to read or not to read: the hunger games.

i'll be honest.  the last two days of my life have been absolutely consumed with thoughts of the hunger games.  i wasn't going to read the books - child slaughter isn't exactly my thing.  but then... they decided to come out with a movie.  and of course, my sister loves it and will be seeing it in just a couple hours.  my husband loves it. and naturally, i'm more than a little intrigued by the trailer.  so... i changed my mind.

yesterday, i started reading the book.  within the first two chapters, i was already wiping my eyes dry.  who can make a reader connect to their main character that quickly?  i was completely drawn in.  tonight, i have less than a fourth of the book left.  but sleep calls.  after all, i've spent my entire first day off this week devouring the book instead of sleeping, like i planned.  now i'll be sleeping so i can justify eating up the last portion.

i really can't wait to see if the movie does the book justice.  they never do completely {i'm biased that way}, but the previews at least seem enticing.  here's to hoping we get tickets for saturday night.

my fingers are crossed.

and i think i'm going to go read one more chapter before bed....

goodnight!!

angry old man.

some of the most brilliant ideas come to me while i'm cutting fruit.  at work this morning, i sliced up a pineapple, mango, kiwis and strawberries.  during the first fruit, a man came by to complain {for the sixtieth time} that we did not offer free coffee refills and to threaten that if we didn't offer free refills soon we would no longer have the pleasure of his business.  i kindly told him the decision had been made for a 10% off discount on refills and there would be no further adjustments.  {although what i really wanted to say was that we could survive very well without his business, thank you very much, and would he please take his ancient suit out of the store and go pout on someone else's tables.}  after he left, i seethed into that stupid mango.  i hated customers.  i wanted him to take his unwelcome opinion and put it in his coffin, then jump in himself.

and then i noticed what i was actually feeling.  invalidated.  completely invalidated.  like what i said had no weight and could not sway or sooth this man at all.  to put salt on the wound, i had told this same man last week that we were rethinking our refill policies {which we were}.  however, my manager decided against grossly discounting customers' second cup after i'd talked to the man.  then the man talked to my manager and told him that i said that he could have a free refill.  {again, invalidation.}

by this point in my train of thought, i'd moved on to the second fruit.  and while cutting the second fruit, i realized that if i was feeling invalidated, there was something i could do about it.  my emotional state, confidence, security and safety did not depend on that brat of a man.

so i started slicing strawberries faster.  and with each stroke, i told myself

i am divine.

i am a daughter of God.  and that means i'm royalty.  and that means i matter - a lot.

i can be happy no matter where i am or what i'm doing.

my emotions are a decision and i can choose not to be frustrated and let that man ruin my day.

i am beautiful.

i am worth it.

i am working for my family and providing a way for us to live our dreams.  and that's important.

by the fourth fruit, i was mostly happy.  and an hour later, i was smiling.

small victories are sometimes the best part of the day.

also, next time that man complains to me i'm going to tell him to take his homemade coffee and sit inside the starbucks next door if he's not going to buy anything.  when i get old, i want to be nothing like him.

sunday

today, i'm grateful for my husband, who is always willing to work through things with me until i feel better and have a plan of attack for the future.

today, i'm grateful for sundays with long naps, left-over carrot cake and spiritual renewal.

i'm grateful for pajamas,
and cardigans,
and window panes that keep out the wind.

i'm grateful for yellow rugs,
clean cold water,
and for fablehaven {which keeps my imagination alive}.

i'm grateful that my ears didn't close up although i haven't worn earrings in about two weeks.

and i'm grateful for a blue-and-white-checkered tablecloth that feels like home.

today, i'm mostly grateful for the rest that sunday brings.  for it's calm, it's restoration, and it's safety.

in search of serenity

after crawling into bed last night {as i said i was so excited to do} i realized that my blog told me i posted twice yesterday.  after spending several minutes thinking about whether or not i was insane, i realized what happened:  on the sixteenth, i came home from work, spent a few minutes browsing other blogs, wrote up a blog post of my own and pressed go.  i didn't realize that night that it had been posted several minutes after midnight - making it appear as though it were posted on the seventeenth.  then, on the real seventeenth, i came home from work, used self control and did not read other blogs before posting, and pressed go several minutes before midnight.  thus, i posted on both ends of the same day.

and that's life lately, working my job.  my job isn't bad, but sometimes it keeps me up frustratingly late.  and sometimes it makes me get out of bed irritatingly early.  and, truth is my body isn't liking the inconsistency of that schedule very much.  it isn't liking it very much at all.  tonight, while going over the weekly schedule with taylor, we realized that in order to get a sane amount of sleep we'd need to go to bed at nine sunday through friday night.  {as you see, tonight's already shot.}  then we realized that half those days, we already have obligations that run until around eleven at night.  and basically that means another week of hardly any sleep, long work hours, late nights and early mornings.  honestly, i don't know how it's going to work.

i've set up some good things tonight to help myself feel a little more on top of life.  like setting up new boundaries so i'm not care-taking and so i can have my needs met.  like checking in daily with how my self-talk and thought patterns are doing.  things like that to help move me along the path of feeling more ... sane.

also, this week's going to have a lot less sugar in it.  thankfully.

the point is, since work's started, i've felt pretty crazy.  some days my life feels pretty manageable.  some days i feel like i'm okay - on top of things for the most part.  and then it gets to be night-time and i start to have a mental melt-down about how i'm too tired to work in the morning, my feet hurt, my head hurts, i haven't gotten anything done i needed to on my day off.... yada yada yada...

i have a difficult time living in an unruly schedule, and that's the way work's been.  up by five some days, out till eleven-thirty some days.  so i'm making a decision to change what i can and accept what i can't.  which yes, it's a feat in and of itself to tell the difference.  but i can change my work situation.  or... i can try.  so try i will.  and while i'm trying to change things {aka, get a job that makes more money, works more consistent and manageable hours, and isn't so physically demanding}, i'll accept that right now this is the job i have and i can be happy and enjoy my time there.

after all, i don't hate it.  it just feels like i'm working more than i can maintain and it's still never enough.  so i'll work at the problem from both directions: try to find a more manageable job while also replacing that "not enough" thinking with more of "i'm doing all i can" thinking.  that's the idea, at least.  i have high hopes for the execution.... i think.

to end, here's something i'd like to be reading every day this week:

the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change.
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

taking, as He did, this world as it is,
not, as i would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right if i surrender to His will.

that i may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.