music

hours past midnight, and i really ought to be sleeping.  i have a drive in front of me in the morning - quick trip home and i'm already on my way back up to happy valley - and if i'm going to stay awake on the freeway, i need some sleep.  why am i awake, you ask?  well, it's because of music.

see, one of the more valuable things i lost when my little green laptop decided to die was my entire {and extremely cherished} music collection.  i say collection because it truly was that. i had  music on my ipod from early high school {mae, all-american rejects, relient k}.  i had music from every good friend who agreed to a music exchange party for years back, things like taylor the latte boy and pink martini.  i had a unique section from most of my lovers through my dating years - some really bizarre, some i listened to regularly.  artists as random as cartel, sea bear, and the byu men's choir.  the disney song kiss the girl from the little mermaid, the intro song from mission impossible II that my mom loves to dance to, a massive chunk of sabrina's music that she was generous enough to share with me {sufjan stevens, lady gaga, the shins}.

i had never listened to quite a bit of it.  a large portion of the never-listened-to section was given to me by a boy with language that wasn't quite up to par.  this part i'm happy to be rid of.  it sat there going stale because i didn't want to sort through it to find what was actually good and what was sour.

. . . i'm getting sidetracked.

to get to the point, despite the fact that i hadn't even listened to all this music, and that ninety percent of it wasn't actually mine, it was absolutely a part of me.  this itunes collection told a story.  the story of my friends, the story of my difficulties, the story of my twitterpated fantasies, the story of my lovers, the story of my heartaches and successes.  it told my story.

and it's gone.

is it really lame that this is the part of my old computer i miss the most?  i had papers on there that took me hours and hours - sucked the life out of me for weeks.  i had lists of everything important i'd accomplished in life and everything i wanted to someday check off.  years worth of budgets, creative writing, pictures. . .etc.  and yet, the part that seemed the most me was my music - because it told my story.

"this will be good for you!" chimes natalie.  {as she's helping me sort through a package of music i'd given her a while back to restore to my possession.}  "a new start!  you don't ever have to be reminded of that one horrible relationship again when his music starts playing on your computer...because it won't be there!"

and i guess that's just it.  i like memories.  i like the good and the bad - knowing where it came from, where i came from.  music is a big reminder for me - of all things good and bad.

a new start really is a good thing.  i think it's coming at an opportune time, a time when i needed to have my memory hard-drive wiped clean, slightly...metaphorically.  it scares me to let those things go, i think.  i hold on to them tightly because they're mine to remember.

but the last while i've felt very. . . new-start-ish.

i remember specifically, february 13th, coming home at about 10:00 pm and telling genni, "it just feels like the start of something new.  a new chapter. i don't know why yet, but something's different.  i can feel it."

and then i think of all the things life's forced me {against my will, more often than not} to let things go the last while.  it's been quite the load.  things i've lost, things lost on me, people i'll never see again, things i'll never read, little mementos that triggered memories - all gone.  and i think, maybe it's a good thing, this losing.  some of those songs were the only tie left to certain memories.  when i listened, i would remember things i otherwise wouldn't be able to recall at all.

and maybe it's a good thing those memories have been bound to my subconscious.  i think it's a not-so-subtle hint that i need to move on.

because if i expect to give a new chapter in my life full attention, i need to let the old ones stay old.  stay in the past.

and maybe the best way to do that was to wipe my hard-drive clean.  it seems a little brutal to me still.  but i guess drastic times call for drastic measures.

well.  the drastic measures have been made, and i'm waiting to see signs of drastic times.

don't get me wrong.  things are swell.  yes, even abnormally or drastically swell!  and i want that to keep going. but i'd also like to have a little foresight and understand why it was so important that i lose all that music and all those memories.

because really, i'm missing all the albums of jimmy eat world pretty tremendously right now.
but then. . .i think i've already found some more than decent substitutions. . .

here's to future music. . .and drastic times and drastic measures.

and also, natalie just suggested that sometime i write a comical version of this post outlining all the music i received from each boyfriend i had.  man, that'd be a list, for sure!
and yes, comical is a good word.

but that's another day. :)
goodnight, music-lovers!

ps. my cat just ate a really big bug.  ew... second thoughts about sleeping with her tonight... ew.

the {almost} last day of class celebration

for as long as i can remember, on the very last day of school my mom would pick my sisters and me up from class and take us out to ice cream.  it's just about the best last day of class celebration ever.  it takes priority over parties, friend lunches, and everything else.  last day of class ice cream is my favorite. ever.  being three and a half hours away from mom, i'm always a little sad on the last day of class when no one's going to pick me up and pay for my yogurt {because believe me, this tradition will not die}.  luckily {not to repeat myself too many times} i live with a couple fantastic girls that believe in traditions involving good food and the end of school.  i'm driving home on the last day, so we're a day early here.  we felt safe to assume at this point that no one will die before tomorrow's over with.

