excuses.

so this whole blogging a lot thing was really short-lived, huh?

i have excuses, don't worry.  see, i was really sick {see previous post}, and then when i started to get better i realized everything i missed while i was sick.  like homework, and lots of it.  but really... i haven't done a whole lot yet.  but i have been running more - and it feels really really good.  i'm remembering the self-control it takes to pull myself out of bed every morning before the sun comes up to run.  at least, i remember that self-control, even if i haven't quite unearthed it yet.

so there's that.  and... i've been catching up with my roommates because i quarantined myself to my room the whole week i was sick so no one would catch what i had and have to suffer, too.  on a side note, i'm not sure that was the greatest idea as it caused me to eat very, very, very little for an entire week.  which made me cry.  but i guess in retrospect, i was kind of too sick to actually get up and eat anything, anyway.

but i guess mostly, i've been too busy being in love to write a whole lot.  yep, IN LOVE!  so... i'm still going to be writing.  after all, it's my last semester and i have to finish documenting the journey that i started at the very first of school in happy valley.  also, this blog is looking a little blah to me lately... again.  so i might find time to do a little colorful tweaking.  good idea, no?

a month in review.

august flew by, filled with wonderfulness.  sometimes, i don't write because life comes at me too fast to process, live, and write about it at the same time.  sometimes i don't write because i'm in the depths of despair. but in august, i didn't write because life got so good it simply demanded my full attention!

the month started with the end of the flourishing families project.  it was a whirl, and looking back, it's all slightly blurred.  one thing i can say is i was glad to see it go.  it was an incredibly defining life experience for me.  and {as usual} those are the ones we're happiest to have done be finished with.  i'll miss seattle, and i'll always remember the experience.  i'll value what i learned this summer.  and i was glad to have the experience end.

only a few days after the end of my internship, taylor {formerly known as the musician - he has a good name, so i might as well use it!} came back from adventuring in japan to visit me in seattle!  it was a long-awaited reunion, and worth every bit of over three months of waiting.  after showing him some of my favorite spots in the emerald city, we drove to central oregon to spend a week with his family.  hiking, making fabulous food, pictures and stories and souvenirs from japan, movies at night and games during the day made an amazing week.

after an eighteen hour day of driving, we arrived in ivins - home sweet home.  most of the week in ivins was made up of packing and sorting... over the years i've acquired too much stuff, and it was time to condense what i was keeping at my parent's house.  besides sitting in a room full of boxes, taylor and i went to a play at tuacahn.  they did a great job of making the little mermaid enjoyable to all ages - and up-to date with a new feminist ending.  not sure how i felt about it.  we also made more than one trip to kneaders, ate at the adobe ice box, and i had my first taste of nelson's frozen custard.  it's crazy that i've never been there before!  after my first taste, i'm sure i'll be back for more.  also, going through all those boxes would have gotten pretty tedious {and probably have taken much less time} if we hadn't had a good supply of movies!  we watched mega mind, a knight's tale, tangled, and you again? {which was hilarious and so so strange}.

really, a week home is never enough time to spend with my family, but byu is like a magnet sometimes.  i just couldn't stay away from my beloved university.  thick on the sarcasm there.  really, though.  coming back to provo had its good and bad.  i was thrilled to see genni and ari and to meet the new addition to our fdl apartment: erika from seattle {go figure}.  i was not, however, very happy to take taylor to the airport.  the {almost} three weeks we spent together was happier than i even imagined it would be, and saying goodbye is never easy for me.  after i stopped crying, i came home, accepted a cream-filled doughnut from genni, and started to unpack - like crazy.

that was a week ago, and i'm almost finished!  the first week of school has me realizing i'm going to be digging for motivation this semester.

and also making cupcakes, looking under rocks for work, and reviving some old hobbies.

august was almost unbeatable, but in the words of dr. gibson "now you can take time to recover and enjoy it all!"  and i plan to.  happy september!

the musician

i met the musician last semester in a class that changed me more than most.  dr. day's advanced family processes: it inspired me to apply for the flourishing families project internship; it helped me find my confidence in my academic ability in the social sciences; i was reunited with a kindred spirit {allison barnes}; and i met the musician.

