the breaking point

thursday. it's always thursday.

i've learned the value of keeping things clean. everything functions better when the dishes are consistently done, the blankets folded, the bed made, the trash picked up, the desk....well, the desk is never what i would call "clean," but typically it's as close to clean as a desk belonging to an artist and a student married with no filing system is going to get.

we keep things fairly tidy around these parts. most days we clean up the meals right after we eat them. most days we tidy things up before we hit the sack so we wake up to a clean(ish) apartment.

and then comes thursday...

thursday seems to be the point at which that all goes out the window. actually, back up. wednesday night i have late meetings and thursday work is always early. thursday is typically a long day for us both and by the time we get home, we realize that we didn't clean up after breakfast on wednesday, lunch tupperware is still on the counter, and we're lucky if left-overs are in the fridge from the previous night. so thursday. thursday's the day when i walk in the door and want to start a revolution against the dishes and blankets and clutter.

can you say throw everything out the window we haven't used in two days?

i can.

luckily, the mess is resolved by friday afternoon (typically). then the weekend starts off on a better note than a hoarder's nest.  okay, it's not ever even close to that kind of thing, but you know when it feels that way because you can't remember why you're keeping the box under the desk or the stack of papers on top? (there's a reason...i know it.)

i clean because i deserve to live in a home where my mind can be at peace.
i clean because i love myself enough to let myself relax in a clutter free (don't look in the closet...) apartment.
i clean because i'm worth cleanliness.

in a way, thursday is a good reminder to check my schedule, not to make sure i don't miss the next appointment, but to make sure that i delete at least one appointment. thursday reminds me that unless i want to hire a maid i need to make my home-life a priority (and really, i don't want a maid). this thursday i was reminded that i need to take the time to slow down and refill the birdfeeder! those poor birds - i haven't even paid attention to them for three days.

i'm not one to live for the weekends despite the fact that i adore my days off. but thursday is the reason why we need weekends. and that's the reason today that i am thankful for weekends, early-off days and a cleaning-partner. otherwise, i would run out of dishes really really quickly.

and i suppose the reason to be thankful for periodic relocation is that eventually the darn closet will get sorted out... right? :)

i'm off to get seconds of dinner - the cilantro smell on my hands is just too irresistible!

5 excerpts from one of THOSE days.

my pajama pants are stained with chocolate. again. i don't think i've ever had an endangered species bar without getting little melting flakes all over what i'm wearing. consequently, a lot of my clothes have small (barely noticeable.. i think) brown chocolate stains.

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i got home from work today ready for lunch. i couldn't really catch a break at work because the last couple hours were busy. consequently a late lunch and a starving me. not starving - i ate two nutballs on the way home. once home, in pajamas and jewelry off, i sat and stared at the fridge for a full ten minutes before deciding nothing sounded good and i had too little energy to do anything with the (seemingly) random assortment of refrigerated items (i planned a menu before shopping...really). okay, move to the cupboards. crackers? nope. chips. chips.... and cheese. nachos was the only thing that sounded edible this afternoon. hopefully my nutritious appetite will be back for dinner (in addition to my motivation to cook...).

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this morning at work, after seeing the results of her test a woman burst into tears. burst. literally. luckily, they were happy tears and she wasn't in need of consolation. that's a tremendously good thing because the crying caught me off guard this time and i think all i said was something like oh... congratulations! you can... have a seat in the lobby for a minute if you need to. and that's about as empathetic as i get today.

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a truck twice the size of my apartment was tailing me really close on the way home from work. it was the long on-ramp and there was a car in front of me. i couldn't speed up and it literally looked like he was trying to shish kabob me with the spikes on the front end of his obviously-trying-to-prove-something vehicle. i tapped my breaks a couple times. and he got closer. and i got angry. right before another lane opened up he switched lanes and gunned it, passing me in the wrong lane. the only problem? the car in front of me had switched lanes, too. he didn't seem to mind that there wasn't enough room for a mini cooper to pass me coming from the wrong way, like he was. if i hadn't of slammed on my brakes i'd be roadkill. a victim of his effort to prove something to society with a truck big enough for two families to live in. don't worry. i laid on my horn for a full 30 seconds until he was too far away to hear.

