Summer Break

i need the warmth of a thousand summers on my face today. an aching deep in my body for the freedom of running through the blossoming backyard, chasing birds, picking apricots. sun-dried hair and sun-burnt shoulders. bare feet and freckles on my face. i'm in need of a fly away and see you next season kind of vacation. the kind that takes me to places with warm colors, rich mountains, beautiful trees, and an all-penetrating heat. i want the high-school-summer-job carefree of sure! let's blow $200 on clothes today! and the afterwork thrill of homemade cookies and chess games. i long for the kind of adventure that makes my blood tingle and my head swim. that jump-off-a-50-foot-cliff feeling as the water below gets closer and closer and... i want the lazy days of cats in the carpet sun-patches and time to write in the morning on the sofa with a large glass of lemon water. my feet are restless to pound the red dirt as the sun crests the hilltops. long grass and cold strawberries and grapes, all laying on our backs staring at the wind-blown cloud castles. shorts and flip-flops and swimsuits and lazy popsicle drips. waking to sunshine in the morning, sunshine in the evening at bedtime. sunshine in my toes, my eyelids, my fingertips. my soul yearns for summer break.

an interview

it's storming again in texas.  the last two days it's been all thunder, lightning and humidity, and tonight it's still a steady pitter-patter and pounding.  despite the rain, the moths still flop around trying to find a dry patch of air and the monster-crickets still chirp on.  sadly, the storms can't even control the bugs.

it's been a day.  a long day where at the end i'm grateful i can sit on my couch, eat a peanut butter cookie and watch the downpour from the safety of a second-story apartment and a sliding-glass door.

this morning i interviewed for a job (first, driving with taylor to an appointment so i could take the car).  he helped talk me through some questions - which has become fairly standard before interviews these days.  it helps.  by the time he jumps out of the car and wishes me luck, i feel confident, competent and somewhat calm.  a great run this morning added to feeling all-around pretty great.  as i walked up to the interviewing office, i could see that the interview before me was still in progress.  over the next ten minutes of waiting my turn, my hope for this job diminished slowly.  typically, there will always be someone with ten years more experience, or someone willing to take lower pay and work more hours.  there will usually be others more qualified and less qualified than me.

so as i tried not to overhear the woman before me boast of her ten years of secretarial and management experience, my little hope for being one of the most qualified slipped to ground and rolled away, leaving me with nothing but the firm resolve that i have something to offer - many things to offer and many things i can be very good at.

as my turn came, i walked into the office with a straight back and laid my strengths out for examination.  i left feeling competent, with little hope of being called back.  i can honestly say that i've never been less nervous for an interview.  apparently when i can actually see and hear in front of me that my chances are slim my nerves vanish and leave me with nothing but courage to do what needs to be done and surrender for the things i can't control.  it's a peaceful place to be, even if it's not making us any money.

after the interview we drove to the mall and picked up a few applications for lower-paying and more likely employment.  a girls' clothing store, a maternity clothing store... and back i'll go tomorrow to turn them in for review.


and tonight, i'm sitting on the couch making a grocery list and eating a peanut butter cookie.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  i love texas storms.  and i'm competent.  and i'm good at many things.

progress

lately, i've realized my progress.  i've noticed myself reaching out to God and to friends instead of food.  i've recognized my fears, my anger and anxieties and worked through them instead of stuffing them up and trying to ignore or deny them.  lately, i've been eating good food in good amounts.  i've been exercising and resting, treating my body well.  i've been acknowledging the necessity of pitfalls and set-backs, looking at them as opportunities to learn and experiment more.

i've been trying to live my life with vulnerability and courage, seeing every day as a new start, a new chance.  i've been filling up my calendars and checking off days - creating visual proof of my efforts and successes, proof that i'm not perfect and no longer trying to be.

i want to ride an elephant

sometimes i'm an adventurous person, in my head.  the other day i saw a picture on facebook of someone i used to know who is in thailand.  she was riding an elephant down a river, and i thought someday....i really really want to ride on an elephant.

the truth is there are a lot of adventures i want to have someday.

when i was younger, a family friend took hailey and me to the circus.  there was a big ring where they were giving rides on two very sad looking elephants.  and i wanted to ride so much.  basically i've wanted to ride an elephant as long as i can remember and although this opportunity was quite a bit less than the idea of riding an elephant down a stream while wearing exotic clothes and balancing a basket on my head, this was my opportunity!  we went to stand in line.  i remember how ecstatic i was - i could barely contain myself!  then i said something about my excitement and with a look that said really? grow up.. the woman who was our chaperone told me that i was much too old to ride the elephants.  we were only in line for my little sister.