after a first impression, i was intrigued.  a typical upper-division marriage and family studies course at byu usually consists of married men with one to three children {disregarding the women, because i'm talking about dating, here}.  most are interesting and have their heads on straight.  they are also very unavailable.  the musician was not.  he was, surprisingly, single.

longish sandy hair he'd push away from his face, slate blue eyes that could look right through you sometimes.  he owned one of the more incredible leather jackets i've encountered, along with a messenger bag that proclaimed, "why, yes.  i am extremely cool, aren't i?"  it was taunting.

and intriguing.  absolutely so.

allison and i had more than one inside joke about this dreamboat boy.  i came across a page of notes from the class a few days ago that was covered with back-and-forth scribblings.  it was blatantly obvious we were paying attention in class. . .just not to the professor!  silly, i know.  but we were both single, idealistic daydreamers, and the musician was an ideal subject.

really, other than his attractive physical self, what intrigued me was his thought.  advanced family processes required a lot of risk-taking comment and critical discussion.  i felt more mentally stretched to my limit in that class than any other.  but the musician seemed to have a firm grasp on that kind of critical thought - his comments were important to the discussion because he could challenge our authors and professors.  in a good way. :)

he was a thinker, and it impressed me.

to defend myself slightly, i'm not creepy. . .or shallow.  at least, i hope not!  my interest wasn't just determined by his gorgeousness always sitting across the classroom from me.  i wasn't mooning over a magazine model.  in fact, i can remember three distinct times that he spoke to me, last semester.  and once, he opened a door for me {which distracted me for several hours afterward}.  allison had the privilege of mutual social circles - she knew his roommates.  so naturally, i also heard snippets from her.  which makes me both less of creepy and not shallow at all, right??

anyway, he's entered the scene, lately.  he's become a part of my life, right now.  so, he needed a name.

"the musician" isn't an entirely fitting title.  but to protect his identity and my peace of mind, i have to call him something.  i toyed with references to the social sciences because it's a connection we share.  i thought about some sort of byu-academic-related title that just seemed much to generic and typical.  "the social scientist" made me want to leave the story off the blog altogether {although i'll admit, it's something i like about him tremendously}.  "byu boy" made me queasy and put images in my head of the typical clean-shaved, missionary-haircut clones that plague. . .i mean grace. . .this campus.  and then i looked back over that page of notes from advanced family processes.  "the musician."  it seemed to fit, decently, at least.  it's what i would call him {in jest} to allison before i actually knew him in any face-to-face, real sort of way.  and it stuck.

so, from here on out {for now}, you'll know who i mean when i talk about "the musician."


because it's sure to come up again. :)

the unlikely conversation

dear future,

i'm taking a major risk -  one i've been {to be frank} pretty darn scared of this last year.  i wish i could talk to you right now, face to face.  i want to sit down and have a massive prioritizing session with you.  i want to ask you,
"are my decisions making you pull your {longer} hair out?"
"is this a time to be completely logical or let my heart take one of the reins again?"
"how hard, exactly, will it be to be in seattle this summer?"
"am i being too risky??"

i know, all this risk-taking behavior the last two semesters is quite uncharacteristic of the sort-or-not-really adult me.  it's more reminiscent of the reckless teenage me, the one who's heart had full hold on both reins.  but, isn't a little risk a good thing?

i'm unsure.
all i know right now is it feels darn good.

which is why i wish we could visit - that darn goodness can lead in two directions: fabulous and disastrous.  which is terrifying. . .and absolutely exhilarating!

wishing like mad i could meet you,
love a hesitantly exhilarated you.

i interrupt this series to bring you...

a little discussion on dating.

i know, thrilling, right?  i thought you'd think so.

story time!

when: last saturday, 9:00 pm to 12:00 pm

with: we'll call him mr. f.  {no, not mr. ferrars, he's elusive}

scheduled: saturday, 7:00 pm {last minute planner, apparently}

i had plans for saturday - quite, nice ones.  genni and i made delicious dinner together, had plans for homemade peanut butter hot chocolate {yes, i'm a fool for that stuff}, and redboxed the movie letters to juliet.  which is cheesy and charming!  perfect for a saturday night at home.  however, earlier in the day i was determined to convince someone to come rock climbing with me.  i've been wanting to for quite a while - it's an intriguing idea. unfortunately none of my gal friends were interested in learning by my side.

