patterns.

the last few weeks i've been reminded that i'm not perfect - often.  life isn't crashing down or anything, i haven't had some massive humbling experience that will make me an incredibly better person in the future.  it's one of those on-going "this will make me a better person eventually" sorta things.  i've been quiet about my health for a little while because there wans't much to talk about - everything was incredibly {and blissfully} stable.  it was stable because my routine was stable - fairly, at least.

a few weeks ago, that stability was more than slightly overturned. . .gradually.  can something be gradually overturned?  maybe that's a really abstract metaphor.  but it was.  routine stability slowly turned into near chaotic living.

lately,

i don't do as much homework as i used to.

my sleep schedule has been the opposite of what i want it to be - meaning i've been going to bed early and waking up late, going to bed late and waking up early, and going to bed really late and waking up really really late.

running and yoga have been sporadic, at best.

food. . .oh, food. . .

my diet's been something like 70% pure sugar, 20% processed carbohydrates, and 10% actual digestable food.

i've been told that my room is a pretty reliable measure of my inner-state.  if life is stable, my room is impressively clean and organized - and it stays that way for weeks at a time.  however, my stress level, defined as the amount of change present and anticipated {thank you, family adaptation and resiliency for teaching me that life stress doesn't have to make me stressed} is directly correlated to the messiness of my room.  it's a positive line - and yes, it's usually exponential.

something like....

this.

so, that's a long explanation for one little sentence: i think my room is messier than it's ever been.

now, let me clarify slightly.  i'm not super stressed out - see, there's a big difference.

stress = the amount of change a person is undergoing.

stress =/ how stressed out i feel.

moving across the country + end of the semester + anticipating leaving things here i'm really attached to = a whole lot stress!

so, to get to what i wanted:

i haven't been doing as well as i'd like.  all this changing and anticipating the massive changes that are coming up soon has had me a little nervous.  this week it's caught up to me.  my neck has hurt more than usual - little remnants of fibromyalgia pain.  my clothes are all a little tighter than is mentally comfortable because my eating habits have been so off.  old vices tend to surface most during times of change.  i know this, so all this isn't completely unexpected.  and i've learned to manage it better - a week {or in this case, a few} of really off eating and a few extra pounds don't have me being intensely restrictive.  in fact, after recognizing how crazy my eating habits have been my reaction was very carefully intentional: keep three balanced meals a day, try to cut back on the sugar so i feel better.  it's difficult because it's still not my default.  but i'm learning, and i am incredibly impressed with myself for taking time to learn, instead of being reactive and restrictive.

anyone who's had a recovery processes of their own is aware of the monumentalness of what i'm doing.  recognizing patterns enough to stop the cycle is a massive part of pulling out of any addictive practice.  this is one really big "test" i've noticed since starting to mentally beat anorexia out of my life.  i'm glad i was able to recognize a pattern, and i'm glad that i've learned to react the way i now can.  it's been a process, but looking back i'm impressed with how much i've learned - even just this semester.  now, even though my room is still a disaster area, my health habits can all jump back on track instead of swinging to a different extreme.

overall, i'm a much more stable person than i was four months ago, or a year ago, or four years ago.  and it's good to reflect on that kind of monumental progress - especially when the going gets tough!

another reason i'm proud of myself today: i went to sleep at 10:00 pm last night, and i pulled myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning.  before my class started at 10, i'd written a paper, ran, made myself breakfast, eaten breakfast, and gotten completely ready for the day {aka, no ponytail}.  now. . .THAT is major progress, don't you think??

and we'll just disregard the fact that i only went to one class today because of how freezing cold i was. :)

speaking of, i'm off to find some really warm socks!

and make a crazy effort to deep clean my room. :)