i strugs. and i love my dad.

strugs: n./adj.; an alternative form of the word struggling, invented by victoria and used frequently this summer to describe the general state of... well, me.

sympathy? scorn, maybe? actually victoria is quite a factual person.  i'm almost positive her use of the word is simply a fact, devoid of emotional attachment.  this is pretty apparent from the way she uses the word.  something like, "this is jessica. she strugs."

which reminds me of a time several years ago when (upon entering the kitchen), natalie {endearing older sister as always} introduced me to a very large group of friends like this: "this is my sister jessica. she's diseased!"

i won't go as far as to say i was traumatized, although the fact that the moment is burned into my memory speaks for itself.  at that point, i'd come to accept the fact that i was {as she so politely put it} diseased.

the point is, the last few weeks, i strugs.  although, i'm not sure i'm exactly using the word correctly.

at first, living in seattle didn't seem to phase me much more than making me forget to breath several times a day {stress or beauty... or both}.  i remember distinctly telling my mother that i expected to have at least a small emotional breakdown after being here for a week or so.  after all, it's kind of the way my body deals with change sometimes.  a good cry can be a good thing.  but for some reason, i couldn't really relax enough to cry, and everything just kept building up and up and up.

and then, i cried.  and since then, i haven't really been able to stop.  not to say i'm crying all the time.  but moreso than any self-respecting individual wants to cry.

i came to seattle with this team with the awareness that i might have difficulty with several things.

first, i'm on a team of perpetual over-achievers who have their lives planned by day for the next five years.  yes, i've been accused of being an over-achiever, but now that i've been placed in a league of them, i've realized the title is not mine, nor do i want it to be.  i'm a peaceful person, who likes simplicity, quiet nights at home, and a low-stress environment.  i don't think i want a graduate degree, and after i graduate i don't really know what the next step in life will be.  i'd rather be a full-time mom with a part time yoga-teaching job than a 40-hour-a-week career woman, if that's in the up-stairs plans for me.  for the girls on this team, that mindset seems unusual.  most of them know where they want to go to grad school (although i'm closer to graduation than most of them and i'm still unsure if i'm going to grad school or not).  most of them are actively moving toward a full-time career.  true, most of them also want to be mothers, but in the words of one of the female professors we met with, "why not have both??"

is it really that odd to just... not want both?  to be honest, the idea of having a full-time career while trying to be a good wife and even thinking about children just kind of makes me sick.  i take my hat off to the women that can do it all, while very simply saying, i'm just not one of them.

and then there's the endless debate of what actually is driving that personal desire.  am i just lazy to only want one instead of trying to have both at once?  would i rather not compete for full-time careers because i think i wouldn't have what it takes in that area?  would i be selling myself short or stifling the academic talent i've been given if i stop at a bachelor's degree, and in the future decline full-time work to raise children?

truthfully, i have never felt so tormented by the bind of that decision.  i understand this is far, far in my future.  however, i also understand that my present path will determine my future, and after seeing the dollar amount of my undergraduate education, i won't be choosing an academic path that doesn't lead to at least some financial compensation, if i chose an academic future at all.

really, i believe in marriage and in motherhood.  and i believe in those things as a highest life priority - way, way above a career for me.

society expects women to have successful careers, be wonderful wives and mothers, to do both at the same time and to want to do both just as much.  but... isn't it okay just to pick one?

mostly, it's wonderful to be surrounded by other young women who are high achievers because it pushes me see how far i can stretch - and teaches me my limits, too.  it's impressive to see girls who are driven enough to insist that life give them both {family and career} at the same time.  but it's also difficult to have different expectations, to want different things, and to value much different things in life, too.

and that's why i strugs this summer.  because it's hard to feel different.


by the way, as a way to end this discussion about society's expectation for women, i'd like to say...

happy father's day!!!

especially to my dad.

he is the best father that anyone could ever have.  i look up to him more than anyone else.  thank you, dad, for always being there to listen, to give me advice, steer me back on track, and make sure i'm doing okay.  i value your support and love so very much.  and i love you with all my heart!

have a happy father's day!

writer's block.

life's been strange the past week{ish}.  and several times i've started to mentally blame my neglected blog on the fact that i'm busy.  but really, let's be honest, here.  i'm just going through a significant period of writer's block.  about every other day, i sit down at my computer to write and something unusual happens: nothing.

every time i'm just...kind of, well... blank.

