late-night tea and more missness

i drank a large amount of tea tonight from my theo chocolate mug.  it was divine.

sometimes all life needs is a big mug of tea.  or a good cry.

today was an unusually productive day in all.  quite a few long-time to-do list items were crossed off: chip in the windshield fixed, shower fixed, oven heating element replaced (no more sparks!), and a plethora of phone calls checked off.  also three (more) jobs applied to, another chapter of my book devoured, a successful eggplant adventure....  it's been a busy day, in all.

mostly it felt good to get up and get some things done.  and, as usual, it helped to start with a hard long workout and a good breakfast.

other than those things, though, today - and lately, really - i've just been missing.  missing coming home to a cat that purrs and sits on my feet.  missing the twenty-minute walk to campus in beautiful provo - beautiful provo no matter the season.  i've been missing that peace, the way the mindless beautiful calm walk opened up my mind to new ideas and the way it sometimes chased all thoughts away until i was left with only feeling the breeze and the sun on my skin, hearing the birds.

i've been missing the drive home from provo, back to ivins.  missing those mountains, the longs stretches of uninterrupted music of my choice, the eager phone calls along the way and the warmth waiting to sink into me as i walked into my ivins home.  i miss coming inside to find my family waiting for me, expecting me, hugging me and showing me all the things i'd missed in my forever month-long absence.

i miss living with my sisters.  sneaking away when homework was obnoxious to find some good food and great conversation.  i miss driving around with them in my car, the music up loud, the city dark, and having adventures on a whim.  i miss the exuberance in provo - the life that 40,000 young adults give to the air.  i miss the afterglow on the mountains and the way we would all scream at the ice.

i miss popcorn and the office with hailey.
i miss stopping by mindy's work to say hello at lunch breaks.
i miss late-night movies and desserts at lori and james' house.
i miss talks with dad, movies with dad, his teasing and always available wisdom.
i miss carrie and lori dropping by for a quick errand and staying for lunch and games.

i miss grocery shopping with mom, walking on the trail every morning with mom, and talking late into the night with her.

i miss larry's jokes and james' thoughtfulness.  i miss josh's motivation and acceptance.

i miss the red mountains and blue sky.  i miss hiking and hills.  i miss buying maple syrup and berries, coconut bliss and chocolate bars when i wanted a treat.  i miss frozen yogurt with natalie and hailey and mom and dad.  i miss picking apricots in the backyard, watering the garden and chasing the cats.  i miss chiropractors and massage therapists.  i miss art classes at dixie and working for a summer with one of my best friends.  i miss working toward a massive goal (my degree) and putting my everything into it.

i just miss... all the things i loved from all the places i've ever been and all the people who have been in my life.

the list of things to love here is growing, i suppose.  i really do love the storms and the birds.  i love having a gym membership and the new sphere that's added to one area of my life.  but while i have with me someone i love the most, there is a vast shortage of anyone-elses.  and something i'm learning more and more about myself is that i'm a lot more naturally social than i ever thought i was.  i like to be around people.

so, all you people who have ever been in my life and aren't physically that way right now, i miss you.  i can't wait to see you again, and i love you.

and i think tomorrow morning, i might just have another large mug of tea.

the day off.

within the last several weeks, one phenomenon keeps repeating itself: on the days i work {despite the fact that both taylor and i are gone all day} the house turns itself into a tornado disaster area {not supposed to be funny.  while living in abilene, there is nothing funny about tornadoes}.  our schedule on those days absolutely does not allow us time to do damage control.  so... if i work for a several consecutive days, the house throws a bigger and bigger tantrum until in some areas the floor isn't really visible.

i take full responsibility for my portion of this wreck.  ....and that means a vast majority of it.

so, my day off turns into the damage control day.

i've worked four full shifts this week consecutively.  and last week, the damage control just didn't happen.  thus, my day off today consisted of cleaning our room and part of the kitchen.  both rooms are now at least livable.  as to the rest of the house... let's hope i don't work on monday. ;)

today's good things:

*waking up to my husband making me a green smoothie with spinach, kale and collards and an ezekiel english muffin with lori's incredible cookie dough almond butter.  i was almost jealous of myself, then i realized i didn't have to be.

*skyping with da mama.  man, it feels good to see someone face to face {well...as close as it gets, you know} and have good conversation!

*reading my graduation cards from my sisters and families.  yeah, i cried again.  i ought to put them away so i don't become entirely unstable.

*getting out of bed at 9:30 am.

*finally cleaning out my email inbox.  from 22 unread emails down to 2.  oh yeah, baby.  oh yeah.

*not getting one single text from my boss.  hallelujah i've maxed out my hours this week without him paying me more and giving me benefits.  now he can't ask me to anything else.