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reviewing today's to-do list: dishes, clean the bathroom, make dinner and lunches and dinner to-go for tomorrow, the gym for an hour.... the thing that's not on the list is a nap. and that's exactly what is going to happen. one more square of my rhino bar smothered with natural peanut butter and i'm hitting the sack. maybe tonight i'll clear this slate and write my gratitude post i'd planned for today. but first i need to go wake up on the other side of the bed.

eggplant and bananagrams

tonight, i took advantage of taylor's work-through-dinner schedule to make myself a spicy-as-heck meal.  he puts up with my over-spicing ridiculously well, and i've learned to tone-down the hot sauce... a little.  but tonight i went all out.  with my sauteed summer squash and greens, i added more than half a fresh jalapeno.  and salsa. of course.

yum.
reading animal, vegetable, miracle has me dreaming about heirloom seeds and fresh food.  i can't wait to decide what to do with the eggplant in my refrigerator.  even if life gets dull, food will never.


-- 


i took a long hiatus and now it's several hours later.  after spewing all the information i just learned about genetically modified foods onto my husband's plate, i've now filled my quota for the day's stimulating conversation.


also i want to play more games.  tonight was bananagrams.  chess and carcasone are on the upcoming menu.


the last few weeks have been a little rough in texas.  we've hit some unexpected speed bumps and the emotional tires are still recovering... or just adjusting, maybe.  but we've had good food (even if rationed).  and we've played good games.  and we're good company to each other, taylor and me.


tonight, it's time for bed.  tomorrow holds an early run, lots more job applications, the promise of an adventure in the fridge (in the form of an eggplant), and probably the repairs of the oven, the shower, aaaand the windshield.  finally.


all that calls for some good sleep.  may your night be restful and your eggplant as exciting as mine is.


'night!

tossing the closet

today i began the arduous task of cleaning out my closet (...a sub-project of cleaning out my whole apartment - which started last week).  and okay, it's not really that arduous; it's actually kind of fun.  at any given time i probably only ever wear 75% of what's in my closet and dresser.  lately that statistic is more like 15%.  if that.  i'm always grabbing for what's most comfortable and functional, and that ends up always being the same 10 items.  also, while watching videos from dress your truth (really, i'm pretty much obsessed) i heard that the average american woman has $6000 in her wardrobe (clothes, shoes, bags, accessories).  while i think i'm actually way way way below that number, there are definitely things in my closet worth a pretty penny that i haven't worn in months and months - or that i've only worn for a total of four hours.

seeing as the job search continues, i figured i might as well cash in the clothes i don't want anyway for some extra change... or extra money with which to pay our internet bill or something.  currently, there is a stack that takes up half our bed (and is at least two feet high) of clothes that i'm probably going to get rid of.  there's another stack on a chair about a foot high (stacked single-file) that i'm definitely going to sell, toss or give away.

now is the time when i really wish i were one of those famous bloggers with 15000 followers who cleans out their wardrobe by creating a subsection of their blog with images of clothes and prices.  i've known more than one woman who bought an article of clothing that way just because so-and-so owned it.  because it hung in her closet next to the one she wears in her profile picture.

yeah, it'd be pretty awesome to auction my clothes off and have obsessed women out-bidding each other for the skirt i wore in my profile picture two years ago.

BUT because that's not the case, i think ebay is going to become my new best friend.  and if that doesn't work, then i'll take the stacks to a consignment shop in lubbock... or something.

any online selling suggestions will be greatly welcomed.  i'm new at this.

in other news, i'm reading animal, vegetable, miracle (which has been on my list for ages) and absolutely eating it up (pun intended).  i already wanted to grow a garden.  now i think i'm going to go buy pots and start one on my balcony.  ....once the money starts flowing again.

speaking of vegetables, dinner tonight was delicious: lightly sauteed red onion, carrot, summer squash and kale; one hard-boiled egg; and a juicy plum for dessert.

yum.

it doesn't get any better than that, folks.

now vs. then

every now and again i'm compelled to go back through my stacks and read my writing from past years.  today, sitting on a bed in an apartment that's mostly vacant (and soon an apartment for which i won't have to pay rent) i found myself doing just that - leafing back through my old blog.  today, i was reading through a specific time period.