this summer's already been a swirl of decisions made, second-guessed, and called off.  plan-b's thought through entirely only to be discarded.  on one hand, it's already been an exhaustingly moody summer.  but on the other hand, it's been mostly many moments of pure happiness.  but... on the third hand, i've had more days of depressed restlessness than ever before.  i've known concretely what the next year of my life will look like six different times already - and none of them overlap even the slightest.  i've cursed the cold for seeping into every possible crack it could and screamed at the humidity for making me sticky and sweaty.  i've apologized for being a horrible person multiple times to my work partner, my roommates, my boyfriend, and my messy room {which takes the brunt of it all}.

yesterday {while i couldn't think of anything to write}, i read over several posts i wrote from last summer, which {if i had to title it} would be the time period of finding inner-joy.  i looked back and marveled.  i wrote those words?  while i remember learning those lessons, i'm not sure what happened between points a and b.  not that i'm unhappy.  not in the least.

just excessively inconsistent.

i'm the kind of person that thrives on structure - scheduled {but not overly-busy} days.  predictability in almost every area of life.  spontaneity present, but definitely on a back-burner.  and i have fully realized that if i  wanted to stick with that high-structure sorta thing, i definitely picked the wrong summer job.

but we end up with the things in life that help us grow, yes?

yes.  yes, we do.

looking back i can see what a massive period of growth last summer was for me, and i can only hope that in hindsight this summer will look similar.  i feel like i'm learning some of the same lessons {over and over and over again}, but in circumstances that increasingly build in difficulty.  last summer i learned to find joy in life while in the most predictable and safe setting possible, home.  this summer, i'm trying to learn to find that inner peace and joy while in an extremely unpredictable setting, one that is constantly changing and constantly go go going.  it's more difficult, that's for sure.

but... {deep inhale breath}

hard is good.

and i can do hard.

also, this whole "what do i want to do with my life after school" thing is really starting to drive me crazy. so, let's take a pole, shall we? :)

things that very well could be in jessica's future {aka, pick the future you want to vicariously live through my blog}:

• social work master's degree
• yoga teaching certification program
• massage therapy school
• family studies research master's degree
• holistic nutrition and healing master's degree 
• or the all-present option of calling a bachelor's degree sufficient and finding a groovy job at a cool cafe or bakery while being poor and having time to read books i want to read, run races i want to run, and get a dog.

and honestly, that last one is awful appealing, lately.

and now i'm going to go do yoga and meditate about all that stuff for a while {which really means i'll be thinking of anything BUT those things}.

this summer's mantra: "i can be happy independent of my environment, my schedule, and my messy apartment."

now... to prove it.

happy weekend :)

music

hours past midnight, and i really ought to be sleeping.  i have a drive in front of me in the morning - quick trip home and i'm already on my way back up to happy valley - and if i'm going to stay awake on the freeway, i need some sleep.  why am i awake, you ask?  well, it's because of music.

see, one of the more valuable things i lost when my little green laptop decided to die was my entire {and extremely cherished} music collection.  i say collection because it truly was that. i had  music on my ipod from early high school {mae, all-american rejects, relient k}.  i had music from every good friend who agreed to a music exchange party for years back, things like taylor the latte boy and pink martini.  i had a unique section from most of my lovers through my dating years - some really bizarre, some i listened to regularly.  artists as random as cartel, sea bear, and the byu men's choir.  the disney song kiss the girl from the little mermaid, the intro song from mission impossible II that my mom loves to dance to, a massive chunk of sabrina's music that she was generous enough to share with me {sufjan stevens, lady gaga, the shins}.

i had never listened to quite a bit of it.  a large portion of the never-listened-to section was given to me by a boy with language that wasn't quite up to par.  this part i'm happy to be rid of.  it sat there going stale because i didn't want to sort through it to find what was actually good and what was sour.

. . . i'm getting sidetracked.

to get to the point, despite the fact that i hadn't even listened to all this music, and that ninety percent of it wasn't actually mine, it was absolutely a part of me.  this itunes collection told a story.  the story of my friends, the story of my difficulties, the story of my twitterpated fantasies, the story of my lovers, the story of my heartaches and successes.  it told my story.

and it's gone.

is it really lame that this is the part of my old computer i miss the most?  i had papers on there that took me hours and hours - sucked the life out of me for weeks.  i had lists of everything important i'd accomplished in life and everything i wanted to someday check off.  years worth of budgets, creative writing, pictures. . .etc.  and yet, the part that seemed the most me was my music - because it told my story.