*looking at my bright blue nails all day.  there's just something about painted nails that has me feeling pretty and put together.

*wearing real clothes - yeah, that work uniform got old real quick.

aaaaand i'm off to make brownies.  oh yeah, brownies from dreena burton's new cookbook let them eat vegan.  thanks again, lori, for making my food life a thousand times better today, and to mom for sending me the recipe.  it's a good life when there are brownies involved.  it's a better life when the first person to make them was dreena burton.

family and cheese.

i'm blessed, and also a little crazy.

tonight i went to dinner with my mom and natalie, and really talked.  we talked about my upcoming wedding {the food, the decoration...}, we talked about ethnocentrism and the beauty of different cultures, and about the movie anonymous {which i want to see SO badly}.

and now, here i am sitting in my underwear because i ate so much at dinner.  i get upset sometimes because i have more than one day at a time in which i exercise and eat really well {and start feeling really great}, and then i go and blow it with one massive meal with more cheese than one cow could produce in a lifetime.  not that we get cheese ...directly from cows.  i know where cheese comes from.  but you know what i mean.  a lot of cheese.

so.  while my shirt is uncomfortable over my protruding stomach for the next couple of days, i just need to remember that i am blessed.  with good family and good company.  and next time we want to go out for a treat, i'll suggest somewhere without so much cheese.

pancake saturdays reestablished.

saturday morning pancake roommate breakfasts - one of the best traditions ever established in my life outside of the my family.  today, the pancake tradition was brought back to life!  like i've already said, i'm so happy to be living with these girls again.  the difference between living with people who want to love each other and living with people who are decidedly indifferent is like the difference between living in australia and sibera.  and that analogy might only work for those of us who find the outback appealing... anyway, i feel like i spent quite a bit of time in siberia this summer, and it's good to be back in the sun.

to celebrate being all back in provo, the four of us planned a little weekend extravaganza. guru's for dinner {one of the best veggie burritos in provo}, pirates of the carribbean at the {two} dollar theater, and a few epic games of speed scrabble {with several new variations to bump up the competition}.  oh! and i can't forget the banana smoothies topped with fudge at one a.m. .... and the disney princess youtube videos.  yeah.

this morning topped off our little celebration when we brought back our weekend pancake tradition.  every weekend, we rotate making pancakes for each other.  this week was my week.  raspberry cornmeal pancakes with chocolate chips and celestial cream - yum? yeah.


lately, more than anything, i'm grateful for these people:

• erika {the newest addition - bio coming soon}, who is just as big a foodie as me.  we spent a solid two hours last night passionately drooling over each other's favorite food stories.  fresh patries in spain, seattle's best greek food, conveyer belt sushi bars, molly moon's worth-a-million-dollar ice cream, and beecher's cheese factory... we are two women who have a very mutual passion for beautiful food.
• genni, who gives the most amazing back rubs.  i love her peacefulness and her nightgowns.
• ariana, the provider of our speed scabble/bananagrams obsession.  beautiful, sensible and grounding.  i think our apartment would be more emotionally out of control without her logical mind.
• taylor, who is my sanity.  i'm also extremely grateful for the ability to text, to talk on the phone without internet static interruptions, and a much more workable time-zone connection.  he motivates me to learn and helps me remember i love the social sciences during my last semseter.  he helps me regain composure when i'm freaking out, and puts perspective on my decision-making process by reminding me i don't have to know everything right now.
• natalie.  who provides yet another layer of emotional comfort and support this semester.  living with people i love is only exemplified by the fact that we can't stay away from each other because we have so much darn fun together!  homework parties, excursions to the chocolate and the mall... yes, yes i love to live by natalie again.
• hailey, who texts me at night and always reminds me i'm loved from home, too.
• my parents - who take me out to breakfast and still usually answer their phones even though i call them multiple times a day - sometimes.

basically, i'm feeling loved right now.  it's been so long since i've been surrounded by people who care about me, and it just feels so darn good!

just as good as raspberry cornmeal pancakes.

2 nephi 22:2

behold, God is my salvation; i will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he has also become my salvation.

a month in review.

august flew by, filled with wonderfulness.  sometimes, i don't write because life comes at me too fast to process, live, and write about it at the same time.  sometimes i don't write because i'm in the depths of despair. but in august, i didn't write because life got so good it simply demanded my full attention!

the month started with the end of the flourishing families project.  it was a whirl, and looking back, it's all slightly blurred.  one thing i can say is i was glad to see it go.  it was an incredibly defining life experience for me.  and {as usual} those are the ones we're happiest to have done be finished with.  i'll miss seattle, and i'll always remember the experience.  i'll value what i learned this summer.  and i was glad to have the experience end.