mr. f. called at around seven - about the time dinner was finished and the movie was starting.  he asked me to tag along while he went rock climbing that night, so. . . how could i resist? 

we finished the movie with just enough time for genni to help a frantic me decide which jeans would be the least hindering while climbing a wall.  and. there was still time for peanut butter hot chocolate after the date - that's an important fact.

to fill in, there is a little bit of background information important to the situation.  mr. f. has been asking me out since the beginning of last semester.  he's friendly, enthusiastic, entertaining, and kind of short.  for a while, these dates were consistent and despite the fact that i wasn't really attracted {at all}, i was determined to at least give him a chance.  soon, i was relieved of my obligation to ask him to stop paying for meals and such {i'd decided firmly that he was great friend material - but nothing more} because frequency began to wane considerably.  the strange thing is that it continued, just with decreasing frequency. . .and still does, sometimes often, sometimes quite a while will go by in between even a hello.  it's odd.  and i still can't figure out why it even continues to begin with - except the fact that i really wanted to go rock climbing. :)

anyway. . . i loved learning to climb.  it was exciting, new, and felt incredible!  i would love to go again, but only with someone who really knew how - like mr. f.  but i don't think i can push that any further and still feel morally correct.  i'm determined not to send signals in the direction of me wanting anything more.

i wish there were some kind of social LDS code for "hey! we like the same things and it's socially convenient for me to hang out with you, but i'm really not interested in anything but the social convenience and gain for myself."  selfish, i know.  but still - i would love to rock climb.  just not to encourage.

to get to the point, mr. f. kind of adds to my frustration with the unpredictability of the male species.  i know, i know, girls can be just as unpredictable.  but really? it doesn't seem that way to me.  i can't figure his motive to keep spending money on me for something that is clearly going nowhere.  i don't like instability.  i'm having a difficult time figuring out what's in his mind.

also. . . i wish there were another kind of code or sign for "hey. i really think you are quite a spectacular person and we would probably get  along great, so you should ask me out... or something like that."  because sometimes discrete signals just aren't quite received.  as i wish they were. yeah. :)

but that's another story!

reassurance on the walk home

sometimes i do things without thinking, and directly after the fact i wonder what in the world possessed me to do it.  the funny thing is that most times, these little absent-thought-actions lead to big things - life changes.

last year, despite my current emotion coma, i decided to give one of my shoes to the ward activities committee, thus committing to attend the cinderella ball.  {it's something unique to provo: it seems the religious leaders here delight in watching horribly awkward situations unfold in front of their eyes}.  after turning my shoe in, i went back to my apartment and cried.  what in the world had i done?? i don't even go to normal ward activities i thought, why why WHY did i give them my favorite SHOE??  luckily, i had really great roommates who supported my rather insane urge.  i met a boy at the ball that i dated for a significant amount of time.  i'm still not sure how i feel about the whole thing {after-the-fact emotions take a while to resolve for me sometimes}.  but it was definitely a life-altering process.  it changed the way i viewed myself, the way i looked at the world and the people in it.  it changed the things i want out of life, my goals and dreams.

and they did return my favorite shoe.

a little over three months ago, i found myself in a similar situation.  i had submitted my application to work with the flourishing families project in provo over the summer.  after a group interview i was asked to return for a personal interview that would determine if i would participate in the internship.  i'd thought it all out, was confident in my decision and excited to move forward.  provo was a great place to be in the summer - last spring in provo was absolutely beautiful!  i would be close to family, be paid enough to secure my last semesters at school, and be in an area i felt comfortable in.  i had decided firmly that going with the seattle team of flourishing families was out of the question - too big, too unknown, too long, and too far.  

and yet there i sat in the interview telling them that although i applied for provo, i was equally interested in seattle opportunities.  i knew what i was saying, and it horrified me!  but i couldn't stop myself.  it was like being in a bad dream, one where you know what's happening and don't like it one bit, and yet you have no power whatsoever to stop it from happening.  it's really the experience i'm interested in more than the place, i said.  yeah right.  i was terrified of seattle.

i agonized the entire walk home.  hopefully, i wished, they would discard that statement as only an afterthought.  why did i even say it?  am i absolutely insane?  