"this will be good for you!" chimes natalie.  {as she's helping me sort through a package of music i'd given her a while back to restore to my possession.}  "a new start!  you don't ever have to be reminded of that one horrible relationship again when his music starts playing on your computer...because it won't be there!"

and i guess that's just it.  i like memories.  i like the good and the bad - knowing where it came from, where i came from.  music is a big reminder for me - of all things good and bad.

a new start really is a good thing.  i think it's coming at an opportune time, a time when i needed to have my memory hard-drive wiped clean, slightly...metaphorically.  it scares me to let those things go, i think.  i hold on to them tightly because they're mine to remember.

but the last while i've felt very. . . new-start-ish.

i remember specifically, february 13th, coming home at about 10:00 pm and telling genni, "it just feels like the start of something new.  a new chapter. i don't know why yet, but something's different.  i can feel it."

and then i think of all the things life's forced me {against my will, more often than not} to let things go the last while.  it's been quite the load.  things i've lost, things lost on me, people i'll never see again, things i'll never read, little mementos that triggered memories - all gone.  and i think, maybe it's a good thing, this losing.  some of those songs were the only tie left to certain memories.  when i listened, i would remember things i otherwise wouldn't be able to recall at all.

and maybe it's a good thing those memories have been bound to my subconscious.  i think it's a not-so-subtle hint that i need to move on.

because if i expect to give a new chapter in my life full attention, i need to let the old ones stay old.  stay in the past.

and maybe the best way to do that was to wipe my hard-drive clean.  it seems a little brutal to me still.  but i guess drastic times call for drastic measures.

well.  the drastic measures have been made, and i'm waiting to see signs of drastic times.

don't get me wrong.  things are swell.  yes, even abnormally or drastically swell!  and i want that to keep going. but i'd also like to have a little foresight and understand why it was so important that i lose all that music and all those memories.

because really, i'm missing all the albums of jimmy eat world pretty tremendously right now.
but then. . .i think i've already found some more than decent substitutions. . .

here's to future music. . .and drastic times and drastic measures.

and also, natalie just suggested that sometime i write a comical version of this post outlining all the music i received from each boyfriend i had.  man, that'd be a list, for sure!
and yes, comical is a good word.

but that's another day. :)
goodnight, music-lovers!

ps. my cat just ate a really big bug.  ew... second thoughts about sleeping with her tonight... ew.

be still, my soul.

this morning, i peeked through my blinds and found my world covered in six inches of powdery, clumpy snow.  the kind that weighs the trees down until the blossoming branches touch the side walk and streets.  despite my restlessness for spring, it was magical all over again - absolute proof i'm becoming more accustomed to provo winters than i ever thought possible.  walking at the south end of campus, i noticed the ducks seemed a little more than annoyed at the sudden cold spell than usual, and i smiled.  i dealt with the snow today better than the ducks did, i think.

this weekend is a highlight for me {of the semester entirely}.  general conference is one of my favorite holidays.  okay, not actually a holiday, but it felt like one this time around.  having two full days to soak as much spiritual strength as i can from my leaders is a privilege i treasure.  especially now, as i have changes springing at me from all sides, it was more than encouraging.  it was restful.  rest that i dearly needed {although i hadn't realized it before now}.

i feel rejuvenated.  like i have the tools i need to move forward.

there are a few things that have been worrying me lately.  the future {immediate and far} is on my mind more than usual, lately.  as a woman, i have a strong desire to have a family - someday.  i want that family to be my first priority.  however, as my bachelor's degree nears it's end {thankfully}, i have a large decision to make.  to have a master's, or not to have a master's?  i've been the pendulum in that clock for quite some time.  i know i could thrive in that situation, that i could love that education and the career it led to with all of myself.  but i worry it would distract me from what i really want in this life: to have a family of my own.  i know the temptation would grow to replace that with other things.  it would become easier to be more self-centered, easier to be only self-reliant, easier to be too. . .independent.

maybe it's a silly worry - i know plenty of women who have gone beyond master's degrees, with and without families who are living their lives in line with principles i value.  but then again, i know my weaknesses - some of them.  and i worry about putting myself in that situation.

this weekend, i glimpsed a little rest from that worry and those decisions.  while hearing inspired messages, i received my own little peace.  the thought that i would know what to do.  that i can pray and go to the house of the Lord to guide my decisions, peacefully.

i still don't know what to do.  i'm not sure exactly the things i should definitely pursue {as more options present themselves}.  but i know i'll be guided by my Heavenly Father to the course He would have me walk on.  i felt sure {through this weekend} that being in seattle over the summer will be difficult, that it will be more of a test than i've even anticipated, in more ways than i've dreamed about.  but i know now that it is what i am to do.  i know it's an experience meant to refine me, meant to make me stronger and help guide my future - as uncertain as it seems right now.

i know my Savior loves me and will be there to support me as i face things i'm still afraid of right now.  i know He can help me turn that fear into faith - for the two cannot exist in the same space, like light and darkness.  

