be still, my soul.

this morning, i peeked through my blinds and found my world covered in six inches of powdery, clumpy snow.  the kind that weighs the trees down until the blossoming branches touch the side walk and streets.  despite my restlessness for spring, it was magical all over again - absolute proof i'm becoming more accustomed to provo winters than i ever thought possible.  walking at the south end of campus, i noticed the ducks seemed a little more than annoyed at the sudden cold spell than usual, and i smiled.  i dealt with the snow today better than the ducks did, i think.

this weekend is a highlight for me {of the semester entirely}.  general conference is one of my favorite holidays.  okay, not actually a holiday, but it felt like one this time around.  having two full days to soak as much spiritual strength as i can from my leaders is a privilege i treasure.  especially now, as i have changes springing at me from all sides, it was more than encouraging.  it was restful.  rest that i dearly needed {although i hadn't realized it before now}.

i feel rejuvenated.  like i have the tools i need to move forward.

there are a few things that have been worrying me lately.  the future {immediate and far} is on my mind more than usual, lately.  as a woman, i have a strong desire to have a family - someday.  i want that family to be my first priority.  however, as my bachelor's degree nears it's end {thankfully}, i have a large decision to make.  to have a master's, or not to have a master's?  i've been the pendulum in that clock for quite some time.  i know i could thrive in that situation, that i could love that education and the career it led to with all of myself.  but i worry it would distract me from what i really want in this life: to have a family of my own.  i know the temptation would grow to replace that with other things.  it would become easier to be more self-centered, easier to be only self-reliant, easier to be too. . .independent.

maybe it's a silly worry - i know plenty of women who have gone beyond master's degrees, with and without families who are living their lives in line with principles i value.  but then again, i know my weaknesses - some of them.  and i worry about putting myself in that situation.

this weekend, i glimpsed a little rest from that worry and those decisions.  while hearing inspired messages, i received my own little peace.  the thought that i would know what to do.  that i can pray and go to the house of the Lord to guide my decisions, peacefully.

i still don't know what to do.  i'm not sure exactly the things i should definitely pursue {as more options present themselves}.  but i know i'll be guided by my Heavenly Father to the course He would have me walk on.  i felt sure {through this weekend} that being in seattle over the summer will be difficult, that it will be more of a test than i've even anticipated, in more ways than i've dreamed about.  but i know now that it is what i am to do.  i know it's an experience meant to refine me, meant to make me stronger and help guide my future - as uncertain as it seems right now.

i know my Savior loves me and will be there to support me as i face things i'm still afraid of right now.  i know He can help me turn that fear into faith - for the two cannot exist in the same space, like light and darkness.  

i also know i need to sleep if i'm going to wake up to run in the morning {and yes, that's a need}.  

i sat down to write about something almost completely unrelated to all. . .this.  but apparently my subconscious had other plans.

tomorrow, i won't be quite as deep! :)

goodnight, world.  here's to waking up to spring again!

be careful what you wish for

remembering back a few years ago, if i had known i would be moving to seattle soon, i would have been thrilled.  no, thrilled is an understatement.  i would have been packing my bags today!  all i wanted was to go somewhere far away (and provo was not far enough).  byu was about the last place on the list; i didn't even know that marriage and family studies existed.  my top pick was anywhere in the northwest: oregon, preferably; washington, a close second; even northern california would have satisfied my craving for far and different.  but i drew the byu card, and packed up my room to move to happy valley.

it only took a few months before i really started to love provo.  i fell in love with the ancient houses, first.  the first morning i glimpsed the mountains on fire with autumn, i knew no other sight could have satisfied my soul as much.  screaming at the ice on the sidewalks and slipping every two steps had me laughing harder than is allowed at straight-faced straight-laced byu.  the morning rain in the spring.  the train's whistle at night.  the campus bells at noon.  yes, i am deeply in love with provo - in a way that i never thought possible.  can you believe i'm sad to have missed the first huge snowstorm of the season?  i am!  thinking backward, i'm shocked i didn't want to be there.

i'm amused that i thought i needed the northwest so deeply.  just when i was resigned to the fact that portland or seattle was a dream possibly too far-fetched, i found the flourishing families project.  launched from byu and based in seattle.  that was a little over a year ago - the first time i applied for the internship.  two days after submitting an application, i withdrew it again.  it was definitely not the right thing for me!  at that point, i forgot all about the northwest.  goodbye, redwood forests and rocky seashore!

but, i should have been more careful what i wished and prayed for so fervently.  you see, i guess even when we forget our dreams (those that we really held so close and so deep), God doesn't forget.  he remembers all those things we wanted so much we thought we'd die if we didn't get them.

application round two, and i'll be moving to seattle for the summer!  i'll admit it - i had mixed feelings.  see, when i forgot my northwest dream, i found others.  other dreams that now seem more deep, more fervent, more... well, desirable.  i'm ecstatic to have found a reality in my dream!  i know i'll be quite more than content up in my little corner of the united states!  and i have to remember that God gives us our righteous desires - eventually.  after all, this internship is solid proof of that!

here's the thought: a wise professor told me a few days ago, oh honey, we hardly ever get what we want in life!