only a few days after the end of my internship, taylor {formerly known as the musician - he has a good name, so i might as well use it!} came back from adventuring in japan to visit me in seattle!  it was a long-awaited reunion, and worth every bit of over three months of waiting.  after showing him some of my favorite spots in the emerald city, we drove to central oregon to spend a week with his family.  hiking, making fabulous food, pictures and stories and souvenirs from japan, movies at night and games during the day made an amazing week.

after an eighteen hour day of driving, we arrived in ivins - home sweet home.  most of the week in ivins was made up of packing and sorting... over the years i've acquired too much stuff, and it was time to condense what i was keeping at my parent's house.  besides sitting in a room full of boxes, taylor and i went to a play at tuacahn.  they did a great job of making the little mermaid enjoyable to all ages - and up-to date with a new feminist ending.  not sure how i felt about it.  we also made more than one trip to kneaders, ate at the adobe ice box, and i had my first taste of nelson's frozen custard.  it's crazy that i've never been there before!  after my first taste, i'm sure i'll be back for more.  also, going through all those boxes would have gotten pretty tedious {and probably have taken much less time} if we hadn't had a good supply of movies!  we watched mega mind, a knight's tale, tangled, and you again? {which was hilarious and so so strange}.

really, a week home is never enough time to spend with my family, but byu is like a magnet sometimes.  i just couldn't stay away from my beloved university.  thick on the sarcasm there.  really, though.  coming back to provo had its good and bad.  i was thrilled to see genni and ari and to meet the new addition to our fdl apartment: erika from seattle {go figure}.  i was not, however, very happy to take taylor to the airport.  the {almost} three weeks we spent together was happier than i even imagined it would be, and saying goodbye is never easy for me.  after i stopped crying, i came home, accepted a cream-filled doughnut from genni, and started to unpack - like crazy.

that was a week ago, and i'm almost finished!  the first week of school has me realizing i'm going to be digging for motivation this semester.

and also making cupcakes, looking under rocks for work, and reviving some old hobbies.

august was almost unbeatable, but in the words of dr. gibson "now you can take time to recover and enjoy it all!"  and i plan to.  happy september!

i strugs. and i love my dad.

strugs: n./adj.; an alternative form of the word struggling, invented by victoria and used frequently this summer to describe the general state of... well, me.

sympathy? scorn, maybe? actually victoria is quite a factual person.  i'm almost positive her use of the word is simply a fact, devoid of emotional attachment.  this is pretty apparent from the way she uses the word.  something like, "this is jessica. she strugs."

which reminds me of a time several years ago when (upon entering the kitchen), natalie {endearing older sister as always} introduced me to a very large group of friends like this: "this is my sister jessica. she's diseased!"

i won't go as far as to say i was traumatized, although the fact that the moment is burned into my memory speaks for itself.  at that point, i'd come to accept the fact that i was {as she so politely put it} diseased.

the point is, the last few weeks, i strugs.  although, i'm not sure i'm exactly using the word correctly.

at first, living in seattle didn't seem to phase me much more than making me forget to breath several times a day {stress or beauty... or both}.  i remember distinctly telling my mother that i expected to have at least a small emotional breakdown after being here for a week or so.  after all, it's kind of the way my body deals with change sometimes.  a good cry can be a good thing.  but for some reason, i couldn't really relax enough to cry, and everything just kept building up and up and up.

and then, i cried.  and since then, i haven't really been able to stop.  not to say i'm crying all the time.  but moreso than any self-respecting individual wants to cry.

i came to seattle with this team with the awareness that i might have difficulty with several things.

first, i'm on a team of perpetual over-achievers who have their lives planned by day for the next five years.  yes, i've been accused of being an over-achiever, but now that i've been placed in a league of them, i've realized the title is not mine, nor do i want it to be.  i'm a peaceful person, who likes simplicity, quiet nights at home, and a low-stress environment.  i don't think i want a graduate degree, and after i graduate i don't really know what the next step in life will be.  i'd rather be a full-time mom with a part time yoga-teaching job than a 40-hour-a-week career woman, if that's in the up-stairs plans for me.  for the girls on this team, that mindset seems unusual.  most of them know where they want to go to grad school (although i'm closer to graduation than most of them and i'm still unsure if i'm going to grad school or not).  most of them are actively moving toward a full-time career.  true, most of them also want to be mothers, but in the words of one of the female professors we met with, "why not have both??"

is it really that odd to just... not want both?  to be honest, the idea of having a full-time career while trying to be a good wife and even thinking about children just kind of makes me sick.  i take my hat off to the women that can do it all, while very simply saying, i'm just not one of them.

and then there's the endless debate of what actually is driving that personal desire.  am i just lazy to only want one instead of trying to have both at once?  would i rather not compete for full-time careers because i think i wouldn't have what it takes in that area?  would i be selling myself short or stifling the academic talent i've been given if i stop at a bachelor's degree, and in the future decline full-time work to raise children?

