life lately

lately life is grackles and pigeons, that is to say commonplace. life is finding time to budget and evaluating our needs three times to whittle the total to a more and more...and more reasonable number. although really, i don't think a reasonable number exists on a month when tuition is due. but really, this is the last time. really. thus, life is hoarding coupons for an oil change and tire rotation.

lately life is colored pens and long, long lists. only half of the items are crossed off. it's a messy desk and hard-water-stained sink (yet to buy more kitchen cleaner). it's long sighs when the lights are finally out and staring in the fridge for ten minutes before i even have an idea of what might be for dinner. it's a drizzling sky and harsh wind and hair burnt with the straightening iron.

lately, life is perpetually looking forward to an evening off in the sunshine or spent watching an episode of psyche. it's living for saturday evening and then being too tired to cash in on fun plans. lately, it's sluggish days. lately it's waiting for anything to wake me up. lately, i'm apathetic.

and lately life's all about those kind notes stuck to my lunch. it's the kiss on my forehead and hand on my knee. it's those few hours in the day i get to turn the music up loud and get so. much. done. life the last while has been waking up to the birds and the sun. it's been brownies in the evening and warm oatmeal to wake up with.

lately, life's been a list of promising projects and a game of get-yourself-motivated. lately, it's been mutual evening reading instead of dishes. it's plans for summer. it's an ever-growing list of free date ideas. it's a new bird every week and homemade bread and an extra couple hundred dollars a month. it's clean bed sheets and long, long spring. it's the bobcat at the zoo bouncing off the walls next to affectionate otters. it's pretending to buy food for our pretty-much-pretend cat. i think his name is squirrel. it's cool mornings with time to exercise and the urge to sketch and sew.

lately, life is the smaller things and the attempt to stay focused on them.

two weeks until the mini (mini...) vacation. fourteen weeks until my last day of work. fifteen to go to moving day. oh, and the 4th of july is stuck in there somewhere. thank the heavens for a holiday in the middle of summer - i'm certain i'm not the only one who needs more celebration in life lately.

the winning salon.

so today. today i had a haircut appointment. for lots of women, that's exciting. soothing, even. something to look forward to. at one point in my life, that was the case. back when i would have patrick cut my hair. but lately.... a haircut appointment fills me with dread.

i was afraid today because i was going to a stylist that a) didn't have much experience, and b) went to hair school in texas. but this was different. beautiful, in fact. from sitting in her chair all the way until i left the door, i felt comfortable. i'm pretty sure at one point, i even used the words, "yeah, go for it - i trust you." i came out with a haircut better than i've had in probably two years.

yes, that was a good experience. pixie. razor cut.

she was a good communicator and for that i am grateful. she listened, and for that i am grateful. i laughed several times while i was there, and for that i am grateful. no longer need i dread every hair salon i pass in abilene. texas, i've found the girl who won't give me a mullet!


i'm grateful for good hairs and haircut appointments that end with smiles instead of tears.
i'm grateful for the beautiful crisp sunrise that turned my mood to happier.
i'm grateful for the gym that allows me to run when the weather isn't cooperating.

-- pictures to follow.

the IN club

the temperature has finally started dropping in abilene. a couple weeks ago, i saw for the first time a ten-day forecast of temperatures all lower than 95 degrees.  today, it looked cooler outside, mostly overcast.  so in the afternoon i pulled on my running shorts and a t-shirt and headed out for a two-mile loop around campus. thirty seconds outside my car and i was back inside, shivering. no two-mile loop. a trip to the gym instead. my car's thermometer (which is always off) said it was 57 degrees.  it may be chronically off, but 57 is a definite a change from the typical 107 it reads on most afternoons.

finally, finally it's starting to feel like fall.

tonight, on a quick trip to the grocery store, i wore a jacket, a scarf and a beanie.  i remembered how completely i love weather that lets me wear five layers and thirteen colors at once.  you can't do that in shorts and t-shirt weather. it's just not possible.

tonight, i cooked butternut squash and this morning we ate the last of the pumpkin muffins.  i've cooked three different kinds of squash in the last three weeks.  fall food. warm, comfy and steaming.

i feel like i've finally been accepted to the in club. you know, that club of people who live in places of this world where the leaves are turning colors and stuff. for weeks, i've suffered facebook cover pictures of people playing in leaves, blog posts boasting of being able to wear scarves again. recipes for soups soups soups and pumpkin everything. and for weeks all i had was 107 degree weather with no possibility of soup that hadn't been thoroughly chilled.

but now.
now, i'm finally
in.

now come on, abilene. let's keep this up.

windmills

Yesterday, i drove to pick up Taylor from the top of the hill on campus - as i usually do. It had just stormed, a good long one that woke me up several times in the middle of the night and continued to periodically dump down its bucketfuls throughout my work day. The sky was starting to clear in that magnificent way it does, patches of bright blue visible behind the billowy clouds. Looking down from the hill for the first time, I noticed them. The light was just right, highlighting the very horizon and the army of windmills that turned steadily on its edge. They glinted as if only a mirage, a miracle vision brought by the storm and soon to be gone with the sunset.