and after mulling it over for several days, i've seesawed slightly.  at first, it seemed just the advice i needed!  after all, it's not what i want that really matters.  it's not where i am, but how i'm living.  and that's all that really matters.  but then i remembered... wait, i wanted seattle.  i wanted that northwest coast so badly it ached!

and i think we do get what we want, just not necessarily when we expect it.  it's easy to be so set on getting what we want now, when we want it, that we lose sight of what we wanted - or really want.  because (as long as we're wanting good things, and wanting them for the right reasons) we get what we want.

and that's . . . a good thing, right?
inconvenient, perhaps.
but definitely good!

fascinating womanhood: a review

have you read this book?

because if not, you should.

fascinating womanhood, by helen andelin, was one of those books that opened my eyes and changed the way i think.  it played to my already inclined opinions.  true, i was teased the entire time i read, with my red pen in hand, by my sisters natalie and hailey.  the subtitle, how the ideal woman awakens a man's deepest love and tenderness, was a little too much for them to stomach without snickering every time they saw me buried in my book.  

believe me, i was a little skeptical as well when my mom suggested the book.  after all, the almost-1950's throwback to the suppressed lifestyle of housedress-wearing, grin-and-bear-it sort of woman doesn't exactly sound ideal, right?  well, i can sure say i was wrong!  the image painted of the "ideal woman" by andelin is beautiful.  something to truly aspire to.  she paints the characteristics of femininity with women from history and the great classics, showing the modern-day woman how to return to their true feminine nature.  the more i read, the more i realized how in-line her teachings were with my own beliefs about correct roles for women and men, husbands and wives.  And to add to her own insight, she incorporates scripture and principles taught by Christ.

Now, for a embarrassing little secret: i fall easily for books slightly leaning toward the "self help" category.  Titles like 7 habits of highly effective people and tables of contents revealing assignments make my heart race a tiny bit and my imagination flare up.  i know, i know.  this seems a little... well, unsophisticated?  but my logic is this: we're on this planet to help each other.  books leaning in this direction are simply advice from a more experienced person to those willing to learn, their way of helping out humanity, and i like that.  not to say that i prefer these books more than another kind; i live for great literature.  these are simply a little guilty pleasure.  besides, the scriptures are the best self helps books to speak of.  but, i digress.  fascinating womanhood has assignments and self-evaluations.  i loved it because it helped me start the process of changing little habits i have and work toward a solid goal.

i evaluated my conversation - i'm still working on the gossip thing, as most college girls are, but i've greatly improved.  i've started steering conversation toward others to show my interest in other people more than in myself.  and (this one is fun!) i've worked on my tone of voice, inserting more emotion into my daily exchanges.  believe me, changing my tone alone did wonders for my attitude.  when i decided to speak as though i were bubbling with happiness, i found i actually was!  it's been an unexpected discovery in my journey of thought processes.

i've started wearing dresses and skirts more than anything else.  after all, i prefer them over pants and shorts so much that it was a little ridiculous how little i wore more feminine clothing.  

i've decided to stop cracking my knuckles - a nasty habit i've had for years.

if i wrote all the little things i'd marked and evaluated since this read, it would be eons long.  so i won't.  there are so many mannerisms and habits my eyes have been opened to.  if i could pick the most surprising and interesting section of the book, it would be the topic of being childlike.  it's a Christian teaching i think is largely not understood, at least by me.  andelin's view of becoming childlike was approachable, and it made sense to me.

disregarding the fact that i fell in love with andelin's view of womanhood, this is a book i feel is historically important.  written in response to the popular book of the feminist movement, the feminine mystique, andelin's writings represent the flip-side of the modern woman, a strength in feminism with a religious acknowledgement to the divine role of womanhood.

to sum up, my grandmother read fascinating womanhood after her marriage and gave the book to my mother in high school.  in turn, my mother gave the book to me.  in years to come, i dream of placing it in the hands of my daughters, passing on the knowledge of divine womanhood and encouraging the growth of correct femininity.

it's a read i would absolutely recommend! but be prepared to change the way think about yourself, your role as a woman, and what you can accomplish through developing stronger characteristics of feminism!

ps. while sorting through some of my mom's recipes today with natalie, we came across a simply luscious pie recipe.  as a last note on the recipe card, the writer had encouragingly added, "zero calories if cut into 99 pieces!!"  we had quite a laugh and ended up disrupting hailey's piano student.  oh what a day!

why the world doesn't need superman

"from the first day he mysteriously appeared we were enamoured. he seemed too good to be true. a man who could fly, see through walls, bend steel with his bare hands. a man who never lied. a man who could do anything he wanted to yet he chose to be a hero."
       -- lois lane, via

but what happens when a hero fails you?  i was once told the great weakness of superman was his inability to be in two places at once - ironic that despite all the human weaknesses overcome by his alien origin, his demise is the same as every single individual in this great big world: time and space.  and with the realization that his challenge is the same as ours, a slight amount of awe is lost.  it inspires sympathy, but without trust.  while his physical abilities set him apart from the human race, his character faults are just like ours.  so why doesn't the world need superman?

