staring at the ceiling

lately, i don't sleep well at night.  i turn and roll and toss and it's just a good thing my husband is a pretty deep sleeper.  i can never get my pillow just right.  it always feels off in one way or another: sometimes too high, sometimes not quite high enough, sometimes tilted at an angle that explains away every ache in my neck the next morning.

i've been waking up lying on my back, lately.  something i've never done before, despite back-sleeping being the healthiest and most beneficial way to sleep.  i've just never been able to do it.  there was a period of time {three or four months, maybe} when i forced myself to lie on my back until i fell asleep.  but even those several months, without fail i'd wake up several hours later lying on my stomach or side.  after a while, i compromised.  if it was impossible to turn myself into a back-sleeper, then i'd settle for making a side-sleeper out of myself.  and so it's been for quite a few years.  from stomach, an attempt at back, and then side.  my side was a compromise - it didn't hurt my back as much as sleeping on my stomach would, and it wasn't quite as difficult as falling asleep on my back.  so it became routine.

but lately i wake up in the mornings on my back.  note, i go to sleep on my side.  almost always my side, and yet i wake in the morning with my head and neck craning upward toward the white ceiling as i lie flat on my back.  only when i move the pillow does a smidgen of comfort return to the position.

it's as if my body is adjusting to the healthful routines i've set, determining that it will follow suit and cooperate with that once feeble attempt at my back-sleeping conversion.  maybe the tossing and turning are simply an attempt of my body to land me in a position that feels natural, healthful again.  perhaps it has something to do with not curling up in a corner of bed alone anymore.  possibly it has something to do with my sore neck legs and feet pushing me into the most nurturing and restful position that my body can muster.

whatever the reason, my health or my feet, i wake in the morning on my back.
and if this trend continues, i really ought to search for a pillow that doesn't crane my neck toward the sky as my body seeks a new comfort place.  because waking up to an aching neck just isn't doing it for me anymore.

i might just make a back-sleeper out of myself, yet.