i like this jessica better

first, the canker sore on my lip has officially reached the "people probably think my lip is deformed" stage.  not that you can see it, but it's drastically impairing my ability to speak normally... or at all.  ouch.  it really is pretty bittersweet that the juiciest sweetest plum of the season caused me to bite my lip so hard it bled.  and really, that line is not as metaphorical as it sounds or should be.  i really ate the most incredible plum ever, and i really did bite my lip and it bled.  a lot.

and if i said that in church, my sister would hold up a massive sign from the back of the room that read "TMI!"  but this isn't church.  it's a blog.  and on the blog we can basically say whatever we want and nothing is too much information, right?? ...erm.

moving on.

i'm addicted to baking.  no worries, this post isn't nearly as serious as it already sounds.  i'm not being literal.  although food has become the greatest excuse not to do homework the past two and a half weeks.  see, there were many things i was deprived of while i was in seattle.  {also, there's a positive seattle experience post in the making.  no, it wasn't all horrible.  just sometimes..in someways..you know.} one of these deprivations was a drastic lack of me cooking or baking anything.  that's right.  you know your soul is slowly dying and it's time to make some drastic changes when you go for that long without getting giddy over what's coming out of the oven.  or, at least i do.

but i'm making up for it.

in the past several days, i've made raspberry cornmeal pancakes with celestial cream, banana chocolate chip muffins, falafel with tzatziki sauce, and a massive batch of monster cookies.  oh yeah, and italien breakfast sandwiches.  ask me about those later!

really, not only am i enjoying food more than i have in well, a really long time, i'm also eating in pure guilt-free moderation.  disclaimer: no one is perfect.  ever.  but i've hit this blissful balance the last week or so between being healthy and eating all the foods i love {love and either have always restricted or binged on}.  it's this awesome stress-free mental food umbrella - being able to eat what i love when i'm hungry stop when i'm full.

it's strange, too.

see, i've had a lot of sugar lately, in retrospect.  and it's not like i've stayed at an ideal calorie intake or really been working out to my personal satisfaction.  the cool thing is that it doesn't matter much anymore.  not that being healthy doesn't matter, but my perspective has changed so much.  healthy isn't eating a perfect diet anymore; healthy is eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.

and look at that.

without even intending to, i've worded what i've been attempting to put into language since the end of the summer: health isn't perfection anymore, it's eating wonderful food in good amounts and being generally nutritious.  and it's being happy about it, too!

ideology shift?

i think so.  and it's in a really good direction.  so, i'm taking this moment to celebrate.  i didn't sit down with the intention to write about my eating disorder recovery, but that's what came out.  i've changed over the summer.  natalie said it best about two weeks ago.  she said, i like this jessica better.  the one who'll eat cupcakes with me and not care about how much sugar they have in them because they are so good!  that's paraphrased, but you get the idea.  i'm a more relaxed individual, now.  i'm more me, less... less obsessive and stressed.  because when i let go of all those expectations of perfect everything for myself, i became a little closer to the real me.  and that's the real point, here.

isn't it?

so that's it.  i'm reestablishing my relationship with food {and my own awesome body}.  and also, i love to bake.  hey, look - back to the beginning.  what i meant to write about was this:  this week, i can't wait to go to sunflower market and check out their all-natural meat section.  also, i can't wait to delve into a few unopened cookbooks to figure out how to cook the meat!  and because i love to see things come out of the oven i'm also going to be making white cheddar rosemary scones and chocolate chip apricot scones.  incredible, i know.

and i'm going to have some left-over falafel for dinner.

and the point of this whole post: i love food and i'm happy.

at the same time.

happy eating! :)

i found my happy place.

i found my love in seattle.

one of four studios in the world,

donation-based.

the best yoga workout i've ever had,

and the happiest.

on a busy street,

i found that seattle is capable of

peace.

for crying out loud, have a cupcake.

in my experience, there is a theme among roommates these days.  

after graduating from high school, i received one of the most influential gifts ever given to me: vegan cupcakes take over the world.  yes, i can thank my lovely sister lori for changing my life.  for a solid year, i made vegan cupcakes like i owned a bakery.  several batches a week!  it taught me that when you give people cupcakes, it makes them happy, then they love you.  {as illustrated by the diagram below.}  by the way, this is just background information - i'm getting to my point in a moment.  anyway, this is a natural cycle, process of life.  give people delicious things to eat and they will love you.