mine's the one with the oreo crumbs, of course.  ari's on the left, and genni's on the right.  because frozen yogurt tells a lot about a person, right? :)

my beautiful girls!

ari and me

devoured!

we talked about having a little book club over the summer - we're going to chose a book we'll read to talk about when we get back together again in the fall.  oh yes, and we are officially living together again in the fall - one story up for an extra window {yay!}.  we dreamed about summer plans, avoided going home to one last night of homework, and talked about animal testing... and cats falling from buildings... and rats on the top floor of the swkt.  weird, right?  who in the world would have thought they kept rats up there. . .

oh glorious yogurt.  it was a much needed reunion.  thank you, mom, for the absolutely excellent tradition!  and thank you, roommates, for keeping it up!

basically, i love my roommates.

because anyone who'll stay up to watch confessions of a shopaholic and eat this yummy goodness with me is just my favorite.

ps. that's overnight oats, cookiedough ice cream, AND peanutbutter banana soft serve. one of the best girls' night treats we've had this semester!

a few things i've enjoyed lately. . .

rainy day sleep-ins

polka-dot pajama pants

a clean floor

running with my music up super loud

long talks with my roommates late late late

the color code personality profile

sisters who take my surveys in the middle of the night

brothers-in-law that say the funniest things and give the best advice ever

midnight yoga

my internship girls and their straightforward opinions

back rubs that bring me back to sanity

lunch dates that leave me laughing for hours

pancake dinners right before bed

all things mutual

curly hair + the absence of bangs

peace, after searching and worrying

really big quilts wrapped around me everywhere

hard work paying off {fulton conference second place!}

patterns.

the last few weeks i've been reminded that i'm not perfect - often.  life isn't crashing down or anything, i haven't had some massive humbling experience that will make me an incredibly better person in the future.  it's one of those on-going "this will make me a better person eventually" sorta things.  i've been quiet about my health for a little while because there wans't much to talk about - everything was incredibly {and blissfully} stable.  it was stable because my routine was stable - fairly, at least.

a few weeks ago, that stability was more than slightly overturned. . .gradually.  can something be gradually overturned?  maybe that's a really abstract metaphor.  but it was.  routine stability slowly turned into near chaotic living.

lately,

i don't do as much homework as i used to.

my sleep schedule has been the opposite of what i want it to be - meaning i've been going to bed early and waking up late, going to bed late and waking up early, and going to bed really late and waking up really really late.

running and yoga have been sporadic, at best.

food. . .oh, food. . .

my diet's been something like 70% pure sugar, 20% processed carbohydrates, and 10% actual digestable food.

i've been told that my room is a pretty reliable measure of my inner-state.  if life is stable, my room is impressively clean and organized - and it stays that way for weeks at a time.  however, my stress level, defined as the amount of change present and anticipated {thank you, family adaptation and resiliency for teaching me that life stress doesn't have to make me stressed} is directly correlated to the messiness of my room.  it's a positive line - and yes, it's usually exponential.

something like....

this.

so, that's a long explanation for one little sentence: i think my room is messier than it's ever been.

now, let me clarify slightly.  i'm not super stressed out - see, there's a big difference.

stress = the amount of change a person is undergoing.

stress =/ how stressed out i feel.

moving across the country + end of the semester + anticipating leaving things here i'm really attached to = a whole lot stress!

so, to get to what i wanted:

i haven't been doing as well as i'd like.  all this changing and anticipating the massive changes that are coming up soon has had me a little nervous.  this week it's caught up to me.  my neck has hurt more than usual - little remnants of fibromyalgia pain.  my clothes are all a little tighter than is mentally comfortable because my eating habits have been so off.  old vices tend to surface most during times of change.  i know this, so all this isn't completely unexpected.  and i've learned to manage it better - a week {or in this case, a few} of really off eating and a few extra pounds don't have me being intensely restrictive.  in fact, after recognizing how crazy my eating habits have been my reaction was very carefully intentional: keep three balanced meals a day, try to cut back on the sugar so i feel better.  it's difficult because it's still not my default.  but i'm learning, and i am incredibly impressed with myself for taking time to learn, instead of being reactive and restrictive.

anyone who's had a recovery processes of their own is aware of the monumentalness of what i'm doing.  recognizing patterns enough to stop the cycle is a massive part of pulling out of any addictive practice.  this is one really big "test" i've noticed since starting to mentally beat anorexia out of my life.  i'm glad i was able to recognize a pattern, and i'm glad that i've learned to react the way i now can.  it's been a process, but looking back i'm impressed with how much i've learned - even just this semester.  now, even though my room is still a disaster area, my health habits can all jump back on track instead of swinging to a different extreme.

