I am.

{practices of creative self image}

I am.
I am a summer peach. juicy, perfectly ripe. I explode with flavor.
I am the long trail around the pond, the summer sunrise shimmers my surface.
I am the daughter of spontaneity, the wife of peace, the bearer of passion.
I am the heartbeat's throb after the fastest you've ever run
I am the purple gel pen.
I am the loudest blue jay's alarm call,
the brightest firework's smoldering flakes of falling yellow.
I am the fingertips of King Midas.
I am the heat wave hitting you as you fling the door open in mid August.
I am your broken snooze button.
I am the pacing jaguar behind the glass,
the squirrel's frenzied leap from branch to branch.
I am Intensity. I am Drive.
I am the power to Do.
I am.

writer's block.

life's been strange the past week{ish}.  and several times i've started to mentally blame my neglected blog on the fact that i'm busy.  but really, let's be honest, here.  i'm just going through a significant period of writer's block.  about every other day, i sit down at my computer to write and something unusual happens: nothing.

every time i'm just...kind of, well... blank.

this summer's already been a swirl of decisions made, second-guessed, and called off.  plan-b's thought through entirely only to be discarded.  on one hand, it's already been an exhaustingly moody summer.  but on the other hand, it's been mostly many moments of pure happiness.  but... on the third hand, i've had more days of depressed restlessness than ever before.  i've known concretely what the next year of my life will look like six different times already - and none of them overlap even the slightest.  i've cursed the cold for seeping into every possible crack it could and screamed at the humidity for making me sticky and sweaty.  i've apologized for being a horrible person multiple times to my work partner, my roommates, my boyfriend, and my messy room {which takes the brunt of it all}.

yesterday {while i couldn't think of anything to write}, i read over several posts i wrote from last summer, which {if i had to title it} would be the time period of finding inner-joy.  i looked back and marveled.  i wrote those words?  while i remember learning those lessons, i'm not sure what happened between points a and b.  not that i'm unhappy.  not in the least.

just excessively inconsistent.

i'm the kind of person that thrives on structure - scheduled {but not overly-busy} days.  predictability in almost every area of life.  spontaneity present, but definitely on a back-burner.  and i have fully realized that if i  wanted to stick with that high-structure sorta thing, i definitely picked the wrong summer job.

but we end up with the things in life that help us grow, yes?

yes.  yes, we do.

looking back i can see what a massive period of growth last summer was for me, and i can only hope that in hindsight this summer will look similar.  i feel like i'm learning some of the same lessons {over and over and over again}, but in circumstances that increasingly build in difficulty.  last summer i learned to find joy in life while in the most predictable and safe setting possible, home.  this summer, i'm trying to learn to find that inner peace and joy while in an extremely unpredictable setting, one that is constantly changing and constantly go go going.  it's more difficult, that's for sure.

but... {deep inhale breath}

hard is good.

and i can do hard.

also, this whole "what do i want to do with my life after school" thing is really starting to drive me crazy. so, let's take a pole, shall we? :)

things that very well could be in jessica's future {aka, pick the future you want to vicariously live through my blog}:

• social work master's degree
• yoga teaching certification program
• massage therapy school
• family studies research master's degree
• holistic nutrition and healing master's degree 
• or the all-present option of calling a bachelor's degree sufficient and finding a groovy job at a cool cafe or bakery while being poor and having time to read books i want to read, run races i want to run, and get a dog.

and honestly, that last one is awful appealing, lately.

and now i'm going to go do yoga and meditate about all that stuff for a while {which really means i'll be thinking of anything BUT those things}.

this summer's mantra: "i can be happy independent of my environment, my schedule, and my messy apartment."

now... to prove it.

happy weekend :)

panic alternative: stand on a chair.

my head's been floating a little the past few days.  there are two weeks of school left.  well, scratch that.  i wanted to write this post yesterday, at which point there would have been two weeks of school left.  now, there are less than two weeks of school left.

in any normal semester, i would haven known this.  no, not only would i have known this, i would have held a celebration at two weeks.  thrown my homework in the air and made gourmet cupcakes - complete with raspberry filling and chocolate drizzled over the buttercream frosting.  but this hasn't exactly been a typical semester, has it?

this semester, i wasn't counting down.  actually, the one-month mark passed me up without my conscious awareness of it.  i didn't count because i've been insisting on a one day at a time mindset.  my philosophy was that if i only focussed on one day at a time, i wouldn't have any major panic attacks about moving to a very foreign corner of the united states with nothing but my car and a work phone {basically}.  what i hadn't considered was what would happen when the moving day came.