and so my search for an elephant continues.


there are a lot of other adventures i want, too.  someday i want to go on a backpacking trip - a legitimate one.  i want to rock climb (outside... not just indoors).  i also reeeaaaalllllly want to go on a river rafting trip down the grand canyon.  and run a marathon.  and maybe do a triathlon someday.  and absolutely learn to snowboard.

and i want to see the great pyramid and what's left of the sphinx.  i want to walk the great wall of china.  and see the kangaroos, koala bears, and platypuses in australia.  while i'm at it, i'd love to go to hobbiton in new zealand and learn to surf and scuba dive.

i want to do a lot of things.  be a lot of things.

and someday i really am going to ride an elephant.  and if my kids ever want to, i'll tell them they are never too old to ride the elephants.

i've changed.

lately, i'm the kind of person who wakes up on time.  i'm the kind of person who showers every morning, and most afternoons after hitting the gym after work.  i'm the kind of woman who makes two loaves of homemade bread every other week and reads her scriptures every day.  i'm the person who still speeds five-over even though everyone else in texas is driving five-under.  the last few months, i've been the kind of person who thinks i'm sleep deprived when i get six hours of sleep for three days in a row {and then i have to remind myself what i did all through college...}.

i'm the girl who makes her husband dinner most nights, but still complains that i'm too tired some days, too.
i'm the person who has enough self control to go a whole three days without sugar.  and the girl who lets herself have a treat every few days.

i'm the wife that makes my husband stop the car in the middle of the road late at night so that i can roll down my window and whisper here, kitty kitty to the little stray across the sidewalk.

i'm the girl that puts on makeup five out of seven days and washes my face every single night.

i'm the roommate who hasn't put away her clothes for the past two weeks and makes a new commitment every day to respect the mutual spaces.

i'm the coworker who no longer forgets her tips {and thus no longer gives her tips to the girls working she does}.

i'm the artist who has picked up a sketchbook once in the last three years {practically}, but keeps it on the table in case an open hour inserts itself into my day.

i'm the girl who's in dire need of a haircut, a good sun-nap, and could use a good beach-body work out.

i'm the girl who prays a lot lately, makes other people their coffee, tries not to resent her boss, and remembers to say i love you often.

the one who sleeps in when she gets the chance.
reads in binges.
longs for a dog and eats bananas obsessively.

i'm the girl who looks back at her facebook pictures and wonders how in the world she's changed that much in just about every way imaginable in such a short time.  and yet, i'm still the girl who gets frustrated every few days that nothing seems to be changing.

but tonight i realize that when i feel that frustration, i can just let it go.
like i would in yoga.
because although change is imperceptible in the moment, looking back on days and weeks and months and years, nothing ever stays the same for very long.

reaching for my pencils.

i'm realizing it more and more lately: art is in my blood.

since finishing school, i feel i've been searching for something.  something more than just a thing to fill my time with.  i have plenty of those.  something different than a look how much i accomplished thing.  i was searching for an outlet of sorts.  there were things inside me that needed to be let out, needed to run rampant and have their say, needed to be expressed, demanded attention.  and i needed a thing with which to give them voice.

i've seen this happen to my sisters.  several years after lori was married, her cooking and baking became more than just food on the table, more than just giving her family the respect of a beautiful meal.  it became creation, expression and love.  several years after mindy was married, she started running - really running.  working out became her outlet, her go-to.

i love to make food, i really do.  but when it comes down to it, i'll admit my relationship with food is still at quite a love-hate stage.  pouring myself into creating food isn't satisfying my hunger to express lately.  and while working out it one of the few things i can absolutely whole-heartedly count on to put me in a good mood and stabilize me for the remainder of the day, i don't have a magnificent drive for it.

and then there's my art.  my art that i vowed i wouldn't give up if i decided not to make it my career and then promptly put it away for more than two solid years.  my art that draws so much out of me, has the capacity to take what's inside and make it physical.  my art that feels so rusty, feels so far away.  but it's been coming back of late.  after three full-body sketches i finally hit my groove.  true, i'm not near where i used to be as far as creative skill.  i can't put the things in my head on paper the same way i could several years ago.

but i think i'm moving with a different motive now.  i'm not trying to capture perfect replicas anymore and really i'm not trying to get back to where i used to be with art because i'm no longer that same person.  i don't really expect to produce anything of similar scale or quality because i anticipate my art will be taking an entirely new direction.  i'm a new person, it's a new medium to me in this phase of life.