overall, i'm a much more stable person than i was four months ago, or a year ago, or four years ago.  and it's good to reflect on that kind of monumental progress - especially when the going gets tough!

another reason i'm proud of myself today: i went to sleep at 10:00 pm last night, and i pulled myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning.  before my class started at 10, i'd written a paper, ran, made myself breakfast, eaten breakfast, and gotten completely ready for the day {aka, no ponytail}.  now. . .THAT is major progress, don't you think??

and we'll just disregard the fact that i only went to one class today because of how freezing cold i was. :)

speaking of, i'm off to find some really warm socks!

and make a crazy effort to deep clean my room. :)

i'm obsessed with the weather.

weather.com just became one of my top ten most visited sites.  yep. . .it must be spring!  i know i'm officially obsessed when the hourly forecast stays open the entire day, and all the weather websites start remembering my zip-code.

. . .75 degrees? please?  that's not asking too much, i don't think!

the musician

i met the musician last semester in a class that changed me more than most.  dr. day's advanced family processes: it inspired me to apply for the flourishing families project internship; it helped me find my confidence in my academic ability in the social sciences; i was reunited with a kindred spirit {allison barnes}; and i met the musician.

after a first impression, i was intrigued.  a typical upper-division marriage and family studies course at byu usually consists of married men with one to three children {disregarding the women, because i'm talking about dating, here}.  most are interesting and have their heads on straight.  they are also very unavailable.  the musician was not.  he was, surprisingly, single.

longish sandy hair he'd push away from his face, slate blue eyes that could look right through you sometimes.  he owned one of the more incredible leather jackets i've encountered, along with a messenger bag that proclaimed, "why, yes.  i am extremely cool, aren't i?"  it was taunting.

and intriguing.  absolutely so.

allison and i had more than one inside joke about this dreamboat boy.  i came across a page of notes from the class a few days ago that was covered with back-and-forth scribblings.  it was blatantly obvious we were paying attention in class. . .just not to the professor!  silly, i know.  but we were both single, idealistic daydreamers, and the musician was an ideal subject.

really, other than his attractive physical self, what intrigued me was his thought.  advanced family processes required a lot of risk-taking comment and critical discussion.  i felt more mentally stretched to my limit in that class than any other.  but the musician seemed to have a firm grasp on that kind of critical thought - his comments were important to the discussion because he could challenge our authors and professors.  in a good way. :)

he was a thinker, and it impressed me.

to defend myself slightly, i'm not creepy. . .or shallow.  at least, i hope not!  my interest wasn't just determined by his gorgeousness always sitting across the classroom from me.  i wasn't mooning over a magazine model.  in fact, i can remember three distinct times that he spoke to me, last semester.  and once, he opened a door for me {which distracted me for several hours afterward}.  allison had the privilege of mutual social circles - she knew his roommates.  so naturally, i also heard snippets from her.  which makes me both less of creepy and not shallow at all, right??

anyway, he's entered the scene, lately.  he's become a part of my life, right now.  so, he needed a name.

"the musician" isn't an entirely fitting title.  but to protect his identity and my peace of mind, i have to call him something.  i toyed with references to the social sciences because it's a connection we share.  i thought about some sort of byu-academic-related title that just seemed much to generic and typical.  "the social scientist" made me want to leave the story off the blog altogether {although i'll admit, it's something i like about him tremendously}.  "byu boy" made me queasy and put images in my head of the typical clean-shaved, missionary-haircut clones that plague. . .i mean grace. . .this campus.  and then i looked back over that page of notes from advanced family processes.  "the musician."  it seemed to fit, decently, at least.  it's what i would call him {in jest} to allison before i actually knew him in any face-to-face, real sort of way.  and it stuck.

so, from here on out {for now}, you'll know who i mean when i talk about "the musician."


because it's sure to come up again. :)

be still, my soul.

this morning, i peeked through my blinds and found my world covered in six inches of powdery, clumpy snow.  the kind that weighs the trees down until the blossoming branches touch the side walk and streets.  despite my restlessness for spring, it was magical all over again - absolute proof i'm becoming more accustomed to provo winters than i ever thought possible.  walking at the south end of campus, i noticed the ducks seemed a little more than annoyed at the sudden cold spell than usual, and i smiled.  i dealt with the snow today better than the ducks did, i think.

this weekend is a highlight for me {of the semester entirely}.  general conference is one of my favorite holidays.  okay, not actually a holiday, but it felt like one this time around.  having two full days to soak as much spiritual strength as i can from my leaders is a privilege i treasure.  especially now, as i have changes springing at me from all sides, it was more than encouraging.  it was restful.  rest that i dearly needed {although i hadn't realized it before now}.

i feel rejuvenated.  like i have the tools i need to move forward.

