i remember posts from the last several years full of love for running and immediately want to reclaim that rush. i haven't been running much lately, although i've been to the gym consecutively the last couple days. lately, i love to walk. long walks with my husband around the perimeter of campus after his classes have finished. brisk morning walks up hills. i hope to start running again soon, but only if i can reclaim that love. if not, i might be in search of something to replace that aliveness that running used to give me as i flew up and down hills, feeling free.
lately, i've been thinking about art. specifically, i've been thinking about the years when i spent five to six hours a day in the art studio of my university trying to get the color just right or the shading with just a little more contrast. i've been missing that, lately, remembering just how alive i felt when i'd paint and draw. i'd love to get back into it - break out my art again. but if it doesn't awaken that same passion, maybe i'll test my hand at sculpture. after all, i've always wanted to sculpt.
i can recall a time when every batch of cupcakes made me jump for joy. opening the oven to wonderfully rounded cake tops made my heart flutter. and now, a batch of cupcakes just doesn't thrill me the way it used to. true, part of that might be my screwed-up oven. but if it's not, i'm sure having a dandy time making my green smoothies taste like heaven and learning to cook meat. that's an adventure that makes my heart pound for certain.
last week, as i waited for my husband inside the bible building on campus, a crowd of teenagers came and sat in the seats around me. they were full of life - talking, laughing, praying out loud. they lived outward. there was true enjoyment in their rambunctiousness. and it was obvious they felt alive. i was taken back years and years, to the times i've felt most alive. i remember myself as a teenager: so many things i'm glad to have gotten over, to have gotten rid of. and then i felt a sort of missness. i miss that energy, that life. the feeling that my soul {every unfelt speck of it} is absolutely alive.
the point is i've stopped doing so many things that used to bring such enjoyment into my life. like drawing, baking cupcakes, running three miles straight up a hill to show myself how freaking strong i was. true, those things might not bring the same enjoyment and passion into my life now. maybe those loves have faded. but if they have, it's time to find more. because if working {nearly} full-time has taught me anything in the last several weeks, it's that i need things in my life that remind me that life is to be enjoyed. to be loved.
it might take some experimenting to find the things that do it for me just right now - in this different body, at this different stage. but i'm on a mission to find them, and darn it, i'm going to hold that feeling of life close to me until it comes back full force.
because i believe it: life is meant to be lived. meant to be felt. and meant to be loved.
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