to my nanny

day fifteen.

task: write to encourage a friend and inspire her beauty.

my darling natalie fish,

     have i ever told you you're one of the most beautiful women i know?  you passions in life inspire me, your accomplishments motivate me, and your spirit of adventure gives me strength to do the scary things in life.  the beauty of your faith has strengthened me and fed mine so many times.  as i've seen your determination toward life and happiness and your continual work work work to achieve it, i've realized even more how great your example is.  your insistence upon happiness is contagious.  and that, itself, is beautiful.

     living without you here is lonely, sometimes.  i was so used to your constant bubbly exuberance for life.  your energy and happiness kept me going so many times, kept me seeing the good and the possibilities.  you live with a vibrancy that gives life {full, beautiful life} to everyone around you.

     thank you for playing the love game with me when i needed it.  thank you for letting me cry when i wanted to and telling me to toughen up when i was ridiculous.  i still play those games in my head - and i hope you do, too! the last year and a half of living so easily together has become a part of me.  thank you for giving me that!

    i love you a bazillion.

love,

{your} fishy.

p.s. it's been much too long since i've been properly dipped and bitten.

the un-outfit post #2

day fourteen.

task: ...outfit post. {a.k.a my excuse to blog about something else}

i never had a valentine's post!  i'm so sad i forgot!  so i'm going to do a valentine's recap + a few other random tidbits...  basically, this is {once again} creative liberty to celebrate my womanhood in ways other than take pictures of my clothes. which, as i've said, i'll get to.  maybe once. :)

valentine's day is my favorite.  okay, maybe not quite favorite, but when it comes to random holidays it gets up there on my charts.  i love love!  and i love to celebrate love.  a couple days before the fourteenth, my parents came through provo on their way to slc.  after breakfast, they surprised me with valentine's gifts!  admittedly, my favorite thing about the holiday is that my wonderful father gives me flowers and my incredible mother makes heart-shaped scones for breakfast!  this year, because i wasn't home i didn't get to enjoy scones by mom, but i did attempt them myself!

the flowers from my dad are still brightening my everyday!  because i wasn't going to be there for scones this year, my mom gave me a chocolate bar - dark orange. . .YUM.  it was definitely a treat.  i've been being super careful with sugar lately so my running will be tip-top shape for the race in a week.  the chocolate was much-needed and much-enjoyed!

speaking of this race, i signed up tonight!  the dogtown 9k and half marathon is going to eat my dust in a week, let me tell you.  actually, i'm a little nervous. . . :-}  this is my first race, and i've worked so hard to get to it, but i'm already feeling the nerves.  hopefully, this is one of those cases where i'm nervous for a week beforehand and then completely calm on the day of the event.

i planned out my training schedule at the beginning of the month and have stuck pretty close to it!  this week i've fallen off the grid a little bit.  i haven't had a car, and i'm a chicken when it comes to running in the cold.  but!  i've been adding in a few other things {besides running}.  annalisa, my roommate from last summer, was just certified as a personal trainer.  she and i went to the gym last night and she showed me a thing or two about weight-lifting.  i'm really new to anything other than running and yoga, so it was exciting!  as to be expected, i've been a little sore all day long, but it feels tremendous to have muscles sore other than the ones i run with.  tomorrow i'm hoping to tackle somewhere between five and six miles.... wish me luck!

so back to valentine's day.  genni and i decided that it was high time for a proper number 103 girls' night, and that valentine's day was just the right time to do it!  we went all out.  pulling our mattresses into the living room, we smooshed them together for a sleep-over.  

we both enjoyed the pile of blankets.  i think we used most of them in the apartment. . . which is quite a few!  and they came in handy during the movie.  i know, i know, valentine's day is the day to watch sappy chick-flicks!  but we just weren't in the mood for anything but my beloved lord of the rings.  i know.  i'm a nerd.  but it really is so darn good.

it may be quiet everyone once in a while with just two of us in the apartment, but when it comes to holidays, genni and i know how to celebrate.  it's been so fun with the two of us the last month!

