living life

"She always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day."
-- Virginia Woolf

courage

“For what it’s worth … it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

-- Erik Roth

Satuday Spontaneity

Happy Saturday! I read today that what you do on a Saturday afternoon is the best judge of what your passions are - that being what you do in your spare time. Today (after work), I've taken a little nap, spent a bit figuring out how to wear a new shirt I bought, played the violin, called a friend, and written this little post! Now, I'm about to go on a run and find something spectacular to snack on afterward. I guess that means I have a lot of passion...? Especially since my last Saturday afternoon looked much, much different....

Anyway, new hair as of the beginning of the week! I debated for quite a while whether I was growing out or going short again (the dilemma of my life), but the fauxhawk made a comeback. Eventually, it'd be really cool to have hair down to my shoulders again. Someday. Ha :)

So Project Declutter is coming along. Now that the clothes are all taken to Goodwill, I'm feeling the buzz and ready to move on to the rest of the apartment. Hopefully the remainder of the weekend proves productive. For the rest of the night, I'm off to Stake Conference, then to sushi! I'm not expecting anything much since we're staying here in land-locked little Abilene and going to their only Japanese Steakhouse, so maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised! Here's to hoping so...

love day

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'd like to play the LOVE game again! Finding things to love is good for the soul. It teaches my heart to be open and my mind to bring everything back to love. Basically, the love game was for yesterday, but since I'm celebrating all weekend (no, really i am) I figured this was still appropriate. And... when is it not? :)

1. I love sausage and kale for breakfast (with a leftover scone, of course). So yummy! A perfect start to the day.

2. I love having a job where I can read anything I want. Pleasure reading is just as good as I thought it would be back when I had a stack of textbooks next to my bed.

3. I love my fauxhawk. Today it makes me feel like I'm a blue jay.

4. I love knowing there are packages headed my way. I forget all about the mail for weeks sometimes, but when I know something's coming, the anticipation has me thinking of my mailbox every time i come home.

5. I love the kind man who came into work this morning. When people are uncommonly friendly and cooperative, it just makes my day.

6. I love Valentine's Day! I know it just seems overrated to a lot of people, but I love to celebrate love of every kind - love for my family, love for food, love for chocolate and the earth and the birds and love for God. Love makes the world go round and setting aside a day to celebrate that fact is a brilliant idea in my book.

7. I love days I get off work in the early afternoon. It's really wonderful to come home in time to make dinner, exercise and still have time left over for a few projects.

8. Lately, I love a good afternoon run. Typically I think of myself as a morning exerciser, but after some thought I realized that probably a majority of my workouts happen between noon and 3:30 pm. I guess once winter sets in, I can't help but go out in the sunshine when I have the chance!

9. I love having things to donate to Goodwill. I'm so blessed to have an excess in my life, rather than a lack.

10. I love the beginning of the weekend! This weekend, I'm definitely looking forward to some time around my house and outside in the warm(ing up...) weather.

Happy Week of Love!

sunrise in my heart

I am grateful for the sunrise.

Sometimes when I get too deep, I start to think about how the earth is just one big symbolic cycle going round and round from days to seasons and back again to the beginning. I think there's a reason for all that - all the changing, the growth, the dying, and rebirth of another day, another season, another cycle. I don't really think we know the reasons, just the comfort of reality and repetition: the sun rises again, winter doesn't last forever.

The sun rises again.

Yesterday, I was grateful the day was over. The end found me dissatisfied and in want of a restart button. So I went to bed, closed my eyes, and waited for the natural restart to take place. The sun came up, and I barely noticed. Sometimes it's mornings that find me late for work when I appreciate a touch of pink left in the sky more than ever.

A beginning as large as the rise of the sun - the being that gives our entire world the gift of sight - can have a stilling affect on the earth. It's a rapid change, a push forward unlike any other. Whether we want it or not, a new day comes. As it does, the whole world seems to pause, to wait. The birds throw their rejoicing to any ear willing to listen, the sky catches fire and reflects in all the ponds and rivers and oceans in the world. And, if we take the invitation, we stand still. We reflect. We watch, wait, and wake up to the wonder of our existence a little more than we had before. It's a conundrum that a push forward like the rising of the sun can have the power to still the world - make it reflect.

My mother told me about a woman she knew once who never missed a sunrise. There are too few in a lifetime, she thought, to miss even one. This idea rolls around in my mind lately, pressing me to take the time to let the sunrise be a part of my life. Or, to let the sunrise be a part of my life more than it is when I catch its tail-end going only-five-over-the-speed-limit on my way to work. I'd like to live that principle: never miss a sunrise. I'd like to live that principle, in a more literal way than simply always being up before the sun. 

On mornings when I wake up late, when I eat as I'm driving to work, on mornings when I open my eyes and see the alarm clock instead of the rays pouring through the blinds, when I don't open the windows to hear how happy the birds are that it's light again, on mornings when I only realize it's already light as I open my door to leave for work, those are the mornings I miss the sunrise in a very, very real way.