I'd been wanting a good storm for a while. The longing had buried itself somewhere deep in my bones (which was disconcerting considering I longed for a very specific type of Abilene storm - that being in my bones worries me slightly).

While I sat there on the top of the hill waiting, watching the gleaming power-generating landscape, I came to a conclusion: this storm was the answer to a craving, a deep-seated plea from my soul sent up the to universe, please... please, let it storm!

I've formed a habit of trying to meet my own needs and first recognizing these cravings for sleep, carbs, a phone call, some fruit or chocolate. I'm learning to recognize them, then satisfy them. I'm not perfect , nor do I intend to be, but I am improving. Slowly, I'm understanding that the more I give my body (and mind... and heart...) what it asks for, the more subtly it asks, the less it demands. And herein lies the solution for binging, over-doing the sweet and running on empty (for me, I believe).

That's my part - that's what taking care of myself means. That's the charge of my stewardship.

And the rest, well, just like that storm, I'll leave that to my Higher Power and trust that no bone-deep longing gets left unattended for long.

foreigner in the lone star state

you're not from here, are you?

again, today i was asked that question. it comes up so much, i almost want to carry a sign with me that says no, i'm not texan. today, she thought i was from wisconsin.  when i told her it was utah, she replied well, i knew it was somewhere north!

texans have a funny habit of pointing out people who are clearly not native. and to a texan, a non-native is anyone without their drawl or slang. it surprised me today because i really couldn't tell a difference between the way i was speaking and the way she was.  but she was texan. and thus to her, the difference was absolutely obvious.

i'd like to come home with a pair of boots, but i can do without the accent.  people here say it takes about two years to pick it up, but when i was working at red mango, i said y'all.  i'll admit it. i was around so many old farmers coming in for coffee that it just rubbed off.  luckily, that's been gone again for some months. secretly, i have a fear of leaving this place in a year and saying y'all and other such texanities (like profanities... get it??) for the rest of my life. like an incurable disease that's not quite terminal. but if i'm being a good student of anxiety-reduction techniques i realize that i could just go to speech therapy the rest of my life and that might help me change or accept the texan that seeped into my blood.

hypothetical. i reeked north to these people, it seems.

the point is. it's funny that they recognize it so quickly.  all it takes is a few sentences and they instantly know i'm a foreigner and have been in these parts less than two years. like a sixth-sense natural to texas blood.


i was also informed today that after moving to texas, there is a 30 day period in which you must register your car in the state and a 90 day period wherein you are required to obtain a texas driver's licence. and surrender your old one.  that's right.  they take your old driver's licence.  seeing as i've been here more than 6 months now and i haven't done either of these things, i probably ought to.  but.... i just happen to really really  like my current driver's licence. the picture is great (which is big, considering how often i say that about a picture of myself). not only that, it doesn't expire for years and years! and it's from utah. which makes it better than one i'd get here by far. also, if i get a new driver's licence now i'll pay a fee, then when i change my name i'll probably have to pay another fee for a new one. not to mention the cost of registering my car here...which may or may not mean i'll have to switch insurance providers.  all for one more year? really?

a very large and significant part of me wants to ignore those requirements altogether.  the only problem then is the panic attack i might have every single time a policeman pulls out behind me.

eek.

maybe i could get away with it? ....maybe?

and the moving begins!

tonight, the packing begins!  we planned on starting to pack up our apartment about a week ago, but i don't think it's sunk in that we're moving yet (for either of us) because everything's still in it's place.  everything.  so, with six days before we have to load everything up from this apartment, move it six miles, unload it into a new apartment, and sign papers at both, nothing has been started yet.  tonight's the night.

loud music.

good snacks.

and the promise of a free redbox promo code waiting for us as long as we reach our goal.  or just another episode of merlin.  thanks, hailey, for getting us hooked!