of course, all sleep-overs have a few necessary ingredients.  we made pizza together, had hot chocolate, edamame, and {of course} chowed down on the valentine's scones i made earlier that morning.  it was a splurge day, that's for sure.  but you have to have a little treat every once in a while, and there's no better time than a holiday!
ps. the pizza and hot chocolate were to die for that night!

me and my food - usually the happiest part of my day.  well, besides running! :)

self image

day thirteen.

task: write about something you'd like to change about yourself for the better.

i am a big advocate of goals.  reading over some of my posts from a while back i laughed at how much that topic popped up unintentionally.  there are always quite a few things about myself i'm working on - i pick little projects, topics of improvement, i guess you could say.

right now, my biggest goal for change isn't really an actual change in... well, myself.  rather it's a process of becoming happy with myself the way i am {while still having a drive to improve}.  the way i view myself has taken a roller-coaster ride the past five {plus} years.  i'm working on changing that right now - diligently.  some days it's a painfully slow process, some days i feel like i make leaping bounds forward.  reprogramming my mind to think about myself differently is truly a slow process, and it takes more self-discipline than i ever imagined.  but i believe it will be worth the effort - a million times worth the effort.  my goal is to achieve a consistently healthy mindset of myself, to develop patience for myself, and to allow myself to not be perfect all the time.

i'm a work in progress. :)

and it's okay.

see, look at that - how far i've come.  i'm starting to believe it, and that's a big step in the right direction!

overcoming the programming

day twelve.

question: what wears you out as a woman?

well. . . i don't want to be a downer.  we're trying to keep a positive attitude here!  so, i'm tweaking this question slightly.  creative liberty, yaknow.

right now, the thing that wears me out is something i very much have control over - but i don't always keep it in check.  social comparison is a killer, sometimes silent, sometimes not so much.  i was in church last sunday singing the opening hymn when a girl behind me leaned over and to her roommate whispered (about the chorister) she's so skinny and beautiful!  social comparison is rampant around here {and really everywhere among women today}.  i catch myself at the indoor track sometimes thinking things like i would love to look like her or if i could have anyone's body, it would be hers.

it's more than hard to put a stop to all of that when it's in your mind.  but it's absolutely necessary.

social comparison is one of the most wearing things we do to ourselves and {in my opinion} one of the most difficult to overcome.  i'm far from saying i'm over it - it wears me out, i'll admit it!

but it's also important to know how to combat those things that wear us down.

i'm not the expert here, either.  but there are a few things i've tried that help me out!

1. look other women in the eye.  when i compare myself to others, i really don't think i'm thinking about them as women - women who suffer the same wear and tear i do, women who are my equals.  as i focus on looking at other girls in the eye, i take my focus away from comparing my body to theirs and place it on our common ground.  after all, they are women just like me.

2. list things everyday (start with five, then ten...) that you love about your body.  i started this a while back, and at first being sincere with myself was incredibly difficult.  but as i've continued, i find there really are things that are uniquely mine - that i can love about my body today.

3. wear comfortable clothing.  when i'm having a bit of a down-on-myself day despite my efforts, uncomfortable clothes make me want to stay home and never look at myself or other women again!  but if i'm comfortable, i don't think about it as much - i can forget about the way i look and focus on the task at hand.

4. have a hobby.  pick something you love to do - that you love so much you want to think about it all the time.  in situations where i feel myself falling to social comparison, i pull out my love box.  i think about the things i love to do, to create, that make me feel fulfilled.  it restores the sense of self-worth i need to keep my mind away from making comparisons.

do you have tips to avoid negative social comparison?

twofer one!

okay, maybe it's cheating to do catch-up questions all in the same post, but i guess that just means i'm a rebel.

day ten.

question: what is Christ teaching you as a woman?

to be honest, i ask myself that frequently the last while.  the ironic thing about figuring out what you're supposed to learn {or what you're attempting to be a student of} is a tricky task because you never truly know until after-the-fact.  i've learned recently {and am still processing the reality} that the only thing i can control in life is what i do.  that i can do what's right - what's exactly right - and the consequence might not be what i expect.  although i've always known i can't control the actions and decisions of others, i've really learned recently that i can't control the consequence those choices have on me.  which is a scary thought, sometimes.  but i think i'm getting used to it, slowly. . .