On mornings when I wake to that jazzy cellphone alarm and stretch and smile in the sunlight I can see through the blinds, on mornings when I take off my sunglasses on my way to work so I can soak up every last drop of yellow-orange and pink in the sky in front of me, when I pull the blinds back before eating breakfast to watch the birds wake up and start to sing, on mornings when I think to say a silent prayer of gratitude that the sun came up again today, and on mornings when the sun rises in my heart with the same power it rises on the world, those are the mornings that I don't miss the sunrise.

I'd like to have many, many more of those mornings, catching the happiness of morning birdsong and carrying it with me all through the day.

Oh, how I am grateful for the sunrise.

birding #1

we are adventuring! 

at the beginning of the year, we decided that last year we sat around more than we'd like. it was great to have a good amount of time to just sit and chat, cook together and read books indoors. and there's more both of us want to do with our free time.

i have a good long list going of projects.

together, we decided it was high time we started documenting more of our adventures. more pictures! more spontaneity. more... fun.

so, last sunday we went on our first official birding adventure:

Phantom Fort Hill Lake

it was 30 degrees. in texas language, basically that might as well be -30 degrees.

all those white specs way out there are American White Pelicans. they are HUGE. and beautiful! we saw a little flock of thirteen.

they look a lot better through binoculars! :)

these are our gull friends.  they tolerated us and stayed pretty close - all the others we had to keep a pretty good distance from or they took off!

this was an absolutely beautiful morning. the sunrise was pink and orange coming up over our backs on the lake. we saw five Great Blue Herons, thirteen American White Pelicans, a ton of Ring-billed Gulls and one California Gull. one funky little Black-necked Stilt (with long bright red legs!), some little Gadwall clans, and a few we haven't identified yet.

i'm glad it's warming up because there are definitely more of these outings in the near future!

.

lately, i love the days i can exercise first thing in the morning, before work. getting up and getting it done just feels so. darn. good. and coming home from work to get into pajamas instead of running clothes is the best.

after work today, i went for a half hour walk. yesterday it was warm and sunny and beautiful - about 78 degrees and sunny skies! (in the middle of january....i know!) i assumed it would be the same today.....and i was wrong. ha! when i finally jumped in the car my fingers were so numb i could barely bend them. my lips had been blue for hours since work is a constant ice box, too. now, sitting in my pajamas and over-sized sweat-shirt, i'm still shivering a little (and it's been three hours ago now). i'd really like to turn up the energy on my body's heating element. how exactly does one do that?

i'm going back a few years today on a jimmy eat world kick. mmm mmm, they are good. remembering music from years ago is like closing my eyes one night and waking up five years ago.

our little pond is growing in attractions lately. the winter birds that flock there involve ring-billed gulls, great blue herons, a snowy egret, grackles and starlings (as always), and northern mockingbirds. i love how much the birds change with the season. the snowy egret is absolutely beautiful! but a big part of me misses the summer scissor-tailed fly catchers (my favorite). curiously, the robins have disappeared. they claim a whole corner of campus in the summer and we assumed they would almost double since many robins migrate to texas in winter. but it seems that abilene is a part of texas they migrate away from. i miss them.

lastly, i love friday night. after work on friday it feels as if the whole world is free. free as a bird! here's to the weekend.

january test run

it's a friday january evening and i'm thinking goals tonight. i've been thinking goals for a few nights, in fact. i'm not one that likes to set goals on january 1st to start keeping on january 1st. somehow, that's always seemed too quick. not enough time to really think about what i'm committing to, not enough time to reflect on my old ways and sometimes mourn their going.

so i spend much of january just thinking - thinking and jotting down notes on half-sheets of paper that inevitably end up who-knows-where. ironically, i decided to jot down notes on my laptop this go-around. on "notepad." just as i was really generating some good ideas (and not really reviewing much - on paper and out of my head...) my laptop shut down. i'm not sure if my husband kindly decided to turn it off for me one night (we're working on turning off our electronics at night) or if it finally had enough of being left open 24/7 and shut down to update as it periodically does. but anyway, i hadn't saved that notepad document. which means i lost my brainstorming.

the cool thing about google and thus blogger is that is saves automatically for you. i will never need to remember to press "ctrl/s" while writing a post because it does it for me. how cool is that?

so here goes.

this year i'm thinking a lot about limiting the media i intake. no, not some bizarre year-long media fast. but really. i've noticed so much the last several months how unfulfilled i am by the internet. while at work, i can spend all my free time browsing facebook, pinterest, blogs, internet shopping and generally being bombarded by thousands of advertisements that give me an underlying sense that i simply don't have enough stuff, don't make enough money, am not pretty or skinny enough and don't have enough friends. after a day of leaving my internet up at work, i come home wanting. in a complete attitude of lack. and frankly, i'm sick of it. i've deleted my pinterest account three different times now since beginning it because sometimes i don't like to see all the possibilities or all the amazing DIY projects everyone else appears to be doing. sometimes i think i'd have a more active imagination if i'd just let it do its own thing and find its own inspiration instead of seeking it on everyone else's pinboards. rant. anyway... the point is this: i think i would be a more fulfilled, happier person if i spent less time on online social networks and more time connecting with real people, writing my own stuff instead of reading others' stuff, and pursuing my own creative hobbies instead of browsing all the new possibilities. self-imposed internet restrictions are being considered.