i'm a little sad to leave this apartment.  it's been good to us.  it's kept out {most of the} awful texas bugs.  it's provided a free gym pass, which has allowed me to keep my sanity.  it's been big enough for all our stuff, small enough that i haven't gotten freaked out the few nights i've had to sleep in it alone, and it's fit our furniture perfectly (something we're a little concerned about with this new place).  also, there's a man that lives just across the complex from us who has a massive long-haired cat.  every couple of days he comes out, sets the cat on the grass in the sun to soak up fresh air, sits down on the stairs and thinks.  i love that cat with my whole heart.  and i love seeing the man pick up the cat when it's time to go inside, give it a big love-squeeze, pet and kiss it, and hold it the whole way back in.  that man loves his cat, and his cat loves him back.  so i'll miss those things quite a lot.

our new apartment might have a green wall (which could be fun).  it has a pretty iron gate around the pool covered in vines which i like.  and i'm not excited about the mutual-practically-outdoor-facility at all.  the day i get my own washer and dryer is a day i'll celebrate for the rest of my life... and so will taylor because it means he won't always have to do the laundry... ha :)

so that's about all i know about this new place.  we'll see how it goes.  i'm sure once i can find an affordable gym on that side of town, i'll be able to deal with any problems that might come up - a good workout goes a long way.

on that note, having just finished a workout i need a good snack.  happy weekend! :)

ps.  i found another thing i like about texas.  cool cowboy boots are everywhere!  seriously, everywhere.  even regular stores like buckle have a big section just for the boots.  before i come home, i'm going to have an awesome pair.  and really, they are awesome.  so many different colors and patterns... i don't know how i'll ever choose!

bible belt collections

greg laswell's doing good things for my soul today.

and guess what? i've added another thing that i like about texas (although i'll admit i don't love this one all the time, there are sometimes i really really do love it).

bible-belt road signs.

they're everywhere.  absolutely everywhere!  you can't drive for more than a couple blocks anywhere in the city without being reminded...

God is good.
Save me Jesus.
Come have a Spiritual Explosion!!

they are all over and they are such good reminders.  okay, the spiritual explosion one has me laughing every time i see it on my way to church, but most of them are actually inspirational - good reminders to keep God in every part of life.  these signs have me thinking a lot about worship lately.  we all do it differently, every single person on the planet worships uniquely.  some devote their life to scriptural text, others to christian rock music and some simply make a reverence out of going on hike.  although i do believe in truth, as in some things are right and others are wrong, i also believe in degrees.  good, better, best, if you will.  in some things, we are commanded to worship - renewal of covenants with God, study of the words He's prepared to guide us through life.  and in some things, we are simply left to find things to do with our lives that are right - find ways in our unique situation to worship.

for me, i feel closer to God while i'm hiking and enjoying the grandeur of nature than almost any other time.  music helps me feel closer to my Savior, too.  sometimes hymns and music of peace, sometimes christian rock or a simple line of truth from an everyday artist.

sometimes i struggle to feel truly worshipful at church but i know that it pleases God when we serve in his church and participate in the rituals he has created for his children so they can feel a part of his family.

in the end (or..beginning) it comes down to figuring out what things bring you (personally) closer to God and what things create more separation.  then, doing more of the first and less of the last!

and back to bible-belt signs.  i don't know what most of those churches teach, specifically.  i know there are many similarities and many difference in our beliefs.  but in the end, we're all believing in something.  and i love their signs, their reminders.  they take my mind closer to Christ, lift my thoughts out of the mire of this world that they so often get stuck in.  and i love that these messages are proof that people are (in their own various ways) worshiping God and encouraging others to do likewise.

in decision, i'm going to start a collection of pictures: my favorite signs from that time i lived in the bible belt.

oh yeah. that's still now.  i better start carrying my camera everywhere.

now, for your listening pleasure, some greg laswell.  enjoy :)

an interview

it's storming again in texas.  the last two days it's been all thunder, lightning and humidity, and tonight it's still a steady pitter-patter and pounding.  despite the rain, the moths still flop around trying to find a dry patch of air and the monster-crickets still chirp on.  sadly, the storms can't even control the bugs.

it's been a day.  a long day where at the end i'm grateful i can sit on my couch, eat a peanut butter cookie and watch the downpour from the safety of a second-story apartment and a sliding-glass door.

this morning i interviewed for a job (first, driving with taylor to an appointment so i could take the car).  he helped talk me through some questions - which has become fairly standard before interviews these days.  it helps.  by the time he jumps out of the car and wishes me luck, i feel confident, competent and somewhat calm.  a great run this morning added to feeling all-around pretty great.  as i walked up to the interviewing office, i could see that the interview before me was still in progress.  over the next ten minutes of waiting my turn, my hope for this job diminished slowly.  typically, there will always be someone with ten years more experience, or someone willing to take lower pay and work more hours.  there will usually be others more qualified and less qualified than me.