there are a few things that have been worrying me lately.  the future {immediate and far} is on my mind more than usual, lately.  as a woman, i have a strong desire to have a family - someday.  i want that family to be my first priority.  however, as my bachelor's degree nears it's end {thankfully}, i have a large decision to make.  to have a master's, or not to have a master's?  i've been the pendulum in that clock for quite some time.  i know i could thrive in that situation, that i could love that education and the career it led to with all of myself.  but i worry it would distract me from what i really want in this life: to have a family of my own.  i know the temptation would grow to replace that with other things.  it would become easier to be more self-centered, easier to be only self-reliant, easier to be too. . .independent.

maybe it's a silly worry - i know plenty of women who have gone beyond master's degrees, with and without families who are living their lives in line with principles i value.  but then again, i know my weaknesses - some of them.  and i worry about putting myself in that situation.

this weekend, i glimpsed a little rest from that worry and those decisions.  while hearing inspired messages, i received my own little peace.  the thought that i would know what to do.  that i can pray and go to the house of the Lord to guide my decisions, peacefully.

i still don't know what to do.  i'm not sure exactly the things i should definitely pursue {as more options present themselves}.  but i know i'll be guided by my Heavenly Father to the course He would have me walk on.  i felt sure {through this weekend} that being in seattle over the summer will be difficult, that it will be more of a test than i've even anticipated, in more ways than i've dreamed about.  but i know now that it is what i am to do.  i know it's an experience meant to refine me, meant to make me stronger and help guide my future - as uncertain as it seems right now.

i know my Savior loves me and will be there to support me as i face things i'm still afraid of right now.  i know He can help me turn that fear into faith - for the two cannot exist in the same space, like light and darkness.  

i also know i need to sleep if i'm going to wake up to run in the morning {and yes, that's a need}.  

i sat down to write about something almost completely unrelated to all. . .this.  but apparently my subconscious had other plans.

tomorrow, i won't be quite as deep! :)

goodnight, world.  here's to waking up to spring again!

i have a bad case of senioritis.

a few minutes ago i sat down at my desk, opened my laptop {who is slowly earning a name - i've started brainstorming}, opened my little planner, and looked over my homework load for the coming week.

it looked a little like this:

• monday: discussion paper due, meeting with advisor to make sure i'm on track to graduate when i want to.
• thoughts: i haven't started this paper yet. . .i wonder if i could get away with skipping it.  i don't really want to meet with the advisor.  i should, but. . .
• tuesday: seattle travel plans have to be finalized {eek}.
• exciting, yes!  but the musician just got back from seattle, and he said it was difficult to navigate.  and. . .i'm not exactly a directionless individual, but i know i'm going to get lost.  well, adventure is out there! and coming up fast.
• wednesday: biography nine page paper due.
• this is one of those assignments that i hope will teach me never to procrastinate again.  at the moment, i'm on page fifty-five of the three hundred page biography that i have to write a nine page paper about by wednesday.  aaaaand every time i sit down to read, i fall asleep.  yeah, it's that dull.
• thursday: all day sucked up by the fulton research conference!
• that's right, folks!  it's finished - our poster is submitted and we're setting up on thursday.  because my schedule is free of classes on thursday, i'll be there the whole day filling in-between for everyone else that has to leave often throughout.  really, i'm concerned {almost most} about my feet.  a whole day standing in dress shoes. . .doesn't sound appetizing to me, especially when my feet already hate my shoe wardrobe.  new shoes before thursday? YES.
• friday: eight page marriage interview paper due.
• yeah. . .haven't done the interview yet.  this one will probably be completed {start to finish} on thursday night.

mostly, looking over my planner for next week made me realize that my senioritis is at an all-time high.  despite the fact i have a million things to do, i'm going to make a quick trip to the health food store, play my music really loud, clean my room, make granola to send to allison, and maybe talk to the musician a little more.  honestly, i kind of hope all these deadlines just. . .sort of. . .evaporate! 

*poof!*

gone. 

just like that.

but if not, it'll all be over soon!  for better or worse. . .

{and no, that's not an allusion to anything but my gpa.}

the LOVE game: V

1. i love every single bud on every single tree in provo today.
2. i love flowered skirts and cardigans.
3. i love a cloudless sky.
4. i love my sympathetic roommates as they wake me up to tell me i'm late for class.
5. i love the five-day forecast showing only one day this week below fifty.
6. i love walking into class five minutes late when the professor is right behind me.
7. i love my hair in bun on top of my head and out of my face.
8. i love company at breakfast.
9. i love frozen bananas - oh the potential!
10. i love spring cleaning. . .and packing {that needs to start oh so soon!}.

. . .on the flip side, i do not love box elder bugs, especially the one in my room.  yes, he's dead.  yes, i screamed.  yes, i'm considering throwing away the text book i smashed him with.  if box elder bugs didn't exist, spring in provo would be nothing short of glorious!

what do you love today?