grateful

as a moment of gratitude, i'm going to talk about running, again.  i know i've been going on about how much i love running quite a bit lately, but indulge me at least once more!  i started running about two years ago.  before that, i couldn't run.  as i've mention briefly before, i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when i was fourteen after more than four years of searching to the answer to my fragile health.  currently, i consider myself free of all diagnoses.  overcoming the mental crutch is half the battle, and in my opinion i've been healed (which is of course a long journey that never really ends), but i digress.

i can run now.  maybe not quite with the ease that i'd like, but i can do it.  i've been running for an hour a day for the last month (my goal is still going, i've only missed one day so far!).  i don't run the whole time, probably about 40 minutes of the 60 i'm out.  but simply for the fact that i actually can run now, i love it.  every morning when i when i start to sweat, my heart pounds, and my breathing speeds up considerably, the thought foremost in my  mind is, "thank you.  thank you, Father for letting me experience this joy.  thank you for allowing me to run and helping me be healthy enough to run every single day."

i am so grateful for my body that can run.  i'm thankful for my health, and the knowledge that the journey i've taken to gain it has given to me.

project: you are what you think - the beginning of a new journey.

it's a new day.

and yes, i know that's a very obvious statement.  but.  today is different.  today marks the beginning of a new goal, experiment, and potentially life-altering decision.

there are a million different things that shape you into who you are, exactly, right?  considering what i deeply believe, the first (or what should be first) is our Heavenly Father - His plan for us through our compliance with it.  next, the Lord has told us that "as a man thinketh, so is he."  i also believe in the largely quoted (and never taken quite seriously enough) statement, "you are what you eat."  i strive for the first, devoutly.  i almost obsess over the latter, strictly.  until now, i have payed only vague acknowledgement to the second: you are what you think (disappointingly).

in actuality, your thoughts determine your reality, and your perception of it.  i've known this, but largely (and ashamedly) have ignored the fact.

remember how i'm sick?  it got worse yesterday.  the goal was to not be bed-ridden, and to my disappointment i failed miserably.  i did get out of bed, but only to move to the couch and in front of the television.  how pathetic is that?  i don't even watch television.  i've been blaming this nasty cold on the stress of last semester in combination with the sweets that were altogether too plentiful my last week in provo (for a while).  i'm sure these elements played a role.  after all, you are what you eat, and i was eating what makes me sick.  i know my body doesn't hold up very well under extreme stress or pressure, and that's exactly what i was in.  but.  here's the confession: what have i been thinking through all this stress and some uncharacteristic unhealthy eating? unhappy thoughts.

i've been a nervous wreck the past couple of weeks.  angry often, upset regularly, annoyed like clockwork, and emotionally distraught daily.  my mom was kind enough to point out last night that i am positively worrying myself sick, literally.  worse, i'm a basket case worrying about things that i mostly can't control to begin with.

the last few weeks of this type of thinking i like to think are uncharacteristic because of how drastic i've been.  but really.  i need to be brutally honest with myself for a moment here. so allow me a moment.  i try to be a very optimistic person, i really do. however, past that determination, i struggle with negative thoughts often.  mostly toward myself or my current situation, i stress, demand perfection, worry worry worry, etc.

today, it stops.  today is the beginning of project "you are what you think."

the first thing i'm going to cure is this blasted cold.

i'm going to take it a few steps at a time because oh-how-i-know i have a whole lot to work on.  it's daunting.  a little nerve-wracking.  but it's time to really give it a shot - whole-heartedly.

i talked some about the little beast of a chronic illness i was diagnosed with several years ago, fibromyalgia.  i've contained it with diet, controlled it with lifestyle.  i've liked to think for the past year or so that it's gone because i don't want to give in to what's left of it.  today is the beginning of it's banishment.

this is a big step.  an overwhelming journey to begin.  but no matter what, the only logical way to go is up.

and guess what?
i can do hard things.

i'm up to the task.

wish me luck!
and anyone want to join me in my journey?

my cookie reminder.

okay. so.
cookies.

first off, i feel i ought to give a little explanation about how i came to eat the way i do, or rather, how i came to not eat the things i don't.  actually, the how i came to and why i do now are slightly different stories.  this isn't in full, mind you.  that's for another day. but to give a little background on both... (before we have cookies)

i was fourteen years old.  young, for someone with a severe chronic illness.  the doctor's visits had started years before, a journey jump-stared with headaches and general practitioners and leading to more alternative means of health care as symptoms widened and worsened.  then one night, at the age of fourteen, i snapped.  i sat on the bathroom floor, door locked, crouched on my knees, and sobbed.

this definitely wasn't the first time.  but i remember cyring this night more than any of the others.  i remember because this was my turning point. my tipping grain of rice.  my rock bottom.

after the hysterics passed and i couldn't shake more tears out, i was usually too exhausted to think.  but tonight the tears simply wouldn't. stop. coming.  my spirit and mind rebelled against the prison my body was turning into.  inside myself i screamed, i just can't live like this! i won't live like this!


and that was it. i stopped crying. i realized i wasn't willing to live a lifetime in constant pain. so i wouldn't. i wanted to be able to do all the things other kids my age could do.  so i would.  in a moment, it was all that simple.  it didn't matter what the professionals told me i  would never be able to do while living with in this 'condition.'  i would find a way. in that small moment, i knew there would be a way provided {see 1 nephi 3:7}.

the next day, my mother and i spent hours completely revamping my diet, sleep habits, and exercise (a note on my mother. she's incredible. i would still be sick if she wasn't exactly as she is).  she showed me the book "the healing power of whole foods," by beth loiselle.  a book that helped change my life completely.  starting that day, the 25th of october, 2004, i stopped eating almost all processed foods.  whole foods only.  no sugar (not even honey. not even in tomato sauce).  i discovered that if i ate sugar, it made all my nasty symptoms return with a whoop.  not at first, but over time.  i can honestly say i  was as close to perfect as was teenage-girl possible for a solid year - the most healing year of my life.

i have my own little mental celebration on the 25th of october every year for the day i discovered my will power.  but i'm getting beside the point. it's been up and down from there, obviously.  but mostly up, and continually up.  that's what's important.

so.  cookies.
this summer, i've been eating mostly raw foods - a step even further in the healing direction.  three weeks.  probably the longest i've been without any sugar since that 2004 year.... until this weekend. i splurged.  granted, the cookies i made were vegan, whole-wheat, and sweetened with evaporated cane sugar (still sugar, don't be deceived, but maybe a smidgen better than that white stuff).

they were monster cookies.
peanut-butter, oatmeal, chocolate-chip, m&m monster cookies.

sometimes, you just need a cookie.  it had been an awful weekend. so... i ate them.  my roommate had two. my relief society presidency took five or six... and the rest of them, i ate.  it took me three days (only three days, oh my goodness gracious).

i do this every once in a while.  for some reason, my body feels like it needs to remind itself why i eat the way i do by showing me how i feel when i eat the way i shouldn't.  i remember now. i remember that i don't like headaches (or stomachaches).  i remember that i don't like to feel like i'm going to die when i run.  i remember that i like to be able to sleep and wake up on time.

and i remember now that what i eat makes such a difference.

ps. they really were fabulous cookies (if you don't eat the whole batch).  if you'd like the recipe i used, i'll post it, too!