so as i tried not to overhear the woman before me boast of her ten years of secretarial and management experience, my little hope for being one of the most qualified slipped to ground and rolled away, leaving me with nothing but the firm resolve that i have something to offer - many things to offer and many things i can be very good at.

as my turn came, i walked into the office with a straight back and laid my strengths out for examination.  i left feeling competent, with little hope of being called back.  i can honestly say that i've never been less nervous for an interview.  apparently when i can actually see and hear in front of me that my chances are slim my nerves vanish and leave me with nothing but courage to do what needs to be done and surrender for the things i can't control.  it's a peaceful place to be, even if it's not making us any money.

after the interview we drove to the mall and picked up a few applications for lower-paying and more likely employment.  a girls' clothing store, a maternity clothing store... and back i'll go tomorrow to turn them in for review.


and tonight, i'm sitting on the couch making a grocery list and eating a peanut butter cookie.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  and i'm competent.  and i'm good at many things.

texas lessons

it's storming again tonight in texas.  these storms started a pattern forming in our apartment the last month or two.  typically one of us will see the stormcloud.  one dark massive wave across the otherwise empty blue big sky - exactly how you see a storm cloud in movies if they're created by magic or something else evil and unnatural.  about an hour later, both our phones will start ringing at the same time: the storm warning.  you'd think (because of the urgent tone of the recorded man) this automated message would bring some anxious preparations so our apartment didn't blow over in the damaging winds, get struck by dangerous lightning, or be pelted into an unrecognizable ball of debris by the extremely large hale.  but that's not the case.

the phone call is the signal to get a few snacks, open the blinds all the way, turn off the lights and get ready for the show.

texas storms are one of the few incredible things about this place.

they're fierce.
wild.

dangerous.

without fail after it's subsided (and sometimes still in the middle) the sirens sound.  the roads get crazy and there's always a few unlucky drivers that can't get inside quick enough.  but, without fail, they do pass.  the storms are actually very short-lived.  the longest this far into the season is still the very first - nearly four hours of pouring rain and window-rattling thunder.  but typically they're much shorter.  an hour, sometimes almost two.  then they pass, the clouds dissipate and everything is blue and clear again.

---

for the last several months, i've started a new routine at the gym.  heck, in the last few months i've started going to the gym for the first time in my life!  running's old news sometimes and i wanted to try my hand (or back..and legs, really) at weight-lifting.  so i've started dabbling.  typically i'll run (okay, okay.. and walk more) for a half hour, then sit on weird machines (or lift up big heavy objects that were only created so i could lift them then put them back down) for another fifteen or so.

sometimes i want to stop so so much.  the gym's unnatural to me.  i like to run outside in the clear where there's no one else in the entire wold - just me and the mountains and the sky.  but it's not safe to run in abilene and so i'm learning to be thankful for gyms.  (yes, even if texas food is twice the portions it ought to be and the healthy food movement has yet to hit the big country they do have a few gyms in this town - a few.)  but anyway.  working out, both running and weight lifting, are... well, i love it.  afterward.  okay, sometimes i love what i'm doing during, but not all the time - definitely not a lot.  the point is i love that while i'm doing it i burn.  i get totally and completely out of breath.  i think my legs aren't going to carry me.  i shake.  but then i walk out of the gym, take some deep breaths in the car, have a long drink of water... and everything goes back to normal.

---

the big point is all things pass.

texas storms are furious and frightening at times.  but they pass.
going to the gym makes me feel like i'm going to die, and sometimes i do for an hour afterward.  but then it passes and i go back to normal.  okay, better than normal (let's be honest, who doesn't love those endorphins?)

everything passes.
the rain.
the burning in my lower-half.
texas.
a tiny apartment.
and having no money.

all things pass.  that's what texas is teaching me these days - a funny thing for a town that looks like it's been here since the beginning of time to teach me that all things will pass eventually.  but they will.  and at the end of the next year and a half texas will reinforce that lesson by letting me leave and go back to places that believe in health food.  and city drainage systems.  and mountains.

yeah.  texas, too, will pass.


