i am enough.

it's a late night tonight.  i'd like to start writing and doing all my things i do before i go to work.  that way, i could come home, rub some oil into my sore tired feet and crawl into bed.  instead, tonight i came home and still have things to do.

today, i've been noticing my "not enough's" and shocking myself {yes, even myself} by how many ways i can tell myself i'm not enough.  today's prominent mental statements were...

i'm not skinny enough.
i'm not pretty enough.
i'm not in shape enough.
i'm not attractive enough.
{can you tell i had a hard time at the gym?}
i'm not funny enough.
i'm not a good enough employee.
i'm not motivated enough.
i'm not energetic enough.
i'm not healthy enough.
i'm not skinny enough. {again...}

and that's a load to unload.  it's interesting how i can say i like myself pretty well and then tell myself all of those things in the course of a day.  and a day during which i'm paying attention to what i'm telling myself!  the good news is that because i was mindful, i was able to contradict many of the above statements with some like this:

i am just fine the way i am.
my body is fulfilling it's purpose and is healthy.
i am loved and important.
i am responsible and do my best in my work.
i try to be kind to my body and that pays off.
funny might not be your strong point, but you have many others.
i can do anything for a minute.
i can do anything for a year.
i can do this.

although it was quite the downer to hear "you're late." right as i walk into work {three minutes.. that's all, really}, it made up for it mostly when my boss left and said, "hey, i appreciate you. when you're here i can leave and not worry about anything!"

that made working tremendously easier today.  today when it was so hard to get there, i am deeply grateful for a boss that {every once in a while} voices his appreciation and gratitude.  i'm also grateful to work with a funny girl who puts me at ease.  karlea is witty, snarky, and calm.  when i work with her, i come home feeling much less stressed than if i'd worked with several of the others in our team.  i'm grateful for her humor and positivity tonight.  she was a blessing to me.

although i am taking steps to become a more grateful person, i still feel as though the ordinary experiences that could bring me tremendous joy are escaping me.  i'm not feeling them.  not deep down, at least.  and i'd like to.  that's something that awakens passion in other areas for me as well.

which means that it's time to be a little more gentle with myself {and forceful all at the same time}.  a little more mindful.  to sit outside on the porch and feel the wind.  and feel nothing but the wind and the sun and the old wood underneath me.  to smell the cut grass, hear the chirping birds and do nothing but listen.

that sort of mindfulness sounds more restorative right now than any amount of sleep.  however, sleep will claim me.  most likely within the hour.  and that deep mindfulness will wait until tomorrow.

mindfulness sounding that appealing tips me off that i need more of it in my life {indeed, don't we all?}.  i'm glad a new week is approaching - it gives me a chance to evaluate everything.  sit and think about what i need more and less of in the coming week.  something i'll definitely be adding to my dailies is mindfulness.  a whole lot of it.

my muscles and mind look forward to tomorrow morning.

lastly, i'm grateful for water.  after forgetting my waterbottle at work today, the sip when i jumped in my car was heavenly.  i love water.  and after watching all those coffee drinkers refill their cups time after time, i'm grateful for my fresh metal klean kanteen.  yes, water is my friend.

and now to bed.
goodnight!