i tried my best to dismiss the interview and let things play out.

several weeks passed and i received an email from the flourishing families project coordinators.  we are pleased to congratulate you on your acceptance to the flourishing families project - seattle team.  i'm almost embarrassed to admit i cried for ten minutes before coming out of my room and announcing my good news.  

but as i walked home from my internship preparation course tonight, i had a strange feeling.  the snow makes everything absolutely quiet, absolutely still.  it makes it easier to think on the walk home in the twilight.  and i thought, maybe this is another cinderella ball.  

life changing, certainly.

true, if i think about moving to seattle right now, i still panic.  but i don't have emotional breakdowns if i focus on the one day before me.  a twenty-four hour period.  an article summary, an email to my assigned professor.  today, i can do that.

and today was the first day this winter that i was infinitely grateful for how quiet the snow makes a busy campus.

i'm appreciative of my belief that nothing is coincidental - despite the panic of an unexpected adventure.

such a nice boy...

last night i found myself in a little bit of an awkward situation {luckily it had a few benefits}.  but before i get to the story, there's a little background information that needs to be laid on the table.

to my dismay, natalie is not with me this semester.  that's right, partner in crime in this winter jungle is MIA.  yes, it gets lonely and quiet and i don't laugh quite as much - or go out to eat as much, for that matter.  but we're coping!  and sabrina is a major source of . . . copement.   no that's not a word, but it's what i mean.  goodness gracious am i ever lucky this gal decided to move in next door!  lately i've  escaped to her apartment a couple times.  it's usually a lot lighter (literally and figuratively), full of more people (with quite the variety), and packed with entertaining and memorable moments.  this will probably become a habit {and we can only hope that her roommates learn to love me!}.

last night was such a night.  i was snuggled up in the armchair of apartment 102 enjoying the smell of pancakes and bacon.  sabrina and i were discussing a boy of mutual acquaintance {over whom i was slightly perplexed} when two guys in earshot decided they wanted a part in the conversation.  after several minutes of them discussing my little plight and both giving full-fledged step-by-step advice, one simply declared, "he sounds crazy! you're a really pretty girl!  just tell him to bug off and be done!" . . . or something like that.  really, i just remember the phrase you're a really pretty girl!

despite his crazy advice and rather egotistical performance throughout the night, in that moment he was one of the best men in the world!  i don't remember the last time someone told me i was really pretty.  it's been a rough week and hearing a little praise of my feminine self was such a lift.  and quite the confidence boost considering the company.

so thank you, boy, for your kind words - they touched my heart!

the end.

finished.

clicked send on my last final at 6:13 pm.

i'm tired.
but i'm reveling in the excitement of finishing such a demanding semester!

it's elating, and although i'm really quite exhausted i don't want to sleep for fear i'll wake up and realize i still have eight research papers due. . .
or something scary like that.

school has been all-consuming this semester, since that first day i came home from class and laid on the floor for four hours reading.  i don't think i've stopped reading {or writing} since. . .

the first day: {could have been every day}

i laid on the floor reading. standing, stretching, breathing every half hour or so.  several hours into the bulk of it, an outgoing {and slightly overbearing} boy calls me.  from the ward.  he'd gotten my number the previous day at a little "get-to-know-you" activity. don't we all love those?  i was flattered.  after all, more than a few girls had been eying him the whole night.  i was not, however, very interested.  i'm polite, but i had homework and was a little too emotionally overwhelmed to be a very pleasant date at the barbecue.  i said no. but thank you, and please ask me again some time!  he never called, and i was never disappointed.  as it turns out, i was very, very lucky.  eating cookies at his apartment about a month later, i heard the whole tale straight from his own drama-filled mouth.  dating three girls in the ward, stressed that he couldn't hide it much longer and distressed because he couldn't decide which one to choose.  i'm glad to say i didn't laugh {out loud}.

believe me, i do consider myself lucky.

and now i get to sleep.
and cook whatever i want, disregarding the amount of time the recipe takes.
and paint my end table.
and read sense and sensibility and eating animals and three cups of tea and total money makeover.
and drink hot chocolate in the morning in bed.
and run for an hour without worrying about the time.
and finish my christmas shopping!