i haven't been artsing continuously lately.  but i plan to try.  i plan to be more comfortable expressing with that medium.  that's the goal of late.



and then there's something swimming around in the back of my head about eating less sugar for the sake of the pain in my neck and inflammation and chard and kale and folic acid and omega threes and how food is something i don't want to have too much of a fascination with at the moment because i know the tweaking i'm going to do is going to make me slightly uncomfortable.  although i do love kale.

i also love a darn good frozen yogurt with candy bar pieces on it.
but really, i'm about at the point that i'd do anything to get the pain in my head and jaw to stop.  so... omega threes and folic acid, here i come.

farewell, espresso-less frappe.

and the job hunting resumes...

i've spent the last three days obsessing about finding a new job.  i've become a craig's list job stalker once again - checking the new job postings every several hours {okay, sometimes more...}.

i've become determined to find something better than where i'm at.  considering i haven't made this little per hour since i was seventeen, the hours are something horrendous to my body, and the work is much too physically demanding for me.  if i were in high school, i'd keep this job.  and call it great, too.

but i'm not.

and i'd just really like to have a job that's less demanding on my body.  i'd really like to never put another yogurt machine back together again.  and really, i don't think i'd mind sitting at a desk.

so here's a little prayer to the universe:

please send me some leads.  please.  if i have to work at this job another month, i know i could... going day by day, but the thought makes me ill.  and if i have to i think i might quit on the spot, which never looks good.  so please.  just a few leads into something that's more manageable.

and might pay the bills a little better.

please?

angry old man.

some of the most brilliant ideas come to me while i'm cutting fruit.  at work this morning, i sliced up a pineapple, mango, kiwis and strawberries.  during the first fruit, a man came by to complain {for the sixtieth time} that we did not offer free coffee refills and to threaten that if we didn't offer free refills soon we would no longer have the pleasure of his business.  i kindly told him the decision had been made for a 10% off discount on refills and there would be no further adjustments.  {although what i really wanted to say was that we could survive very well without his business, thank you very much, and would he please take his ancient suit out of the store and go pout on someone else's tables.}  after he left, i seethed into that stupid mango.  i hated customers.  i wanted him to take his unwelcome opinion and put it in his coffin, then jump in himself.

and then i noticed what i was actually feeling.  invalidated.  completely invalidated.  like what i said had no weight and could not sway or sooth this man at all.  to put salt on the wound, i had told this same man last week that we were rethinking our refill policies {which we were}.  however, my manager decided against grossly discounting customers' second cup after i'd talked to the man.  then the man talked to my manager and told him that i said that he could have a free refill.  {again, invalidation.}

by this point in my train of thought, i'd moved on to the second fruit.  and while cutting the second fruit, i realized that if i was feeling invalidated, there was something i could do about it.  my emotional state, confidence, security and safety did not depend on that brat of a man.

so i started slicing strawberries faster.  and with each stroke, i told myself

i am divine.

i am a daughter of God.  and that means i'm royalty.  and that means i matter - a lot.

i can be happy no matter where i am or what i'm doing.

my emotions are a decision and i can choose not to be frustrated and let that man ruin my day.

i am beautiful.

i am worth it.

i am working for my family and providing a way for us to live our dreams.  and that's important.

by the fourth fruit, i was mostly happy.  and an hour later, i was smiling.

small victories are sometimes the best part of the day.

also, next time that man complains to me i'm going to tell him to take his homemade coffee and sit inside the starbucks next door if he's not going to buy anything.  when i get old, i want to be nothing like him.

awake, my soul.

today, i've been pondering on the things that set my soul free.  i mean, really make me come unmistakably alive.

i remember posts from the last several years full of love for running and immediately want to reclaim that rush.  i haven't been running much lately, although i've been to the gym consecutively the last couple days.  lately, i love to walk.  long walks with my husband around the perimeter of campus after his classes have finished.  brisk morning walks up hills.  i hope to start running again soon, but only if i can reclaim that love.  if not, i might be in search of something to replace that aliveness that running used to give me as i flew up and down hills, feeling free.

lately, i've been thinking about art.  specifically, i've been thinking about the years when i spent five to six hours a day in the art studio of my university trying to get the color just right or the shading with just a little more contrast.  i've been missing that, lately, remembering just how alive i felt when i'd paint and draw.  i'd love to get back into it - break out my art again.  but if it doesn't awaken that same passion, maybe i'll test my hand at sculpture.  after all, i've always wanted to sculpt.