luckily, i came upon some wise words.  last week, i started thinking about this whole moving thing more realistically - you know, envisioning myself there and other nerdish techniques.  that's helped keep me calm, too.

however, as a testament to my floating head, the fact that i only have two weeks left in which to finish a major amount of papers and books and projects never crossed my mind.  until yesterday, that is.  so, what did i do?  i started to have a panic attack, then stopped myself.  {note, i am extremely proud of the progress that shows in everything after this point.}  i calmed-talked myself, saying things like "all i can do will be enough," and "it's not too much if you take it slowly."  i did four minutes of wall-sits, two minutes of full plank position, eighty reps of boat-pose twists with a five pound weight. . .and as a result i can barely sit in a chair today.  after all of that, i drank almost two quarts of water while standing on a kitchen chair in the middle of the kitchen and living room.  and it worked.

i'm going to remember this strategy because it kicked the up-coming panic attack in the backside!

positive affirmations + a killer workout + lots of water + standing on something really tall = a calmer and happier me!

i know the bit about me standing on a chair might seem a little strange, but i promise it works.  next time you're feeling overwhelmed, go stand on a chair or table and do some deep breathing.  when you're that high above everything, there's nothing left to close in on you.  it's magic.

so, back to these two weeks left of class: it's going to be busy.  but i also have a feeling that it might just be the best two weeks of the semester.  i'm on a roll right now - which is a good thing to be on while the semester is coming to a close.  i'm also feeling much more energetic than is typical for me come close to finals week.

so, here's the plan of attack:

• early to bed, early to rise: i need about eight hours a night to function.  these next few weeks, i'm going to shift my sleep schedule a tad bit for maximum productivity.  i'll be in bed before eleven and i'll be up and running before seven.
• exercise!  if there's anything that keeps me happy and energetic, it's a good run.  i've been laying off running the last while because of my sore feet, but i'm going to start slowly {very slowly, at the demand of my sad feet} stepping it up again.  five days a week - resting on wednesday and sunday.
• good food:  i've had a hard time trying to tinker with my diet lately.  with crazy things coming at me from all sides, if i try to buckle down i end up sitting on the floor with cinnamon and sugar toast, a bag of chocolate chips, hot chocolate, and ice cream....which is what we don't want. :)  i'm aiming for three balanced meals a day and not too much sugar.  my goal is to listen to my body.
• study: i need some major focus time.  with mornings a little more free, i'm going to really utilize my morning energy to crank out some papers.  i'll have evenings free to finish more reading while i'm feeling a little more sluggish.

so that's the plan.  it'll probably change. . .because they usually adapt to my roommate's schedules, too.

ready. . .

go!

the consequence of good intentions

it's tuesday.  tuesday implies an eight-o-clock class, followed by others until i mentally quit at 4:00 pm.  it's 8:58 am. right now, and i am not in class - again.  what's more, it's two minutes before nine and i am not leaving for my nine-thirty class, either.  really, this story begins about a year ago.

last fall semester, i realized something about myself: when most people become stressed with classes, they simply step up their performance a little, push for the perfect score, read everything twice, and so forth.  not me.  when class stresses me out, the most relieving thing that i can do is to quit - for a moment, at least.  i discovered this after waking up late consecutively for several days of class, always wearing a beanie over my bed-head, and going for more than a week without makeup.  then one day, i slept in past my class.  and it felt wonderful.  that's when i realized the benefit of taking a sick day to put my life back in order, instead of always being late.  it's proved an effective strategy, most of the time.  the only danger (other than the fact that missing class means missing lectures that will inevitably be tested on) is that i will become so stressed that i miss an entire week, or too many days here and there, resulting in a much lower test score than will make me happy.


last night, nine-thirty, i still had an incredible amount of homework.  and when you're stressed, the best thing to do {generally} is to exert yourself physically until your too tired to stress anymore.  so, i put the books down and took a light run (nothing too strenuous due to the large cinnamon roll at ward-family-home-evening).  after that, the best thing to do is eat.  so naturally, i sat myself at the table with my beloved roommates and chowed down on watermelon, chips, and salsa.  i have this little goal lately; it's called get to bed early.  and for the sake of the goal, i decided that it would be much more beneficial to my health to turn my light out earlier and wake up earlier to finish my reading [and my paper].  what i didn't take into consideration is the inevitable tendency my body has to simply sleep until it's satisfied, which (considering the deprivation lately) is a substantial amount.

