what freedom is

this afternoon, i fulfilled a lifelong desire. the desire to run is planted deep in my soul; my body aches for movement in the sunshine. but there are always limitations. time is almost always a factor - in the morning, always something else to get to, to get the run over for. breath - if you run out, there's just not much you can do about it. aches in my stomach and legs factor into the distance, and then there's weather. morning runs in the summer are glorious, but eventually it just gets too darn hot. winter, the tolerance is only so long, and the remaining two seasons tend to be fairly unpredictable. it's hard to run in rain and snow if you're dressed for warm sunshine.

all those factors hold me back at times. but the treatment i give my body holds me back most.

deep in my bones, i want to feel the call of the sunshine and dirt, have the time and physical capacity to run until i'm satisfied without any restraints. freedom. that's what the desire speaks of.


this afternoon, i set out to the gym with my love. it's been unusually cold lately. the gym has been a refuge for the two of us who less-than-love the icy wind. as we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed the sun come out and start to warm the air around us. it was 5:00 pm, the gym's busiest time, which for different reasons isn't particularly good for either of us.

a moment's contemplation and we pulled away and headed for the running trail. we set off at a brisk walk only, hand in hand. the sun warmed and awakened my heart. big, empty sky in all directions, pale spring blue.

the changing air called my soul to stay as long as i could and with most of the afternoon free, we found ourselves on an unexpected 4 mile run.

freedom, that's what it felt like.


two years ago, i would have been sick afterward and my body would have protested every step. but i still forced myself through sometimes, and i felt like a captive: forcing my body to burn off the calories whether my body liked it or not. i've run 7 miles before - that's the furthest i've ever gone. i remember building up to it. sometimes feeling elated, sometimes weak and dizzy. my body didn't know what to expect because i was starving it, gorging myself, running every day some weeks and some months going without any exercise at all.

my treatment of my physical self was unpredictable at best. self-abusive is probably a better description, and i'm not just talking about the eating disorder. i'm talking about the way i looked at myself in the mirror, the things i put my body through, the mistrust and control i exerted. and in return, i was a prisoner in my body. contained in a physical form that i hated for its limitations. it bound me. i had to fast and cleanse, exercise for an hour every single day and eat nothing but the purest, healthiest food the earth would give me...otherwise i would gain weight, be completely out of control, feel terrible because of all the piling-up health problems and ultimately would be worthless.

i was wrong.

almost a year ago now, on a day in the middle of may, i gave up the battle. i dropped the rope that bound me to my tearful tug-of-war with my body and walked away from it. i decided that it wasn't worth it.

i was sick of being terrified of gaining 5 pounds, sick of the guilt for eating an extra handful of chocolate chips. i wanted to be more than my battle with my body, desperately. i didn't want to look back at my life and see that the biggest theme was that i was always trying to lose weight and be healthier. there are more important things than this! my soul screamed.

so i decided to stop. i decided i would stop trying to lose weight - that i wasn't allowed to try to lose weight or entertain thoughts about it for a year. the time frame was important to me. i was terrified, first of all. terrified that the decision would mean my weight would sky-rocket and my discomfortl with my body would go with it. a time frame gave me a point at which i could say enough...if i needed to.

the alternative was simple: i would eat when i was hungry, building a practice of mindfulness so i could hear my body tell me when i was hungry and full. i would exercise consistently, but never push my body past what felt good. it sounds simple; it felt revolutionary.

i wanted to respect my body and build a relationship of trust with the physical form i inhabit. i wanted my body to trust me - really trust that it could tell me something and i would listen and act. this also meant no more beating my body down. (if you want a strong relationship with a friend, do you constantly tell them they aren't good enough? why, then, do we do this to ourselves if we want a strong, healthy body?)

it'll be a year in a little over a month. i was terrified at first, but now it's become more of a manifesto, a standard i've committed to live my life by. i didn't gain weight, by the way, but instead am in the best shape of my life. but it wouldn't have mattered. the point is that now i'm free - free to think of things other than weight and calories and ingredient labels. i'm free to wear whatever i want everyday instead of basing my clothing choices on how fat i felt and how big i thought my stomach was. the bare truth is, if you treat your body well consistently it becomes consistent. it trusts you.


this is all to say, today i went on a glorious 4 mile run in the sunshine and it meant more than i could have imagined. my body trusted that i wouldn't run myself into the ground, so it let go and really let me run comfortably. i'd been eating what felt good, so i had the energy and nutrients my body needed. i had build up my exercise consistently, slowly. built a strong base from which i could explore.