1. the world already has a Savior.
2. how many other superheros are there, anyway?
3. society already has enough perpetually single men to deal with.
4. spandex doesn't look good on anyone.

lois lane has more reasons than i do, but she also had ten more years to mull it over.  although i've had much less time to think about it, i'm familiar with the hurt she must have experienced and the abandonment she was subjected to.  here i am, lois lane.  writing away, convincing myself that i don't need superman.  my reasons will multiply with time, as hers did, i think.

for now, i believe.  simply.  i believe in marriage.  i believe in family.  i believe God has a plan for me.  i believe in many things.



but superman is a myth.

un-cook

just like every day in provo that hasn't been so hectic i almost forget to eat, tonight i piled vegetables into my blender.  after winter semester took its toll on both my physical health and well-being, i decided that a lifestyle change was in order for at least the summer.  since the beginning of spring semester, i have delved into the world of raw foods.  through the long and sometimes rocky journey that brought me to my daily eating/sleeping/exercising habits, i have come to believe in the healing power of raw and whole foods.  so in order to have a more in-depth healing and recovery stage this summer, i've started dividing my meals into a balance of about 75% raw foods, and 25% cooked...ish.  in the past, i've done spans of a week or so following this general pattern, and this time around has been no different - i already feel more awake and alert, i have more energy, i think more clearly, and i still can't wait to eat!

tonight, while i was whipping up green gazpacho, sabrina asked a question that really made me start thinking.  she asked, "jessi, why don't you try to write a cookbook?"  next, she pointed out that almost every time i cook, i'm making it up myself or changing someone else's recipe enough that it's original anyway.  i love to cook! and this summer i love to... uncook! but really, like sabrina said, my favorite part is making it up as i go, tasting and adding more basil.. tasting and wishing i'd used two less tomatoes... tasting and making everyone around me taste, too!  luckily for me, sabrina has been a good sport so far, tasting all my concoctions and never making a "wow, that's really nasty" face.  this train of thought led me to a new life-resolution.  i've always wanted to write something.  today, i think i found my something.  someday, i'm going to publish a cookbook.  step one: start writing down everything i cook (which is actually a lot harder than it sounds because i improvise so much).  but at least it will be a start! then, maybe in 20..or 30 years..or maybe in 5 (!) you'll be able to go to your local bookstore, find my name, and then you can start tasting, too! 

today's dinner: definitely one i'm going to remember and play around with, of course - it was the best gazpacho i've had in a while!  i ate it with a mini-mexican pizza left over from a couple nights ago: ezekiel tortilla spread with black bean dip (beans, garlic, lime juice, red pepper, yum), red onion, bell pepper, tomato, broccoli, and salsa.

green gazpacho

1 avacodo

1 1/2 cups tomato (ish)

3/4 large cucumber

2 cloves garlic

1 cup water

1/4 cup lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil (ish)

1/2 teaspoon + red pepper flakes

blend together, top with chopped broccoli, orange bell pepper, red onion, and guacamole

summer dreams

the semester is almost over.  for me, this means i've been making lists of summer projects like a madwoman.  all semester long (as is usual, especially during a frost-bitten winter semester) i have made plans for project after project (new skirt patterns, wall hangings, a few blank canvases, etc.), and now that the semester is coming to a close, i have realized yet again that i haven't finished one yet.  yes, i am a firm believer in de-stressing time.  however, my lists always seem to find a way to the bottom of the de-stress pile... it's thanks to my friends, i think, that i haven't been artsy lately, and that i haven't been a recluse.  thanks friends. :)

the lists just keep growing! but for now, my projects list reads something like this:

• embroidery hoop wall hangings
• vintage frames cleaned, painted and filled (i've been hording some beautiful old frames - DI's a great place for that sort of thing).
• sew two dress patterns, at least one apron, and a couple bags (++ really, i want to sew as much as possible this summer so i don't forget everything i learned last semester! but i'll start with these).
• finish decorating/painting/pinning my lamp shade
• paint - 3 canvases just waiting for some looooove.
• build up fabric necklace collection to start selling... and giving away :)

my reading list is also overflowing.  i can't wait for to allow myself a little pleasure-reading time!

• 3 cups of tea
• thomas jefferson education
• fablehaven 5 (FINALLY!! ...guilty pleasure, i know)
• killing us softly (okay.. not really pleasure reading, but jean kilbourne - so so interesting)
• 12 steps to whole foods (by the green smoothie girl)
• 8 human talents (wow... even my books are full of lists! great yoga reading i can't wait to get my hands on.)
• fast food nation
• the phantom of the opera
• laddie
• the coming aristocracy
• anne of green gables
• the continuous atonement

really, i think this list is rather ridiculous. all i'm going to do the whole summer is read!  honestly, i can't wait to start.  however, i'm having a little difficulty deciding where to start.  any suggestions? i'm open. :)  i've decided that this summer will be a great time to learn more about raw roods.  although i think i have a pretty decent handle (for a college student, at least) on whole foods, i feel quite uneducated when it comes to raw.  what better time than summer to start, right?  in addition to all of this fabulous summer living, i'm also going to school this spring, and starting to work again, but i'm determined.  it will still be summer, and i will still live like it is!