cupcake-love diagram

HOWEVER.

in my experience, this apparently universal truth is subject to a complete phenomena when the female brain hits age twenty.  see, when i moved into my first apartment, one of the first things i said to my new roommate was, "hey. i'm going to make you cupcakes and you're going to love me."  {okay, not literally, but you get the idea.  i did in fact tell her i was going to make her cupcakes.}  she replied with, "no, don't! i don't want to eat that. i'll throw them away!"  

that was the beginning of the decline in my delectable pastry baking.  since that time, i have always had at least one roommate who protested the making of sweet-things in the apartment.  {with several small-period exceptions.}  therefore, i should not have been surprised when not one, but two of my roommates this summer protest the making of only-slightly-unhealthy delishishness.  

here's the kicker: 

i've recently learned that it isn't just my roommates.  oh, sure, give cupcakes to the male interns and they'd have a party!  but, to the gals?  think again.

one is abstaining from all desserts for the entire summer {believe me, sugar's in more than desserts, ladies.}  one will eat desserts, but only if it doesn't make her calorie-count for the day spike too much.  another, zero carbohydrates for the summer.  yet another will only eat bread on the weekends, and her roommate is supporting the goal by joining in the obsessive restriction of all things bread.

are we stressed, ladies?

don't get me wrong, i've had my share of sugar-free days, weeks, months... my sister has been upset more than once by my restriction of sweets.  i've had my share of eating obsessions, but from them i've learned that over restriction and dieting only leads to binging, out-of-whack hormones, and still more obsession.

it's time we reconsider the pressure we're putting on ourselves, don't you think?

because after all, with the demands we're placing on our bodies and minds, eventually something's going snap.

i've started reading the triple bind, and it speaks to me.  it talks about the pressures of being female in today's society, and yaknow... they have a point.

more to follow.

thoughts on rest and days off.

this weekend, my body's forcing me to take a mandatory few days off.  which, i'll admit, is always better to schedule myself than have my body schedule it for me.  but either way, i'll feel better afterward.  at the moment, i'm not exactly enjoying the large cold sore on my chin, but i have learned a few things.  okay... not really learned, re-learened.  or remembered..

1. my body can handle a couple weeks of heightened sugar intake just fine - as long as i have a couple weeks after that of no stress, almost perfect diet, and consistent exercise.  oh yeah, and lots of sleep.  during the last couple weeks of winter semester, i was eating quite a bit more sugar than my body is used to.  coming from that into a work environment {that's been a big change and a kind of a constant, nagging sort of stress}, i shouldn't have been surprised when my body said, "wait a minute...I DON'T HAVE THE NUTRIENTS I NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS!" and then.... crash.  first headaches, then fatigue, then neck pain, then cold sore.  it did try to give me warning signs, first.  so i can't complain.  

2.  speaking of warning signs, this has been a great re-learning experience because i've remembered that i need to pay attention to those warning signs my body's giving me and do something about them instead of just shrugging them off and saying, "oh, my headache will go away eventually."  the last three weeks in seattle, i've been shrugging-off all the signals my body's sending me more than ever.  but i'm glad to have a reminder.  now, i'm going to re-start working to stay more in-tune with what my body needs.  i'm going to do more yoga, eat more vegetables, and make some time every day for just me - to meditate and relax.

3.  i've also learned yet another lesson about social comparison.  i'm competitive - if you don't believe me, just come play cards with me and my sisters.  i worried, coming up here, that i wouldn't be able to keep up.  after all, i'm with a group of students that are elite - to say the least.  i'm not sure how in the world i was placed with most of them, to be honest.  while i've taken big leaps in not comparing myself to others physically, it's okay to compare myself in every other way, right?  ...wrong.  dead wrong, in fact.  everyone has their own individual 100%.  for some, that means a fifty-hour work week, for others it's a casual twenty.  while twenty-hour work weeks here won't quite cut it {for the next several weeks, at least}, i'm finding that i can't push myself to the same limits that others judge their work by.  i can make sure i'm collecting quality data, doing my best in everything i'm doing, but not taking on so much that i'm overwhelmed.  individual's work styles are just about as different as individual's physical-selves.  and that's why there's no good in comparing - even though it happens often in all different settings.