this leads me that hobbies thing. i have more time than i think i do. true, i'm a believer in life being more simple - we don't need to do as much as we think. but really. i have hobbies i'd love to pursue. i want to pick up the violin for real again. i want to learn to knit. i want to start seriously writing. i've been moving around an "art box" for three years without really using it. hobby goals are in the works.

speaking of simplicity, i can always do better. i'm content with my crammed little apartment. and it would be awesome to get rid of all the boxes of clothes, finally clean out our over-stuffed closet and just throw a bunch of the junk away that i haven't looked at in a year. wouldn't it be awesome to have a house filled with things that were only functional, beautiful, or deeply sentimental? spring cleaning, i say. for a year.

the organization is going to extend to the blog, too. i have a few big projects planned for this online journal i keep, one of which being to categorize and organize my archives so everything has labels and is easily searchable. i like to review to see what i've written before and that'll be a lot easier once my blogland gets organized.

there's a lot more rolling around in my brain. continued recovery goals like keeping the weight-loss mentality out of my life and having a healthy-living perspective instead. goals of gratitude and positive psychology experiments on myself. goals for my running and strength. goals for work and savings and money... lots of goals. lots of things to look forward to.

january will be the test run. if the goal is really important, it'll stick around. otherwise... well, life only ever has time for the really important things.

--

on a completely unrelated note, i saw a snowy egret at the pond today. really, they are the coolest things - so pure white! i hope him and the blue heron can live peaceably together for the remainder of the winter.

the breaking point

thursday. it's always thursday.

i've learned the value of keeping things clean. everything functions better when the dishes are consistently done, the blankets folded, the bed made, the trash picked up, the desk....well, the desk is never what i would call "clean," but typically it's as close to clean as a desk belonging to an artist and a student married with no filing system is going to get.

we keep things fairly tidy around these parts. most days we clean up the meals right after we eat them. most days we tidy things up before we hit the sack so we wake up to a clean(ish) apartment.

and then comes thursday...

thursday seems to be the point at which that all goes out the window. actually, back up. wednesday night i have late meetings and thursday work is always early. thursday is typically a long day for us both and by the time we get home, we realize that we didn't clean up after breakfast on wednesday, lunch tupperware is still on the counter, and we're lucky if left-overs are in the fridge from the previous night. so thursday. thursday's the day when i walk in the door and want to start a revolution against the dishes and blankets and clutter.

can you say throw everything out the window we haven't used in two days?

i can.

luckily, the mess is resolved by friday afternoon (typically). then the weekend starts off on a better note than a hoarder's nest.  okay, it's not ever even close to that kind of thing, but you know when it feels that way because you can't remember why you're keeping the box under the desk or the stack of papers on top? (there's a reason...i know it.)

i clean because i deserve to live in a home where my mind can be at peace.
i clean because i love myself enough to let myself relax in a clutter free (don't look in the closet...) apartment.
i clean because i'm worth cleanliness.

in a way, thursday is a good reminder to check my schedule, not to make sure i don't miss the next appointment, but to make sure that i delete at least one appointment. thursday reminds me that unless i want to hire a maid i need to make my home-life a priority (and really, i don't want a maid). this thursday i was reminded that i need to take the time to slow down and refill the birdfeeder! those poor birds - i haven't even paid attention to them for three days.

i'm not one to live for the weekends despite the fact that i adore my days off. but thursday is the reason why we need weekends. and that's the reason today that i am thankful for weekends, early-off days and a cleaning-partner. otherwise, i would run out of dishes really really quickly.

and i suppose the reason to be thankful for periodic relocation is that eventually the darn closet will get sorted out... right? :)

i'm off to get seconds of dinner - the cilantro smell on my hands is just too irresistible!

bay leaves and gratefuls

today, i ate a bay leaf. it was 90% chewed before i realized what i was doing. yes, i was pretty darn hungry. such are my 10 hour workdays - waiting for one of my back-ups to walk past my door so i can yell at them to pleeaaase come in so i can have a break!!! 

luckily, the leaf was all that bad. it was sitting in stew for about five days before i ate it, so it wasn't all crunchy like you would think a bay leaf would be.

gratefuls!

- i'm grateful for 70 degree sunny weather while others are hunkered down with no power (my prayers are on the east coast).
- i'm grateful for halloween. i saw more creative pumpkins and cool costumes on facebook today than i have in a long while. and most made me smile (instead of gag)!
- i'm grateful for close friends that i can text when i need a loving voice - i'm glad i have people to turn to.