truthfully, i have never felt so tormented by the bind of that decision.  i understand this is far, far in my future.  however, i also understand that my present path will determine my future, and after seeing the dollar amount of my undergraduate education, i won't be choosing an academic path that doesn't lead to at least some financial compensation, if i chose an academic future at all.

really, i believe in marriage and in motherhood.  and i believe in those things as a highest life priority - way, way above a career for me.

society expects women to have successful careers, be wonderful wives and mothers, to do both at the same time and to want to do both just as much.  but... isn't it okay just to pick one?

mostly, it's wonderful to be surrounded by other young women who are high achievers because it pushes me see how far i can stretch - and teaches me my limits, too.  it's impressive to see girls who are driven enough to insist that life give them both {family and career} at the same time.  but it's also difficult to have different expectations, to want different things, and to value much different things in life, too.

and that's why i strugs this summer.  because it's hard to feel different.


by the way, as a way to end this discussion about society's expectation for women, i'd like to say...

happy father's day!!!

especially to my dad.

he is the best father that anyone could ever have.  i look up to him more than anyone else.  thank you, dad, for always being there to listen, to give me advice, steer me back on track, and make sure i'm doing okay.  i value your support and love so very much.  and i love you with all my heart!

have a happy father's day!

to my nanny

day fifteen.

task: write to encourage a friend and inspire her beauty.

my darling natalie fish,

     have i ever told you you're one of the most beautiful women i know?  you passions in life inspire me, your accomplishments motivate me, and your spirit of adventure gives me strength to do the scary things in life.  the beauty of your faith has strengthened me and fed mine so many times.  as i've seen your determination toward life and happiness and your continual work work work to achieve it, i've realized even more how great your example is.  your insistence upon happiness is contagious.  and that, itself, is beautiful.

     living without you here is lonely, sometimes.  i was so used to your constant bubbly exuberance for life.  your energy and happiness kept me going so many times, kept me seeing the good and the possibilities.  you live with a vibrancy that gives life {full, beautiful life} to everyone around you.

     thank you for playing the love game with me when i needed it.  thank you for letting me cry when i wanted to and telling me to toughen up when i was ridiculous.  i still play those games in my head - and i hope you do, too! the last year and a half of living so easily together has become a part of me.  thank you for giving me that!

    i love you a bazillion.

love,

{your} fishy.

p.s. it's been much too long since i've been properly dipped and bitten.

the un-outfit post #2

day fourteen.

task: ...outfit post. {a.k.a my excuse to blog about something else}

i never had a valentine's post!  i'm so sad i forgot!  so i'm going to do a valentine's recap + a few other random tidbits...  basically, this is {once again} creative liberty to celebrate my womanhood in ways other than take pictures of my clothes. which, as i've said, i'll get to.  maybe once. :)

valentine's day is my favorite.  okay, maybe not quite favorite, but when it comes to random holidays it gets up there on my charts.  i love love!  and i love to celebrate love.  a couple days before the fourteenth, my parents came through provo on their way to slc.  after breakfast, they surprised me with valentine's gifts!  admittedly, my favorite thing about the holiday is that my wonderful father gives me flowers and my incredible mother makes heart-shaped scones for breakfast!  this year, because i wasn't home i didn't get to enjoy scones by mom, but i did attempt them myself!

the flowers from my dad are still brightening my everyday!  because i wasn't going to be there for scones this year, my mom gave me a chocolate bar - dark orange. . .YUM.  it was definitely a treat.  i've been being super careful with sugar lately so my running will be tip-top shape for the race in a week.  the chocolate was much-needed and much-enjoyed!

speaking of this race, i signed up tonight!  the dogtown 9k and half marathon is going to eat my dust in a week, let me tell you.  actually, i'm a little nervous. . . :-}  this is my first race, and i've worked so hard to get to it, but i'm already feeling the nerves.  hopefully, this is one of those cases where i'm nervous for a week beforehand and then completely calm on the day of the event.

i planned out my training schedule at the beginning of the month and have stuck pretty close to it!  this week i've fallen off the grid a little bit.  i haven't had a car, and i'm a chicken when it comes to running in the cold.  but!  i've been adding in a few other things {besides running}.  annalisa, my roommate from last summer, was just certified as a personal trainer.  she and i went to the gym last night and she showed me a thing or two about weight-lifting.  i'm really new to anything other than running and yoga, so it was exciting!  as to be expected, i've been a little sore all day long, but it feels tremendous to have muscles sore other than the ones i run with.  tomorrow i'm hoping to tackle somewhere between five and six miles.... wish me luck!