i know there's a ton more - that i'm supposed to be learning right now.  but i'm taking things one day at a time.  and hopefully as time goes on, i'll be able to look back at the culmination of those days and say wow, i really learned a lot.  after all, i'm trying to learn!  even if i don't exactly know what. :)

day eleven.

task: post a recipe!

well!  if you've read even a little, you know my obsession with new recipes, making up recipes, and raving about how much i love new food in general. 

i tried this a few days ago for dinner and it was quite a keeper.  i started with a recipe from ohsheglows {personally, an all-time favorite blog} and ended up with something very different... which usually happens because of a lack of on-hand ingredients (and this time the lack of an on-hand car and ready money to purchase those ingredients).  oh the budget of a college student!

curried {red & yellow} lentils with tofu

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 large red onion

1 medium carrot

1 large garlic clove

1 medium summer squash

1 tablespoon curry powder

1/2 tablespoon coriander

1/2 tablespoon cumin

1 cup uncooked red lentils

4 cups water

1 tablespoon lemon juice

salt & pepper

1 large green onion

1/2 block pre-fried tofu

okay... sadly, no pictures this time, but it's really beautiful stuff.  the spices make it come out bright yellow, creamy, and gorgeous!  first, fry the onion, carrot, and garlic in a big soup pot (with the oil.. of course).  when the onion is translucent, add the squash, too.  after the squash gets a tiny bit soft, add the spices and let them fry with the veggies for a minute.  add the dry lentils (so easy, i love it to death), water, and lemon juice.  bring to a boil, then reduce to medium heat and simmer for 25 minutes (stirring a few times).  after it gets pretty thick, add salt and pepper to taste.  i had a half block of extra firm tofu pan fried from the previous day that i tossed in with the lentils for the last 5 minutes (just enough to warm the tofu, but not enough to make it get crumbly).  it was fantastic with the added tofu.  sprinkle chopped green onion on top at the end for a tiny kick!

perfect for a cold day when one is desperately in need of comforting, warming, delicious {and healthy} food!

also, genni found this picture and i couldn't stop laughing at it.  this is probably the epitome of college-life cooking, i think.  my personal picture goes this way with buying new ingredients that are out of my usual cooking routine.

silly. :)

i interrupt this series to bring you...

a little discussion on dating.

i know, thrilling, right?  i thought you'd think so.

story time!

when: last saturday, 9:00 pm to 12:00 pm

with: we'll call him mr. f.  {no, not mr. ferrars, he's elusive}

scheduled: saturday, 7:00 pm {last minute planner, apparently}

i had plans for saturday - quite, nice ones.  genni and i made delicious dinner together, had plans for homemade peanut butter hot chocolate {yes, i'm a fool for that stuff}, and redboxed the movie letters to juliet.  which is cheesy and charming!  perfect for a saturday night at home.  however, earlier in the day i was determined to convince someone to come rock climbing with me.  i've been wanting to for quite a while - it's an intriguing idea. unfortunately none of my gal friends were interested in learning by my side.

mr. f. called at around seven - about the time dinner was finished and the movie was starting.  he asked me to tag along while he went rock climbing that night, so. . . how could i resist? 

we finished the movie with just enough time for genni to help a frantic me decide which jeans would be the least hindering while climbing a wall.  and. there was still time for peanut butter hot chocolate after the date - that's an important fact.

to fill in, there is a little bit of background information important to the situation.  mr. f. has been asking me out since the beginning of last semester.  he's friendly, enthusiastic, entertaining, and kind of short.  for a while, these dates were consistent and despite the fact that i wasn't really attracted {at all}, i was determined to at least give him a chance.  soon, i was relieved of my obligation to ask him to stop paying for meals and such {i'd decided firmly that he was great friend material - but nothing more} because frequency began to wane considerably.  the strange thing is that it continued, just with decreasing frequency. . .and still does, sometimes often, sometimes quite a while will go by in between even a hello.  it's odd.  and i still can't figure out why it even continues to begin with - except the fact that i really wanted to go rock climbing. :)

anyway. . . i loved learning to climb.  it was exciting, new, and felt incredible!  i would love to go again, but only with someone who really knew how - like mr. f.  but i don't think i can push that any further and still feel morally correct.  i'm determined not to send signals in the direction of me wanting anything more.

