Self Respect

"I fell in love with her for her courage, for her sincerity and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be."

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

living life

"She always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day."
-- Virginia Woolf

courage

“For what it’s worth … it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

-- Erik Roth

create something.

“All I know is if you don’t figure out this something, you’ll just stay ordinary. And it doesn't matter if it's a work of art, or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something… new, and there it is, and it's you, out in the world, out side of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it… and you know a little more about… you! A little bit more than anyone else does… Does that make any sense at all?”
--P.S. I Love You.

fireworks + we bought a zoo

as it turned out, abilene does have fireworks.  pretty good ones.  last night, we planned to head to acu campus to watch the fireworks.  we didn't think it was particularly close to where they were being launched, but we wanted to go on a walk while we were waiting and were pretty sure it'd be as good a place to watch as any.  not long after we jumped on the freeway to head to the other side of town, the traffic started to pick up significantly.  abilene doesn't ever really have traffic (which is nice), so this was unusual.  a big group of cars all got off a few exists before we were going and that's when we started to see what abilene really does for independence day.  for several miles, cars (okay, trucks mostly) were pulling off the freeway wherever there was space.  the sides of the road were packed with trucks and people, parked in the weeds, sitting on tailgates, playing football... right next to the freeway.

sounds illegal, right?  i'm pretty sure it must be.  after passing the continuous tailgate party for a few minutes, we decided to change our plans and see what it was all about.  apparently, without even meaning to, we'd found the place to watch fireworks in abilene.  we flipped around and found a spot right in the weeds with everyone else.  everyone was facing a big field and we were fairly confused because we thought the fireworks were going to be launched from somewhere north of "downtown."

once the fireworks started, we were happy we'd followed the crowd this time.  they were being shot off from the field right in front of us!

true, our bums hurt from sitting on the top of our car, but the show was pretty fun.

after fireworks we saw why sections of the freeway in abilene have three lanes (the mysterious third lane has always been a little funny because it's really not needed).  it took us over an hour and a half to make a commute that typical takes 10 minutes or under.  talk about traffic.  despite the setback, we came home and watched a movie to finish off our celebration.

and now, we bought a zoo is one of my favorite family movies i've seen.  right up there with dan in real life in my book.  it was charming, real and wonderful!  my favorite thing in the whole movie was the "20 seconds of courage" idea.  really, i want to start using that in my life.

all it takes is 20 second of insane courage and great things will happen.  i promise!


love it.

anyway, off to dinner.  really wanting fresh bread today, but that won't be ready till tomorrow.  gotta find something else that sounds good!

bb&b and some captain america

every once in a while, my husband will call from the front room something like "you have to come look at this!"  this captain america comic is one of my favorites of his finds yet.  someday i'm going to either buy or make a really massive reproduction and hang it on the wall in my living room.  really.  i love it that much.

also, i probably love it that much because we watched captain america this last weekend.  fantastic movie, really.  it's fun, smart, and the characters are just flat out good.  and that's my favorite thing about it: characters that make you think yeah, i wanna be more like that.

as part of the same date {sub shopping and a movie for dinner and a movie}, we went to bed, bath, and beyond to blow the $50 gift card we've had since our wedding.  it was one of the funniest shopping trips i've ever been on.  it took us well over an hour and a half to figure out how to spend 50 dollars.  typically, i'd have that money spent in a flash.  we even had a list!  but we wandered around the shopping loop about six times before buying more kitchen supplies.  as if our kitchen wasn't stuffed enough.

we ended up with a garlic press, a new can opener {which will restore taylor's sanity}, a beautiful glass pie pan, a big-enough bamboo cutting board, ice trays, and a misto.  yes, i've wanted a misto for several years now.  ever since ari moved into the fleur-de-lis apartment and brought with her the coolest little olive oil sprayer to replace our pam.  the misto is one of the coolest things ever.  i think.  and now i have one.  it was a last minute grab as the store was closing, and it put us $5 over, buuut since i've already used it about twelve times, i think it was probably worth it.

the things we wanted but didn't find have been on my mind, though: a littler box, food and water dishes for a little creature, and a food processor {that one might be a few years...}.  but the cat stuff... well, that's in the making.  after we both get jobs.  oh money.  sometimes i love the left-over wedding gift cards just because they let us buy things that aren't exactly necessities, but are pretty darn desirable.  like a misto.

and yeah, the cat's a necessity, but it'll just have to be pending for few months more until we pay tuition and can find money for food afterward.  then we'll go look at cats.  until then, i'm avoiding them for fear of not being able to resist.  you know..

peace

tonight i'm feeling gratitude, passion, life, and contentment.

it's been a day.  worked eight hours, came home to look a little more into brene brown, worked out {hard}, made homemade pizza with my husband and scurried away to my bedroom while he attended an online meeting to write him love notes and read more brian doyle.

this is my favorite quote of the night: "I did not expect a miracle to happen.  No.  That is not what praying is for.  I was praying not to lose hope.  I was praying to be calm and accept what would be.  I was praying to be calm about what would happen.  I did not know what would happen."

