a change in the making

a haircut is coming. i can feel it.
lately, i've been daydreaming about myself with one of these:

leaning toward this one i think...

but then. i love this one more than just about anything.

and this is just awesome.

obviously, i have no idea what i want, yet.  but it's coming.  and it's coming soon....

the day off.

within the last several weeks, one phenomenon keeps repeating itself: on the days i work {despite the fact that both taylor and i are gone all day} the house turns itself into a tornado disaster area {not supposed to be funny.  while living in abilene, there is nothing funny about tornadoes}.  our schedule on those days absolutely does not allow us time to do damage control.  so... if i work for a several consecutive days, the house throws a bigger and bigger tantrum until in some areas the floor isn't really visible.

i take full responsibility for my portion of this wreck.  ....and that means a vast majority of it.

so, my day off turns into the damage control day.

i've worked four full shifts this week consecutively.  and last week, the damage control just didn't happen.  thus, my day off today consisted of cleaning our room and part of the kitchen.  both rooms are now at least livable.  as to the rest of the house... let's hope i don't work on monday. ;)

today's good things:

*waking up to my husband making me a green smoothie with spinach, kale and collards and an ezekiel english muffin with lori's incredible cookie dough almond butter.  i was almost jealous of myself, then i realized i didn't have to be.

*skyping with da mama.  man, it feels good to see someone face to face {well...as close as it gets, you know} and have good conversation!

*reading my graduation cards from my sisters and families.  yeah, i cried again.  i ought to put them away so i don't become entirely unstable.

*getting out of bed at 9:30 am.

*finally cleaning out my email inbox.  from 22 unread emails down to 2.  oh yeah, baby.  oh yeah.

*not getting one single text from my boss.  hallelujah i've maxed out my hours this week without him paying me more and giving me benefits.  now he can't ask me to anything else.

*looking at my bright blue nails all day.  there's just something about painted nails that has me feeling pretty and put together.

*wearing real clothes - yeah, that work uniform got old real quick.

aaaaand i'm off to make brownies.  oh yeah, brownies from dreena burton's new cookbook let them eat vegan.  thanks again, lori, for making my food life a thousand times better today, and to mom for sending me the recipe.  it's a good life when there are brownies involved.  it's a better life when the first person to make them was dreena burton.

i've changed.

lately, i'm the kind of person who wakes up on time.  i'm the kind of person who showers every morning, and most afternoons after hitting the gym after work.  i'm the kind of woman who makes two loaves of homemade bread every other week and reads her scriptures every day.  i'm the person who still speeds five-over even though everyone else in texas is driving five-under.  the last few months, i've been the kind of person who thinks i'm sleep deprived when i get six hours of sleep for three days in a row {and then i have to remind myself what i did all through college...}.

i'm the girl who makes her husband dinner most nights, but still complains that i'm too tired some days, too.
i'm the person who has enough self control to go a whole three days without sugar.  and the girl who lets herself have a treat every few days.

i'm the wife that makes my husband stop the car in the middle of the road late at night so that i can roll down my window and whisper here, kitty kitty to the little stray across the sidewalk.

i'm the girl that puts on makeup five out of seven days and washes my face every single night.

i'm the roommate who hasn't put away her clothes for the past two weeks and makes a new commitment every day to respect the mutual spaces.

i'm the coworker who no longer forgets her tips {and thus no longer gives her tips to the girls working she does}.

i'm the artist who has picked up a sketchbook once in the last three years {practically}, but keeps it on the table in case an open hour inserts itself into my day.

i'm the girl who's in dire need of a haircut, a good sun-nap, and could use a good beach-body work out.

i'm the girl who prays a lot lately, makes other people their coffee, tries not to resent her boss, and remembers to say i love you often.

the one who sleeps in when she gets the chance.
reads in binges.
longs for a dog and eats bananas obsessively.

i'm the girl who looks back at her facebook pictures and wonders how in the world she's changed that much in just about every way imaginable in such a short time.  and yet, i'm still the girl who gets frustrated every few days that nothing seems to be changing.

but tonight i realize that when i feel that frustration, i can just let it go.
like i would in yoga.
because although change is imperceptible in the moment, looking back on days and weeks and months and years, nothing ever stays the same for very long.

reaching for my pencils.

i'm realizing it more and more lately: art is in my blood.

since finishing school, i feel i've been searching for something.  something more than just a thing to fill my time with.  i have plenty of those.  something different than a look how much i accomplished thing.  i was searching for an outlet of sorts.  there were things inside me that needed to be let out, needed to run rampant and have their say, needed to be expressed, demanded attention.  and i needed a thing with which to give them voice.

i've seen this happen to my sisters.  several years after lori was married, her cooking and baking became more than just food on the table, more than just giving her family the respect of a beautiful meal.  it became creation, expression and love.  several years after mindy was married, she started running - really running.  working out became her outlet, her go-to.

