after crawling into bed last night {as i said i was so excited to do} i realized that my blog told me i posted twice yesterday. after spending several minutes thinking about whether or not i was insane, i realized what happened: on the sixteenth, i came home from work, spent a few minutes browsing other blogs, wrote up a blog post of my own and pressed go. i didn't realize that night that it had been posted several minutes after midnight - making it appear as though it were posted on the seventeenth. then, on the real seventeenth, i came home from work, used self control and did not read other blogs before posting, and pressed go several minutes before midnight. thus, i posted on both ends of the same day.
and that's life lately, working my job. my job isn't bad, but sometimes it keeps me up frustratingly late. and sometimes it makes me get out of bed irritatingly early. and, truth is my body isn't liking the inconsistency of that schedule very much. it isn't liking it very much at all. tonight, while going over the weekly schedule with taylor, we realized that in order to get a sane amount of sleep we'd need to go to bed at nine sunday through friday night. {as you see, tonight's already shot.} then we realized that half those days, we already have obligations that run until around eleven at night. and basically that means another week of hardly any sleep, long work hours, late nights and early mornings. honestly, i don't know how it's going to work.
i've set up some good things tonight to help myself feel a little more on top of life. like setting up new boundaries so i'm not care-taking and so i can have my needs met. like checking in daily with how my self-talk and thought patterns are doing. things like that to help move me along the path of feeling more ... sane.
also, this week's going to have a lot less sugar in it. thankfully.
the point is, since work's started, i've felt pretty crazy. some days my life feels pretty manageable. some days i feel like i'm okay - on top of things for the most part. and then it gets to be night-time and i start to have a mental melt-down about how i'm too tired to work in the morning, my feet hurt, my head hurts, i haven't gotten anything done i needed to on my day off.... yada yada yada...
i have a difficult time living in an unruly schedule, and that's the way work's been. up by five some days, out till eleven-thirty some days. so i'm making a decision to change what i can and accept what i can't. which yes, it's a feat in and of itself to tell the difference. but i can change my work situation. or... i can try. so try i will. and while i'm trying to change things {aka, get a job that makes more money, works more consistent and manageable hours, and isn't so physically demanding}, i'll accept that right now this is the job i have and i can be happy and enjoy my time there.
after all, i don't hate it. it just feels like i'm working more than i can maintain and it's still never enough. so i'll work at the problem from both directions: try to find a more manageable job while also replacing that "not enough" thinking with more of "i'm doing all i can" thinking. that's the idea, at least. i have high hopes for the execution.... i think.
to end, here's something i'd like to be reading every day this week:
the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change.
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
taking, as He did, this world as it is,
not, as i would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right if i surrender to His will.
that i may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
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