one year ago (plus a month) i was getting ready to leave for seattle.  my husband (then boyfriend) was leaving for japan for the summer and at the time i wasn't sure if our relationship would continue past that point.  and i didn't know how i felt about that uncertainty, either.  i remember the feeling - mostly because i wrote about it well.  it seemed as though life was based on leaving and i longed for some sort of permanence.

i wrote about getting back on track with my health habits, not wanting to part with dearly-loved roommates, leaving my scale behind, and my thoughts on my eating disorder recovery.

in a discussion with my husband earlier today i said something along the lines of it just feels like i was still really naive right before i went to seattle.  it changed something in me and i've grown so much.


and then on the bed reading my blog post from a year ago about moderation, self-forgiveness, confidence and self-love, i was taking notes (and taking to heart) what this girl was saying.  sometimes we were better at some things than we are now, and it's funny when we don't remember.

that doesn't make much sense.  what i'm trying to say (i think) is i realized that a year ago i had a pretty good (and healthy, really genuinely healthy) grip on parts of life that i struggle with from day to day the last while.  and it surprised me when i started telling myself i should take the advice of the younger-me.

basically, where we are now is a product of where we've been (right?).  but that doesn't mean that we're better in all areas.  and it doesn't mean that we're worse in all areas, either.  it just means different.  and sometimes we have to relearn lessons over and over and over and over before they really stick, really get deep down in our heads and our hearts.

so i looked back.  and realized that i'm relearning a lot of lessons that i really used to have a good, fairly firm grip on.

deep breath.

i'm not who i was.  i'm who i am.


and it's okay to not be as on top of things as i was a year ago.  and not just because of the space between.  sure, the space of 13 months counts for something, but when there's no space between (take last week) and one minute i'm fine and dandy and looking at how far i've come and the next i'm wallowing in distress because i'll never be good enough, it's okay.  it's okay that there isn't space between.

that was quite a ramble.

the whole take-home here is just that i'm okay the way i am at this very instant.  disregarding where i was yesterday or a year ago, i'm okay right now - wherever and however i am.

and so are you, yaknow?

the day off.

within the last several weeks, one phenomenon keeps repeating itself: on the days i work {despite the fact that both taylor and i are gone all day} the house turns itself into a tornado disaster area {not supposed to be funny.  while living in abilene, there is nothing funny about tornadoes}.  our schedule on those days absolutely does not allow us time to do damage control.  so... if i work for a several consecutive days, the house throws a bigger and bigger tantrum until in some areas the floor isn't really visible.

i take full responsibility for my portion of this wreck.  ....and that means a vast majority of it.

so, my day off turns into the damage control day.

i've worked four full shifts this week consecutively.  and last week, the damage control just didn't happen.  thus, my day off today consisted of cleaning our room and part of the kitchen.  both rooms are now at least livable.  as to the rest of the house... let's hope i don't work on monday. ;)

today's good things:

*waking up to my husband making me a green smoothie with spinach, kale and collards and an ezekiel english muffin with lori's incredible cookie dough almond butter.  i was almost jealous of myself, then i realized i didn't have to be.

*skyping with da mama.  man, it feels good to see someone face to face {well...as close as it gets, you know} and have good conversation!

*reading my graduation cards from my sisters and families.  yeah, i cried again.  i ought to put them away so i don't become entirely unstable.

*getting out of bed at 9:30 am.

*finally cleaning out my email inbox.  from 22 unread emails down to 2.  oh yeah, baby.  oh yeah.

*not getting one single text from my boss.  hallelujah i've maxed out my hours this week without him paying me more and giving me benefits.  now he can't ask me to anything else.

*looking at my bright blue nails all day.  there's just something about painted nails that has me feeling pretty and put together.

*wearing real clothes - yeah, that work uniform got old real quick.

aaaaand i'm off to make brownies.  oh yeah, brownies from dreena burton's new cookbook let them eat vegan.  thanks again, lori, for making my food life a thousand times better today, and to mom for sending me the recipe.  it's a good life when there are brownies involved.  it's a better life when the first person to make them was dreena burton.