so back to valentine's day.  genni and i decided that it was high time for a proper number 103 girls' night, and that valentine's day was just the right time to do it!  we went all out.  pulling our mattresses into the living room, we smooshed them together for a sleep-over.  

we both enjoyed the pile of blankets.  i think we used most of them in the apartment. . . which is quite a few!  and they came in handy during the movie.  i know, i know, valentine's day is the day to watch sappy chick-flicks!  but we just weren't in the mood for anything but my beloved lord of the rings.  i know.  i'm a nerd.  but it really is so darn good.

it may be quiet everyone once in a while with just two of us in the apartment, but when it comes to holidays, genni and i know how to celebrate.  it's been so fun with the two of us the last month!

of course, all sleep-overs have a few necessary ingredients.  we made pizza together, had hot chocolate, edamame, and {of course} chowed down on the valentine's scones i made earlier that morning.  it was a splurge day, that's for sure.  but you have to have a little treat every once in a while, and there's no better time than a holiday!
ps. the pizza and hot chocolate were to die for that night!

me and my food - usually the happiest part of my day.  well, besides running! :)

merry christmas, happy new year, and hit january's ground running

happy new year!!!

okay, i know i'm a little late.  i could say merry christmas as well because i missed that one first.  i took a little extended vacation during the holidays.  a break from. . .well, everything.  everything, that is, except a lot of wonderful and needed relaxation!

i want to jump right into the new year, new semester, new goals, and all that stuff.  but first, here's a brief review of the holidays from my perspective:

- hours of tamale-making while watching beezus and ramona three times (love it!)

- started sense and sensibility and still can't put it down.  darn that willoughby - he gets me every time in the movie, too!

- was renamed nanny by my almost-two-year-old nephew.  i'm still not sure how i feel about this.  however, i'm comforted by the fact that he actually said my name first, and that his calling everyone nanny originated by him missing the collective: "nanny and jessi."

- was second place in ticket to ride!  an accomplishment in my family, i assure you

- played carcasone into the hours of the night with hailey and natalie

- ate waaaaaay too much sugar (no worries, i'm repentant now)

- sang in the family christmas eve program

- made avocado tomitillo salsa for that evening's dinner

- saw the movie tangled twice.  man, if the holiday media has a highlight for me, it's this one.  i laaooooove it. i want to watch it again and again!  i'm listening to the soundtrack daily, and still cracking up at the funny parts.  new ideal man: eugene fitzherbert.  i've gotta find me one of those, someday.  more on this obsession to follow, that's really what it is!

- and caught a cold.  a cold that is ALMOST GONE! i'm elated. but knocking on wood and praying at intervals.

overall, i had quite the needed dose of family love this holiday season.  it was fabulous. fantastic. restful. and i didn't want to leave.

but life goes on!

and really, i love january.  a lot, actually.  new beginnings are addicting for me - i think it gives me some sort of strange adrenaline rush. . . 

you already know my obsession with little goals, and in january i get to make big ones!

so.  new year.  new me.  some changes to come, so be watching!

happy january!

and... a few photos from over the break:

 hailey's christmas toes

my wonderful nephew ashton and me - playing chess with him is always a highlight of home!

my family's wonderful christmas tree.  best. tree. ever.

roommate christmas party! {and a birthday}

last night my roommates and i gathered in the front room of our apartment to have a little gift-giving christmas party.  genni and beth were leaving provo today, so yesterday was the closest we could get to the real thing.

we are tree-less in provo this winter, so my pineapple lamp did double duty {and didn't mind one bit}.

being poor college students, we drew names between the four of us.  it was a silly coincidence that our gift-giving ended up in age order.  natalie gave to beth, beth to me, me to genni, and genni to natalie!

natalie gave beth a spanish novel she's been wanting this semester, a beautiful necklace {which was worn immediately}, and a notepad from knockknock, one of my personal favorite places to give and get from.

genni gave natalie a bright yellow teapot to replace the one that rusted very early this winter.  this picture describes her reaction almost perfectly - she was tickled!

from beth to me: two pairs of fabulous tights, the a&e pride and prejudice, and little owl earrings.  it was perfectly splendid!

i was too busy watching genni open my gift that i forgot all about my camera!  i gave her two of my favorite novels in the whole wide world {little women and the princess bride} and a beautiful heart-rose necklace.

of course, we had to have a little treat with the gifts!  my mom had given me a few things to make some end-of-the-semester treats for our apartment.  the cheeseball was definitely a hit!

later that night, brant {natalie's boyfriend} came over after work for an early birthday celebration. since none of us would be around on his birthday we decided it was necessary to have a provo-birthday party.  after we started eating, two of his roommates came to join our dinner celebration.  