i also know i need to sleep if i'm going to wake up to run in the morning {and yes, that's a need}.  

i sat down to write about something almost completely unrelated to all. . .this.  but apparently my subconscious had other plans.

tomorrow, i won't be quite as deep! :)

goodnight, world.  here's to waking up to spring again!

birthday!! and a shocking surprise.

yes, that's right.  this week {thursday} was my twenty-first birthday.  because the last year has sincerely taken me for a whirl, i'll be updating soon.  new profile.  new layout.  new life lists.  new goals {i do this by birthday more than by year...i think it makes them more personal}.  new pictures.  new-ish me. . . . but not really more grown-up.  i've officially decided i don't believe in growing up.  not that i'm throwing responsibility to the wind and joining the peter pan generations, here.  i'm just not growing up in the usual sense.. i'm growing up in the literal sense.

thanks mostly to the saintly natalie, my birthday celebration was an absolutely fabulous blast.  she made me breakfast, bought me a package of guilty pleasure veggie corndogs, planned, organized, decorated, and more.  a little group of close friends {natalie, sabrina, beth, genni, and me} went to dinner at happy sumo  - YUM sushi. so so great.  later that night, we played spit for hours, watched emperor's new groove, ate mountains of cupcakes, threw over a hundred yellow balloons around, played some kazoo, attempted an unsuccessful learning session of killer bunnies, and generally had a ball.  my birthday had really been kicked off the night before {starts at midnight!} with a thrilling, ear-splitting round of happy birthday by the general living room crowd.

mostly, i felt loved - which is what a birthday is all about.

sadly, the decorations came down yesterday in preparation for our vigorous cleaning checks {PASS}.

and now for my news...
this coming summer, i will not be blogging from little happy valley.  i won't be blogging from home-sweet-home-ivins, either.  i'll be blogging from seattle!
shocked?
i was, too.

remember that internship i applied for?  well, there are two branches: one in provo, one in seattle, washington.  i applied for the provo branch.  logically, i'd be close to home, wouldn't have to drive my car all over a huge city...it just made sense.  but guess what?  they offered me a spot in seattle.  and guess what?  i took it!  i'm nervous, anxious, eager, excited, scared, anticipatory, still shocked, horribly sad to be leaving my family for a solid four months, fabulously thrilled by the thought of such a huge adventure, and feeling so many different and contradictory things i don't know how to react. except for excited. i am that.  also nervous. i know i'm that, too.
did i say nervous?

satisfactorily, i can now say to my dear little future: i found you!

adventure, here i come!
i feel a little like buzz lightyear. see, for me, seattle is practically infinity.  i can't even imagine what beyond would look like!

internship? i thought this was game night...

yesterday, 12:42 pm. i walked into a little office on the left side of one of the most beautiful buildings on campus. three minutes early.  purposefully - not too early, but definitely not cutting it close, either.  heels: not too high, pointed.  pants: blue and white pinstripe, wide-leg, high-waisted, made me look tall.  blazer: white, feminine, three buttons on top, fit like a glove - thank you natalie's closet!  purse: zebra; hair: curly; lips: red.

i walked into the office (smiling), and looked at the boy with the clipboard.  "ah, there you are!" he announced to the two seated individuals, a lanky man with worn dress shoes and a gal with long dark hair and a flouncy skirt.  {interjection: i don't talk about clothes or the way i look much, i don't think.  but when entering a mysterious group internship interview, clothes are about the one thing that you can control.  well, other than the shape of your mouth...the lanky man wasn't smiling.}  "have a seat, jessica.  we're just waiting for one more."  he instructed.  the one more showed up quickly - too quickly for my liking; i wanted a moment to collect my thoughts.  she was tiny, smiley, and pretty in blue.  she stepped through the door and without a moment's hesitation, the boy with the clipboard whisked us back to a small closet/room with an oval table with four chairs behind it, a video camera in front of it, and a newspaper laying horizontally on top of it.

brief (very brief) instructions and introductions were given.  the researchers (including the boy with the clipboard) would leave the room after starting the camera and handing us a task card.  we had exactly six minutes in which to complete our task.  "we'll knock at two minutes. open the door at six."  a card was laid on our table, a button pressed, and right before they left, they snatched the newspaper from the table to reveal an entire set of scrabble letters - face down.

that's right - letters.  we had six minutes to use all the letters on the board in the most creative words we could think of, bonus points for length.  {interjection: at this point you should know that this is not a dream.  no worries, i had to pinch myself a few times to make sure my mind wasn't frantically making up nervous stories about the up-coming interview, too.  nope, this is a real interview, down the every last Q and Z.}

we stared at each other - all a little shocked - for about 5 seconds.  30 seconds of interaction, "let's try for the longest words individually, then combine them and see how far we can get with those," and we took off.  "here's the Q!", "anyone have any great Z words in mind?", "RESPONSIBILITY, they'll like that, haha...".  knockknockkncok.  two minutes left, "okay let's just start tacking smaller words on where ever we can find a space," the lanky man dictated.