happy end of the semester.  merry christmas to all!
and to all. . . a very good night!

song of the week...or more :)

i go through phases, obsession {sorta} with music.  lately, this song is about all that will satisfy my singing memory.  i'm in love with it - completely.



and by the way, i'm not in tahiti - i'm right here, in happy valley.

the hitchhiker friend

7:50 tuesday morning, and in a rush again.  i think it's probably a miracle that i haven't hit any frantic students crossing the street as i drive to the bottom of the stairs of death each tuesday and thursday morning, still half asleep.  this morning, in particular, i was more asleep than usual.  most of campus seemed to be suffering the same syndrome because there were markedly more late students speed-walking their legs off up the street.

two blocks from my apartment, i saw an unusual thing.  leaning against the steering wheel for a better vantage point into the cross-streets, i glanced out my side-view window.  blonde, tall, and weighed down with his stack of books, stuffed backpack, and lunchbox, a boy was walking further in the street than the crowd.  his arm extended, his thumb sticking up in the air.  i normally would have thought he was simply giving the oncoming traffic a thumbs-up: "this is going to be a great day, folks!  way to drive to class this morning like champs!"  but the pleading and rather desperate look on his face suggested that he was thinking entirely opposite thoughts.

stopped at the stop sign (they are on every corner from 103 up to campus), i waved him over to my car.  he ran around the side of my little green punky (yes, my car has name), opened the door and jumped into the passenger's seat with an enthusiastic, "you saved me life!"  all i could do was laugh and ask him which direction he was headed.  luckily, it was in the same direction as me - mostly.  preoccupied (he was doing about twenty different things with his phone at the same time), he explained that he was headed to the business building.  fitting, for an attractive blonde with a phone addiction.

he jumped out of my car before i had time to put the gear shift into park yelling a quick "thank you!" as he jogged away with his slipping stack of books.

i was laughing so much - at him and at myself for the silliness of actually stopping - that i forgot my breakfast and went hungry until lunch time.  no worries, the peach was safe in my car at the end of the day, waiting for me.

byu is a strange place, sometimes.  just when you think you've seen it all, the strangest things happen.  have you ever seen (or even heard of) a student hitchhiking four blocks to school before?  i certainly hadn't.  but i'll definitely remember that next time i'm late for class and without a car, the universe owes me ride!


ps. two exciting developements in my week: possible job offer (wow!) and a meeting with an art professor to review my knowledge of basic concepts and determine the amount of credits i deserve to start with (eek!)

good day! but... strange!  maybe if he hitchhikes again he'll put my number in that consuming phone of his?

fascinating womanhood: a review

have you read this book?

because if not, you should.

fascinating womanhood, by helen andelin, was one of those books that opened my eyes and changed the way i think.  it played to my already inclined opinions.  true, i was teased the entire time i read, with my red pen in hand, by my sisters natalie and hailey.  the subtitle, how the ideal woman awakens a man's deepest love and tenderness, was a little too much for them to stomach without snickering every time they saw me buried in my book.  

believe me, i was a little skeptical as well when my mom suggested the book.  after all, the almost-1950's throwback to the suppressed lifestyle of housedress-wearing, grin-and-bear-it sort of woman doesn't exactly sound ideal, right?  well, i can sure say i was wrong!  the image painted of the "ideal woman" by andelin is beautiful.  something to truly aspire to.  she paints the characteristics of femininity with women from history and the great classics, showing the modern-day woman how to return to their true feminine nature.  the more i read, the more i realized how in-line her teachings were with my own beliefs about correct roles for women and men, husbands and wives.  And to add to her own insight, she incorporates scripture and principles taught by Christ.