i can recall a time when every batch of cupcakes made me jump for joy.  opening the oven to wonderfully rounded cake tops made my heart flutter.  and now, a batch of cupcakes just doesn't thrill me the way it used to.  true, part of that might be my screwed-up oven.  but if it's not, i'm sure having a dandy time making my green smoothies taste like heaven and learning to cook meat.  that's an adventure that makes my heart pound for certain.  

last week, as i waited for my husband inside the bible building on campus, a crowd of teenagers came and sat in the seats around me.  they were full of life - talking, laughing, praying out loud.  they lived outward.  there was true enjoyment in their rambunctiousness.  and it was obvious they felt alive.  i was taken back years and years, to the times i've felt most alive.  i remember myself as a teenager: so many things i'm glad to have gotten over, to have gotten rid of.  and then i felt a sort of missness.  i miss that energy, that life.  the feeling that my soul {every unfelt speck of it} is absolutely alive.

the point is i've stopped doing so many things that used to bring such enjoyment into my life.  like drawing, baking cupcakes, running three miles straight up a hill to show myself how freaking strong i was.  true, those things might not bring the same enjoyment and passion into my life now.  maybe those loves have faded.  but if they have, it's time to find more.  because if working {nearly} full-time has taught me anything in the last several weeks, it's that i need things in my life that remind me that life is to be enjoyed.  to be loved.

it might take some experimenting to find the things that do it for me just right now - in this different body, at this different stage.  but i'm on a mission to find them, and darn it, i'm going to hold that feeling of life close to me until it comes back full force.

because i believe it: life is meant to be lived.  meant to be felt.  and meant to be loved.

living the artful life

this week, i want to live a little more with this in mind.  be a little more punky brewster with my wardrobe.  drink a little more herbal tea and recognize that the drinking of it is beautiful in and of itself.

i love art.  and to recognize that i am {indeed} art, that would be a beautiful thing.  this week, i'll notice the artful things.  i'll notice that the way i tuck my hair behind my ear is uniquely mine.  i'll recognize that the mukluks i wear are actually a piece of art {of which i ought to take a photograph so my children will believe that i did used to wear something that cool}.  i'll give myself permission to call the color and shape of my eyes artful.  i'll allow myself to agree that my goals are a staple in the piece of art that i am.




i learned several things today.
one.  my husband is a pessimistic post-positivist.
two. waking up at 4:30 am. for two days and going to bed at 12:30 am. a day later is going to get to me eventually.  let's hope i can find a way to be consistent even with switching off between closing and opening.
and three. although i get anxious during situations in which i stand up for an opinion that isn't mutually supported, i can.  and it isn't the end of the world.

happy sunday :)

on being real

after a several month break from writing, i came back to it for several reasons.  first, i wanted to write in this format again because i love it - it wakes me up, helps me feel alive and search for the good in life.  i decided to write again because it's therapeutic for me.  because in times when i'm not feeling like it, the act of writing stretches me to find ten things i love or just to put to words to what's going on in my mind.  there are lots of reasons, really.

one reason i decided to write again was to push myself to write honestly about negative emotion.  when i unintentionally stopped writing last summer, it was because there was a large void of positive emotion in my life.  i was dueling with depression again and couldn't bring myself to write openly about what was going on inside of me.  so i posted sporadically.  when i experienced something that brought me joy, i wrote about it.  when i saw a pocket of sunlight in the rainy city, i captured it with my words.  but i couldn't put words to the rain.  i denied my struggles even to myself.

today, i'm discovering the difficulty of what i've set out to do.  i've started a post about my fears four times, backspacing the first paragraph over and over.  

all i want to say today is that i'm fighting my fear.

today i'm afraid of being inadequate, being not good enough in so many ways.

today i'm afraid of giving up certain struggles because they give me protection, provide the excuses i need to justify certain behaviors.

today i'm afraid of failure, afraid of to try and not succeed.

today i'm afraid of giving up control over everything and everyone around me, even though i know i don't have it anyway.

today i'm afraid of being weak, being controlled and not having the self respect to stand up for my truths.

and there it is - no fancy metaphor.  today, i'm feeling a lot of fear.

on a more upbeat note, the onion rings turned out great last night.  aaaand although i slept in a lot longer than i planned, i slept wonderfully and feel rested today.  which is big, after working a ten hour day yesterday.

today, i've already spoken my truth to my boss and told him i wasn't going to fill in last minute at work tonight {with no excuse - i didn't tell him i didn't feel well and i didn't tell him i was too busy}.  no excuses, just a plain truth.  that's big for me.

now, after retaining my night off, i plan to enjoy the rest of the day.

give my fear to God,

let Him take control

and just see what happens when i muster the faith to try.

happy weekend! :)