i discovered something last night while we were madly preparing dinner and making sure everything looked beautiful: i really love to throw dinner-parties.  i love the cooking rush before, the beautiful table {we were excited that no two plates, bowls, or glasses on the table matched}, the communal eating late at night, and the lounging around the dinner table after it's all over with.  truthfully, i don't mind the morning clean-up much either, granted i have loud energetic music and pajamas!

oh, and i almost forgot!  the four of us {beth, genni, natalie, and i} went to the mall in search of bride's maids dresses for beth's wedding.  sadly, the ones we found are out of stock.  so the search continues!  but we did get some pretty snazzy pictures of the three of us. . .

i must say, the shiny dress took us each about fifteen minutes to put on.  it was such pain!  but worth it for the ridiculous pictures, at least!

weekend excursions

have i said how excited i am to be all the way finished with this semester yet? tomorrow. tomorrow is the day that it's all over with.

as a little break from all this finals studying, my sisters mindy and hailey came up to visit on friday night.  they just left this morning - it was a fabulous weekend.  christmas concert with the utah symphony, shopping with the sisters for christmas presents and clothes, lunch at one of the coolest healthy-urban-hippie-ish restaurants in salt lake (the oasis), and dinner at an all-time favorite: the bombay house.  who doesn't love indian food, right?

having my sisters up for a little escape to salt lake city was one of the best thing that could have happened this weekend! it gave me just the break to work up a little more stamina for my last two finals.  one in the testing center tomorrow that will determine whether i scrape by or come off with my all-time lowest class grade yet, and another that will only make me feel warm and fuzzy.

no matter the outcome, tomorrow night i'll be celebrating!  making myself and my sister wonderful balanced meals, running every day, and reading all the books i've been dying to read all semester long.  not to mention sewing, painting furniture, possibly doing something drastic to my hair (and i mean really drastic), and... well, doing anything and everything i want!  maybe i'll even find some willing boy and take myself swing dancing - something that this semester has had a shocking lack of.

this semester has been rather suppressing. . . and it's time for a little creative liberation.
in just about every way possible.

also, going to salt lake helped my seattle excitement to escalate.  i'm getting excited - really, really excited!  in fact, i started thinking about how sad i'll probably be to leave when the time comes.  i can't wait for the new sounds, sights, smells, and people.
i'm ready for adventure!

i have the most amazing little sister.

hailey jo.
it's not really what her name is (my parents thought hailey jo johansen might be a little much), but it's what we've called her since she was born.  since the day she came home to us, we knew she was destined to be great, to be important, to be beautiful.  with dark curly crazy hair and wild green eyes to match, she stands the tallest of the johansen women - beating me by almost an inch and a half.  she loves cats and dogs just as much as i do, and gives our two a little extra love for me while i'm away from home.  she's slightly more than five years younger than me, but you wouldn't know it to look at us.

despite her age (most high school girls need a wakeup call, and i can say that because i was one of them once), hailey is cool.  really cool.  because of her early determination and stubborn nature, she's on her way to becoming a master pianist, already wowing us.  at every trip home, one of my favorite moments is lying on the couch and listening to her play.  i could do that for hours, and i miss hearing that everyday just as much as i miss my kitties.  you'd think a brilliant pianist would steer away from high school sports slightly, right?  not hailey.  not only does she decidedly not avoid crazy high school competition, she chose the most intense to participate in.  my sister's part of one of the first rugby teams in utah.  i can't wait to see her play.  add to the list a few more things: her passion for political discussion; love of education, literature, and history; her intense game of chess; and her strength of testimony in her Savior.  she makes incredible raspberry cornmeal pancakes and perfect buttercream frosting which is just the right compliment to my cupcake obsession phases.  she's willing to try just about anything - once at least, and because of that has a wide range of loves.  she owns rock climbing shoes and heels.  can beat me at spit and sprints {but not chess - yet}.  i help her with her math homework and she tells me all she knows about current political candidates.  she already knows what colleges she wants to attend, which degrees she's aiming for, and has a working oh, probably 20 year plan laid out.

this girl's got it figured out.

i love you, haimee.
and can't wait to see you in four days!

kitty missness

"WE the people of the johansen household, in order to form a more peaceful union, establish regular sleeping habits, insure domestic tranquility, provide for collective mental sanity, promote the general well-being, and secure the blessings of family peace and love to ourselves and our posterity, do plea for the complete surrender of hostilities and warfare between co-residing domestic felines everywhere."

this, the preamble to the extermination of feline contention, was written a little over a year ago by yours truly.  our two little cats had kept us (the entire family) awake for the past consecutive week with their midnight battles.  we were to the point of separation - breaking up the family, so to speak (although after two class periods in part devoted to the subject, i understand the cats in actuality never could be a part of our family system).  