Now, for a embarrassing little secret: i fall easily for books slightly leaning toward the "self help" category.  Titles like 7 habits of highly effective people and tables of contents revealing assignments make my heart race a tiny bit and my imagination flare up.  i know, i know.  this seems a little... well, unsophisticated?  but my logic is this: we're on this planet to help each other.  books leaning in this direction are simply advice from a more experienced person to those willing to learn, their way of helping out humanity, and i like that.  not to say that i prefer these books more than another kind; i live for great literature.  these are simply a little guilty pleasure.  besides, the scriptures are the best self helps books to speak of.  but, i digress.  fascinating womanhood has assignments and self-evaluations.  i loved it because it helped me start the process of changing little habits i have and work toward a solid goal.

i evaluated my conversation - i'm still working on the gossip thing, as most college girls are, but i've greatly improved.  i've started steering conversation toward others to show my interest in other people more than in myself.  and (this one is fun!) i've worked on my tone of voice, inserting more emotion into my daily exchanges.  believe me, changing my tone alone did wonders for my attitude.  when i decided to speak as though i were bubbling with happiness, i found i actually was!  it's been an unexpected discovery in my journey of thought processes.

i've started wearing dresses and skirts more than anything else.  after all, i prefer them over pants and shorts so much that it was a little ridiculous how little i wore more feminine clothing.  

i've decided to stop cracking my knuckles - a nasty habit i've had for years.

if i wrote all the little things i'd marked and evaluated since this read, it would be eons long.  so i won't.  there are so many mannerisms and habits my eyes have been opened to.  if i could pick the most surprising and interesting section of the book, it would be the topic of being childlike.  it's a Christian teaching i think is largely not understood, at least by me.  andelin's view of becoming childlike was approachable, and it made sense to me.

disregarding the fact that i fell in love with andelin's view of womanhood, this is a book i feel is historically important.  written in response to the popular book of the feminist movement, the feminine mystique, andelin's writings represent the flip-side of the modern woman, a strength in feminism with a religious acknowledgement to the divine role of womanhood.

to sum up, my grandmother read fascinating womanhood after her marriage and gave the book to my mother in high school.  in turn, my mother gave the book to me.  in years to come, i dream of placing it in the hands of my daughters, passing on the knowledge of divine womanhood and encouraging the growth of correct femininity.

it's a read i would absolutely recommend! but be prepared to change the way think about yourself, your role as a woman, and what you can accomplish through developing stronger characteristics of feminism!

ps. while sorting through some of my mom's recipes today with natalie, we came across a simply luscious pie recipe.  as a last note on the recipe card, the writer had encouragingly added, "zero calories if cut into 99 pieces!!"  we had quite a laugh and ended up disrupting hailey's piano student.  oh what a day!

why the world doesn't need superman

"from the first day he mysteriously appeared we were enamoured. he seemed too good to be true. a man who could fly, see through walls, bend steel with his bare hands. a man who never lied. a man who could do anything he wanted to yet he chose to be a hero."
       -- lois lane, via

but what happens when a hero fails you?  i was once told the great weakness of superman was his inability to be in two places at once - ironic that despite all the human weaknesses overcome by his alien origin, his demise is the same as every single individual in this great big world: time and space.  and with the realization that his challenge is the same as ours, a slight amount of awe is lost.  it inspires sympathy, but without trust.  while his physical abilities set him apart from the human race, his character faults are just like ours.  so why doesn't the world need superman?

1. the world already has a Savior.
2. how many other superheros are there, anyway?
3. society already has enough perpetually single men to deal with.
4. spandex doesn't look good on anyone.

lois lane has more reasons than i do, but she also had ten more years to mull it over.  although i've had much less time to think about it, i'm familiar with the hurt she must have experienced and the abandonment she was subjected to.  here i am, lois lane.  writing away, convincing myself that i don't need superman.  my reasons will multiply with time, as hers did, i think.

for now, i believe.  simply.  i believe in marriage.  i believe in family.  i believe God has a plan for me.  i believe in many things.



but superman is a myth.

of cats and such things.

i think my cats have a death wish.  i honestly miss these two little critters like crazy when i'm away, but one of the first things they do once i'm home is lose another life.  i was jump-roping this morning: click, click, click, click went the rope hitting the tile in our front room.  then with no warning my twelve-year-old cat holly (who had been lazily snoozing in the window sunlight) pounced on the tile exactly where my rope was hitting, getting herself smacked sharply on the head by the rope.  surprising? in fact, yes.  holly is no-nonsense cat - she does not play.  she's also a little too old to be chasing things.  death wish? apparently.

