confessions

if i didn't believe that tattoos are a desecration of a great gift, i would want to be a tattoo artist.  because really, i think there's a lot of great ink out there.  it's why i love henna.
if i did drink coffee, i'm pretty sure i'd love a tuxedo latte every morning.
secretly, i wish i could move deep into farm land, grow and raise all my own food, never wear makeup or do my hair again, and milk cows every morning.
lately, despite my certainty three months ago that seattle was the worst place on earth, i wish i could go back.
sometimes, although i want a big family more than i want anything on earth, a life lived with my husband, a dog and a great line-up of races sounds best.  guess that's why i don't have children yet.
i still call myself an artist although i haven't put pencil to paper in that way for years.  when i say i'm an artist, i don't say that deep down i'm terrified that i've lost that part of myself and replaced it with research.
i've been trying to work up the guts to dye my hair red for the past six years.
a year ago, i started thinking about going to hair and beauty school.  although i faked the death of that dream when i got married, it still intrigues me enough that i think about it several times a week.
i love fiction most because it helps me believe that magic and fairies and dragons still exist - we've just lost the ability to see them. {shout out to fablehaven. i'm a believer.}
although i would never wish myself back in high school in a million years, i miss having a good group of girlfriends to go out to dinner with more than just about anything.
sometimes i wish that reincarnation was a real thing.  if it was, i'd really like to be the lead singer in a rock band in my next life.  {side note, the song galileo by the indigo girls is one of the best songs ever written.}
i want so much to start racing consistently {and i have for a while}.  it's obtainable, and after a year, i still can't put my finger on what's stopping me - other than fear that i won't be able it.
all it took to shake my confidence in the kitchen was a malfunctioning oven.  after burning three batches of granola consecutively, i'm scared to undertake another expensive baking endeavor.

often {lately}, i think i don't really know what i want in my life right now.  i'm in search of a dream.  in search of something that's just mine to go after.  whether it's a cat, a career as a hair designer, or a marathon.  just something that feels like it's mine.  and me, something that's really really me.