1/2 block silken tofu
1 12 oz can artichokes
3 large handfuls baby spinach
2 green onions
3 tablespoons minced sun-dried tomatoes
1/4 cup vegenaise
2 small cloves garlic
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 1/4 teaspoons pepper
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon dried basil
3 tsp nutritional yeast

despite the long list of ingredients {for a time-pressed college student}, this one is pretty darn quick, too!  in the food processor, blend together the two kinds of tofu and the vegenaise.  pour these in a glass pan {i don't really know what size mine is...it's weird-shaped...little smaller than a 9x13}.  chop up the artichokes, spinach, onions, tomatoes, and garlic and slide them into the baking dish as well.  add all the spices and combine really well with a fork.  bake at 375 for 40 minutes!

i love when i decide to try something like this again - something that was a disaster the first time.  man, was it yummy!

okay, now for my poor jeans story.  i woke up this morning - a little late.  despite my resolution to be happy no matter what, i'll admit i was feeling a little down this morning.  i've ran really well this week!  but i felt pretty yucky this morning.  so.  scrambling for time, i ran to get my jeans out of the dryer.  my good jeans.  the ones that make me feel okay when i don't feel so hot in the morning.  they'd shrunk up a tiny bit, but that was usual.  after pulling them on, i zipped them up only to hear a loud riiiiiiiiiip!

i was horrified.  this was my FAVORITE pair of jeans!  sure enough, the entire backside had ripped in half.

i'll admit it, i threw quite a tantrum...aaaand was five minutes late to class, consequently!

true...these jeans were a year and half old.  pretty good life span, right??  but i'm still in mourning.  and now budgeting a little bit of money to buy myself a new pair next month {while also trying not to dread the chore of shopping for them}!

well... i do love new pants! :)

r.i.p. jeans {pun...intended}

i'm me, not you!

day two.

question: what makes you uniquely you?

well, i'm pretty sure there are a million other girls in general proximity with green eyes and caramel brown hair that stand five feet almost seven inches.  i'm just as certain there quite a few attending a religious university studying the social sciences.  and, as proven by one simple phone call an hour ago, i know there are at least three others at this university with the same first and last name as me.

but.

my guess is that not as many can say they've spent about four years as a vegetarian and vegan.  i feel my journey toward health alone sets me apart, a little.  putting a name to an illness at age fourteen started a snowball effect that's left me knowing more about whole foods, holistic living, and disease prevention than many at age twenty-one.  

that little demonstration alone shows that one of the largest factors in the uniqueness scale is our experience.  growing up in a family with six daughters, a dog, and two cats is a little bit different, as is being home-schooled through a good portion of my elementary experience.  two other factors adding to one's unique makeup are our loves and passions.  mine are a little unique because of their diversity.  visual arts, art history, music, chocolate, the sciences, math, literature, food, and running are just a few to start.  next, our enjoyments make us strikingly individual - no two people like exactly the same thing.  i enjoy the desert sunshine, frozen bananas, and yoga.  last, i think our decisions set us apart.  our past decisions shape the experience that makes us who we are today, but our decisions in the current moment - the ones that are shaping our future are the ones that really define our unique identity.  today, i choose to be happy.

i guess there's really no "one thing" that makes me unique, but the sum of my experiences, loves, passions, enjoyments, and decisions add up to someone that can't be replicated.  it's for that - the uniqueness i know is all mine and can never be taken away from me - that i thank my Heavenly Father for.  i'm thankful to be me.

and from now on, i'm going to strive to show that thankfulness a little more each day.

i'm not a poet, but sometimes i'm as cheesy as one.

today is the day! {...or should i say, tonight is the night!} yeah, didn't think it would be this late.

today, i'm starting project 31 - a blog challenge issued by blogger mandy at she breathes deeply.  as a disclaimer, i'm normally not into blog challenges. . .at all.  it's always felt too much like a journal jar.  you know, pick a piece of paper to tell you what to write because you can't think of any thing yourself.  but when i started reading this project on love wins (a new favorite blogger), i was surprised.  it had a different feeling.  at first, i couldn't pinpoint what it was.  it was just different.  but the more i read, the more i loved it.  finally, i caught a glimpse of the vision:

this project is all about our individual beauty as women.  the exact challenge is "for 31 days, blog each day about things that celebrate your God-given beauty and the beauty of the women around you."

can you imagine if all the women in the world {or even half...even a fourth} started celebrating the beauty that God gave to them individually?  

personally, that thought was empowering.  some of the greatest plagues are caused by the warped view of beauty we hold, the definition fed to us by modern-day media, and our attempts to conform to those definitions.

not only am i eager to be a part of something so very good, i also think this is a great way to start off my own new blogging topic: loveme.  keeping this correct view of myself and women's beauty has been a struggle sometimes.  i'm going to start approaching some topics that {for me} are a little sensitive, and i feel project 31 will help give me the right perspective as i'm starting a new journey.

so. without more ado. . .

day one.

question: what does beauty mean to you?

i've had quite a journey with developing my own definition of beauty.  i plan to talk a little later on about my struggle with eating disorders, personal identity, and confidence in myself.  however, over time i've come to learn that beauty is something unique to each person.  and the whole beauty of humankind is {in short} each individual's unique identity.  

today, while i was running at the indoor track on campus {it's much too freezing cold to run anywhere but indoors, lately!} i saw a girl that was tall.  i mean, stepping casually over track hurdles tall.  she had the longest legs i've ever seen in my life!  and i thought wow, she's really beautiful...  then a few minutes later, i saw another girl whose head was quite a ways below my shoulder {and my height is very average}.  i thought, she's so pretty!  later tonight, as i was thinking about my run, i realized that it's very possible they could both look at the other wishing to have those long legs or that tiny body.  

but they were both beautiful.

okay, that's a bit of a tangent.  what i'd like to convey is that beauty {physical or otherwise} stems from our differences.  each unique talent and quirk.  long legs and little ones.

beauty is in meeting a goal, overcoming a stumbling block, finding faith in Christ, learning to trust ourselves and others.  beauty is the combination of talents that only together can accomplish the greatest things.  beauty is realizing that i am beautiful just the way i am.  not wanting alterations, but always striving for a little better.  beauty is found when we realize we are the agents over our own destiny - our own happiness.  beauty  is having the courage to claim that joy.

and really,

joy is what creates beauty.