it's funny how frustrated with the two little fur-balls we were.  now, i would give quite a bit to have them fighting in my apartment at night.  i miss these two just as much as i miss my family, especially waking up in the middle of the night being pushed off the bed because they wanted to snuggle so close.

i can't wait to see my holly and merlin!

baby holly (ticky), falling off the bed.

mr. merlin (merlincito), a little camera shy.

the perks of waking up an hour and a half late

that's right.  this morning i was having an absolutely random dream.  so much so that i bet i was smiling and trying not to laugh at all the characters in my sleep {because you know, they would have heard me and thought i was impolite}.  naturally, it startled me a little when natalie burst into my room at 7:20 and shouted in surprise, "JESSI!"  i was supposed to wake up at 6:00.  so during the ten minutes in which i got ready for the day (and still had time to put on mascara - yeah, i'm that good), my planner and my unfinished homework were giving me a guilt trip.  luckily, i wasn't more than 30 seconds late to class: me, win; failed alarm clock, eat that.

it took me half-way through my 8:00 class to be fully conscious, but i was entirely physically present.  by the time i was conscious, i was annoyed.  BUT as you know, i've been working diligently on this mental process called stubborn, obstinate happiness.  hehe, i won!  that alone, i think, is a little manifestation that in my head things are going splendidly!

now, the upside:

because natalie is a saint, i still ate breakfast this morning (and oh was it ever yummy, thanks to our returned blender and my sister's pro-smoothie skills).  unfortunately, waking up late in combination with the fact that i ran out of pre-frozen meals in tupperware two days ago meant that did not have time to pack a lunch.  one goal i have this semester is to eat out as little as possible.  but i had to eat!  during my hour break, i stood in line at subway, ordered my veggie delight, read the rest of the ecology of human development for my next class, and ate my sandwich.

the student center is a fabulous place to eat lunch because 1) there are so many people to distract me from my homework and 2) i just love to watch them!  sitting at a table adjacent to mine was a son and his father.  for the first few minutes, i couldn't for the life of me figure out what in the world they were doing.  then it hit me.  when they sat down, before touching their food (and both with a newspaper in front of them), the son simply said, "GO."  there they sat, pencils in hand, racing each other in today's cross-word puzzle.  isn't that incredible?  it made me smile for the next hour!  the dad won, by the way, and in relief the son began ravenously chowing down on an enormous burger.  it must have been commonplace to them.  the way they didn't have to communicate about what was happening, but just raced (with, i imagine, a strict rule of no food-touching until one of us wins).

maybe my major just turns me into a crazy person, but isn't that one of the silliest, neatest family traditions ever?

i love crazy families!

stricken with paisley travels north

driving today from 9:30 a.m. until 8:00 p.m.
long drive.
we didn't drive quite straightthrough, and the small stops were definitely a relief to my legs.  the sky was incredible the entire day, filled with multiple rainbows, spectacular lightning, beautiful storm clouds, patches of brilliant blue sky shining on southern idaho's patchwork quilt landscape.  breath-taking, through the entire day.  my sisters and i had a grand time belting musicals, guessing artists, and sleeping in the backseat.  not to mention snacking on brazil nuts (have i mentioned how much i am in love with brazil nuts?).

i can't wait to snuggle up in bed with my book for a few minutes, or as long as my eyes will stay open.  tomorrow's filled with family and festivities, which requires a good night's sleep and an early run.
but first things first: a little hotel-room modified yoga to get my muscles moving and breathing again after the long drive.

so.

greetings from a more northern corner of my world.
i hope the sky was as beautiful today for everyone!
goodnight!

homemade bread

a little while ago, i had a little bread adventure.  believe it or not, as much as i love to cook and bake, bread-land was unmapped territory.  natalie, my more-experienced-in-bread-making sister, helped me out, and oh gracious did it turn out wonderfully!  there's simply nothing like homemade bread to soothe the soul and warm the heart.

my mother's fantastic wheat grinder above, and our color aprons below.

in the process....

right before the oven...

and wawlah! some of the most delicious wheat bread i've ever tasted.

the only problem is that i have one more thing to buy before moving back up to provo.... bread pans!

let's have a little happier family now, okay?

motivational phrase of the month (on a sticky note, of course):

"journeyings without murmurings"

this fabulous little phrase is found in 1 nephi chapter 2 of the book of mormon, and it's my favorite right now!  see, every time i travel, i have a tendency to get a little cranky.  in the car, i just want my space.  in the hotel/tent/cabin/trailer/etc. i just want a tiny bit of privacy.  in the morning, i wish i had more time for exercise.  but.  remember that we're positive-thinking right now!  things have to change.

