be still, my soul.

this morning, i peeked through my blinds and found my world covered in six inches of powdery, clumpy snow.  the kind that weighs the trees down until the blossoming branches touch the side walk and streets.  despite my restlessness for spring, it was magical all over again - absolute proof i'm becoming more accustomed to provo winters than i ever thought possible.  walking at the south end of campus, i noticed the ducks seemed a little more than annoyed at the sudden cold spell than usual, and i smiled.  i dealt with the snow today better than the ducks did, i think.

this weekend is a highlight for me {of the semester entirely}.  general conference is one of my favorite holidays.  okay, not actually a holiday, but it felt like one this time around.  having two full days to soak as much spiritual strength as i can from my leaders is a privilege i treasure.  especially now, as i have changes springing at me from all sides, it was more than encouraging.  it was restful.  rest that i dearly needed {although i hadn't realized it before now}.

i feel rejuvenated.  like i have the tools i need to move forward.

there are a few things that have been worrying me lately.  the future {immediate and far} is on my mind more than usual, lately.  as a woman, i have a strong desire to have a family - someday.  i want that family to be my first priority.  however, as my bachelor's degree nears it's end {thankfully}, i have a large decision to make.  to have a master's, or not to have a master's?  i've been the pendulum in that clock for quite some time.  i know i could thrive in that situation, that i could love that education and the career it led to with all of myself.  but i worry it would distract me from what i really want in this life: to have a family of my own.  i know the temptation would grow to replace that with other things.  it would become easier to be more self-centered, easier to be only self-reliant, easier to be too. . .independent.

maybe it's a silly worry - i know plenty of women who have gone beyond master's degrees, with and without families who are living their lives in line with principles i value.  but then again, i know my weaknesses - some of them.  and i worry about putting myself in that situation.

this weekend, i glimpsed a little rest from that worry and those decisions.  while hearing inspired messages, i received my own little peace.  the thought that i would know what to do.  that i can pray and go to the house of the Lord to guide my decisions, peacefully.

i still don't know what to do.  i'm not sure exactly the things i should definitely pursue {as more options present themselves}.  but i know i'll be guided by my Heavenly Father to the course He would have me walk on.  i felt sure {through this weekend} that being in seattle over the summer will be difficult, that it will be more of a test than i've even anticipated, in more ways than i've dreamed about.  but i know now that it is what i am to do.  i know it's an experience meant to refine me, meant to make me stronger and help guide my future - as uncertain as it seems right now.

i know my Savior loves me and will be there to support me as i face things i'm still afraid of right now.  i know He can help me turn that fear into faith - for the two cannot exist in the same space, like light and darkness.  

i also know i need to sleep if i'm going to wake up to run in the morning {and yes, that's a need}.  

i sat down to write about something almost completely unrelated to all. . .this.  but apparently my subconscious had other plans.

tomorrow, i won't be quite as deep! :)

goodnight, world.  here's to waking up to spring again!

on a master's degree

dear future me,

when you decide to get a master's degree,


please

please

please

please

remember all the long nights and early mornings of typing as fast as your fingers will let you.  remember the days when you only have enough energy to grab an apple before running out the door.  remember the stress of deadlines.  remember the headache of being glued to your computer.  but most of all,

remember the satisfaction of your best work.  remember your passionate rampages after reading hours of research.

remember that you love it enough that it all becomes more than worth it - it becomes right.

life is wonderful hard work - love,
me.

SUMMER...or not

yep, that's right. i've made a rather unreasonable decision to NOT take a break this sunny season.  for another six weeks i'll still have my nose in text books, my hand cramping from note-taking, and my seat parked in a classroom with dim lights at 8:00 a.m. (such a recipe for an alert student, isn't it?).  but please, don't mourn the loss of my sanity quite yet!  although i am absolutely sure that to most, the idea of sitting in the basement lecture hall while the weather is ideal for kite-flying is enough to bring tears the same way smacking your nose against the door frame does, i am actually mostly...excited.  there, i said it.  i am excited to be enrolled full-time in the summer.  i have officially sold my soul to the educational demon.  and yes, they have those at byu, otherwise known as the over-ambitious student ("BURN THE OVER-ACHIEVER!!" that's for you hailey). my only qualm is that i think my decision might be effecting the weather.

mother nature: "it's spring!! wait.... you're going to class.. i mean, it's SNOWING! goodbye flowers, haha!"

snow in almost-may, really? this IS an unusual year... however, although i am going to be swamped  up to my eyelids with reading and writing and test-taking, i am not going to give up my few simple pleasures of the season.  that reading list is still going to be finished at the end (i've started already - man! fablehaven is such a great escape book for post-stressful-semester).  i'm still going to sew and make jewelry, and i'm still going to make time to paint again. yes, even if it snows through june.  so wish me luck! and pray that if it really must snow, it snows so much that no one can leave their apartments so i don't feel quite so guilty about my little summer pleasures inserted in the middle of another semester.  ready, set, study!

not all chocolate is created equal

I had a little thought. There are many different qualities of chocolate. The better the quality, the better the taste, the better the satisfaction. For the sake of a metaphor, I want to say a few things about a Hershey's chocolate bar, and compare it to the ideal piece of chocolate. An old, rather stale bar of Hershey's chocolate crunches around in your mouth with a very limited amount of pleasure. Only after long periods of coco derivation does this kind of chocolate satisfy any kind of craving. Now imagine the ideal square of chocolate, soft enough that it starts to melt in your hand before it ever touches your lips. Dark, rich, and creamy enough it demands complete attention until every last little drip is licked off every single finger.


I had a very large, rather overwhelming realization yesterday. Like a slap in the face that takes the wind out of you, I realized how much I don't know. It was as if someone had screamed an inch away from my face, "WAKE UP, DUMMY! YOU HAVE TO LEARN!" Instead of being frightened and intimidated (the emotions I would expect to accompany such a reality check), I was absolutely exhilarated, almost like the feeling you get at the moment the rollarcoaster starts the decent of the first massive hill. It took my breath away, that way. Before now, I have only ridden the small rollarcoasters, the ones with no loops, only an occasional, very short whooshing drop. This week, I sat down in the seat of The Big Rollarcoaster, and I have realized that I love rollarcoasters. I crave them, in fact. I have been eating Hershey's chocolate until now, and this week I tasted quality chocolate. I have only taken the first, small testing nibble of the darkest, most luxurious chocolate bar on Earth, only ridden to the top of the first big hill. This is just the beginning.