sufficiently humbled.

i've been in freak-out mode for the last few days.  okay, so maybe i've just had really bad pms - which {i admit freely} every few months turns me into an emotional monster.  and yes, for the past several days, i've been nothing short of an emotional monster.  i've complained about tiny things that really didn't matter, i angered over things that normally would have me laughing.... you know the drill.  mostly, my natural reactions to basic situations have been out of control.  for example, when the second counselor in my single's ward asked me {today} to speak in church next week, before i stopped myself, i blurted out, "NEXT WEEK???"  he stammered for a minute, then said, "um... i am sorry about the short notice."

i accepted happily, of course.  but i feel like lately my life's been in that sort of panic mode.  some unexpected happens and i freak out for a minute before realizing, oh yeah, this is just life! 

i could blame it on pms all i want, and believe me, it's a truth that everything has been absolutely exemplified by my reeling emotions the last week, but in reality - straight, unemotional reality - i've been on freak-out mode, too.

i've been so busy that a lot of the basics have fallen by the wayside a little.  running, sleep, eating habits, scripture study... it's all been extremely sporadic.  and today, during church, i felt very humbled.  very instructed.

i realized how much i've been relying on my own strength to get me through the first few weeks of this internship, to get me through being away from the people i love.  and i've been so afraid that my strength wouldn't be enough.  the crazed freak-out mode was a result of me knowing {deep down} that i just didn't have enough to do it.  and i don't - that, i know for sure.  i don't have what it takes to be this far out of my comfort zone every single day.  i don't have what it takes to be so far away from everyone i love so much and still have the emotional strength and capacity to do what i need to here and love them from far away.

then i realized how silly i was being.  as humans, i know we have a tendency to rely on ourselves - it's our nature.  but it's never enough.  and one of the biggest tests of this life is to see if we figure out who to turn to.  after realizing how much i've relied on my own strength the past little while, i feel a little ridiculous - because i know better.  but luckily, Heavenly Father is always there.  even when we realize He's been waiting a long time for us to simply ask.

and now that i've realized this, really and fully, i have a feeling things are going to be looking up a little.  it's always easier when two are carrying the burden of one.  and i know with His help, i can do a lot more than i even know.  which is so comforting, right now.  because there's a lot that i know i can't do on my own, in my future.

so today, i've re-evaluated my priorities and rearranged my time a little so i can put Him back in first place.  and it's extremely relieving to have finally realized that all i really have to do is ask, then listen, then obey.

not really a punishment

balance is something i have searched for through this semester (now half-way in).  i've made progress.  i get more than three hours of sleep a night lately, and my room stays consistently clean {for the most part}.  i read my scriptures, go to most of my classes with almost most of my homework most of the way finished, and i play a little, too.  taking a critical look at my schedule, i am a pretty balanced gal - especially considering i'm going to school.  however, i haven't felt quite grounded enough since school started.  the summer was grounding - perfectly so.  but since classes started up again, the ground seems to be constantly tilting, slipping out from under my feet, or sometimes trying to shake me off my feet altogether.

i think i'm going to shift my focus slightly, for the rest of the semester.  i'm balanced - i think i've gotten pretty good at that!  but i want to stay grounded, feel like i always have my head on. 

so i'm grounding myself.  really.  to my room, to be alone with myself for a little while every once in a while.  because for me, being grounded (in a sense) really is....grounding.

catch up

it seems i've been having more adventures than i expected, lately!  life is always busier at the end of a semester than any other time of the year, and this time around, as the pace of school picked up, the mounting level of homework squeezed everything else entirely out of my brain.  including the good old blog, apparently.

but, i persevere.

just to catch up a little...

the presentation: much better than expected.  scared me to pieces (as most public speaking related assignments do), took entirely too much time to prepare, covered a gargantuan amount of fascinating research (the effects of personality on marital outcomes), and is now over.  it felt so good. and it feels even better now that i can breath again.

one and a half weeks left of the semester - it's going by so quickly i almost don't dare to blink for fear i'll forget to take one of the remaining four exams.  luckily, this semester has been a little boost to my gpa - thus, i don't have to worry quite so much about minimum qualifications to keep my scholarship.  

now: my focus shifts (again) to a job hunt... which i'm relating more and more to a witch hunt.  i'm jumping at every minuscule sign and opportunity.  

despite the busy level jumping from 10 to 20 the last two weeks, i have had a few little adventures (that didn't involve presentations, papers, or gpas).  more to come about these few things very soon: the return of the roommate, the beginning of the tolkien marathon, old friends reunited, new vegetarian friends found, an exciting update on fibromyalgia issue, and some absolutely incredible new recipes (which is usually the case after another trip home - you can't be around my mother for very long and not find at least a few new favorite recipes!).  

but. those are for later. 

for now, it's time for a sunday nap.

goodnight!

joshua

although i'll admit that i read the book of mormon more than any other book of scripture, lately joshua - in the old testament - has really drawn my attention.  there is such great strength in this prophet's words, so much that has sustained me, reminding me that everything will work out (i'll find a job, be able to perform as well as i need to in school to keep my scholarship, find the words and time to keep my relationships strong and help my friends in their struggles) because i'm relying on the only source of power that can never let me down - the Lord.  these few scriptures help to me worry a lot less, and pray a lot more.

joshua 23:8-11 (my favorite parts)

     "but cleave unto the Lord your God, as ye have done unto this day... for the Lord your God, he it is that fighteth for you, as he hath promised you.  take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the Lord your God."

joshua 1:9 (what i turn to most when i worry)

     "have not i commanded thee?  be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest."

joshua 24:15 (to strengthen my resolution)

     "...choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

during church today, this last scripture made me think a lot about my priorities.  a thoughtful man sitting a few rows in front of me made a comment that i liked quite a bit.  "priorities are not determined by your stated purpose," he said, "they're determined by how you are actually spending your time."  i'm a list-maker. at this very moment, i have seven different lists just on my desk next to my laptop, and at least another three hanging from my bulletin board on sticky notes.  but i realized, just because i wrote it down on the top of my list, doesn't make it my priority.  it's whether or not i actually do it.  i think sometimes i need to stop making lists and just do it (not promoting nike here, no worries).

on another note, i've always thought of this scripture in a "decide today what you're going to do forever" sense, but today i thought of it a little differently during sunday school.  sometimes you have to take life one day at a time, and i think that might have been part of what joshua meant here.  choose what you will do to serve the Lord, today.  not what you did yesterday, not what you have to do tomorrow, just today.  just choose for today. one day at a time.  it makes the concept seem a little more personal, right now in my life, easier to grasp.

ps. i successfully haven't fallen asleep during my morning scripture study for more than a week now.  my roommate was right, reading on the floor instead of on my bed made all the difference!

pps. in the last two days i've eaten more than nine cookies. after how many weeks of resisting every sugar-filled, white-flour yum that passed under my nose?? more to come on that ridiculousness later.