i love to make food, i really do.  but when it comes down to it, i'll admit my relationship with food is still at quite a love-hate stage.  pouring myself into creating food isn't satisfying my hunger to express lately.  and while working out it one of the few things i can absolutely whole-heartedly count on to put me in a good mood and stabilize me for the remainder of the day, i don't have a magnificent drive for it.

and then there's my art.  my art that i vowed i wouldn't give up if i decided not to make it my career and then promptly put it away for more than two solid years.  my art that draws so much out of me, has the capacity to take what's inside and make it physical.  my art that feels so rusty, feels so far away.  but it's been coming back of late.  after three full-body sketches i finally hit my groove.  true, i'm not near where i used to be as far as creative skill.  i can't put the things in my head on paper the same way i could several years ago.

but i think i'm moving with a different motive now.  i'm not trying to capture perfect replicas anymore and really i'm not trying to get back to where i used to be with art because i'm no longer that same person.  i don't really expect to produce anything of similar scale or quality because i anticipate my art will be taking an entirely new direction.  i'm a new person, it's a new medium to me in this phase of life.


i haven't been artsing continuously lately.  but i plan to try.  i plan to be more comfortable expressing with that medium.  that's the goal of late.



and then there's something swimming around in the back of my head about eating less sugar for the sake of the pain in my neck and inflammation and chard and kale and folic acid and omega threes and how food is something i don't want to have too much of a fascination with at the moment because i know the tweaking i'm going to do is going to make me slightly uncomfortable.  although i do love kale.

i also love a darn good frozen yogurt with candy bar pieces on it.
but really, i'm about at the point that i'd do anything to get the pain in my head and jaw to stop.  so... omega threes and folic acid, here i come.

farewell, espresso-less frappe.

...a sleeping in day

1. i love waking up in the morning and reading three chapters before i even get out of bed. {i better finish the hunger games series pretty soon because it's taking all my time!}
2. i love increasing the amount on the weight machines - an experience i've never had until now.  i love feeling strong and capable.
3. i love my blue-and-white checkered tablecloth.
4. i love my face free from makeup.  not thinking about smearing my mascara when i wipe my eyes.
5. i love homemade bread - it's a testament sitting on the counter that i'm learning, that i'm doing the things i always wanted to, that i can give my family healthy good food.
6. i love my days off - filled with things i ought to do, but with no guilt when mostly i just cook yummy things and read all day.
7. i love the clouded skies {when they aren't so thick the air strangles me}.  the highlights around the edges remind me of heaven.
8. i love my workout partner.  i wouldn't be this far along with my goals if not for him.  our mutual motivation is exponentially more effective than mine on its own.
9. i love writing in colored pilot pens.  it's like passion on paper.
10. i love my little toaster oven: my salvation when the big one proved almost useless.  and i think i want to give him a name...

and the job hunting resumes...

i've spent the last three days obsessing about finding a new job.  i've become a craig's list job stalker once again - checking the new job postings every several hours {okay, sometimes more...}.

i've become determined to find something better than where i'm at.  considering i haven't made this little per hour since i was seventeen, the hours are something horrendous to my body, and the work is much too physically demanding for me.  if i were in high school, i'd keep this job.  and call it great, too.

but i'm not.

and i'd just really like to have a job that's less demanding on my body.  i'd really like to never put another yogurt machine back together again.  and really, i don't think i'd mind sitting at a desk.

so here's a little prayer to the universe:

please send me some leads.  please.  if i have to work at this job another month, i know i could... going day by day, but the thought makes me ill.  and if i have to i think i might quit on the spot, which never looks good.  so please.  just a few leads into something that's more manageable.

and might pay the bills a little better.

please?

to read or not to read: the hunger games.

i'll be honest.  the last two days of my life have been absolutely consumed with thoughts of the hunger games.  i wasn't going to read the books - child slaughter isn't exactly my thing.  but then... they decided to come out with a movie.  and of course, my sister loves it and will be seeing it in just a couple hours.  my husband loves it. and naturally, i'm more than a little intrigued by the trailer.  so... i changed my mind.

yesterday, i started reading the book.  within the first two chapters, i was already wiping my eyes dry.  who can make a reader connect to their main character that quickly?  i was completely drawn in.  tonight, i have less than a fourth of the book left.  but sleep calls.  after all, i've spent my entire first day off this week devouring the book instead of sleeping, like i planned.  now i'll be sleeping so i can justify eating up the last portion.

i really can't wait to see if the movie does the book justice.  they never do completely {i'm biased that way}, but the previews at least seem enticing.  here's to hoping we get tickets for saturday night.

my fingers are crossed.

and i think i'm going to go read one more chapter before bed....

goodnight!!

angry old man.

some of the most brilliant ideas come to me while i'm cutting fruit.  at work this morning, i sliced up a pineapple, mango, kiwis and strawberries.  during the first fruit, a man came by to complain {for the sixtieth time} that we did not offer free coffee refills and to threaten that if we didn't offer free refills soon we would no longer have the pleasure of his business.  i kindly told him the decision had been made for a 10% off discount on refills and there would be no further adjustments.  {although what i really wanted to say was that we could survive very well without his business, thank you very much, and would he please take his ancient suit out of the store and go pout on someone else's tables.}  after he left, i seethed into that stupid mango.  i hated customers.  i wanted him to take his unwelcome opinion and put it in his coffin, then jump in himself.