it felt like freedom. tangible and sweet. warm like the spring sun on my face. i wasn't caring about how many calories i was burning or the exact milage i was putting in for the week. i was expending some extra energy my body had because it asked me to, it called to me to run a little further. it felt glorious.

freedom.

freedom to eat when i feel like it, whatever i feel like. freedom to run whenever i want to - as long or as little as i want.

freedom to not worry about my weight. to keep a broken scale in the bathroom and not care to replace it.

freedom to live and think about things that matter more than 5 pounds. things that matter desperately more than 5 pounds, or 10 pounds or 40 pounds.

this afternoon, i felt that freedom, felt it real and tangibly surrounding me. and it is more beautiful than i could have ever expected when i made the decision a year ago to simply give up and let go of the battle.

i gave up and found that real life is sweet. i discovered that when i'm not worrying about weight and calories and how healthy my lunch is or isn't, i have space to breath, space for serenity and love. i discovered that self-hatred and criticism can't coexist with real health. it's just not possible to tell your body it isn't enough and expect it to give you a good physical experience.

i learned that i can love myself no matter what my weight and i learned that losing weight doens't improve your self esteem and never will. i learned love and peace and acceptance. i learned how to trust and respect myself. in return, i've been given freedom. freedom that i think most women haven't yet tasted. and i'm afraid many won't choose to.

and honestly, that freedom is the sweetest gift on earth i feel a woman can receive.

i am grateful for that gift, for that freedom.

affirmations, vulnerability and self-love

today, i'm working a 12 1/2 hour day. and i only have 3 1/2 left. i hit the wall about a half hour ago.  before 3:30, i wasn't looking at the clock, wasn't searching for things to do... but then it hit. and i started looking at the clock every two minutes. and it started taking two hours for two minutes to pass.  and so i blog.  i guess i've been avoiding it.      subconsciously.  after all, it's almost been a month since i've really sat myself down and written anything worth calling writing.  maybe it's been longer...?

anyway, all that to say that my job as a testing proctor isn't half bad.  sure, it's a lot of sitting and asking for people's ID and waving metal detectors in front of people's faces.  but in addition to getting a lot of eye-rolls about our "airport" procedures, i also get to read. and to write (obviously... i am still at work).  in fact, i had enough free time i had today to read several blog series that i've been meaning to read for quite some time. like...months.  it seems funny to write while i'm at work because it's typically very stop-and-go.  i have intervals of three or four minutes of free time.  if i'm lucky, i'll get a whole ten.  it's always been easiest to write when i had a big block of time with absolutely nothing to do (including no interruptions).

so instead of writing, i started affirmation doodling. which is a very cool thing.  if you haven't tried this, you must!  i started with just a blank piece of lined notebook paper.  at the top i penned things i love about me.  then i started listing.  three things.. four things.... a few full sentences with descriptions of how i've grown the last few months... and then it started.  i wasn't writing on the lines anymore, some words were bold and big, others small and scribbled.  each word with it's own personality, it's own story, it's own voice showing emotion.  and i realized that computers can't do that.  they can't show you the emotion that it takes to write the phrase i'm afraid.  they can't tell you the confidence of a dark period at the end of a satisfying sentence.

i've been toying with the idea of art journaling. i have a giant journal, and i use it, but not as freely as i'd like to. before i put a pen to paper i start to analyze.  is it good enough?  is it creative enough?  is the idea finished enough to actually start writing or drawing it out?

it's the same hang-up i get with my blog.

it won't make sense.

i'll sound silly/naive/immature.

i won't come out the way i see it in my head.

people won't take my experiences seriously.

so what?

i've been reading about vulnerability and how it's a big ally to the belief that you have great worth. and those two create a perfect environment for connection.

...and i just had work to do for 20 minutes and now i can't remember where in the world i was going with that.  eventually, i know i wanted to talk about what i doodle-journaled today:

i love that i'm starting to do things (basic things) - like eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i'm full, cooking healthy food, going to bed early, working, doing my "homework," exercising - for good reasons.  i used to do things like this because i didn't like myself and i wanted to be a different person.  i'd do these things because i didn't like my body, because i felt guilty and ashamed if i didn't, because i didn't feel like a good person otherwise or because i was afraid of not being as good as the others around me.

and it's a good realization (like a blanket in my heart) that i'm starting to do these things because (disregarding my surroundings, my body, the people i interact with...) no matter what, i'm worth it.  it feels good to take care of myself because i love myself, instead of because i don't. i love feeling taken care of.  i love feeling healthy and worth it and (most of all) loved.  especially when i'm loved by myself.