(for me, at least.  to all those who came here expecting it to be only a few months or years and are still here after 30 years, my heart goes out to you.  it weeps for you.  but, in all honesty, i will never be one of you.)

the elderly of abilene

tonight was grocery shopping night.  actually, that should have been last night, but other things came up and grocery shopping was put off until tomorrow - which is fairly typical.  the list was long, my husband and i were both tired, it was late and we were hungry.

once we got to the check-out stand and started putting groceries on the conveyor belt, i remembered we needed bananas.  so i took off to grab some.  while i was gone, taylor finished putting our groceries on the belt and began swiping his card and punching in the numbers.  as i walked back up to the stand, the older woman behind us finished placing her groceries behind ours.  it wasn't much: a couple bags of chips, a few bottled drinks.  she had a plastic separator between our items.  but as i walked up behind her to place the bananas in our section, she reached out quickly {sooo discretely} and took the can of olives from our section and placed them in her own.  just one can of olives.  with her groceries there was no way she could have thought it was hers - she had deliberately taken the can of olives from us to pay for them and take them home herself.

confused, as i set down the bananas i looked at the can of olives and then up into her face.  she looked away quickly.  i had seen her take them - she had seen me watch her take them.  i was only standing a foot away from her {and right in front of her} when she had.

my first impulse was to reach in front of her, take the can of olives and give it to the cashier to place safely in a bag and into our cart.  but i froze.  i couldn't do that - what if she started a scene, accused me of stealing her food?  i wanted to say something.  ma'am, those are my olives.  that's all it would have taken, probably.  but who knows?  i froze.  my husband paid, and spun our cart away and out into the parking lot.

she took my can of olives and with it my hope for american society {for the day}.  have we really fallen so far and become so used to instant gratification that we would steal from a stranger on that kind of an impulse?

she didn't break any laws - she paid for the darn can of olives.  all she did was greatly inconvenience the people in front of her to satisfy her instantaneous craving for olives.  she could have waited until her next shopping trip.  she could have asked the cashier to wait while she quickly grabbed another can from the isle we were standing right next to.  heck, she could have told me she was tired and asked if i would grab her a can of olives while she paid.  i would have.  happily.

but steal my can of olives?  really?

while working at red mango {which thankfully is completely over-with} i heard many an ancient person come for a cup of coffee and complain about my generation's sense of entitlement.  after today, i have no sympathy for them at all.  they may have lived in a better world once upon a time.  but today, 70 year old women feel entitled to steal from the grocery carts of twenty-something-year-olds.  if that's not an entitlement complex, i don't know what is.

thanks to you, old woman, my pasta salad will be entirely without olives this week.

bird heaven

if there's one thing i love about abilene texas, it's the birds.  i haven't looked up anything about this yet, but i plan to learn more about all the crazy birds here.  it's winter everywhere else, so i assume all the birds are just here for the warm weather that never goes away.  once it's 115 degrees with 80 percent humidity, i expect them to leave.  so just in case my theory is correct, i'm soaking up all the bird-watching i can get in.  and that basically means, i keep my eyes peeled while running in the morning so i don't get dropped on.  this morning alone, i saw a blue heron, a seagull {where the heck is the water??}, a massive flock of black birds/crows, a tiny group of little friend finches, two bluebirds, a group of pigeons, and a bunch of other nameless little beauties that are multicolored and shimmery.  it's incredible, i'm telling you.  sometimes at night, i feel like i'm in the alfred hitchock movie "the birds" {which i've yet to see - going to wait winter out before i do}.  they fly so thickly that parts of the sky go black, in big v-shapes and massive swarms.  i'm never seen so many birds in one place.  also, i did not take this picture, but it is exactly what i saw.  the crazy animal was probably three feet tall.  incredible, right?



on another note, already this morning, i've had a hard time forgiving my body for not being perfect.  and yet, i went on a run, am already dressed, and have already eaten breakfast and am mid-snack.  also, i'm a naked face today - in preparation to take the naked face challenge, i'm going bare-faced every few days.  my hair still gets crazy without a blow-dryer, but man it's nice not to take the time to do my hair and makeup {not to mention, it can't be bad for my mental health to have a little less mirror time lately.}

also, mom mailed us our wedding cake two days ago, which means i might be chomping on some of that goodness for an early dessert.  yup, that sounds like it might hit the spot.

two mile run today, and it's hard not to feel like wimp for doing less than three.  but hey! i ran.  and sometimes that's a big step.  also, my legs are pretty sore, so i've gotta be doing something!

happy leap year day everybody!! in conjunction, it's my dream to have a baby on february 29th.  how awesome would it be to have a secret birthday that only REALLY came around every four years??  pretty cool, i think.

have a happy day!