now, my good intentions: early to bed, early to rise, right?  such a good thing.  i love that principle!  but i'll have you note, midnight doesn't qualify as early to bed.  i thought it might last night... but nope!  not even close.  i woke up this morning five minutes after the beginning of my first class, realized i hadn't completed the reading or attendance writing for my second class (and absolutely did not have time to do so), and made the decision to take a sick day.

i feel great!  not an ounce of sick in me [except maybe dark circles under my eyes].  i'm going to finish a little reading for an afternoon class, do yoga, drink a green smoothie, and curl my hair.  it's a good day, isn't it?


ps. i've been craving dill pickles and extra-sharp cheese. strange, i know. but they tasted sooo good last night!

the perks of waking up an hour and a half late

that's right.  this morning i was having an absolutely random dream.  so much so that i bet i was smiling and trying not to laugh at all the characters in my sleep {because you know, they would have heard me and thought i was impolite}.  naturally, it startled me a little when natalie burst into my room at 7:20 and shouted in surprise, "JESSI!"  i was supposed to wake up at 6:00.  so during the ten minutes in which i got ready for the day (and still had time to put on mascara - yeah, i'm that good), my planner and my unfinished homework were giving me a guilt trip.  luckily, i wasn't more than 30 seconds late to class: me, win; failed alarm clock, eat that.

it took me half-way through my 8:00 class to be fully conscious, but i was entirely physically present.  by the time i was conscious, i was annoyed.  BUT as you know, i've been working diligently on this mental process called stubborn, obstinate happiness.  hehe, i won!  that alone, i think, is a little manifestation that in my head things are going splendidly!

now, the upside:

because natalie is a saint, i still ate breakfast this morning (and oh was it ever yummy, thanks to our returned blender and my sister's pro-smoothie skills).  unfortunately, waking up late in combination with the fact that i ran out of pre-frozen meals in tupperware two days ago meant that did not have time to pack a lunch.  one goal i have this semester is to eat out as little as possible.  but i had to eat!  during my hour break, i stood in line at subway, ordered my veggie delight, read the rest of the ecology of human development for my next class, and ate my sandwich.

the student center is a fabulous place to eat lunch because 1) there are so many people to distract me from my homework and 2) i just love to watch them!  sitting at a table adjacent to mine was a son and his father.  for the first few minutes, i couldn't for the life of me figure out what in the world they were doing.  then it hit me.  when they sat down, before touching their food (and both with a newspaper in front of them), the son simply said, "GO."  there they sat, pencils in hand, racing each other in today's cross-word puzzle.  isn't that incredible?  it made me smile for the next hour!  the dad won, by the way, and in relief the son began ravenously chowing down on an enormous burger.  it must have been commonplace to them.  the way they didn't have to communicate about what was happening, but just raced (with, i imagine, a strict rule of no food-touching until one of us wins).

maybe my major just turns me into a crazy person, but isn't that one of the silliest, neatest family traditions ever?

i love crazy families!

fascinating womanhood: a review

have you read this book?

because if not, you should.

fascinating womanhood, by helen andelin, was one of those books that opened my eyes and changed the way i think.  it played to my already inclined opinions.  true, i was teased the entire time i read, with my red pen in hand, by my sisters natalie and hailey.  the subtitle, how the ideal woman awakens a man's deepest love and tenderness, was a little too much for them to stomach without snickering every time they saw me buried in my book.  

believe me, i was a little skeptical as well when my mom suggested the book.  after all, the almost-1950's throwback to the suppressed lifestyle of housedress-wearing, grin-and-bear-it sort of woman doesn't exactly sound ideal, right?  well, i can sure say i was wrong!  the image painted of the "ideal woman" by andelin is beautiful.  something to truly aspire to.  she paints the characteristics of femininity with women from history and the great classics, showing the modern-day woman how to return to their true feminine nature.  the more i read, the more i realized how in-line her teachings were with my own beliefs about correct roles for women and men, husbands and wives.  And to add to her own insight, she incorporates scripture and principles taught by Christ.