the door opened, the button was pushed.  "thank you for your time! it looks like you guys did a great job!" a new woman exclaimed.  "we'll let you know within the week if you've been chosen for an individual interview through email.  have a great day!"

that was it.

six minutes of stressed-scrabble-mania to decide the next year of my life.

thank you, natalie, for making me play scrabble with you more than once a week for the last year {exaggeration, but still, we play a lot}.

here's to hoping those scrabble skills didn't interfere with my social skills too much!




ps.  i picked up the hitchhiker again, today.  yes, the same hitchhiker.  bad habit of his, i guess.  convenient for him, i own a very polite car.

minor

for the last few weeks {monthish} i've been contemplating quite a few very large decisions.  for example:

• internship winter semester or summer semester?
• internship in provo or anywhere in the world?
• ...which internship??
• after april graduation, what next -
• frantic search for full-time job to cover expenses?
• yoga certification?
• stay in provo?
• move back to st. george?
• move...anywhere else?
• LDS mission (which very recently became a possibility with the closeness of my 21st birthday)?
• if so, mission in january? april? later?

in short, i have been overwhelmed with the options.  naturally, when one has a list of possible opportunities this long, one chooses something that was never on the list to begin with.  which is exactly what i did.

art minor!

that's right, my mourning days are over.  i am now an official visual arts minor, and i don't have to cry out in jealousy every time i meet an illustration major.  true, this decision pushes my graduation out another semester.  now, the date is december - slightly more than a year away.  that's a daunting thought, surely.  but after considering all the many options in my life right now, the only one that feels right is just to stay put for a little while longer.  and to compound that, it makes more sense than the rest do.  now, the possibility of finding a paid internship (that i'll love) will be considerably easier because i can look during the summer without worrying about graduation.

i do have one concern: money.
but my reasoning is thus: money was the one factor that almost stopped me from coming to this university to begin with (which, i feel, has been one of the best decisions in my life).  so, if money wasn't a good enough reason to stop that, it's not enough to stop this.  money will work itself out, somehow.

i also have one soapbox:
a pet-peeve, of sorts.  it drives me crazy when boys and girls stay in college for eternity playing around.  they take all the fun classes, perpetually put off making decisions about their major and future in general.  i think this exemplifies the stereotype of my generation - the generation that doesn't know how to grow up and take the reins.  i am decidedly not doing this.  i realized this was a large reason for my rush through school - the goal of graduating with my bachelors when i was twenty.  but guess what?  i realized adding a minor wasn't considered playing around - and i can still have a lot of fun doing it!

so there you go.

i'm now very settled with my decision to do what i'm passionate about (study families), while also incorporating one of my first loves into my education (art).

and i can't wait to step into that art building.

with full confidence that someday, my studio will look like this.

on travel

i'm feeling antsy in provo, today.
it's an adventure - but some days i'm not sure if it's big enough for me,
or if it's my adventure for more than a short while longer,
it's a growing feeling, and i can't pinpoint when it started.

it must have been somewhere between a cross-cultural family development course
in which i have no previous experience with other cultures
and most of the others do.
the seed could have been planted when natalie left for london,
but more likely when she came home -
with descriptions of the markets, the food, the diversity.

it might have been before that:
something of my own doing, by displaying
the beautiful hand-painted blue turkish bowl.
the intricate spoon from uruguay.
an eiffel tower lamp, always hovering above my bed.
a miniature vintage mannequin - from natalie, in london.
a desktop image of italy.

last night, i was {yet again} opened to the possibilities.
my friends sat around me, talking about
the places they'd been
things they'd seen

i've always been content at home.
happy to let others travel and see their spoils,
but it's getting to me.

and i'm antsy in provo.
hopefully just today.

the blur: what a week.

this has been an extraordinary week of people.  the first week of school is always a reminder of how much i simply love to see so many different kinds of people every single day (in hindsight that is).  you see, while i love being flung into that consistent byu culture, which feels more like a melting pot to me than it probably does to most people, it's also a week of unusual adjectives.