to be honest, i'm really glad i have a couple of days to slow down.  i didn't realize how absolutely out-of-touch with myself i was until i woke up this morning.  these next couple of days will be used to center myself again - return to being okay with my inner-self, so i can work with my body to accomplish what i need to, instead of ignoring its limits and trying to push to the extreme.

speaking of extreme... from the internet, i've been exploring bikram yoga studios in seattle, and i can tell you i'm more than intrigued.  i've been wanting an extra push when it comes to yoga, lately, and i think this might be the thing to try.  105 degrees with 50% humidity, and it's 90 minutes long.  eek!  it scares me... but one of the biggest reasons i'm here is to overcome things that scare me {more on that to come}.  so i'm going to give it a try.  i'm going to work up to it, first.  despite their claim that you don't need to even be physically active to try it, i'd like to not embarrass myself. :)  

also, there is the cutest little finch that's building a nest outside my window today.  she keeps standing on my windowsill with her beak absolutely stuffed with grass.  she looks in and twitches her head back and forth as if she's trying to say, "hey! i need some help here! this stuff is so heavy!"  it's adorable.  and i wish i could help her.  be strong, little bird!

patterns.

the last few weeks i've been reminded that i'm not perfect - often.  life isn't crashing down or anything, i haven't had some massive humbling experience that will make me an incredibly better person in the future.  it's one of those on-going "this will make me a better person eventually" sorta things.  i've been quiet about my health for a little while because there wans't much to talk about - everything was incredibly {and blissfully} stable.  it was stable because my routine was stable - fairly, at least.

a few weeks ago, that stability was more than slightly overturned. . .gradually.  can something be gradually overturned?  maybe that's a really abstract metaphor.  but it was.  routine stability slowly turned into near chaotic living.

lately,

i don't do as much homework as i used to.

my sleep schedule has been the opposite of what i want it to be - meaning i've been going to bed early and waking up late, going to bed late and waking up early, and going to bed really late and waking up really really late.

running and yoga have been sporadic, at best.

food. . .oh, food. . .

my diet's been something like 70% pure sugar, 20% processed carbohydrates, and 10% actual digestable food.

i've been told that my room is a pretty reliable measure of my inner-state.  if life is stable, my room is impressively clean and organized - and it stays that way for weeks at a time.  however, my stress level, defined as the amount of change present and anticipated {thank you, family adaptation and resiliency for teaching me that life stress doesn't have to make me stressed} is directly correlated to the messiness of my room.  it's a positive line - and yes, it's usually exponential.

something like....

this.

so, that's a long explanation for one little sentence: i think my room is messier than it's ever been.

now, let me clarify slightly.  i'm not super stressed out - see, there's a big difference.

stress = the amount of change a person is undergoing.

stress =/ how stressed out i feel.

moving across the country + end of the semester + anticipating leaving things here i'm really attached to = a whole lot stress!

so, to get to what i wanted:

i haven't been doing as well as i'd like.  all this changing and anticipating the massive changes that are coming up soon has had me a little nervous.  this week it's caught up to me.  my neck has hurt more than usual - little remnants of fibromyalgia pain.  my clothes are all a little tighter than is mentally comfortable because my eating habits have been so off.  old vices tend to surface most during times of change.  i know this, so all this isn't completely unexpected.  and i've learned to manage it better - a week {or in this case, a few} of really off eating and a few extra pounds don't have me being intensely restrictive.  in fact, after recognizing how crazy my eating habits have been my reaction was very carefully intentional: keep three balanced meals a day, try to cut back on the sugar so i feel better.  it's difficult because it's still not my default.  but i'm learning, and i am incredibly impressed with myself for taking time to learn, instead of being reactive and restrictive.

anyone who's had a recovery processes of their own is aware of the monumentalness of what i'm doing.  recognizing patterns enough to stop the cycle is a massive part of pulling out of any addictive practice.  this is one really big "test" i've noticed since starting to mentally beat anorexia out of my life.  i'm glad i was able to recognize a pattern, and i'm glad that i've learned to react the way i now can.  it's been a process, but looking back i'm impressed with how much i've learned - even just this semester.  now, even though my room is still a disaster area, my health habits can all jump back on track instead of swinging to a different extreme.