a few minutes later (after making sure the rope didn't do too much damage to my kitty's head), the younger cat came around the corner.  merlin is only a couple years old, and still very much a moody, playful, brainless siamese kitten.  and he pounced.  this time i was spinning full-force and he took the momentum right on the tip of his nose.  he yowled for about a minute and walked around sideways, shaking his head and sneezing for about five.  maybe he doesn't have quite the death wish the older cat seems to demonstrate, but.  if all merlin's friends decided to jump off a cliff, i'm pretty sure he would follow, too.

cats are crazy, but considering the little bit of excitement they add to life, who doesn't love them?

train of thought derailing a little... i miss my kittens when i'm not home.  but this summer, i miss superman - and the missness doesn't really compare to missing cats.  two months of missing has gone by already {can you believe it?  summer half way over}.  well, tomorrow at least.  tomorrow's the half-way.  when the missness is finally downhill.  and yes, i count down.  hopeless romantic, i told you.  anyway, the last two months have been such a whirl.  there really isn't a separation in my memory between winter and spring semesters, and spring semester only boosted the stress level and made my perception of time more warped.  i'm a little afraid though, now that i'm not nearly as busy or distracted, that the next two months will move by too slowly, painfully.  one thousand miles seems such an easy distance sometimes, with all the convenient technology of the 21st century.  but sometimes, the technology just doesn't help, and you crave real, face-to-face interaction.  so.  here's to two more months.  eight more weeks of superman's absence.  after all, the second half of any separation is supposed to fly by even faster... right?

motivational sticky notes

sticky note of the day:
bright pink and very visible, this sticky note is my daily dating motivation.  my roommate and i came across the quote while researching for a paper we both were scrambling to write last semester, and it stuck (like a.. sticky note).  wow, i'm corny.  anyway, dating can be a pain sometimes.  so i think it very wise to keep little motivational phrases close at hand.  really? yeah right. but. this one's worthy of a funny calendar.

"in ancient times, many first marriages were by capture, not by choice."

happy... um, dating.  it's better than abduction, right?
love,
jessica's desktop sticky notes.

i love you, nathaniel eaton.

i had a flashback today.  i think at least 75% middle school girls daydream about the school's quarterback, basketball captain, or another macho real-life epitome of "modern masculinity".  the other 25% is a hodgepodge of girls who either have their head on straight or their head in the clouds: 1) girls who can already see that their interests are better served away from the over-popularized jocks, and 2) the real daydreamers - the ones smitten with book characters.  i was the latter.  and nathaniel eaton was my kind of man.

anyone who's read "the witch of blackbird pond" will agree that it is just one of those books that touches you deep down inside.  that understands what being different feels like.  that teaches about real friendship.  that shows you things will all work out in the end.  in short, if this book were a person, it would be my kindred spirit.  if kit tyler was a real girl, i'm positive we would get along fabulously.  it's one of those books that someday i'll pull off my bookshelf and hand to my teenage daughter, because she needs to know that it's okay to be different or understand the value of true friendship and determination.

really, it's no surprise that nat eaton became my crush of all time.  i connected with the plot so much that i think it was sort of inevitable, despite his relatively small role in the story.  

today, i saw a boy who reminded me very much of nat.  same brown unkempt hair as the nat in my head, with the same sailor-tanned skin and mostly average looks.  and i remembered how absolutely head over heals for this fictional ideal of a romancer i used to be.  true, he did burn down the house kit's fiancée built for her, and a few times when the plot absolutely demanded his comforting presence, he was absent.  but. even though his absent life as a sailor kept him away, he was her friend.

he jumped into the ocean to rescue her - even though she knew how to swim.

and you have to admit, there's something beautifully romantic about burning down the house his competitor built - and to woo their subject, too (with jack-o-lanterns, of all things)... not to mention the fact that he was sailor.  in books, that's usually all it takes to spell romantic.

so, nathaniel eaton, i loved you.  and i don't think it was all that bad of a daydream, either.  it taught me to value friendship - in more ways than one.  it taught me that i could be loved, even if i felt very, very different from the other girls.  and it formed a schema for relational friendship, a standard, so to speak, for the boys that would befriend me in the future.

yep.  good flashback. 

now back to reality: on the subject of fabulous friends, a surprise present came to my door yesterday!
flowers for jessica.  guess who they were from?

they were from superman.

i'm a lucky girl.  after all, how many people get flowers from superman, anyway?

a drive to the past

it's been a nostalgic day.