i wish there were some kind of social LDS code for "hey! we like the same things and it's socially convenient for me to hang out with you, but i'm really not interested in anything but the social convenience and gain for myself."  selfish, i know.  but still - i would love to rock climb.  just not to encourage.

to get to the point, mr. f. kind of adds to my frustration with the unpredictability of the male species.  i know, i know, girls can be just as unpredictable.  but really? it doesn't seem that way to me.  i can't figure his motive to keep spending money on me for something that is clearly going nowhere.  i don't like instability.  i'm having a difficult time figuring out what's in his mind.

also. . . i wish there were another kind of code or sign for "hey. i really think you are quite a spectacular person and we would probably get  along great, so you should ask me out... or something like that."  because sometimes discrete signals just aren't quite received.  as i wish they were. yeah. :)

but that's another story!

all you need is love.

day nine.

question: what virtues do you value in yourself?

finding a way to answer this question is making me squirm a little bit.  to make myself squirm less, i'm going to pick one virtue i value in myself and use a very valid excuse: i've been listing the last several posts even though the challenge didn't ask me to.  so. . . for this one, i feel like i'm off the hook.

although sometimes it gets me into trouble, makes me look slightly ridiculous, or pushes me a little bit on the over-zealous side of the scale, i love.  i love easily, i love so many different things, and i love with all of me.  i'm grateful that i'm a passionate person and that i feel things with intensity.  maybe this seems like a bit of a contradiction: we are commanded to love one another and also to bridle our passions.  however.  i believe it is a virtue to be passionate about life - to truly take deep and powerful enjoyment in living.  i value that characteristic a great deal, and i'm thankful that i have enough love.

enough love for the people that will come into my life.

enough love for the places i'll go - the unusual and familiar.

enough love for all the different things i'll see, hear, smell, taste, and touch.

and enough love to love all the things i love in my past and all things held in the future.

and somewhere deep, i think i have that love for myself, too.  the love shelf just needs a good dusting-off, i think.

you always wanted to know my secret, didn't you?

day eight.

task: share a beauty secret.

...do i have a beauty secret??

okay, first thoughts: initially, this is what i typed: i'm in college, so naturally, i don't have a whole lot of time to spend on my looks...  then i thought this: wait, what am i thinking?  this says beauty secret, not physical appearance secret.  it seems this whole idea of breaking away from the idea that beauty is absolutely tied to physical appearance is a little tough.  but progress is progress!  and while there is physical beauty, that's not just what beauty is...

SO.

now to my real beauty secrets....

1. get enough sleep, eat lots of vegetables, and exercise enough for your body.

i think it's beautiful to see a woman who is wide awake and alive with energy!  and really, that's achieved through health.  that healthy glow that some women seem to just have is not really as random as i used to think.  it comes from truly taking care of your body, trusting your body, and doing what's best for yourself.

2.  take time to look presentable, then forget about what you look like.

there are so many things in this life more important than the way we look.  while it's important to look presentable {so you can feel confident}, it's easy to overdo it, too.  set a certain amount of time in the morning to spend on your appearance and after that time allotment, don't think about it again.  the most beautiful and attractive women are the ones paying attention to things outside of themselves - not to themselves.