overall, i'm a much more stable person than i was four months ago, or a year ago, or four years ago.  and it's good to reflect on that kind of monumental progress - especially when the going gets tough!

another reason i'm proud of myself today: i went to sleep at 10:00 pm last night, and i pulled myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning.  before my class started at 10, i'd written a paper, ran, made myself breakfast, eaten breakfast, and gotten completely ready for the day {aka, no ponytail}.  now. . .THAT is major progress, don't you think??

and we'll just disregard the fact that i only went to one class today because of how freezing cold i was. :)

speaking of, i'm off to find some really warm socks!

and make a crazy effort to deep clean my room. :)

not really a punishment

balance is something i have searched for through this semester (now half-way in).  i've made progress.  i get more than three hours of sleep a night lately, and my room stays consistently clean {for the most part}.  i read my scriptures, go to most of my classes with almost most of my homework most of the way finished, and i play a little, too.  taking a critical look at my schedule, i am a pretty balanced gal - especially considering i'm going to school.  however, i haven't felt quite grounded enough since school started.  the summer was grounding - perfectly so.  but since classes started up again, the ground seems to be constantly tilting, slipping out from under my feet, or sometimes trying to shake me off my feet altogether.

i think i'm going to shift my focus slightly, for the rest of the semester.  i'm balanced - i think i've gotten pretty good at that!  but i want to stay grounded, feel like i always have my head on. 

so i'm grounding myself.  really.  to my room, to be alone with myself for a little while every once in a while.  because for me, being grounded (in a sense) really is....grounding.

goals, balance, and food

so once the first round of midterms hits (byu classes normally have two midterms), schedules get so crazy that there isn't much time to think about what you're going to eat for lunch tomorrow.  this, for me, is a little tragic - i take a lot of joy in planning meals and even more in making meals that take me more than five to ten minutes.  this week was the beginning of midterms, but the first round won't end for me for another two weeks or so.  after that, i'll only have a few days until the cycle starts all over again.

so i've made a new little resolution.  i'm going to start making something exciting (something i've never made before) every weekend!  i like to give myself at least a little break on the weekends most of the time, and this will be a perfect way to satisfy my cooking-craving that i starve from during the week.  it should also keep my pallet satisfied - college-quick food has my mouth in a constant depression most of the time.  for the first test, i've decided to try vegetarian pot stickers and chinese chow mein, although i'm a little skeptical about the mushrooms and the bok choy... but hey! this is an experiment, so caution to the wind! right??

change of thought pattern, slightly..

i also have another little goal i'm starting today.  okay, it's more like a lifestyle change, i guess.  but that all starts with small goals, i think.  this all started with a post by loveyoulongtime a few days back.  she talks about the little things she does to show her love to herself (really, it's a great little post - you'd like it).  it made me think about how hectic my life has been the past few weeks and the things i usually do to remember my worth that have been sacrificed lately.  nothing huge, but sometimes small things count the most.

so i'm going to implement a few things and bring a few things back into my life:
i'm going to treat myself to eight hours of sleep a night (which will be a huge improvement).
i'll let myself feel a little more feminine and make time to paint my nails - pink!  i haven't done this in quite a while.
in this lifestyle, there isn't much alone-calming time, so i'm going to calm myself and have some very me-time with yoga - several times a week.
i'm going to start eating breakfast sitting down every morning - without rushing (fifteen-minute breakfasts - oh yeah!).  that way it'll be more than an apple out the door.
i really love to shower, and i love to wear skirts, but lately i've been in such a rush that shower time has been significantly cut down.  so i'm going to make time to shower everyday without rushing, and shave enough to wear a few more skirts.

now that i've realized how many things i cut out of my schedule during school, things that really make me remember that loving myself is important, i've realized that it's the lack of these things that make me feel frantic when i get busy.  i think bringing them back will help me feel more balanced and secure in my lifestyle right now!

what things do you do to bring balance back to your life?

ps. i've decided that once you start dating frequently, the inevitability of a really bad, awkward, depressing, or time-wasting date is a little daunting.  the pro: sometimes you get really great stories.... and sometimes you come home laughing and looking forward to your own apartment.

pps. HAPPY OCTOBER!