and this: "But my heart tells me that it's immensely grateful for the whole unpredictable extravaganza that is life."

really, brian doyle is one of the greatest word geniuses that has ever lived.

after reading for a while and letting my mind unwind the gratitude started to set in.  as i said previously, my homework for this week is to notice the ordinary in my life and find beauty in it: to be grateful for the ordinary.  as i've been looking today, i've seen ordinary beauty in a few ways.  i expect the list to grow with practice, but for now:

i'm immensely grateful for my heart.  my heart that's allowed me to live, to run, to love and to feel pain.  i'm grateful for it's capacity to feel pain and joy today.  both together, because {as brene brown would say} we can't selectively numb the dark emotions.  i'm grateful that my heart has felt true pain because now it can feel true joy.

i'm grateful for my dear husband.  today, i've felt his wind in my wings - he's a joy to live with.  we've created a place of safety together, a place a peace and growth and understanding and acceptance.  a home like i've never experienced before: with a freedom from expectation, infused with curiosity and possibility.  a content home.

and tonight, i'm grateful for this time in my life - that i can sit down for a half hour and read for enjoyment.  that simple pleasure {one that was denied to me by my own self discipline and lack of time management all through my degree} helps me feel awake, relaxed and at peace.

on that note of gratitude, goodnight.  sleep tight, and make sure to keep a prayer in your heart tonight!

you will have created something.

even a lousy poem.

i'm going to create a little more on my days off this coming week, even if it's lousy.  after all, you've gotta start somewhere! :)

happy saturday, everyone!

found this on pinterest a few days ago, and it gave me shivers.

it made me want to really wake up.

because i'm a believer.

laugh

"laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."

--victor hugo

"i am, indeed, a queen, because i know how to rule myself."

- anonymous. 

plans, not from death cab for cutie

yesterday marked exactly one week left at home.  it's an extremely bittersweet fact.

see, i never expected to be moving back to ivins this summer.  the plan was to stay in provo, find a job  i could keep through this coming fall semester and come home on the weekends (every other, or so).  however, looking back at the entirety of summer, the one word that sums it up is unexpected.  it's been one of the most unpredictable summers of my existence, i believe.  the only other that comes close is the first summer out of high school, with the typical life-altering decisions looming and my decision-resistant nature putting them off as long as possible. but this one beats all.  it was unexpected and unpredictable in almost every way.

however, through the chaotic nature of unexpected events, i've discovered something.  this past january, i wrote a few musings on the same subject, about the unexpected color thrown onto my canvas.  i wrote about how i longed to be able to accept the change with more grace, hope, and trust in God.  i wished i could have seen the beauty that such big changes bring sooner than i did.  and i think i've improved.

i guess in hoping for such, i may have invited several more drop-from-the-sky-and-hit-me-in-the-head changes.  for practice, you see.

what i've discovered is that i have changed.  i can say truthfully that i've seen the beauty this summer (without requiring understanding).  i've been okay with the changes - although some were extremely unwanted, they didn't end my world.  i'm the sort of person with a functioning five year plan.  a five year plan that i work toward.  i've learned to be more flexible with the changes God introduces, less flexible with my foundations despite the always shifting world.

i've come to whole-heartedly believe this quote from the beloved movie, dan in real life:

 "in the future, i will be answering your questions, but today I want to break from my usual format and talk to you about the subject of plans.  not so much my plan for this column, but life plans, and how we all make them.  and how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own.  but if we're really honest with ourselves, our plans usually don't work out as we had hoped.  so instead of asking our young people "what are you plans? what do you plan to do with your life?" maybe we should tell them this: plan to be surprised."


i still have a five year plan.  two of them, in fact.  and a loooooong list of items i'd like to accomplish before i come to the end of those five years.  but i'm making a few changes tonight.  i'm planning to be surprised.  after all, if life were just as i expected, it would get dull pretty quickly.  God knows best, and i can't wait to see what surprises He's waiting to drop from the sky.


as far as i believe, they're probably much better than any plan i could contrive for myself.


i plan to successfully finish another semester this year, and have more adventure doing it than ever before.  but as for the rest, it's all one big surprise!

"our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.  it is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.  we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?  actually, who are you not to be?  you are a child of God.  your playing small does not serve the world.  there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  we were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.  it is not just in some; it is in everyone.  and, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same.  as we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

--marianne williamson

see?

i told you so.

"have courage for the great trials of life, and patience for the small ones.  when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.  God is awake."

- victor hugo, again.

this is one to live by, isn't it?  superman found it for me a while back, during my great lapse of both courage and patience for life.  it's one of those sticky-note quotes, that if it were on my fridge forever i would probably never tire of reading it.  it's true, i really love victor hugo.

oh, chivalry...

"my duty is to keep close to her steps, to surround her existence with mine, to serve her as a barrier against all dangers; to offer my head as a steppingstone, to place myself unceasingly between her and all sorrows... if she but consent to lean upon me at times amidst the difficulties of life."
     - victor hugo

beautiful, isn't it?  i can't get enough of victor hugo, lately.