and then i noticed what i was actually feeling.  invalidated.  completely invalidated.  like what i said had no weight and could not sway or sooth this man at all.  to put salt on the wound, i had told this same man last week that we were rethinking our refill policies {which we were}.  however, my manager decided against grossly discounting customers' second cup after i'd talked to the man.  then the man talked to my manager and told him that i said that he could have a free refill.  {again, invalidation.}

by this point in my train of thought, i'd moved on to the second fruit.  and while cutting the second fruit, i realized that if i was feeling invalidated, there was something i could do about it.  my emotional state, confidence, security and safety did not depend on that brat of a man.

so i started slicing strawberries faster.  and with each stroke, i told myself

i am divine.

i am a daughter of God.  and that means i'm royalty.  and that means i matter - a lot.

i can be happy no matter where i am or what i'm doing.

my emotions are a decision and i can choose not to be frustrated and let that man ruin my day.

i am beautiful.

i am worth it.

i am working for my family and providing a way for us to live our dreams.  and that's important.

by the fourth fruit, i was mostly happy.  and an hour later, i was smiling.

small victories are sometimes the best part of the day.

also, next time that man complains to me i'm going to tell him to take his homemade coffee and sit inside the starbucks next door if he's not going to buy anything.  when i get old, i want to be nothing like him.

sunday

today, i'm grateful for my husband, who is always willing to work through things with me until i feel better and have a plan of attack for the future.

today, i'm grateful for sundays with long naps, left-over carrot cake and spiritual renewal.

i'm grateful for pajamas,
and cardigans,
and window panes that keep out the wind.

i'm grateful for yellow rugs,
clean cold water,
and for fablehaven {which keeps my imagination alive}.

i'm grateful that my ears didn't close up although i haven't worn earrings in about two weeks.

and i'm grateful for a blue-and-white-checkered tablecloth that feels like home.

today, i'm mostly grateful for the rest that sunday brings.  for it's calm, it's restoration, and it's safety.

in search of serenity

after crawling into bed last night {as i said i was so excited to do} i realized that my blog told me i posted twice yesterday.  after spending several minutes thinking about whether or not i was insane, i realized what happened:  on the sixteenth, i came home from work, spent a few minutes browsing other blogs, wrote up a blog post of my own and pressed go.  i didn't realize that night that it had been posted several minutes after midnight - making it appear as though it were posted on the seventeenth.  then, on the real seventeenth, i came home from work, used self control and did not read other blogs before posting, and pressed go several minutes before midnight.  thus, i posted on both ends of the same day.

and that's life lately, working my job.  my job isn't bad, but sometimes it keeps me up frustratingly late.  and sometimes it makes me get out of bed irritatingly early.  and, truth is my body isn't liking the inconsistency of that schedule very much.  it isn't liking it very much at all.  tonight, while going over the weekly schedule with taylor, we realized that in order to get a sane amount of sleep we'd need to go to bed at nine sunday through friday night.  {as you see, tonight's already shot.}  then we realized that half those days, we already have obligations that run until around eleven at night.  and basically that means another week of hardly any sleep, long work hours, late nights and early mornings.  honestly, i don't know how it's going to work.

i've set up some good things tonight to help myself feel a little more on top of life.  like setting up new boundaries so i'm not care-taking and so i can have my needs met.  like checking in daily with how my self-talk and thought patterns are doing.  things like that to help move me along the path of feeling more ... sane.

also, this week's going to have a lot less sugar in it.  thankfully.

the point is, since work's started, i've felt pretty crazy.  some days my life feels pretty manageable.  some days i feel like i'm okay - on top of things for the most part.  and then it gets to be night-time and i start to have a mental melt-down about how i'm too tired to work in the morning, my feet hurt, my head hurts, i haven't gotten anything done i needed to on my day off.... yada yada yada...

i have a difficult time living in an unruly schedule, and that's the way work's been.  up by five some days, out till eleven-thirty some days.  so i'm making a decision to change what i can and accept what i can't.  which yes, it's a feat in and of itself to tell the difference.  but i can change my work situation.  or... i can try.  so try i will.  and while i'm trying to change things {aka, get a job that makes more money, works more consistent and manageable hours, and isn't so physically demanding}, i'll accept that right now this is the job i have and i can be happy and enjoy my time there.

after all, i don't hate it.  it just feels like i'm working more than i can maintain and it's still never enough.  so i'll work at the problem from both directions: try to find a more manageable job while also replacing that "not enough" thinking with more of "i'm doing all i can" thinking.  that's the idea, at least.  i have high hopes for the execution.... i think.

to end, here's something i'd like to be reading every day this week:

the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change.
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

taking, as He did, this world as it is,
not, as i would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right if i surrender to His will.

that i may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.