this week, i laughed so hard i cried; i ate the most glorious breakfast - twice.  i almost brought a hammer to campus just so i could smash the microwave (jfsb basement) that i could not for my life figure out how to use.  there was a day that made me so sick to my stomach that i sprawled on my bedroom floor for over an hour before crawling into bed.  i reconnected with a few potential kindred spirits (on that note, i think it's about time for an anne of green gables marathon soon, don't you?).  although a huge improvement from last year, i found myself almost entirely lost three times.  i made several chillingly large decisions, with only the threat of tears.  i realized the possibilities tied to the fact that my twenty-first birthday is in two months, and the potentials almost made me hyperventilate.  i experienced that knife-to-the-back sensation when you understand that no matter how much you want something, the obtaining is completely out of your control.  i scheduled an appointment with the internship coordinator for next tuesday - talk about scary!  i awoke to a quarter-sized black spider directly above my nose, and i probably would have died if beth hadn't come along.  oh yeah, and i ran four miles (yay, me!).

i think that gives at least a feel for the emotional roller coaster this week has been.  after all was said and done, i now know where all of my classes are (not to mention the indoor track and weight room).  luckily, there were a few blessed people that stabilized my week a tad bit:

sprint boy: we could never really decide upon an approximate age, but he was hysterical.  after natalie's subconscious made the choice to put her phone through the washer, we found ourselves sitting for nearly an hour listening to his bored ramblings (on a friday night).  i very nearly gifted the flower sticky notes in my purse after he asked for the needed number fifteen times.

julia:  meet the beautiful italian waitress (who, of course, works at olive garden).  she gave us way more cheese than was wanted or needed and i loved her for it.  she called us "my love" in italian (we think), "her pretties," and told us more than once to "enjoy life and hold on to our credit cards!"  truthfully, through her incredible accent and flamboyant eye makeup, i caught only about two-thirds of what she said.

allison: a new friend in my advanced family processes class in a very similar life situation with the portrayal of an entirely more firm grip on life than i can admit to possess this week.  a short little conversation after class and my motivation and confidence in my decision-making ability bounced back up to a little above normal.  don't you love when you need someone to just show you that it's possible to take the next few steps and they land right in one of your classes?  i do.

so that's the week!  and now that i'm slightly more settled in a routine, i won't be doing anymore week-long sum-ups {hopefully}.  now to conquer the world!  ...and do some homework.  :)

plans, not from death cab for cutie

yesterday marked exactly one week left at home.  it's an extremely bittersweet fact.

see, i never expected to be moving back to ivins this summer.  the plan was to stay in provo, find a job  i could keep through this coming fall semester and come home on the weekends (every other, or so).  however, looking back at the entirety of summer, the one word that sums it up is unexpected.  it's been one of the most unpredictable summers of my existence, i believe.  the only other that comes close is the first summer out of high school, with the typical life-altering decisions looming and my decision-resistant nature putting them off as long as possible. but this one beats all.  it was unexpected and unpredictable in almost every way.

however, through the chaotic nature of unexpected events, i've discovered something.  this past january, i wrote a few musings on the same subject, about the unexpected color thrown onto my canvas.  i wrote about how i longed to be able to accept the change with more grace, hope, and trust in God.  i wished i could have seen the beauty that such big changes bring sooner than i did.  and i think i've improved.

i guess in hoping for such, i may have invited several more drop-from-the-sky-and-hit-me-in-the-head changes.  for practice, you see.

what i've discovered is that i have changed.  i can say truthfully that i've seen the beauty this summer (without requiring understanding).  i've been okay with the changes - although some were extremely unwanted, they didn't end my world.  i'm the sort of person with a functioning five year plan.  a five year plan that i work toward.  i've learned to be more flexible with the changes God introduces, less flexible with my foundations despite the always shifting world.

i've come to whole-heartedly believe this quote from the beloved movie, dan in real life:

 "in the future, i will be answering your questions, but today I want to break from my usual format and talk to you about the subject of plans.  not so much my plan for this column, but life plans, and how we all make them.  and how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own.  but if we're really honest with ourselves, our plans usually don't work out as we had hoped.  so instead of asking our young people "what are you plans? what do you plan to do with your life?" maybe we should tell them this: plan to be surprised."


i still have a five year plan.  two of them, in fact.  and a loooooong list of items i'd like to accomplish before i come to the end of those five years.  but i'm making a few changes tonight.  i'm planning to be surprised.  after all, if life were just as i expected, it would get dull pretty quickly.  God knows best, and i can't wait to see what surprises He's waiting to drop from the sky.


as far as i believe, they're probably much better than any plan i could contrive for myself.


i plan to successfully finish another semester this year, and have more adventure doing it than ever before.  but as for the rest, it's all one big surprise!

why the world doesn't need superman

"from the first day he mysteriously appeared we were enamoured. he seemed too good to be true. a man who could fly, see through walls, bend steel with his bare hands. a man who never lied. a man who could do anything he wanted to yet he chose to be a hero."
       -- lois lane, via

but what happens when a hero fails you?  i was once told the great weakness of superman was his inability to be in two places at once - ironic that despite all the human weaknesses overcome by his alien origin, his demise is the same as every single individual in this great big world: time and space.  and with the realization that his challenge is the same as ours, a slight amount of awe is lost.  it inspires sympathy, but without trust.  while his physical abilities set him apart from the human race, his character faults are just like ours.  so why doesn't the world need superman?