see, my family is taking a vacation, leaving this monday.  we'll be staying a cabin about two hours from our house for a week, and i am determined to make this a happier vacation than average.  i don't need more space because we're taking the trip to get closer together.  i'll be just dandy without extended privacy because i've already had my share for the summer while i was living alone!  and just to ensure that i'll be perky, i'm going to wake up early to exercise because that usually sets off a not-very-easily annoyed mood.  this time our journeyings will be void of my murmurings completely!  

p.s.  tomorrow's friday.  hasn't the week absolutely flown by?

of cats and such things.

i think my cats have a death wish.  i honestly miss these two little critters like crazy when i'm away, but one of the first things they do once i'm home is lose another life.  i was jump-roping this morning: click, click, click, click went the rope hitting the tile in our front room.  then with no warning my twelve-year-old cat holly (who had been lazily snoozing in the window sunlight) pounced on the tile exactly where my rope was hitting, getting herself smacked sharply on the head by the rope.  surprising? in fact, yes.  holly is no-nonsense cat - she does not play.  she's also a little too old to be chasing things.  death wish? apparently.

a few minutes later (after making sure the rope didn't do too much damage to my kitty's head), the younger cat came around the corner.  merlin is only a couple years old, and still very much a moody, playful, brainless siamese kitten.  and he pounced.  this time i was spinning full-force and he took the momentum right on the tip of his nose.  he yowled for about a minute and walked around sideways, shaking his head and sneezing for about five.  maybe he doesn't have quite the death wish the older cat seems to demonstrate, but.  if all merlin's friends decided to jump off a cliff, i'm pretty sure he would follow, too.

cats are crazy, but considering the little bit of excitement they add to life, who doesn't love them?

train of thought derailing a little... i miss my kittens when i'm not home.  but this summer, i miss superman - and the missness doesn't really compare to missing cats.  two months of missing has gone by already {can you believe it?  summer half way over}.  well, tomorrow at least.  tomorrow's the half-way.  when the missness is finally downhill.  and yes, i count down.  hopeless romantic, i told you.  anyway, the last two months have been such a whirl.  there really isn't a separation in my memory between winter and spring semesters, and spring semester only boosted the stress level and made my perception of time more warped.  i'm a little afraid though, now that i'm not nearly as busy or distracted, that the next two months will move by too slowly, painfully.  one thousand miles seems such an easy distance sometimes, with all the convenient technology of the 21st century.  but sometimes, the technology just doesn't help, and you crave real, face-to-face interaction.  so.  here's to two more months.  eight more weeks of superman's absence.  after all, the second half of any separation is supposed to fly by even faster... right?

the best dad

dad in disneyland, 2008

i have the best dad in the entire world.  sounds cliché, i know.  but guess what? it's true.  every father's day i obsess for a couple weeks before, thinking, this father's day i'll get that perfect thing that will tell him exactly how grateful i am, something that embodies my love, gratitude and appreciation in one or two items.  but.  1) those one or items don't exist - there is no one thing that would show him exactly how much i love him, and 2) my dad is one of those hard-to-buy-for people.  maybe it's because i want the gift to mean too much, but every gift i can think of giving just seems too much like a generic... thing, object, devoid of deep meaning.  so i change strategies.  there won't ever be a one thing perfect enough to show him how grateful i am for his sacrifice, his example.  i can only try to live up to it, try to be worthy of the sacrifices he's made and follow the example he's set.  and hopefully, someday, that will be a gift enough to show just how much he means to me.

happy father's day!

rejuvenation

so.

spring semester is finally, finally over.  i'm still a little frantic.  i keep trying to remember and make mental lists of everything that needs accomplishing and what gets turned in when.  only after a few minutes of that do i realize, hey wait.  i'm finished. i don't actually have any deadlines to meet for the next two and half months.  i'm a little surprised at how long it's taking to sink in.

but, not surprisingly, my body has already realized that the backpack full of stress has been lifted.  and, naturally, it does what it usually does after all the stress goes away.  i crashed.  i've slept until noon the last two days in a row {which isn't unusual after a demanding semester}.  i've been a little dazed.

so i decided to give myself the weekend off. i haven't (and i'm not going to) read anything until monday.  i'm not going to worry about how much i should exercise, what i should eat, or what projects i want to jump into.  until monday.  i think it'll be good for me to have a little wind-dooown time, before i start sewing, painting, and (oh yeah) frantically searching for a job. any suggestions? ... i need them.  pathetically.
but i'm not going to think about that for another day and a half.

it's surreal, being home again.  with natalie back from london, all my sisters coming over for family dinner, my nephew william learning to walk, fresh apricots (from our own trees) in my bowl, curling up with my kitties, sleeping in a room with two of my sisters.  but a good kind of surreal.  a restful, beautiful, dream-like kind of surreal.  and i hope it lasts.

at least enough to rejuvenate all my parts - body, spirit, mind, emotions, etc. - enough to go back, just for another two semesters.