i strugs. and i love my dad.

strugs: n./adj.; an alternative form of the word struggling, invented by victoria and used frequently this summer to describe the general state of... well, me.

sympathy? scorn, maybe? actually victoria is quite a factual person.  i'm almost positive her use of the word is simply a fact, devoid of emotional attachment.  this is pretty apparent from the way she uses the word.  something like, "this is jessica. she strugs."

which reminds me of a time several years ago when (upon entering the kitchen), natalie {endearing older sister as always} introduced me to a very large group of friends like this: "this is my sister jessica. she's diseased!"

i won't go as far as to say i was traumatized, although the fact that the moment is burned into my memory speaks for itself.  at that point, i'd come to accept the fact that i was {as she so politely put it} diseased.

the point is, the last few weeks, i strugs.  although, i'm not sure i'm exactly using the word correctly.

at first, living in seattle didn't seem to phase me much more than making me forget to breath several times a day {stress or beauty... or both}.  i remember distinctly telling my mother that i expected to have at least a small emotional breakdown after being here for a week or so.  after all, it's kind of the way my body deals with change sometimes.  a good cry can be a good thing.  but for some reason, i couldn't really relax enough to cry, and everything just kept building up and up and up.

and then, i cried.  and since then, i haven't really been able to stop.  not to say i'm crying all the time.  but moreso than any self-respecting individual wants to cry.

i came to seattle with this team with the awareness that i might have difficulty with several things.

first, i'm on a team of perpetual over-achievers who have their lives planned by day for the next five years.  yes, i've been accused of being an over-achiever, but now that i've been placed in a league of them, i've realized the title is not mine, nor do i want it to be.  i'm a peaceful person, who likes simplicity, quiet nights at home, and a low-stress environment.  i don't think i want a graduate degree, and after i graduate i don't really know what the next step in life will be.  i'd rather be a full-time mom with a part time yoga-teaching job than a 40-hour-a-week career woman, if that's in the up-stairs plans for me.  for the girls on this team, that mindset seems unusual.  most of them know where they want to go to grad school (although i'm closer to graduation than most of them and i'm still unsure if i'm going to grad school or not).  most of them are actively moving toward a full-time career.  true, most of them also want to be mothers, but in the words of one of the female professors we met with, "why not have both??"

is it really that odd to just... not want both?  to be honest, the idea of having a full-time career while trying to be a good wife and even thinking about children just kind of makes me sick.  i take my hat off to the women that can do it all, while very simply saying, i'm just not one of them.

and then there's the endless debate of what actually is driving that personal desire.  am i just lazy to only want one instead of trying to have both at once?  would i rather not compete for full-time careers because i think i wouldn't have what it takes in that area?  would i be selling myself short or stifling the academic talent i've been given if i stop at a bachelor's degree, and in the future decline full-time work to raise children?

truthfully, i have never felt so tormented by the bind of that decision.  i understand this is far, far in my future.  however, i also understand that my present path will determine my future, and after seeing the dollar amount of my undergraduate education, i won't be choosing an academic path that doesn't lead to at least some financial compensation, if i chose an academic future at all.

really, i believe in marriage and in motherhood.  and i believe in those things as a highest life priority - way, way above a career for me.

society expects women to have successful careers, be wonderful wives and mothers, to do both at the same time and to want to do both just as much.  but... isn't it okay just to pick one?

mostly, it's wonderful to be surrounded by other young women who are high achievers because it pushes me see how far i can stretch - and teaches me my limits, too.  it's impressive to see girls who are driven enough to insist that life give them both {family and career} at the same time.  but it's also difficult to have different expectations, to want different things, and to value much different things in life, too.

and that's why i strugs this summer.  because it's hard to feel different.


by the way, as a way to end this discussion about society's expectation for women, i'd like to say...

happy father's day!!!

especially to my dad.

he is the best father that anyone could ever have.  i look up to him more than anyone else.  thank you, dad, for always being there to listen, to give me advice, steer me back on track, and make sure i'm doing okay.  i value your support and love so very much.  and i love you with all my heart!

have a happy father's day!

for crying out loud, have a cupcake.

in my experience, there is a theme among roommates these days.  

after graduating from high school, i received one of the most influential gifts ever given to me: vegan cupcakes take over the world.  yes, i can thank my lovely sister lori for changing my life.  for a solid year, i made vegan cupcakes like i owned a bakery.  several batches a week!  it taught me that when you give people cupcakes, it makes them happy, then they love you.  {as illustrated by the diagram below.}  by the way, this is just background information - i'm getting to my point in a moment.  anyway, this is a natural cycle, process of life.  give people delicious things to eat and they will love you.

cupcake-love diagram

HOWEVER.

in my experience, this apparently universal truth is subject to a complete phenomena when the female brain hits age twenty.  see, when i moved into my first apartment, one of the first things i said to my new roommate was, "hey. i'm going to make you cupcakes and you're going to love me."  {okay, not literally, but you get the idea.  i did in fact tell her i was going to make her cupcakes.}  she replied with, "no, don't! i don't want to eat that. i'll throw them away!"  