Now, for a embarrassing little secret: i fall easily for books slightly leaning toward the "self help" category.  Titles like 7 habits of highly effective people and tables of contents revealing assignments make my heart race a tiny bit and my imagination flare up.  i know, i know.  this seems a little... well, unsophisticated?  but my logic is this: we're on this planet to help each other.  books leaning in this direction are simply advice from a more experienced person to those willing to learn, their way of helping out humanity, and i like that.  not to say that i prefer these books more than another kind; i live for great literature.  these are simply a little guilty pleasure.  besides, the scriptures are the best self helps books to speak of.  but, i digress.  fascinating womanhood has assignments and self-evaluations.  i loved it because it helped me start the process of changing little habits i have and work toward a solid goal.

i evaluated my conversation - i'm still working on the gossip thing, as most college girls are, but i've greatly improved.  i've started steering conversation toward others to show my interest in other people more than in myself.  and (this one is fun!) i've worked on my tone of voice, inserting more emotion into my daily exchanges.  believe me, changing my tone alone did wonders for my attitude.  when i decided to speak as though i were bubbling with happiness, i found i actually was!  it's been an unexpected discovery in my journey of thought processes.

i've started wearing dresses and skirts more than anything else.  after all, i prefer them over pants and shorts so much that it was a little ridiculous how little i wore more feminine clothing.  

i've decided to stop cracking my knuckles - a nasty habit i've had for years.

if i wrote all the little things i'd marked and evaluated since this read, it would be eons long.  so i won't.  there are so many mannerisms and habits my eyes have been opened to.  if i could pick the most surprising and interesting section of the book, it would be the topic of being childlike.  it's a Christian teaching i think is largely not understood, at least by me.  andelin's view of becoming childlike was approachable, and it made sense to me.

disregarding the fact that i fell in love with andelin's view of womanhood, this is a book i feel is historically important.  written in response to the popular book of the feminist movement, the feminine mystique, andelin's writings represent the flip-side of the modern woman, a strength in feminism with a religious acknowledgement to the divine role of womanhood.

to sum up, my grandmother read fascinating womanhood after her marriage and gave the book to my mother in high school.  in turn, my mother gave the book to me.  in years to come, i dream of placing it in the hands of my daughters, passing on the knowledge of divine womanhood and encouraging the growth of correct femininity.

it's a read i would absolutely recommend! but be prepared to change the way think about yourself, your role as a woman, and what you can accomplish through developing stronger characteristics of feminism!

ps. while sorting through some of my mom's recipes today with natalie, we came across a simply luscious pie recipe.  as a last note on the recipe card, the writer had encouragingly added, "zero calories if cut into 99 pieces!!"  we had quite a laugh and ended up disrupting hailey's piano student.  oh what a day!

let's have a little happier family now, okay?

motivational phrase of the month (on a sticky note, of course):

"journeyings without murmurings"

this fabulous little phrase is found in 1 nephi chapter 2 of the book of mormon, and it's my favorite right now!  see, every time i travel, i have a tendency to get a little cranky.  in the car, i just want my space.  in the hotel/tent/cabin/trailer/etc. i just want a tiny bit of privacy.  in the morning, i wish i had more time for exercise.  but.  remember that we're positive-thinking right now!  things have to change.

see, my family is taking a vacation, leaving this monday.  we'll be staying a cabin about two hours from our house for a week, and i am determined to make this a happier vacation than average.  i don't need more space because we're taking the trip to get closer together.  i'll be just dandy without extended privacy because i've already had my share for the summer while i was living alone!  and just to ensure that i'll be perky, i'm going to wake up early to exercise because that usually sets off a not-very-easily annoyed mood.  this time our journeyings will be void of my murmurings completely!  

p.s.  tomorrow's friday.  hasn't the week absolutely flown by?

a down day

so it's kind of one of those days.

one of those days where i don't have enough minutes to count all the blessings to counteract everything that's worrying me right now.
one of those days where choosing to happy is an added choice every ten minutes.
one of those days that i haven't taken a shower yet - and it's 4:24 pm.
one of those days.

i've been working with all my might on my positive thinking project, and i can already tell you that it helps!  the positive affirmations work wonders on my stress level (keeping it lower no matter the circumstance), and while replacing every negative thought that enters my cranium with a positive one of the same topic is mentally strenuous some days, it keeps me from worrying myself crazy.  one of the most influential aspects of this positive thinking project is my running goal.  i feel the very best when i'm running - especially early in the morning in the beautiful red canyon two minutes from my house.  it's easy to love when i'm running - to love everything.  i'm happier with my decisions, my body and my situation in life when i'm running.  after my runs, i have more energy, it's easier to just decide that happiness is victorious over anything that happens during the day.  it wakes me up, helps me realize the beauty all around me, starts my day with gratitude.