because it doesn't matter how many other people love you or how much other people love you.  until you can know (and feel) that God loves you and that you love yourself, it simply doesn't make a difference.

and that's today's work rant.

go write a list of things you adore about yourself.  not just think are fine, not things that you wish you liked.  things you really love about yourself.

and maybe the whole point of this from the beginning was to say that once we can love ourselves and know our worth like that, connection is 1000 times easier.  a bajillion times easier.  in fact, i bet it's not even really scary anymore.  i believe that, i think.

here's to being fearless.

in search of serenity

after crawling into bed last night {as i said i was so excited to do} i realized that my blog told me i posted twice yesterday.  after spending several minutes thinking about whether or not i was insane, i realized what happened:  on the sixteenth, i came home from work, spent a few minutes browsing other blogs, wrote up a blog post of my own and pressed go.  i didn't realize that night that it had been posted several minutes after midnight - making it appear as though it were posted on the seventeenth.  then, on the real seventeenth, i came home from work, used self control and did not read other blogs before posting, and pressed go several minutes before midnight.  thus, i posted on both ends of the same day.

and that's life lately, working my job.  my job isn't bad, but sometimes it keeps me up frustratingly late.  and sometimes it makes me get out of bed irritatingly early.  and, truth is my body isn't liking the inconsistency of that schedule very much.  it isn't liking it very much at all.  tonight, while going over the weekly schedule with taylor, we realized that in order to get a sane amount of sleep we'd need to go to bed at nine sunday through friday night.  {as you see, tonight's already shot.}  then we realized that half those days, we already have obligations that run until around eleven at night.  and basically that means another week of hardly any sleep, long work hours, late nights and early mornings.  honestly, i don't know how it's going to work.

i've set up some good things tonight to help myself feel a little more on top of life.  like setting up new boundaries so i'm not care-taking and so i can have my needs met.  like checking in daily with how my self-talk and thought patterns are doing.  things like that to help move me along the path of feeling more ... sane.

also, this week's going to have a lot less sugar in it.  thankfully.

the point is, since work's started, i've felt pretty crazy.  some days my life feels pretty manageable.  some days i feel like i'm okay - on top of things for the most part.  and then it gets to be night-time and i start to have a mental melt-down about how i'm too tired to work in the morning, my feet hurt, my head hurts, i haven't gotten anything done i needed to on my day off.... yada yada yada...

i have a difficult time living in an unruly schedule, and that's the way work's been.  up by five some days, out till eleven-thirty some days.  so i'm making a decision to change what i can and accept what i can't.  which yes, it's a feat in and of itself to tell the difference.  but i can change my work situation.  or... i can try.  so try i will.  and while i'm trying to change things {aka, get a job that makes more money, works more consistent and manageable hours, and isn't so physically demanding}, i'll accept that right now this is the job i have and i can be happy and enjoy my time there.

after all, i don't hate it.  it just feels like i'm working more than i can maintain and it's still never enough.  so i'll work at the problem from both directions: try to find a more manageable job while also replacing that "not enough" thinking with more of "i'm doing all i can" thinking.  that's the idea, at least.  i have high hopes for the execution.... i think.

to end, here's something i'd like to be reading every day this week:

the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change.
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

taking, as He did, this world as it is,
not, as i would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right if i surrender to His will.

that i may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

vulnerability:: brene brown

incredible lecture by brene brown i listened to tonight - really, it's worth the 15 minutes.

i connected with this so much tonight.  we live in a culture that teaches us to fear vulnerability, making us emotionally numb and teaching us to put up a shield of perfection.

for the next week, i'm going to put aside my "not enough's."  i'm going to physically create my surrender box and write all those i'm not enough statements down on paper.  i'm going to put them in my surrender box where they won't be accessible.  where i can't get them back out.  then i'll be grateful for what i have - i'll notice the beauty in the ordinary in my life {because i do not want to live in disappointment and i refuse to believe that my life is not good enough because it's ordinary and simple}.

these are the tools i'd like to pack into my tool kit:

1} connection: when i feel not enough i want to connect with other real people.  people who can tell me to stop it.  people who can ask who are you, really?  people that can pull me out of my perfection.

2} self-compassion: to prove to myself that i am important.  to stop negative self-talk and start positive affirmations.

3} courage:  when my fear and shame tell me that i can't or that something is way to scary, i want to do the opposite of what that fear and shame are telling me to do.  i want to have courage to connect.

courage to be vulnerable again.