grateful

as a moment of gratitude, i'm going to talk about running, again.  i know i've been going on about how much i love running quite a bit lately, but indulge me at least once more!  i started running about two years ago.  before that, i couldn't run.  as i've mention briefly before, i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when i was fourteen after more than four years of searching to the answer to my fragile health.  currently, i consider myself free of all diagnoses.  overcoming the mental crutch is half the battle, and in my opinion i've been healed (which is of course a long journey that never really ends), but i digress.

i can run now.  maybe not quite with the ease that i'd like, but i can do it.  i've been running for an hour a day for the last month (my goal is still going, i've only missed one day so far!).  i don't run the whole time, probably about 40 minutes of the 60 i'm out.  but simply for the fact that i actually can run now, i love it.  every morning when i when i start to sweat, my heart pounds, and my breathing speeds up considerably, the thought foremost in my  mind is, "thank you.  thank you, Father for letting me experience this joy.  thank you for allowing me to run and helping me be healthy enough to run every single day."

i am so grateful for my body that can run.  i'm thankful for my health, and the knowledge that the journey i've taken to gain it has given to me.

project: you are what you think - the beginning of a new journey.

it's a new day.

and yes, i know that's a very obvious statement.  but.  today is different.  today marks the beginning of a new goal, experiment, and potentially life-altering decision.

there are a million different things that shape you into who you are, exactly, right?  considering what i deeply believe, the first (or what should be first) is our Heavenly Father - His plan for us through our compliance with it.  next, the Lord has told us that "as a man thinketh, so is he."  i also believe in the largely quoted (and never taken quite seriously enough) statement, "you are what you eat."  i strive for the first, devoutly.  i almost obsess over the latter, strictly.  until now, i have payed only vague acknowledgement to the second: you are what you think (disappointingly).

in actuality, your thoughts determine your reality, and your perception of it.  i've known this, but largely (and ashamedly) have ignored the fact.

remember how i'm sick?  it got worse yesterday.  the goal was to not be bed-ridden, and to my disappointment i failed miserably.  i did get out of bed, but only to move to the couch and in front of the television.  how pathetic is that?  i don't even watch television.  i've been blaming this nasty cold on the stress of last semester in combination with the sweets that were altogether too plentiful my last week in provo (for a while).  i'm sure these elements played a role.  after all, you are what you eat, and i was eating what makes me sick.  i know my body doesn't hold up very well under extreme stress or pressure, and that's exactly what i was in.  but.  here's the confession: what have i been thinking through all this stress and some uncharacteristic unhealthy eating? unhappy thoughts.

i've been a nervous wreck the past couple of weeks.  angry often, upset regularly, annoyed like clockwork, and emotionally distraught daily.  my mom was kind enough to point out last night that i am positively worrying myself sick, literally.  worse, i'm a basket case worrying about things that i mostly can't control to begin with.

the last few weeks of this type of thinking i like to think are uncharacteristic because of how drastic i've been.  but really.  i need to be brutally honest with myself for a moment here. so allow me a moment.  i try to be a very optimistic person, i really do. however, past that determination, i struggle with negative thoughts often.  mostly toward myself or my current situation, i stress, demand perfection, worry worry worry, etc.

today, it stops.  today is the beginning of project "you are what you think."

the first thing i'm going to cure is this blasted cold.

i'm going to take it a few steps at a time because oh-how-i-know i have a whole lot to work on.  it's daunting.  a little nerve-wracking.  but it's time to really give it a shot - whole-heartedly.

i talked some about the little beast of a chronic illness i was diagnosed with several years ago, fibromyalgia.  i've contained it with diet, controlled it with lifestyle.  i've liked to think for the past year or so that it's gone because i don't want to give in to what's left of it.  today is the beginning of it's banishment.

this is a big step.  an overwhelming journey to begin.  but no matter what, the only logical way to go is up.

and guess what?
i can do hard things.

i'm up to the task.

wish me luck!
and anyone want to join me in my journey?

full blown cold

it's official.

apparently i wasn't resting quite enough for my body post-semester.  i've been fighting the beginnings of a nasty cold going around the family for a few days now.  and today, the bug stopped playing around and hit full force.  sneezing, coughing, eye-watering, loss of voice, swollen glands, and aches all over: i have a cold.