that said, i missed running this morning.  my goal is to run 25 out of the 31 days in july (which is 6 days every week with one miss day).  last night, i had a throbbing headache.  it put me to bed early, so i thought i would be able to wake up at my usual time to run.  i thought wrong.  apparently, my body is a little more sleep deprived than i realized.  i slept until 9:00, laid in bed for close to a half hour, then started work at 10:00.  no worries, i'm going to run tonight (once it cools off below triple digit temperatures).  but i noticed what a difference it makes to start my day with this routine, not just fit it in anywhere.

so today's been a struggle.  worries i've had almost completely under control for almost a week have had me growling all day.  it's also a little harder to make yourself repeat positive affirmations when you're upset, so there hasn't been much of a defender against the worrying.

i'm turning it around.  i'm still deciding to be happy.  i just have to decide every five minutes today instead of every thirty.

right now, i'm going to take a shower (one of my favorite things in the entire world).  after that, i'm going to eat roasted beets and carrots picked right from the garden (another two favorite things: beets and gardens).  once i'm 80% full, i'm going to a lecture by an extremely knowledgeable naturalistic doctor on happiness (which is fitting for today, no?).  and once i get home from the lecture, i'm going to tie my shoes, capture one of my older sisters and run until i don't have enough energy left to be upset or worriful (new word, i like it), but before i'm dead.  it sounds like a good mind-set-curbing plan to me!

what are some of your strategies to change your mindset when you're feeling down?

project: you are what you think - the beginning of a new journey.

it's a new day.

and yes, i know that's a very obvious statement.  but.  today is different.  today marks the beginning of a new goal, experiment, and potentially life-altering decision.

there are a million different things that shape you into who you are, exactly, right?  considering what i deeply believe, the first (or what should be first) is our Heavenly Father - His plan for us through our compliance with it.  next, the Lord has told us that "as a man thinketh, so is he."  i also believe in the largely quoted (and never taken quite seriously enough) statement, "you are what you eat."  i strive for the first, devoutly.  i almost obsess over the latter, strictly.  until now, i have payed only vague acknowledgement to the second: you are what you think (disappointingly).

in actuality, your thoughts determine your reality, and your perception of it.  i've known this, but largely (and ashamedly) have ignored the fact.

remember how i'm sick?  it got worse yesterday.  the goal was to not be bed-ridden, and to my disappointment i failed miserably.  i did get out of bed, but only to move to the couch and in front of the television.  how pathetic is that?  i don't even watch television.  i've been blaming this nasty cold on the stress of last semester in combination with the sweets that were altogether too plentiful my last week in provo (for a while).  i'm sure these elements played a role.  after all, you are what you eat, and i was eating what makes me sick.  i know my body doesn't hold up very well under extreme stress or pressure, and that's exactly what i was in.  but.  here's the confession: what have i been thinking through all this stress and some uncharacteristic unhealthy eating? unhappy thoughts.

i've been a nervous wreck the past couple of weeks.  angry often, upset regularly, annoyed like clockwork, and emotionally distraught daily.  my mom was kind enough to point out last night that i am positively worrying myself sick, literally.  worse, i'm a basket case worrying about things that i mostly can't control to begin with.

the last few weeks of this type of thinking i like to think are uncharacteristic because of how drastic i've been.  but really.  i need to be brutally honest with myself for a moment here. so allow me a moment.  i try to be a very optimistic person, i really do. however, past that determination, i struggle with negative thoughts often.  mostly toward myself or my current situation, i stress, demand perfection, worry worry worry, etc.

today, it stops.  today is the beginning of project "you are what you think."

the first thing i'm going to cure is this blasted cold.

i'm going to take it a few steps at a time because oh-how-i-know i have a whole lot to work on.  it's daunting.  a little nerve-wracking.  but it's time to really give it a shot - whole-heartedly.

i talked some about the little beast of a chronic illness i was diagnosed with several years ago, fibromyalgia.  i've contained it with diet, controlled it with lifestyle.  i've liked to think for the past year or so that it's gone because i don't want to give in to what's left of it.  today is the beginning of it's banishment.

this is a big step.  an overwhelming journey to begin.  but no matter what, the only logical way to go is up.

and guess what?
i can do hard things.

i'm up to the task.

wish me luck!
and anyone want to join me in my journey?