3. smile.

it doesn't matter what you're teeth look like.  a smile brightens any face and most people's day.  the most beautiful women in the world smile - a lot.  smile at the people in the grocery store, smile at your cat when you're telling him not to chew up your friend's slippers {true story}, smile at the burned spatula you left on the frying pan {also true story}... you get the picture.  for me, especially when things have the potential to turn stressful {or even disastrous}, a smile can turn things into a laugh and dissolve all that built-up tension.  isn't life better if we laugh and smile at it, anyway? :)

some encouragement

day seven.

task: write a post to encourage another beautiful woman.

as usual, i can't choose just one.  i'm surrounded by so many beautiful, strong women - and really, we all need encouragement sometimes, don't we?  i feel like this entry has the potential to take over my whole blog!  but no worries.  i'll control myself.

my dear sabrina danielle,

          sometimes life likes to take us on a roller-coaster ride - even if we didn't pay for a ticket.  and sometimes {albeit less frequently}, the sky decides to drop a tornado on us at the same time.  but there are two important things to consider: science has shown that tornadoes can't last very long, and the longest roller-coaster in the world is only four minutes.  {which, granted, is a looong time for a roller-coaster, but stay with me.}  really, after a roller-coaster ride and a tornado, you might have crazy bad hair and a sore back for a couple days... but after that, think of the stories you could tell!  you know that everything happens for a reason, that each person we meet brings something to our lives that we need.  God knows what we need and when we need it.  always remember that i'm here for you no matter what - that you can come to me with anything and everything and i'll always love you!  you can do anything - one day at a time and with the help of all those who love you {which is a lot in case you were wondering ;)}.

all my love to you - cookies and ice cream and taxi services included.

love your jessi :)

starving for real beauty.

day six.

question: {jaded beauty.} has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

i'll admit it: i've been slightly apprehensive to answer this question.  it's one that i saw when i started the project (reading over the questions) and thought, wow... that one will be tough to tackle.  i don't have my thoughts completely together, but i'm going to give it a shot and hope it comes out making at least a tiny bit of sense.

at age sixteen, i was energetic, enthusiastic about life, and a perfectionist.  the problem didn't start as a desire to be thin, a dissatisfaction with my body, or even a conscious act.  in fact, i wasn't consciously aware of the strain i was placing on my body by limiting my food intake until my mother asked a very important question one night, a question that saved my life and started a new chapter.

she was sitting on the couch, and i was at her feet.  i was already emotionally weary.  it had been a long day, it was late at night, and my sixteen-year-old heart was broken so horribly it could never be repaired {or so i thought at the time}.  i don't remember what we were talking about.  i simply remember her interrupting the subject to place her hand on my shoulder and ask, jessica, why haven't you been eating?

i sobbed.  teenage mascara running down my face, hands and feet tingling from lack of oxygen, tissue box at my feet, i sobbed good and hard.

the truth was, i had no idea.  i didn't know why i hadn't finished a meal in the last several months. i had no idea why i had been so obsessive about buying a smaller jeans size.  reflecting in that moment i knew it was true, but i didn't know why.

once i tried to break the habit and started to form normal eating habits again, i realized how much the disorder had affected my perception of beauty, of myself and other women.  i had not been viewing myself or the women around me as daughters of God, beautiful human beings with the inborn potential to nurture, love, and create life.  i had been seeing myself and others as mere objects - machines that badly needed perfecting.

it was a slow process to change that mindset.

the journey isn't over yet.  but i'm a happier and healthier traveler now than i was five years ago, two years ago, even a year ago.

today, i'm working diligently to eat three meals a day, to exercise enough for my body each day.  i'm being flexible about what i eat, finding the balance between healthy food and still living a little.  i'm trying to consciously find a few things about my body to be thankful for every day {no matter how small}.  

today, i can say i have some theories.  my in-depth study of eating disorders from a social science perspective has given me a little window into my past.  through this i can see glimpses of the warning signs, the predictors, and the recovery stages.

today, i can say i work hard to be healthy.  some days it's a massive daunting challenge and others i feel the freedom of a healthy and correct view of myself.  but overall, i'm in upward motion - each down day isn't as down as the previous, each good one is higher than the last.

the world's definition of beauty stains each of us a little differently, i think.  it's the process of washing away those stains that molds who we are - little by little.  with the help of our Savior, overcoming any challenge is possible.  especially for healing the taint the world's definition of beauty leaves on the soul, His help is necessary.  because to Him, we are all beautiful.  defects, faults, and all, He takes us as we are, willing to save us each individually.

and that's the miracle: that no matter how stained, we can always develop an eye to see our own beauty and that of others.  little by little, day by day, holding His hand.