however, it's an encouraging thought to look back at the past several years and realize that a little cold right now is really not a big deal.  i haven't really been sick in the past several years.  slight fibromyalgia fluctuation, exhaustion, but never the flu, never bad colds.  so.  a little cold can't be that bad, right?

the goal is to not let it put me all the way in bed.

but. we'll see what tomorrow brings.  it's hard to stay in bed when there's sunshine outside waiting to be played in!

i'm going back to bed.

i woke up this morning with a runny nose. and a tiny bit of a sore throat.  and a headache.

and i have a presentation my whole life is resting on - tuesday.

i

can't

get

sick.

i know my body is worn out with how busy and stressful the semester's been, but really? now?

a week ago, i could have dealt with it.

in another week, it wouldn't be so bad either.

but now? 

please, no.

please, please, no.

i

can't 

get sick

right now!

i guess it's time to go back to sleep.

drink an extra green smoothie - and more water.

double up my fruits and veggies.

start taking echinacea

and stop being so darn stressed out!

my cookie reminder.

okay. so.
cookies.

first off, i feel i ought to give a little explanation about how i came to eat the way i do, or rather, how i came to not eat the things i don't.  actually, the how i came to and why i do now are slightly different stories.  this isn't in full, mind you.  that's for another day. but to give a little background on both... (before we have cookies)

i was fourteen years old.  young, for someone with a severe chronic illness.  the doctor's visits had started years before, a journey jump-stared with headaches and general practitioners and leading to more alternative means of health care as symptoms widened and worsened.  then one night, at the age of fourteen, i snapped.  i sat on the bathroom floor, door locked, crouched on my knees, and sobbed.

this definitely wasn't the first time.  but i remember cyring this night more than any of the others.  i remember because this was my turning point. my tipping grain of rice.  my rock bottom.

after the hysterics passed and i couldn't shake more tears out, i was usually too exhausted to think.  but tonight the tears simply wouldn't. stop. coming.  my spirit and mind rebelled against the prison my body was turning into.  inside myself i screamed, i just can't live like this! i won't live like this!


and that was it. i stopped crying. i realized i wasn't willing to live a lifetime in constant pain. so i wouldn't. i wanted to be able to do all the things other kids my age could do.  so i would.  in a moment, it was all that simple.  it didn't matter what the professionals told me i  would never be able to do while living with in this 'condition.'  i would find a way. in that small moment, i knew there would be a way provided {see 1 nephi 3:7}.

the next day, my mother and i spent hours completely revamping my diet, sleep habits, and exercise (a note on my mother. she's incredible. i would still be sick if she wasn't exactly as she is).  she showed me the book "the healing power of whole foods," by beth loiselle.  a book that helped change my life completely.  starting that day, the 25th of october, 2004, i stopped eating almost all processed foods.  whole foods only.  no sugar (not even honey. not even in tomato sauce).  i discovered that if i ate sugar, it made all my nasty symptoms return with a whoop.  not at first, but over time.  i can honestly say i  was as close to perfect as was teenage-girl possible for a solid year - the most healing year of my life.

i have my own little mental celebration on the 25th of october every year for the day i discovered my will power.  but i'm getting beside the point. it's been up and down from there, obviously.  but mostly up, and continually up.  that's what's important.

so.  cookies.
this summer, i've been eating mostly raw foods - a step even further in the healing direction.  three weeks.  probably the longest i've been without any sugar since that 2004 year.... until this weekend. i splurged.  granted, the cookies i made were vegan, whole-wheat, and sweetened with evaporated cane sugar (still sugar, don't be deceived, but maybe a smidgen better than that white stuff).

they were monster cookies.
peanut-butter, oatmeal, chocolate-chip, m&m monster cookies.

sometimes, you just need a cookie.  it had been an awful weekend. so... i ate them.  my roommate had two. my relief society presidency took five or six... and the rest of them, i ate.  it took me three days (only three days, oh my goodness gracious).

i do this every once in a while.  for some reason, my body feels like it needs to remind itself why i eat the way i do by showing me how i feel when i eat the way i shouldn't.  i remember now. i remember that i don't like headaches (or stomachaches).  i remember that i don't like to feel like i'm going to die when i run.  i remember that i like to be able to sleep and wake up on time.

and i remember now that what i eat makes such a difference.

ps. they really were fabulous cookies (if you don't eat the whole batch).  if you'd like the recipe i used, i'll post it, too!