on being real

after a several month break from writing, i came back to it for several reasons.  first, i wanted to write in this format again because i love it - it wakes me up, helps me feel alive and search for the good in life.  i decided to write again because it's therapeutic for me.  because in times when i'm not feeling like it, the act of writing stretches me to find ten things i love or just to put to words to what's going on in my mind.  there are lots of reasons, really.

one reason i decided to write again was to push myself to write honestly about negative emotion.  when i unintentionally stopped writing last summer, it was because there was a large void of positive emotion in my life.  i was dueling with depression again and couldn't bring myself to write openly about what was going on inside of me.  so i posted sporadically.  when i experienced something that brought me joy, i wrote about it.  when i saw a pocket of sunlight in the rainy city, i captured it with my words.  but i couldn't put words to the rain.  i denied my struggles even to myself.

today, i'm discovering the difficulty of what i've set out to do.  i've started a post about my fears four times, backspacing the first paragraph over and over.  

all i want to say today is that i'm fighting my fear.

today i'm afraid of being inadequate, being not good enough in so many ways.

today i'm afraid of giving up certain struggles because they give me protection, provide the excuses i need to justify certain behaviors.

today i'm afraid of failure, afraid of to try and not succeed.

today i'm afraid of giving up control over everything and everyone around me, even though i know i don't have it anyway.

today i'm afraid of being weak, being controlled and not having the self respect to stand up for my truths.

and there it is - no fancy metaphor.  today, i'm feeling a lot of fear.

on a more upbeat note, the onion rings turned out great last night.  aaaand although i slept in a lot longer than i planned, i slept wonderfully and feel rested today.  which is big, after working a ten hour day yesterday.

today, i've already spoken my truth to my boss and told him i wasn't going to fill in last minute at work tonight {with no excuse - i didn't tell him i didn't feel well and i didn't tell him i was too busy}.  no excuses, just a plain truth.  that's big for me.

now, after retaining my night off, i plan to enjoy the rest of the day.

give my fear to God,

let Him take control

and just see what happens when i muster the faith to try.

happy weekend! :)