1. the world already has a Savior.
2. how many other superheros are there, anyway?
3. society already has enough perpetually single men to deal with.
4. spandex doesn't look good on anyone.

lois lane has more reasons than i do, but she also had ten more years to mull it over.  although i've had much less time to think about it, i'm familiar with the hurt she must have experienced and the abandonment she was subjected to.  here i am, lois lane.  writing away, convincing myself that i don't need superman.  my reasons will multiply with time, as hers did, i think.

for now, i believe.  simply.  i believe in marriage.  i believe in family.  i believe God has a plan for me.  i believe in many things.



but superman is a myth.

reunions!

wow! it's been a while since i've made a moment to post, but the exciting news is that i have so many new stories!  it's been a weekend (and a full week, if i'm really talking updating here) full of fun, filled with old friends and adventures.  i can't wait to post about all my fun little moments over the last week (all picture documented!!).  but i think instead of attempting to catch all the way up starting at the beginning, i'll start with today...

holiday! which (lucky me) meant a half day of work.  i finished up at noon, and was quickly tied to the couch to watch some great comedy routines by brian regan with my sister, natalie.  afterward, i had a wonderful little reunion.  my fabulous friend carlie was in town today!  carlie and i have known each other since middle school geometry (mrs. black's class, front row, where we created our first news letters {per se} called the codfish confidential).  we were silly girls.  we still are silly girls, talking about how growing up is so strange sometimes.  carlie and i are kindred spirits, as anne of green gables would put it.  we only live about an hour away from each other, but we only see each other every few months now.

graduation - right before we moved away from each other

cupcake adventures - they happen all the time

summer days swimming at the lake... this time a little too early. it was freezing!

bubbles!! in the glen by carlie's first dorm, at sunset the bubbles are incredible!

lucy and ethel - taken by sabrina perkins

today, we planned some adventures.  we've always wanted to live together, or at least travel together somewhere exciting.  the consensus today was a trip to washington d.c. possibly sometime this fall, a yoga retreat (next summer?), and the possibility of rooming together while she finishes school and i snatch an internship.  also.  if i graduate on schedule, there's always the dream of visiting her in the summer while she studies abroad in italy.  wouldn't that be a dream come true?

big plans.  we like to dream big, carlie and i.  but mostly, it was just great to see each other - and eat banana soft serve with raspberries and chocolate sauce.

night frights

so it's going on more than a week now.  a week that i just absolutely cannot sleep.  you'd think that once all the stress was whisked away and the comforts of home surrounded me that sleep would come easily, naturally.  unfortunately, my body has a different opinion than yours.

or maybe it's my mind.  because, you see, it's not that i can't sleep because i'm restless or achy or just not tired.  i can't sleep because my mind simply will not turn off.  and i'm not thinking of nice things, either.  i go over and over whether or not all the doors in the house are locked, how big the cat has to be to set the sensor light on outside my window, and if that sound i heard in the kitchen was the cat or... wait, the cat's by my feet.  what in the world could have made that sound in the kitchen??  etc.

usually, going to bed is a bit of a self-calming exercise to begin with.  i'm no stranger to the solution of hum a hymn and pick your favorite memory to mull over until you doze off and don't have to worry about the could-be robber outside your bedroom window.  but the last week has been an unnatural panic every time the light goes out.  i don't remember being afraid of the dark when i was younger, but somehow that fear must have developed with a surplus of information.  information about the rapes around my apartment.  information about how easy it would be to break the front door in if you really wanted to.  information about the importance of carrying mace around in my purse... or hand if i really want to be prepared.  simply too much information.  taking greater care with safety precautions in my apartment coupled with all the stress of the closing of last semester has made me paranoid.  and i can't seem to turn off the paranoia quite as quickly as it seemed to come on.

but.

sooner or later, i have to get some sleep.  after all, one can die from exhaustion.  it's a fact.

so. i might as well try again tonight.

goodnight.

and wish me luck.

a drive to the past

it's been a nostalgic day.

