i strugs. and i love my dad.

strugs: n./adj.; an alternative form of the word struggling, invented by victoria and used frequently this summer to describe the general state of... well, me.

sympathy? scorn, maybe? actually victoria is quite a factual person.  i'm almost positive her use of the word is simply a fact, devoid of emotional attachment.  this is pretty apparent from the way she uses the word.  something like, "this is jessica. she strugs."

which reminds me of a time several years ago when (upon entering the kitchen), natalie {endearing older sister as always} introduced me to a very large group of friends like this: "this is my sister jessica. she's diseased!"

i won't go as far as to say i was traumatized, although the fact that the moment is burned into my memory speaks for itself.  at that point, i'd come to accept the fact that i was {as she so politely put it} diseased.

the point is, the last few weeks, i strugs.  although, i'm not sure i'm exactly using the word correctly.

at first, living in seattle didn't seem to phase me much more than making me forget to breath several times a day {stress or beauty... or both}.  i remember distinctly telling my mother that i expected to have at least a small emotional breakdown after being here for a week or so.  after all, it's kind of the way my body deals with change sometimes.  a good cry can be a good thing.  but for some reason, i couldn't really relax enough to cry, and everything just kept building up and up and up.

and then, i cried.  and since then, i haven't really been able to stop.  not to say i'm crying all the time.  but moreso than any self-respecting individual wants to cry.

i came to seattle with this team with the awareness that i might have difficulty with several things.

first, i'm on a team of perpetual over-achievers who have their lives planned by day for the next five years.  yes, i've been accused of being an over-achiever, but now that i've been placed in a league of them, i've realized the title is not mine, nor do i want it to be.  i'm a peaceful person, who likes simplicity, quiet nights at home, and a low-stress environment.  i don't think i want a graduate degree, and after i graduate i don't really know what the next step in life will be.  i'd rather be a full-time mom with a part time yoga-teaching job than a 40-hour-a-week career woman, if that's in the up-stairs plans for me.  for the girls on this team, that mindset seems unusual.  most of them know where they want to go to grad school (although i'm closer to graduation than most of them and i'm still unsure if i'm going to grad school or not).  most of them are actively moving toward a full-time career.  true, most of them also want to be mothers, but in the words of one of the female professors we met with, "why not have both??"

is it really that odd to just... not want both?  to be honest, the idea of having a full-time career while trying to be a good wife and even thinking about children just kind of makes me sick.  i take my hat off to the women that can do it all, while very simply saying, i'm just not one of them.

and then there's the endless debate of what actually is driving that personal desire.  am i just lazy to only want one instead of trying to have both at once?  would i rather not compete for full-time careers because i think i wouldn't have what it takes in that area?  would i be selling myself short or stifling the academic talent i've been given if i stop at a bachelor's degree, and in the future decline full-time work to raise children?

truthfully, i have never felt so tormented by the bind of that decision.  i understand this is far, far in my future.  however, i also understand that my present path will determine my future, and after seeing the dollar amount of my undergraduate education, i won't be choosing an academic path that doesn't lead to at least some financial compensation, if i chose an academic future at all.

really, i believe in marriage and in motherhood.  and i believe in those things as a highest life priority - way, way above a career for me.

society expects women to have successful careers, be wonderful wives and mothers, to do both at the same time and to want to do both just as much.  but... isn't it okay just to pick one?

mostly, it's wonderful to be surrounded by other young women who are high achievers because it pushes me see how far i can stretch - and teaches me my limits, too.  it's impressive to see girls who are driven enough to insist that life give them both {family and career} at the same time.  but it's also difficult to have different expectations, to want different things, and to value much different things in life, too.

and that's why i strugs this summer.  because it's hard to feel different.


by the way, as a way to end this discussion about society's expectation for women, i'd like to say...

happy father's day!!!

especially to my dad.

he is the best father that anyone could ever have.  i look up to him more than anyone else.  thank you, dad, for always being there to listen, to give me advice, steer me back on track, and make sure i'm doing okay.  i value your support and love so very much.  and i love you with all my heart!

have a happy father's day!