that was the beginning of the decline in my delectable pastry baking.  since that time, i have always had at least one roommate who protested the making of sweet-things in the apartment.  {with several small-period exceptions.}  therefore, i should not have been surprised when not one, but two of my roommates this summer protest the making of only-slightly-unhealthy delishishness.  

here's the kicker: 

i've recently learned that it isn't just my roommates.  oh, sure, give cupcakes to the male interns and they'd have a party!  but, to the gals?  think again.

one is abstaining from all desserts for the entire summer {believe me, sugar's in more than desserts, ladies.}  one will eat desserts, but only if it doesn't make her calorie-count for the day spike too much.  another, zero carbohydrates for the summer.  yet another will only eat bread on the weekends, and her roommate is supporting the goal by joining in the obsessive restriction of all things bread.

are we stressed, ladies?

don't get me wrong, i've had my share of sugar-free days, weeks, months... my sister has been upset more than once by my restriction of sweets.  i've had my share of eating obsessions, but from them i've learned that over restriction and dieting only leads to binging, out-of-whack hormones, and still more obsession.

it's time we reconsider the pressure we're putting on ourselves, don't you think?

because after all, with the demands we're placing on our bodies and minds, eventually something's going snap.

i've started reading the triple bind, and it speaks to me.  it talks about the pressures of being female in today's society, and yaknow... they have a point.

more to follow.

thoughts on rest and days off.

this weekend, my body's forcing me to take a mandatory few days off.  which, i'll admit, is always better to schedule myself than have my body schedule it for me.  but either way, i'll feel better afterward.  at the moment, i'm not exactly enjoying the large cold sore on my chin, but i have learned a few things.  okay... not really learned, re-learened.  or remembered..

1. my body can handle a couple weeks of heightened sugar intake just fine - as long as i have a couple weeks after that of no stress, almost perfect diet, and consistent exercise.  oh yeah, and lots of sleep.  during the last couple weeks of winter semester, i was eating quite a bit more sugar than my body is used to.  coming from that into a work environment {that's been a big change and a kind of a constant, nagging sort of stress}, i shouldn't have been surprised when my body said, "wait a minute...I DON'T HAVE THE NUTRIENTS I NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS!" and then.... crash.  first headaches, then fatigue, then neck pain, then cold sore.  it did try to give me warning signs, first.  so i can't complain.  

2.  speaking of warning signs, this has been a great re-learning experience because i've remembered that i need to pay attention to those warning signs my body's giving me and do something about them instead of just shrugging them off and saying, "oh, my headache will go away eventually."  the last three weeks in seattle, i've been shrugging-off all the signals my body's sending me more than ever.  but i'm glad to have a reminder.  now, i'm going to re-start working to stay more in-tune with what my body needs.  i'm going to do more yoga, eat more vegetables, and make some time every day for just me - to meditate and relax.

3.  i've also learned yet another lesson about social comparison.  i'm competitive - if you don't believe me, just come play cards with me and my sisters.  i worried, coming up here, that i wouldn't be able to keep up.  after all, i'm with a group of students that are elite - to say the least.  i'm not sure how in the world i was placed with most of them, to be honest.  while i've taken big leaps in not comparing myself to others physically, it's okay to compare myself in every other way, right?  ...wrong.  dead wrong, in fact.  everyone has their own individual 100%.  for some, that means a fifty-hour work week, for others it's a casual twenty.  while twenty-hour work weeks here won't quite cut it {for the next several weeks, at least}, i'm finding that i can't push myself to the same limits that others judge their work by.  i can make sure i'm collecting quality data, doing my best in everything i'm doing, but not taking on so much that i'm overwhelmed.  individual's work styles are just about as different as individual's physical-selves.  and that's why there's no good in comparing - even though it happens often in all different settings.

to be honest, i'm really glad i have a couple of days to slow down.  i didn't realize how absolutely out-of-touch with myself i was until i woke up this morning.  these next couple of days will be used to center myself again - return to being okay with my inner-self, so i can work with my body to accomplish what i need to, instead of ignoring its limits and trying to push to the extreme.

speaking of extreme... from the internet, i've been exploring bikram yoga studios in seattle, and i can tell you i'm more than intrigued.  i've been wanting an extra push when it comes to yoga, lately, and i think this might be the thing to try.  105 degrees with 50% humidity, and it's 90 minutes long.  eek!  it scares me... but one of the biggest reasons i'm here is to overcome things that scare me {more on that to come}.  so i'm going to give it a try.  i'm going to work up to it, first.  despite their claim that you don't need to even be physically active to try it, i'd like to not embarrass myself. :)  

also, there is the cutest little finch that's building a nest outside my window today.  she keeps standing on my windowsill with her beak absolutely stuffed with grass.  she looks in and twitches her head back and forth as if she's trying to say, "hey! i need some help here! this stuff is so heavy!"  it's adorable.  and i wish i could help her.  be strong, little bird!