driving from my beautiful ivins home *into town always gives me throw-back memories, depending on the route i take.  one specifically takes me back to my senior year of high school (a drive i made probably four times a day some days - when my senioritis had me skipping class more than most).  another reminds me mostly of my very first real job.  it was a little (rather greasy) burger shop, complete with ready-made fry sauce and onion rings.  how many times did i press the gas pedal a little harder to miss that yellow light so i wouldn't be late? more than a few, i'm sure.

today, it was skyline drive.  i could make this drive blindfolded, missing every pothole, catching every curve of the road.  back and forth to and from the little community college, back and forth to my college job, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  i remember one specific day i made the 20 minute drive five times.  different classes, different work schedules, forgotten lunch, no money to buy lunch, late-night trip to the "community-college-boyfriend's" apartment, and home again, home again, jiggity jig.

it seemed i was two years younger again.  i found myself thinking about old professors (specifically the worst biology professor ever to step into a classroom and the best {and possibly most attractive} sociology professor in the realm of social science - not one missed class, not one late day... extraordinarily unusual for me. especially high school senior year).  i remembered friday nights late in the visual arts building, and believe me i will never forget the time the rats attacked me.  but that's another story.  i remembered that "community-college-boyfriend," and then i quickly remembered how glad i am that i'm not living in two years ago.

lots of people write letters to themselves in the future.  dear future me, dear future family, dear future husband, etc.  i'm guilty.  you'll find them stashed between pages in my journal, and yep - even here on my blog.  lots of people do that.

but sometimes (most times), i wish that instead of writing letters to my future-self i could write letters to my past-self.  they would look something like this:

"dear self,  i know that you're running really late for class today, but trust me. please, please don't take center street.  really, you can't afford that ticket.  love, someone who's already been there."

"dear self, holding that guy's hand right now might seem like a good idea, but just don't. for once, don't ask for a reason, and just don't be so emotionally driven.  love, a more logical you."

"dear self, i know you can fly through high school without trying much and still get into college.  but take some advice from a poor college student and work a little more, scare your parents a little less, and actually try to live up to your intellectual potential.  it might just get you further than you think. love, someone who would have appreciated a larger savings account."

i think this is why i write to the future version of me sometimes.  it keeps me focused on what i'll think when i look back, keeps me critically asking myself is this a decision i'm going to okay with in five years?  because sometimes (most times, again), i look back on the past five or so years and simply wonder what in the world i was thinking.  i know, i know.  i was a teenager - cut myself some slack!  but i don't want to cut myself some slack in another five years because i was just a young adult, either.

yes, living for the present matters.  but most times, isn't it a good thing to know what direction you want to be headed, too?
that's why i write to my future.

so.

future self,
tonight, i'd like you to remember what you think about when you drive down skyline.  then remember what you think about when you drive down south campus drive, provo.  look at the difference.  and then look at what you'll be remembering in another five years, when you re-visit your current city (where ever in the world it might be).  please adjust your life so the memories that drive brings back only fill you with gratitude, with joy, and with a reverence for the past.
love,
a past nostalgic driver.





*into town: i've now been told a sufficient number of times that this is not a normal phrase.  explanation: it comes from living out of central town, and the phrase is practically incurable.  besides, i rather like the small town sound of it.

superman

last thursday was quite the exhausting day, right from the start.  after a long morning in a class titled "forming marital relations," discussing the different types of dating styles and their motives, i received a reply to a text sent the previous day.  call me superficial.. or cheesy.. a hopeless romantic maybe. but it made my day.  for privacy's sake, it's not included (sorry to disappoint).  it told me that he couldn't ask for a better friend.  it made my heart melt.

i met superman in february (yes, the real superman).  the hectic semester couldn't quite keep us from becoming great friends.  as the semester wrapped up in a whirl (as all do luckily), we decided that 1,087 miles couldn't keep us from furthering a wonderful friendship into something... a little more.  since the end of the semester, i am mostly grateful for green smoothies, sporadically-placed sunny days, and skype (not to mention the convenience of a shared time zone).

i'm grateful for technology in general, to be honest.  but right now, what i really mean is i'm grateful for wonderful friendships and everything that make them possible - even over a large distance, and even with superman.