driving from my beautiful ivins home *into town always gives me throw-back memories, depending on the route i take.  one specifically takes me back to my senior year of high school (a drive i made probably four times a day some days - when my senioritis had me skipping class more than most).  another reminds me mostly of my very first real job.  it was a little (rather greasy) burger shop, complete with ready-made fry sauce and onion rings.  how many times did i press the gas pedal a little harder to miss that yellow light so i wouldn't be late? more than a few, i'm sure.

today, it was skyline drive.  i could make this drive blindfolded, missing every pothole, catching every curve of the road.  back and forth to and from the little community college, back and forth to my college job, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  i remember one specific day i made the 20 minute drive five times.  different classes, different work schedules, forgotten lunch, no money to buy lunch, late-night trip to the "community-college-boyfriend's" apartment, and home again, home again, jiggity jig.

it seemed i was two years younger again.  i found myself thinking about old professors (specifically the worst biology professor ever to step into a classroom and the best {and possibly most attractive} sociology professor in the realm of social science - not one missed class, not one late day... extraordinarily unusual for me. especially high school senior year).  i remembered friday nights late in the visual arts building, and believe me i will never forget the time the rats attacked me.  but that's another story.  i remembered that "community-college-boyfriend," and then i quickly remembered how glad i am that i'm not living in two years ago.

lots of people write letters to themselves in the future.  dear future me, dear future family, dear future husband, etc.  i'm guilty.  you'll find them stashed between pages in my journal, and yep - even here on my blog.  lots of people do that.

but sometimes (most times), i wish that instead of writing letters to my future-self i could write letters to my past-self.  they would look something like this:

"dear self,  i know that you're running really late for class today, but trust me. please, please don't take center street.  really, you can't afford that ticket.  love, someone who's already been there."

"dear self, holding that guy's hand right now might seem like a good idea, but just don't. for once, don't ask for a reason, and just don't be so emotionally driven.  love, a more logical you."

"dear self, i know you can fly through high school without trying much and still get into college.  but take some advice from a poor college student and work a little more, scare your parents a little less, and actually try to live up to your intellectual potential.  it might just get you further than you think. love, someone who would have appreciated a larger savings account."

i think this is why i write to the future version of me sometimes.  it keeps me focused on what i'll think when i look back, keeps me critically asking myself is this a decision i'm going to okay with in five years?  because sometimes (most times, again), i look back on the past five or so years and simply wonder what in the world i was thinking.  i know, i know.  i was a teenager - cut myself some slack!  but i don't want to cut myself some slack in another five years because i was just a young adult, either.

yes, living for the present matters.  but most times, isn't it a good thing to know what direction you want to be headed, too?
that's why i write to my future.

so.

future self,
tonight, i'd like you to remember what you think about when you drive down skyline.  then remember what you think about when you drive down south campus drive, provo.  look at the difference.  and then look at what you'll be remembering in another five years, when you re-visit your current city (where ever in the world it might be).  please adjust your life so the memories that drive brings back only fill you with gratitude, with joy, and with a reverence for the past.
love,
a past nostalgic driver.





*into town: i've now been told a sufficient number of times that this is not a normal phrase.  explanation: it comes from living out of central town, and the phrase is practically incurable.  besides, i rather like the small town sound of it.

swinging in the park

today, i met an old friend.  and when i say "old friend," i mean really old friend.  in my first memory of her, i called her a muskrat.  she called me stupid.  and that was the beginning of a fabulous friendship.

in my next memory, i was lying flat on my back, coughing up the tooth her flying fist had just knocked loose.  

there were years that we saw each other two, maybe three times other than in weekly sunday school classes, and there were years that we never missed a thursday night trip to the temple together - just us.  

over those years, we've talked about everything from bugs to boys.  mostly silly and laughter, sometimes serious and tears.

she was married a month and a half ago to the boy of her dreams. (and i'm still not quite finished with her wedding present).

it's a little strange when people you're close to move on.  i'm happier than anything in the world that she's happier than anything in the world.  but at the same time, it feels strange that she grew up.  i know it happened a little at a time, but sometimes it seems so sudden.  swinging together at the park seems so close in the past.  i guess that's the thing: we all grow up. quickly. and then we just have to figure out what to do with this adult-sized body that doesn't quite seem natural yet.

a couple days ago (at a church activity) a boy was trying to guess my age. after a little hmmming, he pinned me at nineteen.  a little in shock, i said no, i'm twenty. 

oh, it's about the same thing! he exclaimed, then walked off to refill his salsa bowl.  

it's the first time i remember someone ever assuming i was even a year younger than i am.  it's a good thing i think.  maybe my age is catching up to my looks finally.  or maybe i'm growing young again.

anyone want to swing?

ps. congratulations to the muskrat!